Haunting Spirits Of The Past

"The true significance of the inner world becomes more clear when we began to realize that almost everything we do, every reaction we have, every decision we make, every relationship we form, ultimately results from our inner qualities and inner dynamics. Everything is controlled by the huge energy systems that propel us from within, that determine most of what we think and do."

-ROBERT A JOHNSON

When I was young, I would have these reoccurring nightmares with a certain theme. Dwarfing me as a child. I was either chased by vampires. From out dark corners or tight back streets, and alleyways, they would devilishly glide towards me.

With wobbly legs or feet too heavy, like I had two cement blocks attached to the bottom of my ankles. Running away from them was always frustrating, and clumsy.

If the vampires were absent that night. Then the zombies would show up. They seemed to take turns picking at me.

I spent my early years in a suburb about 12 miles east of downtown Los Angeles, in the hub of the San Gabriel Valley. A place also known for that long time rock n roll classic "Memories of El Monte." A song I still love. It was recorded and performed by The Penguins who were an old doo-wop group from the 1950's. An 'oldie but goodie'.

We lived in El Monte, until I was about 9 years old. My two brothers, and both our parents.

Even to this day, and the fact I was a child, innocently naïve as to what was really going on. I can still recall the apartment complex we lived in. It was a hot bed for drugs, and addicts. A couple of doors down, lived two kids, same in age, brother and sister. They lived with their mother who was addicted to dope.

I remember one time, for no reason, she was walking past us on her way back to her place. SMACK!! She hit my brother right in back of the head, and kept on towards her apartment. It meant nothing to her.

So, with neighbors as dope fiends, and the junkies slamming and smoking dope directly behind us, in the back. Heroin, crack cocaine, and other street candies burned like incense sticks, smudging the skyline.

Wide-eyed, and still wet behind the ears, I was clueless. At least on a conscious level. But internally, I was one hundred percent affected by this. It was evident by the dreams (or nightmares) haunting me as a child.

Every zombie or vampire following me behind closed eyelids, were images, and symbols of my environment. Provoking fear, confusion, panic, worry, and a heavy sense of helplessness. Leaving marks and imprints on my psyche, and spirit.

Years later, past adolescence, and on through adulthood. I thought I had a pretty good grip on things. Brushing it off as unimportant - 'It wasn't that big of a deal', I thought. So many have seen, and been through much worse.

Yet, these spirits, and energies, whether I acknowledged them or not. They've always been a part of me. Beneath the surface, breathing, they were animated, and alive. Invisible, but active. I guess in a way, I never really respected their presence or their power - these shadows from my past.

Thinking I outgrew every broken body, and twisted stare. Or the calloused casualties of street pharmaceutics, trying to numb their pain away, but instead robbing themselves of any true pleasures in life. I thought they were a distant, and all but gone, memory.

I had both parents at home. They worked and provided for us (not just material). We had their attention, love and support. We still play outside as kids. Though, finding out later, my parents, or my uncle and aunt's, one of the adults in the family, always had a watch on us.

We rode bikes, played football, and kickball. We chased each other around the parking lot, and played tag. We had slinkies that would crawl down the from the top to the bottom of stairs as soon as we let them go.

We shot marbles, and had water gun fights. So, it wasn't all bad. Plus our apartment complex was a battalion full of kids, lit up like mini-spark plugs, ready for action.

Thinking back, writing this, connections started to form. My reactions, behaviors, insecurities, fears, and anxieties. At times, and in certain situations when I clam up, and start to shy away from attention.

Or other times when I get defensive, and either blow up in anger or completely shut myself off from who or whatever "offended" me. Then the self doubt, and how I talk myself out of trying something new.

Being too afraid to fail or even to strive for something more, "it's out of my reach or not meant for me", I'd tell myself. I think we've all been there once or twice before.

This year, very recent in fact. The 1st of November, I visited Cologne, Germany. Which is only a little over an hour from me. It was for an Ayahuasca retreat. One of the most beautiful, yet horrifyingly intense experiences I've ever had. And my last day there, when we finally drank the tea (Syrian Rue) and had our own individual communion with this magical, medicinal plant. I seen a few things that tied it all together.

I seen children, all boys, about three to nine years old. At first, they looked like goblins or gremlins. With piercing eyes that would change in shape in color. Some would turn white, and roll back, and others going completely black, and cross-eyed. They had different expressions.

Some timid, and scared. Others seemed to be lost, confused, worried and helpless. A few of them were playful, and joking around with me. Their form not quite solid. Imagine looking at the reflection from a television, when it's turned off. You can still see the form, shape and features of the objects inside that television set.

But, they don't look solid. More like smoke in mirrors. These little boys, walking and moving towards me, in groups, overlapping, and in bunches. Reminded me of that blank TV set, but this time with phantoms and spirits inside.

In whispers, I would ask them questions, "who are you?", "can you talk?" At first, I was afraid, and spooked. Then I grew curious. Their gestures and poses, and how they would interact with me.

At times, it was funny, and I remember laughing about it. Then in the background, a spotlight appeared, right behind the children as they were walking towards me. The spotlight shown onto a a blue shirt that had elephants on it. It was a tee shirt I bought while visiting Cambodia, awhile back. And it was the same shirt I had on, sitting cross-legged, on a mattress in the middle of an Ayahuasca ceremony.

I was shocked to see this spotlight slowly raise up and shine its light on the face of the man standing there, in the backdrop, behind the children, and looking directly at me. It was me!!

I was looking at myself, as an adult. But my form, was different. It wasn't smoky, or ghastly or like that of the children.

I was solid and much brighter than they were. All the while these children kept moving towards me, some stopping right in front. Moving right up to my nose, then going dim, like a haze, disappearing. Fading off to my left and right sides.

I felt I was being shown that these children were personalities, and energies from my childhood. Phantoms from the past. Parts of my unconscious, and psyche.

And as they moved forward, one by one, fading out to the left and right. They were gradually losing power and force in my life. In the beginning, I coward away from them. I was afraid, and in panic. But then I told myself 'this is what you asked for, now look up and see what they want.'

So, I tried my best to embrace what was shown to me. Watching this happen in real time, I felt a huge pressure lift off my chest. Things turned calm and peaceful, and I felt love, and gratitude. It fell on me like a blanket. Even while writing this, it hasn't went away.

I'm thankful for life, and family. I'm thankful for my health and the health of those I love. I'm thankful for mother earth, and all the opportunities still afforded me. And every new experience that's still ahead.

I'm no longer that little boy, who was helpless, confused, and afraid. That's an old story. I'm the author, and able to add new chapters, that have pages of color, promise, and hope. With lines that are fresh, and full of life.

'Til very soon,

PEACE!