Real stories, told by real people.
Hope all is goody, as always. We are back with another edition highlighting raw testaments of infinite possibilities. May this inspire your own actualizing potentials. And if you know anyone who may find value in this, feel free to share it. Today, Beami joins us, and he has a story to tell.
Walking us through some of his darkest days. Abusive relationships, lack of stability throughout childhood, loss and grief of loved ones, survivors guilt. Beami is on the other side now, and excited for what's to come.
Here's a few of the hearty nuggets during our convo today :
- Abusive relationships, embodying grief and guilt
- Realizing your worth, the power of perspective,
- Self awareness and observing thought patterns
- Creative expression : Acting, music, writing
- To not fear the unknown but embrace its limitless potential
This was really a beautiful connection, I enjoyed it and I'm sure you will as well. You can find more of Beami below. Ladies and Gentleman, I'm exited to introduce another GIANTS AMONGST US. You can reach out to us anytime to share some of your own thoughts and experiences. Let's be the change we wish to see.
'Til next time
and very soon,
PEACE!
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_____
Beami :
Website : https://www.beami.earth/home
Support Beami's Artistry : https://www.beami.earth/contact/care-2-contribute
_____
Connect With Giants Amongst Us :
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YouTube : https://youtube.com/@giantsamongstus?si=nbTNcyvSL-n4N00u
Reddit : https://www.reddit.com/user/RichVocals80/
_____
Intro Song :
Beami - Coming Home
00:00:02 --> 00:00:47 You're me. are back with another one. I hope
00:00:47 --> 00:00:50 you're in good spirits. It's been a few weeks
00:00:50 --> 00:00:55 since the last episode. We are now at number
00:00:55 --> 00:01:00 60. This is Giants Amongst Us, a place where
00:01:00 --> 00:01:02 we share in the unique human experience. And
00:01:02 --> 00:01:06 this is where you're going to hear real stories
00:01:06 --> 00:01:12 that are told by real people, people just like
00:01:12 --> 00:01:15 yourself. No matter where you're at right now
00:01:15 --> 00:01:17 or how deep a hole there is, there's always a
00:01:17 --> 00:01:19 rope to grab. It's just a matter of how you're
00:01:19 --> 00:01:23 gonna use it. And the feeling I got after I would
00:01:23 --> 00:01:26 write an incident that happened growing up, it
00:01:26 --> 00:01:28 was like the world was lifted off my shoulders
00:01:28 --> 00:01:31 and I became addicted to that feeling. The Jesuits
00:01:31 --> 00:01:34 will tell you, give me the boy from one to seven
00:01:34 --> 00:01:37 and I'll show you the man. Well, the one to seven
00:01:37 --> 00:01:40 for me was chaos, you know, that ended with...
00:01:40 --> 00:01:45 the death of my very dear brother so as always
00:01:45 --> 00:01:50 it is good to be back if you are listening for
00:01:50 --> 00:01:54 the very first time kick your feet up relax please
00:01:54 --> 00:01:57 do stay a while and i'd like to invite you to
00:01:57 --> 00:02:00 check out the website check out the hometown
00:02:00 --> 00:02:04 check out the home base and it is there you can
00:02:04 --> 00:02:08 find past stories from past guests there are
00:02:08 --> 00:02:12 articles there are blogs posted there's a way
00:02:12 --> 00:02:14 to reach out to us to leave a message to let
00:02:14 --> 00:02:17 us know how you're listening to the show where
00:02:17 --> 00:02:20 you're listening from what you like about it
00:02:20 --> 00:02:23 maybe things that you'd like to just add to the
00:02:23 --> 00:02:25 conversation and also the other ways that you
00:02:25 --> 00:02:29 could reach out to us and find us on a few other
00:02:29 --> 00:02:31 social media platforms YouTube is one of them
00:02:31 --> 00:02:35 Reddit is another so with that being said allow
00:02:35 --> 00:02:40 me to introduce today's guest Beame joins us
00:02:40 --> 00:02:45 and he's got a story to tell. So, you know, my
00:02:45 --> 00:02:50 mom was a drug addict and alcoholic and just
00:02:50 --> 00:02:53 kind of like mentally ill, not really fit to
00:02:53 --> 00:02:56 be a mother. I was put in therapy from the age
00:02:56 --> 00:02:59 of five to 22 and like I didn't speak. I was
00:02:59 --> 00:03:02 late speaking. And then when I did start speaking,
00:03:02 --> 00:03:06 I stuttered because I was so nervous and scared
00:03:06 --> 00:03:10 and The more that I shared in the sessions and
00:03:10 --> 00:03:13 stuff, the more they kind of realized that it
00:03:13 --> 00:03:16 was a lot more severe than they actually thought.
00:03:18 --> 00:03:21 Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, this
00:03:21 --> 00:03:25 is Beanie and his story. Appreciate you once
00:03:25 --> 00:03:28 again for taking time out of your day. You could
00:03:28 --> 00:03:30 have been anywhere. You could have been doing
00:03:30 --> 00:03:34 anything, but we're having to. sit down in a
00:03:34 --> 00:03:37 conversation. Appreciate you, man. How's it going?
00:03:37 --> 00:03:39 Hey, thank you for having me. Thank you for,
00:03:39 --> 00:03:42 you know, having a show like this that allows
00:03:42 --> 00:03:45 these great stories to be told. I think, you
00:03:45 --> 00:03:48 know, humans to their core, we're storytellers.
00:03:48 --> 00:03:52 Most of our understandings and traditions and
00:03:52 --> 00:03:55 things that of our existence, we know because
00:03:55 --> 00:03:58 it was passed down orally and through conversations.
00:03:59 --> 00:04:01 So appreciate you having me on for sure. Yeah.
00:04:02 --> 00:04:04 This is like the high points of my day right
00:04:04 --> 00:04:08 here to connect with strangers. We were strangers
00:04:08 --> 00:04:12 before we had this. We had a couple of correlations
00:04:12 --> 00:04:15 offline through the emails, this, that and the
00:04:15 --> 00:04:18 other. But now we're having a direct conversation.
00:04:19 --> 00:04:22 So again, appreciate you taking time out of your
00:04:22 --> 00:04:24 day. And you're right. You hit the nail on the
00:04:24 --> 00:04:27 head. It's really the way that everything was
00:04:27 --> 00:04:30 passed from generation to generation was through
00:04:30 --> 00:04:33 story was through this. these oral tales and
00:04:33 --> 00:04:35 testaments. And that's what we're going to do
00:04:35 --> 00:04:38 today. And just to break it in and for starters,
00:04:39 --> 00:04:41 if you want to talk a little bit about where
00:04:41 --> 00:04:45 you come from and some of your upbringing, how
00:04:45 --> 00:04:49 it was for you coming up. Yeah. So I grew up,
00:04:49 --> 00:04:52 I was born in Austin, Texas. When I was born,
00:04:52 --> 00:04:55 like Austin was like. You know, obviously the
00:04:55 --> 00:04:58 capital of Texas, but it was like half the people,
00:04:58 --> 00:05:00 half the population, less than half the population
00:05:00 --> 00:05:03 that it is now. And Austin's small geographically.
00:05:04 --> 00:05:06 So it's kind of like a small town, big city feel.
00:05:07 --> 00:05:10 And there's a lot of music in town. So I was
00:05:10 --> 00:05:13 blessed to grow up around a lot of art and music
00:05:13 --> 00:05:15 and just constant activity and stuff to do. But,
00:05:16 --> 00:05:18 you know, my home life, my family was definitely
00:05:18 --> 00:05:23 not the easiest or smoothest or healthiest. So.
00:05:24 --> 00:05:28 You know, my mom was a drug addict and alcoholic
00:05:28 --> 00:05:32 and just kind of like mentally ill. Not really
00:05:32 --> 00:05:36 fit to be a mother. So I had two older siblings
00:05:36 --> 00:05:39 that were from previous relationships of hers.
00:05:40 --> 00:05:42 And then my dad didn't even know I existed for
00:05:42 --> 00:05:46 like till I was about a year old. And I'm very
00:05:46 --> 00:05:49 blessed because I had the most incredible father,
00:05:49 --> 00:05:53 I think, to ever exist. And He learned about
00:05:53 --> 00:05:56 me and basically fought to get custody of me.
00:05:57 --> 00:05:59 So I lived with my mom until I was about three
00:05:59 --> 00:06:02 years old. And when I was two years old, she
00:06:02 --> 00:06:05 defied a court order and moved me out of Texas.
00:06:05 --> 00:06:09 And we went to Virgin Islands, the U .S. Virgin
00:06:09 --> 00:06:11 Islands, St. Croix, where her parents lived.
00:06:12 --> 00:06:15 My grandparents, they worked. My grandpa worked
00:06:15 --> 00:06:19 in construction, ran crane renting business or
00:06:19 --> 00:06:22 something. There's very little I remember about
00:06:22 --> 00:06:23 living in Virgin Islands, because I was only
00:06:23 --> 00:06:26 there from the age of two to three. But the few
00:06:26 --> 00:06:28 things that I remember are just always seeing
00:06:28 --> 00:06:31 my grandpa on a crane. Like that image sticks
00:06:31 --> 00:06:33 out. I remember when I first saw Flintstones,
00:06:33 --> 00:06:36 like I was like, oh, it's like my family. And
00:06:36 --> 00:06:39 yet I don't really have images or full memory
00:06:39 --> 00:06:42 of the environment and like where we were, what
00:06:42 --> 00:06:46 it looked like necessarily. But anyway, basically
00:06:46 --> 00:06:49 like. Child Protective Services ended up investigating
00:06:49 --> 00:06:52 my mother for neglect and found evidence of neglect
00:06:52 --> 00:06:57 and abuse and ended up bringing me back to Austin
00:06:57 --> 00:07:02 where my dad lived and giving me custody to my
00:07:02 --> 00:07:06 dad. And so then my dad remarried. I mean, he
00:07:06 --> 00:07:09 had a previous marriage that wasn't my mother.
00:07:09 --> 00:07:11 My mom and my dad were never married. It was
00:07:11 --> 00:07:14 more like a one night stand. then all of a sudden
00:07:14 --> 00:07:18 I exist. And so I, you know, my dad was the greatest
00:07:18 --> 00:07:22 father for so many reasons, but he was, you know,
00:07:22 --> 00:07:24 he saved my life. He got me out of that situation.
00:07:24 --> 00:07:27 So then I lived with my dad and my stepmom. So
00:07:27 --> 00:07:31 I moved out for the rest of my time, but I still
00:07:31 --> 00:07:34 had to see my mom for like visitation. every
00:07:34 --> 00:07:36 other weekend for a while. And then when I turned
00:07:36 --> 00:07:39 eight, it became once a month. So, like, I was
00:07:39 --> 00:07:41 put in therapy. Was that court ordered or is
00:07:41 --> 00:07:44 it something you mutually agreed upon? No, court
00:07:44 --> 00:07:47 ordered. Okay. Because if it was up to me and
00:07:47 --> 00:07:50 my dad, like, looking out for me, like, I wouldn't
00:07:50 --> 00:07:53 have had visitation at all. It was really difficult
00:07:53 --> 00:07:57 for me as a kid because I was aware that I was
00:07:57 --> 00:08:00 a kid of product of child abuse while still being
00:08:00 --> 00:08:03 in it and being abused. So my mother was like
00:08:03 --> 00:08:06 very violent and I was put in therapy from the
00:08:06 --> 00:08:09 age of five to 22. And like I didn't speak. I
00:08:09 --> 00:08:12 was late speaking. And then when I did start
00:08:12 --> 00:08:15 speaking, I stuttered because I was so nervous
00:08:15 --> 00:08:19 and scared. And the more that I shared in the
00:08:19 --> 00:08:22 sessions and stuff, the more they kind of realized
00:08:22 --> 00:08:25 that it was a lot more severe than they actually
00:08:25 --> 00:08:30 thought. And that there was You know, like I
00:08:30 --> 00:08:33 was being told that there were stories that I
00:08:33 --> 00:08:35 was assaulted being assaulted by men that my
00:08:35 --> 00:08:39 mom was hanging out with in Virgin Islands as
00:08:39 --> 00:08:44 a baby and that You know and that like I was
00:08:44 --> 00:08:48 having a recurring nightmares involving You know
00:08:48 --> 00:08:51 things happening to me that a kid wouldn't know
00:08:51 --> 00:08:55 about so then every time like I had every weekend
00:08:55 --> 00:08:58 my mom would give visitation I'd be going back
00:08:58 --> 00:09:02 like to my abuser and also like freshly kind
00:09:02 --> 00:09:04 of conscious of the darkest and worst of the
00:09:04 --> 00:09:06 abuse. And then she'd scream at me and hit me
00:09:06 --> 00:09:09 and, you know, get drunk. And then I go back
00:09:09 --> 00:09:12 home where I had safety and stability with my
00:09:12 --> 00:09:17 dad and then really struggle. Then when the supervised
00:09:17 --> 00:09:20 visitation started, it was because my mom basically
00:09:20 --> 00:09:24 started behaving sexually with me at the swimming
00:09:24 --> 00:09:29 pool. And then I spoke about it and then that
00:09:29 --> 00:09:32 limited her visitation to where she could only
00:09:32 --> 00:09:35 see me if she was being monitored by a psychiatrist,
00:09:35 --> 00:09:38 basically. So that was rough because the visitations
00:09:38 --> 00:09:42 were once a month and a few hours. And so I'd
00:09:42 --> 00:09:47 go see her for a visit. And then for like two
00:09:47 --> 00:09:49 weeks, the next two weeks, I'd really struggle.
00:09:50 --> 00:09:53 I'd wet the bed. Like I'd have nightmares. I'd
00:09:53 --> 00:09:59 act up in school. I'd hit my dad. And then kind
00:09:59 --> 00:10:02 of like settle back down, settle back in. Remember
00:10:02 --> 00:10:05 like I'm safe, do well in school, do well socially,
00:10:05 --> 00:10:08 be nice to my dad, control my body. And then
00:10:08 --> 00:10:11 it's time for another visit. And I was in this
00:10:11 --> 00:10:14 cycle for years from the age of eight to 13.
00:10:15 --> 00:10:19 And when I turned 14, I was allowed the age where
00:10:19 --> 00:10:22 I was allowed to go to court and speak for what
00:10:22 --> 00:10:25 I want. and say like, yo, I don't want to see
00:10:25 --> 00:10:31 this person anymore. And I never did. And she
00:10:31 --> 00:10:34 showed up to that hearing on drugs. So they were
00:10:34 --> 00:10:38 pretty cooperative with me and understanding.
00:10:38 --> 00:10:41 And so at that point, it was like a restraining
00:10:41 --> 00:10:44 order where she couldn't come within 250 feet
00:10:44 --> 00:10:46 of me. That was supposed to last until I was
00:10:46 --> 00:10:50 18. And then when I turned 18, I could decide
00:10:50 --> 00:10:55 what to do from there. an adult. So I'm just
00:10:55 --> 00:10:57 curious. I don't know if you know the answer
00:10:57 --> 00:11:00 to it, but you said when you were 13 or 14, you
00:11:00 --> 00:11:04 were able to speak in court. So up until then,
00:11:04 --> 00:11:07 they're not open to hear a child's concerns like,
00:11:07 --> 00:11:09 say, if there is something going on and they
00:11:09 --> 00:11:12 speak out about it or they want to voice their
00:11:12 --> 00:11:15 opinion in a court where there's people and officials
00:11:15 --> 00:11:18 that supposedly could step in and maybe save
00:11:18 --> 00:11:21 them from a harmful environment. Correct. I was
00:11:21 --> 00:11:24 never given that opportunity. 14 is the literal
00:11:24 --> 00:11:28 legal age where it becomes a thing. It was clear
00:11:28 --> 00:11:31 and evident for many years, I mean the whole
00:11:31 --> 00:11:33 time, that this woman should have never been
00:11:33 --> 00:11:36 anywhere near me or any other child or really
00:11:36 --> 00:11:42 animal or something alive. It was clear to everyone
00:11:42 --> 00:11:45 at a certain point that that was true. But mothers
00:11:45 --> 00:11:50 have strong rights, especially in Texas. She
00:11:50 --> 00:11:52 was very familiar with the system and, you know,
00:11:52 --> 00:11:56 being a victim. So she continued to get visitation
00:11:56 --> 00:11:59 and continued to be a monster. And it continued
00:11:59 --> 00:12:02 to make... things really hard from my own progress
00:12:02 --> 00:12:05 and development as a human being. Yeah, I could
00:12:05 --> 00:12:07 have, man. That just sounds, in itself, like
00:12:07 --> 00:12:11 how you said, once you start to stabilize a little
00:12:11 --> 00:12:13 bit and settle in and, okay, I'm safe here, the
00:12:13 --> 00:12:16 environment is not as harmful, you know, I have
00:12:16 --> 00:12:18 some security, I have some love, I have some
00:12:18 --> 00:12:21 support. And that takes time. You don't just
00:12:21 --> 00:12:23 get that and then you're like, oh, I'm good.
00:12:23 --> 00:12:27 Like if it's not familiar, you're not comfortable
00:12:27 --> 00:12:31 and not normalized. Yeah. So eventually you said
00:12:31 --> 00:12:33 when you hit 18 and you were finally able to
00:12:33 --> 00:12:36 just make up your own choice, I'm an adult now
00:12:36 --> 00:12:38 and you know, I don't want any contact with you
00:12:38 --> 00:12:41 because this isn't good for me at all. That was
00:12:41 --> 00:12:43 the idea. That's what I thought how it would
00:12:43 --> 00:12:46 play out. But what ended up happening is I finished
00:12:46 --> 00:12:49 my freshman year of high school all through middle.
00:12:49 --> 00:12:52 So all through elementary, I was a very violent
00:12:53 --> 00:12:56 super hyperactive angry kid. You know, I went
00:12:56 --> 00:12:58 through a lot of pain and all I was treated with
00:12:58 --> 00:13:01 was violence and anger and yelling. So that's
00:13:01 --> 00:13:04 how I knew to act and respond to things. And
00:13:04 --> 00:13:06 so I was always in the principal's office. I
00:13:06 --> 00:13:08 was always suspended. I was always at risk of
00:13:08 --> 00:13:11 getting expelled or getting like in public school.
00:13:11 --> 00:13:14 But it was also like the more that I stayed away
00:13:14 --> 00:13:17 from my mother. the better I did and the more
00:13:17 --> 00:13:19 normal I became. And, you know, that's why I
00:13:19 --> 00:13:23 was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD at the age of
00:13:23 --> 00:13:26 five, because my behavioral issues were related
00:13:26 --> 00:13:31 to my trauma and my experiences and not, like,
00:13:32 --> 00:13:35 some innate chemical, like, mental disability
00:13:35 --> 00:13:39 within me. But my stepmom... who I haven't gotten
00:13:39 --> 00:13:42 into and all this yet. I kind of saw her as my
00:13:42 --> 00:13:45 savior. She was like, she didn't hit me. So she
00:13:45 --> 00:13:48 was, I called her my real mom. And basically
00:13:48 --> 00:13:52 my entire childhood, she was lying to my doctors
00:13:52 --> 00:13:55 and lying to me and lying to everyone in my life
00:13:55 --> 00:14:00 that I was mentally ill and crazy and had a bipolar
00:14:00 --> 00:14:03 disorder and had me on medication for bipolar
00:14:03 --> 00:14:06 disorder when I don't have that till I was 22.
00:14:06 --> 00:14:09 She had you on it. So it was like, They put a,
00:14:09 --> 00:14:12 I don't know, was it was there some kind of a
00:14:12 --> 00:14:14 rule where you you had to take and say, even
00:14:14 --> 00:14:16 if you didn't even you didn't want to, you feel
00:14:16 --> 00:14:18 you didn't need it? Or how does that work out
00:14:18 --> 00:14:20 when they? Well, you know, this is the this is
00:14:20 --> 00:14:22 the what's telling me the power of political.
00:14:22 --> 00:14:25 I mean, not political, psychological, like persuasion
00:14:25 --> 00:14:27 and manipulation is like she told me my whole
00:14:27 --> 00:14:31 life, like since I can remember speaking to her
00:14:31 --> 00:14:36 that. I had a chemical imbalance in my brain
00:14:36 --> 00:14:39 and that. I needed to take this medication and
00:14:39 --> 00:14:42 be stable or whatever. And, you know, so it was
00:14:42 --> 00:14:45 through her psychological manipulation that she
00:14:45 --> 00:14:47 was able to get you to believe that this is what
00:14:47 --> 00:14:50 you need. It was essential. It was crucial for
00:14:50 --> 00:14:53 her that I believe that otherwise I wouldn't
00:14:53 --> 00:14:55 have complied. It wouldn't have made any sense.
00:14:55 --> 00:14:57 No one would have. Right. But I knew that. But
00:14:57 --> 00:15:00 the thing is, I knew I wasn't bipolar. So she
00:15:00 --> 00:15:02 would her her thing. She was aware that I knew
00:15:02 --> 00:15:05 that. And because I knew my mom was bipolar,
00:15:05 --> 00:15:09 my grandpa's bipolar. Like I understand why they
00:15:09 --> 00:15:12 specifically tested me for it and observed me
00:15:12 --> 00:15:14 for it and considered me for it. And it makes
00:15:14 --> 00:15:16 sense. And they should have. But because because,
00:15:16 --> 00:15:20 you know, it can be genetic. But through that,
00:15:20 --> 00:15:23 the observations with my early doctors, they
00:15:23 --> 00:15:26 determine like, he's not bipolar. He has PTSD.
00:15:26 --> 00:15:29 That's why every time he sees his mom, he gets
00:15:29 --> 00:15:32 more crazy. And every time he stays away from
00:15:32 --> 00:15:36 her, he improves. So she ran with this whole
00:15:36 --> 00:15:39 like chemical imbalance in my brain thing, which
00:15:39 --> 00:15:41 had never been told to me by a doctor or anyone
00:15:41 --> 00:15:43 else. But then through my the years of growing
00:15:43 --> 00:15:46 up, like I had like four or five different psychiatrists
00:15:46 --> 00:15:50 or six or something. And, you know, I was always
00:15:50 --> 00:15:52 told like, oh, there's an issue with the insurance
00:15:52 --> 00:15:55 or insurance change. They don't cover it anymore
00:15:55 --> 00:15:57 or whatever, whatever. who knows it could have
00:15:57 --> 00:15:59 been they stopped prescribing you so we found
00:15:59 --> 00:16:01 someone who would who would listen to me or whatever
00:16:01 --> 00:16:04 you know I don't know what conversations were
00:16:04 --> 00:16:06 really happening but I do know that like my stepmom
00:16:06 --> 00:16:10 was extremely knowledgeable about the medical
00:16:10 --> 00:16:12 field she worked in the medical field and she
00:16:12 --> 00:16:16 seemed to be homies with my doctors and you know
00:16:16 --> 00:16:20 I was super ADHD and couldn't sit still so we'd
00:16:20 --> 00:16:22 go to like once a month to have a checkup with
00:16:22 --> 00:16:25 the psychiatrist and I would be climbing on the
00:16:25 --> 00:16:29 chair and not paying attention and disengaged
00:16:29 --> 00:16:32 and with these weirdos who would just be super
00:16:32 --> 00:16:37 serious and I'd know were there to make a decision
00:16:37 --> 00:16:40 on how much worth I have or something. And then
00:16:40 --> 00:16:42 she would just sit there and talk to them. They
00:16:42 --> 00:16:45 never would even speak to me. And so she would
00:16:45 --> 00:16:48 tell them about how mean I was to her, how horrible
00:16:48 --> 00:16:51 it was in the last month, all the horrible things
00:16:51 --> 00:16:54 I did. then, all right, here's another refill.
00:16:55 --> 00:17:02 And it wasn't until I was 22, my psychiatrist
00:17:02 --> 00:17:06 retired. He was like, I'm not doing medication
00:17:06 --> 00:17:08 anymore. I'm retiring. You got to get a new one.
00:17:08 --> 00:17:11 So then I didn't have them for a while. And my
00:17:11 --> 00:17:14 stepmom was freaking out about, you need to get
00:17:14 --> 00:17:16 a new one so you can keep getting your meds.
00:17:16 --> 00:17:18 And so finally I went to some... Like a year
00:17:18 --> 00:17:21 went by and my general doctor was was filling
00:17:21 --> 00:17:23 them He didn't want to do that anymore. And so
00:17:23 --> 00:17:27 I went to a new guy and it was the first time
00:17:27 --> 00:17:30 I ever went to a therapy appointment on my own
00:17:30 --> 00:17:34 without her and I sat there and talked to the
00:17:34 --> 00:17:37 guy I also had just I had been living on my own
00:17:37 --> 00:17:39 for the first time in a year I'd moved out of
00:17:39 --> 00:17:41 my stepmom's house and was living with a roommate
00:17:42 --> 00:17:44 And also, during that time, I was working at
00:17:44 --> 00:17:47 my own high school with special ed, helping teach
00:17:47 --> 00:17:49 social skills to kids with autism, the high school
00:17:49 --> 00:17:53 I graduated from. And so I was doing well. And
00:17:53 --> 00:17:58 I talked to him for like an hour and he's like,
00:17:58 --> 00:18:00 yeah, you seem to be doing really well. I feel
00:18:00 --> 00:18:03 like you're taking medication for outdated diagnosis
00:18:03 --> 00:18:05 or something. So I think we should get you off.
00:18:05 --> 00:18:07 And I was like, you're the first person to ever
00:18:07 --> 00:18:12 say that to me. Thank you. thought so too, but
00:18:12 --> 00:18:17 I keep being told I'm crazy. And so I left that
00:18:17 --> 00:18:20 day and I never took another pill. And a year
00:18:20 --> 00:18:22 went by and my stepmom one day was like, are
00:18:22 --> 00:18:24 you still taking your meds? I was like, no, the
00:18:24 --> 00:18:27 guy you sent me to like got me off. And she was
00:18:27 --> 00:18:29 like, I thought so. And she tried to call my
00:18:29 --> 00:18:32 old psychiatrist that she was homies with and
00:18:32 --> 00:18:34 like get him to come out of retirement so that
00:18:34 --> 00:18:36 he would prescribe me pills again. I mean, and
00:18:36 --> 00:18:39 that was a big, big telling telltale too. Like,
00:18:39 --> 00:18:42 what the heck is wrong with you? What do you
00:18:42 --> 00:18:45 think her trip was with getting you on the meds
00:18:45 --> 00:18:49 and keeping you on them? Oh man, that might be
00:18:49 --> 00:18:53 a much deeper question than any of us have an
00:18:53 --> 00:18:56 understanding for, even me. I think... I think
00:18:56 --> 00:18:59 it goes real deep. I mean, I try not to be too
00:18:59 --> 00:19:02 too conspiratorial. I mean, control, you know,
00:19:02 --> 00:19:05 like I think it might even go back to like, I
00:19:05 --> 00:19:07 think she might have specifically targeted my
00:19:07 --> 00:19:11 dad and then to like to specifically get him
00:19:11 --> 00:19:15 out of the picture to specifically raise me and
00:19:15 --> 00:19:19 dictate my psychological understanding of myself
00:19:19 --> 00:19:24 in reality. Yeah, for control. But maybe more
00:19:24 --> 00:19:27 than that, too. Wow. So I mean, so she tried
00:19:27 --> 00:19:29 to bring the one who was retired, she tried to
00:19:29 --> 00:19:31 bring the psychologist out of retirement and
00:19:31 --> 00:19:34 he probably was like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm
00:19:34 --> 00:19:36 golfing now. I'm enjoying life. I'm not trying
00:19:36 --> 00:19:38 to come back. He's like, no, I'm not doing that.
00:19:38 --> 00:19:41 Yeah. I mean, it was just such a joke when she
00:19:41 --> 00:19:44 even said that's extreme. Yeah. It was just another
00:19:44 --> 00:19:46 sign for a confirmation for me that I'm doing
00:19:46 --> 00:19:49 the right thing. And like, like this person that
00:19:49 --> 00:19:54 I have put so much value in and like, attachment
00:19:54 --> 00:19:58 to and like trust and belief in is actually like
00:19:58 --> 00:20:00 not looking out for me or what's good for me
00:20:00 --> 00:20:04 and actually like might have been lying her whole
00:20:04 --> 00:20:07 my whole life and you know then I uncovered like
00:20:07 --> 00:20:11 a lot and I went one night and I logged into
00:20:11 --> 00:20:13 the computer and I went straight to her email
00:20:13 --> 00:20:17 and I searched my own name and I found emails
00:20:17 --> 00:20:20 from when I was in middle school like a guy that
00:20:20 --> 00:20:22 lived across the street from my grandma who was
00:20:22 --> 00:20:25 super cool. He started teaching me how to get
00:20:25 --> 00:20:28 better at football. And he played college football
00:20:28 --> 00:20:30 with Brett Favre. And he was like, you got a
00:20:30 --> 00:20:33 heck of an arm and like, real positive role model
00:20:33 --> 00:20:35 in my life. And I used to throw the football
00:20:35 --> 00:20:38 with them. And then one day he got cold. He said
00:20:38 --> 00:20:40 something about like, yeah, your parents, you
00:20:40 --> 00:20:44 know, are kind of uncomfortable with me. hanging
00:20:44 --> 00:20:46 out with you or whatever. And he kind of just
00:20:46 --> 00:20:48 shut it down with like, but he said he referenced
00:20:48 --> 00:20:51 my parents, but he didn't really tell me what
00:20:51 --> 00:20:54 was said or like what really went down because
00:20:54 --> 00:20:56 I was a kid, you know, it was in his place. But
00:20:56 --> 00:20:58 then I read the email and it all made sense.
00:20:59 --> 00:21:02 I read the email like 20 years later. And she
00:21:02 --> 00:21:05 emailed him saying he's mentally ill, he's crazy,
00:21:05 --> 00:21:09 his mom, he comes from his mom. And, you know,
00:21:09 --> 00:21:12 you should you should really back off. Oh, and
00:21:12 --> 00:21:15 I found others. related to family and friends
00:21:15 --> 00:21:19 and stuff of similar stuff. And I'm like, how
00:21:19 --> 00:21:22 much, this is one email, one example, like how
00:21:22 --> 00:21:25 much did this go on my whole life? And it did
00:21:25 --> 00:21:28 feel like I was always let down because it felt
00:21:28 --> 00:21:30 like every time I thought I made a friend or
00:21:30 --> 00:21:32 every time I thought something was going well,
00:21:33 --> 00:21:38 like she would find a way to tell me no, like
00:21:38 --> 00:21:40 no, oh, it didn't work out. Oh, they've canceled,
00:21:40 --> 00:21:45 oh. So then I got used to not having anything
00:21:45 --> 00:21:49 or getting anything good. Even having expectations,
00:21:49 --> 00:21:51 I bet, because you don't want to get let down.
00:21:51 --> 00:21:55 Right. My expectations, my expectations were
00:21:55 --> 00:21:59 that it would go horribly and be horrible. And
00:21:59 --> 00:22:02 everyone hated me. So then I stayed away from
00:22:02 --> 00:22:05 her and, you know, realized how good that was
00:22:05 --> 00:22:09 for me. And then I left Texas. But then I entered
00:22:09 --> 00:22:12 my first long term relationship. So by now I'm
00:22:12 --> 00:22:15 20, 25. I've lived on my own for a few years,
00:22:16 --> 00:22:18 a couple of years. Well, I had a roommate. And
00:22:18 --> 00:22:20 so then I get my own apartment for the first
00:22:20 --> 00:22:23 time in my life. It's just me. I'm on my own.
00:22:23 --> 00:22:27 Two weeks later, I meet this girl who's like
00:22:27 --> 00:22:30 a singer in a rock band. We really vibe and hit
00:22:30 --> 00:22:35 it off. She comes from a kind of toxic, abusive
00:22:35 --> 00:22:38 family like me. But the difference between us
00:22:38 --> 00:22:42 is like she's 25 and doesn't know that she's
00:22:42 --> 00:22:46 a product of child abuse. Where I was five and
00:22:46 --> 00:22:48 still being abused and knew it, you know what
00:22:48 --> 00:22:52 I mean? And so she like, so meeting me was the
00:22:52 --> 00:22:55 trigger point for her where she realized like,
00:22:55 --> 00:22:58 oh, like my mom is really mean and my dad doesn't
00:22:58 --> 00:23:03 care about me. And I was put through a lot as
00:23:03 --> 00:23:06 a kid that was really horrible. And that's really
00:23:06 --> 00:23:13 hard to I understood a lot as a kid, but I was
00:23:13 --> 00:23:16 25 and fully having to wrap my head around the
00:23:16 --> 00:23:19 fact that my stepmom was a monster. It was so
00:23:19 --> 00:23:23 easy to the outside eye to look at and be like,
00:23:23 --> 00:23:25 yo, that lady's messed up. And I had people tell
00:23:25 --> 00:23:28 me earlier in my life, like in high school and
00:23:28 --> 00:23:29 stuff, you should stay away from her. She's not
00:23:29 --> 00:23:31 very good for you to be around. Like she's really
00:23:31 --> 00:23:34 mean to you. And I would make every excuse and
00:23:34 --> 00:23:37 every justification as to, yeah. But she's done
00:23:37 --> 00:23:42 this for me. And yeah, but and then. You know,
00:23:42 --> 00:23:45 ultimately, I was like, oh, man, there is no
00:23:45 --> 00:23:48 excuse, like there's no justification, like there's
00:23:48 --> 00:23:51 some really messed up things in here that speak
00:23:51 --> 00:23:54 louder than anything. But her realizing that
00:23:54 --> 00:23:57 all at once as an adult was really difficult
00:23:57 --> 00:24:02 and I had a lot of empathy for her. But basically,
00:24:02 --> 00:24:07 like she was bipolar. She did have extreme mental
00:24:07 --> 00:24:15 illness and her reaction to the difficulty and
00:24:15 --> 00:24:20 challenge that comes with this process of healing
00:24:20 --> 00:24:23 from being an abused child was anger and rage
00:24:23 --> 00:24:29 and deflection and becoming a victim of it. And
00:24:29 --> 00:24:31 that was the opposite of my reaction, which was
00:24:31 --> 00:24:35 facing myself you know, like dealing with the
00:24:35 --> 00:24:40 discomfort and just riding the wave and trying
00:24:40 --> 00:24:42 to get better and better every day little by
00:24:42 --> 00:24:44 little. So I was in this relationship for nearly
00:24:44 --> 00:24:48 three years and what started with me being really
00:24:48 --> 00:24:51 at the peak of my life where I just shed all
00:24:51 --> 00:24:56 my toxic family and all my toxic trauma from
00:24:56 --> 00:25:00 my childhood, finally I'm a man at 25 ready to
00:25:00 --> 00:25:03 go grab life by the balls and go do something
00:25:03 --> 00:25:06 with myself. I just started releasing music.
00:25:06 --> 00:25:09 I was collaborating with some other known artists.
00:25:09 --> 00:25:14 I was performing. Then I enter this relationship
00:25:14 --> 00:25:18 and she was a toxic narcissist. And I'm trying
00:25:18 --> 00:25:20 to help this person that I relate to, but that
00:25:20 --> 00:25:24 also super mean to me. And, you know, it was
00:25:24 --> 00:25:27 like every day I was violently attacked and physically
00:25:27 --> 00:25:29 hit. She would hit me so hard on my forehead,
00:25:29 --> 00:25:31 my nose would bleed. It was unfamiliar to me
00:25:31 --> 00:25:36 to that level to love somebody and want to see
00:25:36 --> 00:25:40 somebody do better that is so horrible to you.
00:25:40 --> 00:25:43 And when I was with her, the day that I met her
00:25:43 --> 00:25:45 was at a concert that she was performing in and
00:25:45 --> 00:25:49 she took a bunch of shots of vodka or something
00:25:49 --> 00:25:52 and did a bunch of coke. And that was the last
00:25:52 --> 00:25:55 time that she drank or did drugs the whole time
00:25:55 --> 00:26:00 I knew her. Steered her away from that. I got
00:26:00 --> 00:26:04 her out of that band around away from those You
00:26:04 --> 00:26:07 know bad influences and then I helped her record
00:26:07 --> 00:26:10 and produce her own album that she wrote herself
00:26:10 --> 00:26:14 and Played everything herself. So like I was
00:26:14 --> 00:26:18 also seeing the growth and seeing her light up
00:26:18 --> 00:26:21 with her own Worth and potential and discovering
00:26:21 --> 00:26:25 that and I was beautiful. But at the same time
00:26:25 --> 00:26:28 She's discovering a lot of truth about her own
00:26:28 --> 00:26:30 life and her family and her upbringing. And it's
00:26:30 --> 00:26:34 really, really crazy. And that ended up spiraling
00:26:34 --> 00:26:39 her. And there's so many inconsistencies. And
00:26:39 --> 00:26:43 basically, you know, she convinced me. I became
00:26:43 --> 00:26:46 convinced. I allowed myself to be convinced that
00:26:46 --> 00:26:49 everyone in my life was a CIA agent meant to
00:26:49 --> 00:26:53 corrupt me and like that I had nobody. And like
00:26:53 --> 00:26:56 it was just me and her versus the world. and
00:26:56 --> 00:26:59 completely flip my understanding of reality and
00:26:59 --> 00:27:02 myself. And it's not like I just woke up overnight
00:27:02 --> 00:27:05 and she's like, hey, this is what these people
00:27:05 --> 00:27:07 are doing. And, you know, really just you and
00:27:07 --> 00:27:09 me. And I'm like, oh, well, OK, because I mean,
00:27:09 --> 00:27:11 that sounds really dumb. I fought her on all
00:27:11 --> 00:27:14 of this for months and months, but I also didn't
00:27:14 --> 00:27:18 like getting hit. And I knew that wasn't productive.
00:27:18 --> 00:27:22 So when I would basically contrast her on anything
00:27:22 --> 00:27:26 she ever said, I'd get hit for it. And so I'd
00:27:26 --> 00:27:27 be like, no, that's my sister. That's my friend
00:27:27 --> 00:27:29 from high school. Like, what are you talking
00:27:29 --> 00:27:31 about? And I'd get hit. So then I would just
00:27:31 --> 00:27:34 start agreeing with her. And I don't know, I
00:27:34 --> 00:27:37 guess I was becoming conditioned and normalized
00:27:37 --> 00:27:40 to it. And I was just kind of thinking like,
00:27:40 --> 00:27:42 she was so insecure and she didn't believe that
00:27:42 --> 00:27:44 I cared about her, that I wanted to be there
00:27:44 --> 00:27:49 for her. And I was determined to convince her
00:27:49 --> 00:27:51 of that, even though that wasn't possible. And
00:27:51 --> 00:27:54 I had to learn that later. So I would agree with
00:27:54 --> 00:27:55 her, but then she'd be like, oh, you don't mean
00:27:55 --> 00:28:00 that. And I'd be like, fuck, man, like I've never
00:28:00 --> 00:28:03 been a good liar. If I really don't believe something,
00:28:03 --> 00:28:06 I can't lie to you and tell you it with words.
00:28:06 --> 00:28:10 And so I had to embody it. I had to convince
00:28:10 --> 00:28:12 myself that she was right. I didn't have to.
00:28:12 --> 00:28:14 I'm saying, I mean, obviously I chose to do all
00:28:14 --> 00:28:19 this, but it felt like I did to be supportive
00:28:19 --> 00:28:21 to hers because Basically, at one point, I literally
00:28:21 --> 00:28:25 prayed to the universe and I was like, she's
00:28:25 --> 00:28:26 convinced I'm going to leave her eventually.
00:28:28 --> 00:28:32 Universe, God, dad, like, I'm not ever going
00:28:32 --> 00:28:35 to leave her. I've made that decision. I don't
00:28:35 --> 00:28:37 feel like she has anybody. I'm not going to abandon
00:28:37 --> 00:28:41 her no matter what happens or how insane this
00:28:41 --> 00:28:44 gets or how dark this gets or what it means for
00:28:44 --> 00:28:51 me and my own self. I'm not leaving her. So if
00:28:51 --> 00:28:57 that's not good for me or if we're not meant
00:28:57 --> 00:28:59 to be together or we're not supposed to stay
00:28:59 --> 00:29:01 together or whatever, you got to show that to
00:29:01 --> 00:29:05 me and you got to do something or make some sort
00:29:05 --> 00:29:09 of change to create that for her or for me because
00:29:09 --> 00:29:17 I'm not leaving. And within a few days, she didn't
00:29:17 --> 00:29:20 eat, sleep or drink for like a few days, she
00:29:20 --> 00:29:23 went completely crazy. She beat me for like three
00:29:23 --> 00:29:27 days straight, all waking hours just screaming
00:29:27 --> 00:29:30 at me and hitting me. And I was so exhausted.
00:29:30 --> 00:29:34 And I just kept saying, I choose peace. I choose
00:29:34 --> 00:29:36 peace. I'm going to go lay down and I would go
00:29:36 --> 00:29:39 lay down and take a nap and wake up an hour or
00:29:39 --> 00:29:43 two later, walk downstairs, try to have a normal
00:29:43 --> 00:29:45 conversation. She was just totally loopy and
00:29:45 --> 00:29:49 freaky and out of it. And would start a fight
00:29:49 --> 00:29:51 immediately. I'd be like, I choose peace. I'm
00:29:51 --> 00:29:56 going to go lay down. And that that response
00:29:56 --> 00:29:59 caused her to be like, I'm going to go get get
00:29:59 --> 00:30:04 some air. Like she couldn't stand that I wasn't
00:30:04 --> 00:30:06 fighting back, basically. There was no response.
00:30:07 --> 00:30:10 And so she had to go take that somewhere else.
00:30:10 --> 00:30:12 And she said she was going to get some air. And
00:30:12 --> 00:30:14 I said, OK, cool. And basically, I came back
00:30:14 --> 00:30:17 downstairs. from my nap and the whole house was
00:30:17 --> 00:30:23 empty. The car was gone. My clothes, my instruments,
00:30:24 --> 00:30:27 my hard drive, my ukulele, my socks, my legal
00:30:27 --> 00:30:31 documents, my, you know, pens and journals and
00:30:31 --> 00:30:34 paintings and art were all in the car. The house
00:30:34 --> 00:30:40 was empty. My dogs. And, you know, she was gone
00:30:40 --> 00:30:42 and I knew that I was basically about to start
00:30:42 --> 00:30:46 life over. And The only reason I know it happened
00:30:46 --> 00:30:48 is because I got an email that my dogs turned
00:30:48 --> 00:30:50 up in a shelter. I was trying to find them. They
00:30:50 --> 00:30:54 turned up in a shelter three hours away. So I
00:30:54 --> 00:30:57 got a ride up to the shelter. I bought a car
00:30:57 --> 00:31:00 on Craigslist while I was there in that town
00:31:00 --> 00:31:03 and got my dogs out of the shelter and drove
00:31:03 --> 00:31:07 back to Austin and restarted my whole life. And
00:31:07 --> 00:31:09 I lived in my car and I worked at a cafe in the
00:31:09 --> 00:31:12 morning and I slept in a parking lot and I got
00:31:12 --> 00:31:18 new socks and new legal documents and new instruments
00:31:18 --> 00:31:21 and recorded new music and came back to myself
00:31:21 --> 00:31:25 slowly and eventually started meeting new people,
00:31:25 --> 00:31:29 making new friends, finding my worth again. It
00:31:29 --> 00:31:33 seems up until that point like the three major
00:31:33 --> 00:31:36 figures in your life from your biological mother
00:31:36 --> 00:31:39 to your stepmother to your long -term relationship
00:31:39 --> 00:31:42 girlfriend, all three of them ended up pretty
00:31:42 --> 00:31:45 much using and abusing you. Yeah, and I was born
00:31:45 --> 00:31:49 on Mother's Day and you know mothers and and
00:31:49 --> 00:31:54 women have have had such a prominent profound
00:31:54 --> 00:31:57 deep Part of my I mean, I don't know. I can't
00:31:57 --> 00:31:59 speak for other people I don't know how it is
00:31:59 --> 00:32:03 to live another life experience, but it does
00:32:03 --> 00:32:07 feel like We come here with certain things Based
00:32:07 --> 00:32:11 on our karma or past lives or you know what our
00:32:11 --> 00:32:14 soul needs to experience maybe for the highest
00:32:14 --> 00:32:17 growth and I just feel like there's a lot of
00:32:17 --> 00:32:20 lessons for me that have been there for me to
00:32:20 --> 00:32:24 learn about life and this life experience and
00:32:24 --> 00:32:28 how that relates to women and motherhood. I've
00:32:28 --> 00:32:31 had people tell me like you know it's crazy that
00:32:31 --> 00:32:34 you still believe in relationships or like in
00:32:34 --> 00:32:38 dating and like women and stuff every woman has
00:32:38 --> 00:32:39 been done you so wrong it's because you don't
00:32:39 --> 00:32:43 hate women or whatever but The way I see it is
00:32:43 --> 00:32:45 like man, you just like you say you just named
00:32:45 --> 00:32:48 three women There are eight billion people on
00:32:48 --> 00:32:52 this planet and I happen to be exposed and you
00:32:52 --> 00:32:54 know It's my responsibility who I expose myself
00:32:54 --> 00:32:56 to this one of the great things that I love about
00:32:56 --> 00:32:59 being an adult I always looks for someone forward
00:32:59 --> 00:33:02 to turning 18 So that I could make my own decisions
00:33:02 --> 00:33:04 because I knew I'd make decisions better for
00:33:04 --> 00:33:06 me than the people that were making them for
00:33:06 --> 00:33:09 me And that's key. You said it. You have the
00:33:09 --> 00:33:12 responsibility to choose your relationships.
00:33:12 --> 00:33:14 There's a lot of people that fall into that.
00:33:14 --> 00:33:16 And I was one of those people too. Like every
00:33:16 --> 00:33:18 time something went wrong with me, I always blamed
00:33:18 --> 00:33:20 it on somebody else. And it seems like you were
00:33:20 --> 00:33:23 saying that with your girlfriend, your past girlfriend
00:33:23 --> 00:33:26 that she ended up with the things, the trauma
00:33:26 --> 00:33:28 that started to surface in her life. She started
00:33:28 --> 00:33:32 to fall into where you take on that victim mentality.
00:33:32 --> 00:33:34 I mean, of course there are things that happen
00:33:34 --> 00:33:36 that are outside of your control, but there comes
00:33:36 --> 00:33:40 a time where you do have control of certain situations,
00:33:41 --> 00:33:45 outcomes, behavior patterns, or even just the
00:33:45 --> 00:33:48 responsibility to correct some things if you
00:33:48 --> 00:33:51 see they need to be corrected and to look inward
00:33:51 --> 00:33:54 and see what's really going on and causing it
00:33:54 --> 00:33:57 and not to ignore it. And it seems like you were
00:33:57 --> 00:33:59 one of those people that... that leaned in that
00:33:59 --> 00:34:03 direction. But I wanted to ask you with you going
00:34:03 --> 00:34:06 through all of the what's that war of the roses
00:34:06 --> 00:34:09 with you and your relationship and the physical
00:34:09 --> 00:34:12 abuse, I'm sure the psychological abuse, the
00:34:12 --> 00:34:15 emotional abuse. But what do you think it was
00:34:15 --> 00:34:17 that you were you were willing pretty much to
00:34:17 --> 00:34:19 die on your sword with it? Like it doesn't matter
00:34:19 --> 00:34:22 what happens, what you do. I'm not going I'm
00:34:22 --> 00:34:25 not going anywhere. Did you feel like you maybe
00:34:25 --> 00:34:29 there was a way that things can be fixed and
00:34:29 --> 00:34:32 eventually she'll come to it and you would be
00:34:32 --> 00:34:36 able to live and build the life that you hoped
00:34:36 --> 00:34:39 for with her. Oh, with her? No, definitely not.
00:34:39 --> 00:34:44 I mean, man, the lesson and all that was me learning
00:34:44 --> 00:34:47 like self -worth and boundaries also and self
00:34:47 --> 00:34:52 -respect. And also like you can only help somebody
00:34:52 --> 00:34:56 as much as you're able to help yourself and The
00:34:56 --> 00:34:59 reality is like yeah, I probably was a person
00:34:59 --> 00:35:01 who was in a position to like be helpful for
00:35:01 --> 00:35:04 her But all the other thing is like you can only
00:35:04 --> 00:35:07 help people who are also wanting to be helped
00:35:07 --> 00:35:10 or wanting to help themselves to Help is really
00:35:10 --> 00:35:14 support you help yourself and people support
00:35:14 --> 00:35:17 you in helping yourself. That's what help is
00:35:17 --> 00:35:22 and Anything beyond that is is over giving is
00:35:22 --> 00:35:26 like you're basically losing And I was an over
00:35:26 --> 00:35:29 giver. I was a people pleaser. And I'm grateful
00:35:29 --> 00:35:32 that I went through experiences that showed me
00:35:32 --> 00:35:35 like a big part of where my resiliency comes
00:35:35 --> 00:35:41 from is I feel and I guess, you know, put it
00:35:41 --> 00:35:43 on myself. It doesn't exist outside of me, but
00:35:43 --> 00:35:46 I feel a huge responsibility. Nobody's putting
00:35:46 --> 00:35:49 it on me for me is what I'm saying. But I feel
00:35:49 --> 00:35:53 a huge responsibility to be. helpful and useful
00:35:53 --> 00:35:57 and beneficial and of service to others. So how
00:35:57 --> 00:36:02 can I be useful and be of service and be beneficial
00:36:02 --> 00:36:06 to others if I'm struggling through really poor
00:36:06 --> 00:36:09 decisions on who I surrounded myself with or
00:36:09 --> 00:36:13 I'm struggling through navigating like really
00:36:13 --> 00:36:16 horrendous dark experiences that I went through,
00:36:16 --> 00:36:19 you know, before I was even conscious of it.
00:36:19 --> 00:36:23 How do I fulfill my responsibility of being useful
00:36:23 --> 00:36:28 if I haven't put in the time and the work and
00:36:28 --> 00:36:31 overcome and taken care of my shit before I step
00:36:31 --> 00:36:34 out onto the platform and say, hey, who out there
00:36:34 --> 00:36:37 needs help? I got you. And I feel like I'm reaching
00:36:37 --> 00:36:41 a point, you know, I'm not fully there yet, but
00:36:41 --> 00:36:43 I am a lot more helpful to people than I was
00:36:43 --> 00:36:46 last year at this time, you could say. I can
00:36:46 --> 00:36:50 tell that I'm achieving my goals and I'm on the
00:36:50 --> 00:36:52 path that I wanna be on and I'm gonna get to
00:36:52 --> 00:36:55 where I wanna go. But the reason I'm gonna be
00:36:55 --> 00:36:58 in that place where I can kind of take a step
00:36:58 --> 00:37:01 back and be like, wow, I'm good. I'm well, I'm
00:37:01 --> 00:37:05 taken care of and I'm good. So let me look around
00:37:05 --> 00:37:09 and be like, yo, anybody out there need a hand?
00:37:09 --> 00:37:12 But the reason I get there is because of being
00:37:12 --> 00:37:15 very disciplined and aware. You know, I think
00:37:15 --> 00:37:20 a little maybe wise with how much I give in the
00:37:20 --> 00:37:22 meantime, because I still want to be helpful.
00:37:22 --> 00:37:25 I want to be useful to the level that I'm at.
00:37:25 --> 00:37:28 I don't want to ignore the things happening just
00:37:28 --> 00:37:30 because I'm too busy trying to elevate myself
00:37:30 --> 00:37:32 so that eventually at one day I can be helpful.
00:37:32 --> 00:37:33 And that's something I've really struggled with
00:37:33 --> 00:37:35 in the last few years. Maybe it's like I've been
00:37:35 --> 00:37:39 a guy on the street with nothing. that literally
00:37:39 --> 00:37:42 probably anybody else would be helpful to because
00:37:42 --> 00:37:45 they had more than me or more stability than
00:37:45 --> 00:37:48 me. But also I've been, you know, now I'm a guy
00:37:48 --> 00:37:51 living in an apartment or, you know, a room and
00:37:51 --> 00:37:55 having a job and being successful. So I'm probably
00:37:55 --> 00:37:57 pretty useful to the guy that's out there on
00:37:57 --> 00:38:00 the street on the sidewalk right now. I can't
00:38:00 --> 00:38:03 necessarily save his life, but I can make his
00:38:03 --> 00:38:07 day better today. Maybe like I could buy him
00:38:07 --> 00:38:09 lunch today. Like I would walk around when I
00:38:09 --> 00:38:12 was in New York, you know, everyone in New York
00:38:12 --> 00:38:16 is so busy and so worried about their own things
00:38:16 --> 00:38:18 that they're doing and they never look around
00:38:18 --> 00:38:21 and see anyone. And I would like go to Taco Bell
00:38:21 --> 00:38:24 and buy a quesadilla and buy a couple of burritos
00:38:24 --> 00:38:28 and then go find someone sitting by themselves
00:38:28 --> 00:38:31 on the sidewalk and say, you want half this?
00:38:31 --> 00:38:33 I don't need it all. And sit there and have lunch
00:38:33 --> 00:38:35 with them, because I didn't have anybody to eat
00:38:35 --> 00:38:37 with either. But, you know, and that's something
00:38:37 --> 00:38:40 I can do now. I couldn't do that when I was the
00:38:40 --> 00:38:43 guy wanting food on the sidewalk. So then eventually
00:38:43 --> 00:38:45 I can level up to where I'm not just able to
00:38:45 --> 00:38:48 buy this dude some food and share lunch with
00:38:48 --> 00:38:50 them, but I'm also able to build a school or,
00:38:50 --> 00:38:53 you know, like something more grand scale. But
00:38:53 --> 00:38:57 I can't wake up today and be like, let me go
00:38:57 --> 00:39:00 help the whole world when I'm not able to help
00:39:00 --> 00:39:04 myself to the capacity that the whole world could.
00:39:04 --> 00:39:07 So until I am and I'm able to provide that to
00:39:07 --> 00:39:11 myself and until then I'm not able to then Look
00:39:11 --> 00:39:13 outside that way, you know, I mean everything
00:39:13 --> 00:39:15 everything is about where I'm at within and I'm
00:39:15 --> 00:39:18 working on myself within so that I can be the
00:39:18 --> 00:39:23 biggest use externally That's a righteous cause
00:39:23 --> 00:39:26 and, you know, just to tip my hat off to you
00:39:26 --> 00:39:29 for sharing some of those dark places you took
00:39:29 --> 00:39:31 us to the underworld, you know, to the depths
00:39:31 --> 00:39:34 and some of the the hurt and pain with relationships
00:39:34 --> 00:39:37 and with these people in your life that are supposed
00:39:37 --> 00:39:40 to be there to support you, to love you, to nourish
00:39:40 --> 00:39:44 you, to help you feel secure. You know, you've
00:39:44 --> 00:39:46 come a long ways and like you said, you still
00:39:46 --> 00:39:48 have a long ways to go. considering everything
00:39:48 --> 00:39:52 that you shared, you did talk about some of the
00:39:52 --> 00:39:55 psychologists and the psychiatrists that you
00:39:55 --> 00:39:57 spoke with, but was there certain things that
00:39:57 --> 00:40:01 were helping you unpack and to deal with this
00:40:01 --> 00:40:03 trauma that you dealt with throughout your years?
00:40:04 --> 00:40:06 Were there certain practices or anything that
00:40:06 --> 00:40:09 you were doing along the way? Because it seems
00:40:09 --> 00:40:13 like you were doing your own self -reflection
00:40:13 --> 00:40:16 and you were trying to you know, come to terms
00:40:16 --> 00:40:18 with some of the things that happen and to deal
00:40:18 --> 00:40:22 with them and not to use these ill coping mechanisms
00:40:22 --> 00:40:26 that we can go to, which would be substances
00:40:26 --> 00:40:29 or different ways that we try to escape the pain
00:40:29 --> 00:40:32 or hide the pain or hush the pain. And was there
00:40:32 --> 00:40:35 anything particular or a few things that you
00:40:35 --> 00:40:38 were doing in general that were helping you along
00:40:38 --> 00:40:41 the way and dealing with your own healing and
00:40:41 --> 00:40:44 recovery with all that you've been through? I
00:40:44 --> 00:40:47 mean, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. I feel very
00:40:47 --> 00:40:52 fortunate because like my what I was born into
00:40:52 --> 00:40:55 and my early childhood experiences basically
00:40:55 --> 00:40:57 like what I went through like from the age of
00:40:57 --> 00:41:00 zero to eight especially I would say or you could
00:41:00 --> 00:41:05 say zero to three. I went through the same things
00:41:05 --> 00:41:10 at zero to three that I went through at 25 to
00:41:10 --> 00:41:13 28. With a different woman like at zero to three
00:41:13 --> 00:41:17 was my mother the first woman I ever met And
00:41:17 --> 00:41:20 is my first is teaching me who a woman is and
00:41:20 --> 00:41:24 what a woman is Wow at three years span and both
00:41:24 --> 00:41:28 both sides of the spectrum and then at 25 I'm
00:41:28 --> 00:41:31 it's my first like real passionate committed
00:41:31 --> 00:41:35 partner that I'm like view a life with and They
00:41:35 --> 00:41:38 were so similar and they treated me so similarly,
00:41:38 --> 00:41:43 but I had already overcome it as a kid, because
00:41:43 --> 00:41:47 from, you know, eight to 14 and then becoming
00:41:47 --> 00:41:50 an adult and graduating high school and getting
00:41:50 --> 00:41:53 through high school, I grew a lot. I faced a
00:41:53 --> 00:41:56 lot. And, you know, what I was doing and I mean,
00:41:56 --> 00:41:59 I remember being a little kid and laying in my
00:41:59 --> 00:42:01 bed and feeling like I had two sides to myself,
00:42:02 --> 00:42:04 not two sides to myself, but two entities within
00:42:04 --> 00:42:07 me. Like in therapy, we called it Mr. Anger.
00:42:08 --> 00:42:11 There was Mr. Anger. who tried to convince me
00:42:11 --> 00:42:14 that he was me and tried to sway me. And then
00:42:14 --> 00:42:18 there was me, like really me. And I knew like,
00:42:18 --> 00:42:21 I'm somebody who wants to be happy. I'm somebody
00:42:21 --> 00:42:24 who wants to smile. I wanna laugh. I wanna feel
00:42:24 --> 00:42:27 good. I want other people to feel good around
00:42:27 --> 00:42:33 me. And I wanna see other people feel good. So
00:42:33 --> 00:42:37 anything that isn't that, isn't me. It's something
00:42:37 --> 00:42:40 that was put on me. My mother, is not that person.
00:42:40 --> 00:42:43 She doesn't want those things. She wants me to
00:42:43 --> 00:42:46 feel pain. She wants others to feel pain and
00:42:46 --> 00:42:49 suffering because she feels pain and suffering.
00:42:49 --> 00:42:55 So anything that isn't me, it was put on me or
00:42:55 --> 00:42:59 given to me by people that surrounded me. So
00:42:59 --> 00:43:01 I would lay in bed trying to go to sleep and
00:43:01 --> 00:43:03 I could always struggle to sleep, but I would
00:43:03 --> 00:43:05 have like all these horrible, dark, sadistic,
00:43:05 --> 00:43:10 twisted thoughts flowed into my head. And it
00:43:10 --> 00:43:14 was always like practice of learning to replace
00:43:14 --> 00:43:17 that thought. Every time I had a weird, crazy,
00:43:17 --> 00:43:22 uncomfortable, dark, evil thought, I would be
00:43:22 --> 00:43:26 like, oh, no, that's Mr. Anger. Like, what's
00:43:26 --> 00:43:28 my thought? My thought is something beautiful.
00:43:29 --> 00:43:31 And I would flip it. And then now I'm thinking
00:43:31 --> 00:43:33 about something completely different, completely
00:43:33 --> 00:43:36 unrelated, but that I love, you know, whatever
00:43:36 --> 00:43:41 that is. Then, you know, another weird dark thought
00:43:41 --> 00:43:44 comes and it was really hard and it took me years.
00:43:44 --> 00:43:48 But eventually it became easier for that thought
00:43:48 --> 00:43:51 to go away and become the positive thought. And
00:43:51 --> 00:43:53 then eventually that dark thought didn't come
00:43:53 --> 00:43:56 at all anymore, or he came less and less. And
00:43:56 --> 00:43:58 then when he could come, he was fucking weak
00:43:58 --> 00:44:04 as shit. punch him right down and be happy. And
00:44:04 --> 00:44:05 then eventually he stopped coming around all
00:44:05 --> 00:44:09 together because I'm no fun for him. And Mr.
00:44:09 --> 00:44:12 Anger fucking died. And it became, I don't know,
00:44:12 --> 00:44:16 I'm very competitive and I'm very driven. And
00:44:16 --> 00:44:21 I very much once I realized how weak demons are,
00:44:22 --> 00:44:27 how weak negative thoughts and entities are and
00:44:27 --> 00:44:32 how much stronger I am. It became fun and it
00:44:32 --> 00:44:34 became a joke. And that's one thing I really
00:44:34 --> 00:44:39 credit my dad with is humor. Humor was the highlight
00:44:39 --> 00:44:42 of my childhood with him. He made everything
00:44:42 --> 00:44:47 fucking hilarious. He was a goofball. And I realized
00:44:47 --> 00:44:51 the reason I didn't realize how dark my childhood
00:44:51 --> 00:44:55 was until much later. I knew it was dark. I didn't
00:44:55 --> 00:44:58 realize how dark it was. The main reason why
00:44:58 --> 00:45:01 is because my dad made everyone seem like a cartoon
00:45:01 --> 00:45:04 character and, you know, would make jokes and
00:45:04 --> 00:45:07 crack jokes. And so like somebody that's like
00:45:07 --> 00:45:10 like in horror movies, when the demons making
00:45:10 --> 00:45:12 some scary voice and everyone's getting scared
00:45:12 --> 00:45:16 of it, it was hilarious. He did what darkness
00:45:16 --> 00:45:20 does to light, basically. And he made it a mockery,
00:45:20 --> 00:45:24 a joke. And that's how I started the mentality
00:45:24 --> 00:45:26 I started having towards any of that, any struggle.
00:45:27 --> 00:45:30 Like it's a it's a joke. Whatever you have to
00:45:30 --> 00:45:32 do to motivate yourself. I guess it kind of can
00:45:32 --> 00:45:36 be a little Mean maybe I don't fully believe
00:45:36 --> 00:45:39 that these dark things or people who have done
00:45:39 --> 00:45:42 bad things or whatever like are horrible bad
00:45:42 --> 00:45:45 people like we all just made decisions based
00:45:45 --> 00:45:49 on where we're at and It's a lot easier to motivate
00:45:49 --> 00:45:54 myself To overcome that when I kind of flip the
00:45:54 --> 00:45:56 script My whole life I've been thinking that
00:45:56 --> 00:45:58 I was weak as shit, but you're the one that's
00:45:58 --> 00:46:01 weak You can't even fucking stand to be around
00:46:01 --> 00:46:03 me because I'm that cool. Like I'm that full
00:46:03 --> 00:46:07 of light I'm that dope just simply existing like
00:46:07 --> 00:46:09 you can't handle it. That's right. Like you've
00:46:09 --> 00:46:13 been this week the whole time You were being
00:46:13 --> 00:46:17 that the observer You know, you were observing,
00:46:18 --> 00:46:21 you were becoming aware and mindful. It seems
00:46:21 --> 00:46:22 like, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but when
00:46:22 --> 00:46:24 you were explaining like the thoughts, they would
00:46:24 --> 00:46:26 come in, they would invade. And sometimes they're
00:46:26 --> 00:46:29 coming. Sometimes these things just drop in on
00:46:29 --> 00:46:31 us and we wonder like, where is that coming from?
00:46:31 --> 00:46:33 Is it something from my past? Is it something
00:46:33 --> 00:46:36 that I surrounded myself with? Is it something
00:46:36 --> 00:46:39 in the environment or is this actually coming
00:46:39 --> 00:46:43 from me? And some people will not take notice
00:46:43 --> 00:46:45 of that they're not sensitive to it and they're
00:46:45 --> 00:46:47 just being pulled and nudged in all these different
00:46:47 --> 00:46:50 directions and they're just a complete mess but
00:46:50 --> 00:46:53 it seems like you were observing you were aware
00:46:53 --> 00:46:56 and instead of identifying with that thought
00:46:56 --> 00:46:59 you know you were unpacking it questioning it
00:46:59 --> 00:47:04 and then letting it pass by and not holding on
00:47:04 --> 00:47:08 to it and then you were activating this side
00:47:08 --> 00:47:10 of you were saying like, no, this is this is
00:47:10 --> 00:47:12 what I'm about. This is what I want. This is
00:47:12 --> 00:47:15 what what lights me up. This is what fills me
00:47:15 --> 00:47:17 with joy. What happened is this is who I am.
00:47:18 --> 00:47:22 And slowly but surely that started to be more
00:47:22 --> 00:47:26 prominent in your life. And the darkness, so
00:47:26 --> 00:47:30 to speak, wasn't able to swallow you alive and
00:47:30 --> 00:47:35 just completely. claim you and to use your body
00:47:35 --> 00:47:38 at not to say that you have no autonomy in what
00:47:38 --> 00:47:40 you're doing, but to the point where now you're
00:47:40 --> 00:47:42 doing things that you normally wouldn't do is
00:47:42 --> 00:47:47 because there is different. sources of energies
00:47:47 --> 00:47:50 that you allow to just take over your body. And
00:47:50 --> 00:47:52 this can come from different experiences in our
00:47:52 --> 00:47:55 life. And yeah, that you just started to take
00:47:55 --> 00:47:57 ownership of that and you were aware of it, observed
00:47:57 --> 00:48:00 it and you started to think upon it and you started
00:48:00 --> 00:48:05 to act upon it. And that really, really changed,
00:48:06 --> 00:48:08 changed the way you were able to deal with a
00:48:08 --> 00:48:11 lot of the dark suffering and the pain and the
00:48:11 --> 00:48:15 hurt in your past. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah,
00:48:15 --> 00:48:18 well said. Everything up to now is just the whole
00:48:18 --> 00:48:21 count of the, how you talk about the responsibility,
00:48:22 --> 00:48:25 the accountability. I mean, this is really what
00:48:25 --> 00:48:29 I love to highlight. And this is the power of
00:48:29 --> 00:48:33 when people start to take accountability and
00:48:33 --> 00:48:36 responsibility for themselves. for the livelihood,
00:48:37 --> 00:48:39 for the actions, the behaviors or thoughts. And
00:48:39 --> 00:48:42 you said it, like you started to feel like I'm
00:48:42 --> 00:48:46 not weak, I'm not powerless. I'm activating all
00:48:46 --> 00:48:50 of these, this sovereignty that we have within
00:48:50 --> 00:48:53 ourselves, but we surrender it, we give it up,
00:48:53 --> 00:48:58 or we allow other things to dictate and to pretty
00:48:58 --> 00:49:02 much strip us of that to where now we're just
00:49:02 --> 00:49:06 a puppet on a string. or we feel like we have
00:49:06 --> 00:49:11 no control of our actions because there's something
00:49:11 --> 00:49:14 else. There's external forces that are just nudging
00:49:14 --> 00:49:19 us and having their way with us. But I just have
00:49:19 --> 00:49:21 to say that because it's good to hear this and
00:49:21 --> 00:49:23 it's refreshing to hear this. And I'm happy,
00:49:24 --> 00:49:27 even though we just now met, but I'm happy to
00:49:27 --> 00:49:29 hear that you've come a long way. And there's
00:49:29 --> 00:49:31 a lot that you've learned along the way too.
00:49:32 --> 00:49:35 I feel that this would be valuable for somebody
00:49:35 --> 00:49:38 else in the other end, listening to some of your
00:49:38 --> 00:49:40 story and even the things that you're involved
00:49:40 --> 00:49:44 with. I mean, you had a good set up beforehand
00:49:44 --> 00:49:47 and things went things just went wrong and you
00:49:47 --> 00:49:51 lost everything. Your partner that you had strong
00:49:51 --> 00:49:55 feelings for and you had grand hopes for maybe
00:49:55 --> 00:49:58 building something until things just completely
00:49:58 --> 00:50:01 went sour and everything was taken from you.
00:50:01 --> 00:50:04 And then now you're in this chapter of your life
00:50:04 --> 00:50:06 where, like I told you in the beginning, I pulled
00:50:06 --> 00:50:08 up your information. I'm like, what don't you
00:50:08 --> 00:50:10 do? You're a writer, you're a musician, you're
00:50:10 --> 00:50:14 an artist, you you do acting. And the reason
00:50:14 --> 00:50:18 I had reached out to initially was some of your
00:50:18 --> 00:50:21 backstory. And then I listened to a couple of
00:50:21 --> 00:50:24 your tracks. Depnate was one of them and the
00:50:24 --> 00:50:26 other one. And I told you beforehand that the
00:50:26 --> 00:50:30 lyrics delivery. everything about it was just
00:50:30 --> 00:50:32 speaking to me. It just hit me in a real way.
00:50:32 --> 00:50:36 And I said, I got to connect with him and hear
00:50:36 --> 00:50:40 some of his story and understand some of your
00:50:40 --> 00:50:44 get down. And thanks again for being open and
00:50:44 --> 00:50:47 sharing a lot of those hard times and some of
00:50:47 --> 00:50:50 the lessons that you learned along the way and
00:50:50 --> 00:50:53 still learning. But if you want to talk. a little
00:50:53 --> 00:50:56 bit about what you have going on now, some of
00:50:56 --> 00:50:58 your music or projects or anything that you're
00:50:58 --> 00:51:01 involved with. Yeah, man. I mean, thank you so
00:51:01 --> 00:51:03 much for saying all of that. It means a lot to
00:51:03 --> 00:51:08 me. I feel very blessed because I've been told
00:51:08 --> 00:51:11 I'm very observant. I guess we all kind of have
00:51:11 --> 00:51:13 natural character traits or whatever that makes
00:51:13 --> 00:51:16 us all different and unique and who we are. I
00:51:16 --> 00:51:20 feel very blessed that my life has given me circumstances
00:51:20 --> 00:51:23 and environments that have created such amazing
00:51:23 --> 00:51:29 opportunities to learn really deep and valuable
00:51:29 --> 00:51:32 lessons for the life, human life experience.
00:51:32 --> 00:51:34 And in my opinion, that are going to that have
00:51:34 --> 00:51:38 served me quite well. And hopefully through just
00:51:38 --> 00:51:40 existing in front of other people and some of
00:51:40 --> 00:51:43 the art and collaborations and creations and
00:51:43 --> 00:51:47 films and TV shows and music that I get to be
00:51:47 --> 00:51:51 a part of. It continues to give people an example
00:51:51 --> 00:51:54 of someone out there who can do it and has done
00:51:54 --> 00:51:58 it and is doing it and had every reason, every
00:51:58 --> 00:52:02 excuse that he couldn't or wouldn't. And, you
00:52:02 --> 00:52:05 know, my catchphrase is if I can do it, who can't?
00:52:05 --> 00:52:10 Because I'm just some guy. But I'm very blessed
00:52:10 --> 00:52:13 because, like I said, like the lessons life has
00:52:13 --> 00:52:17 taught me, it's very hard to wrap your head around
00:52:17 --> 00:52:22 something like my mother isn't doesn't love me
00:52:22 --> 00:52:26 or my mother isn't caring for me healthily like
00:52:26 --> 00:52:29 that it's a simple thing to say but there's a
00:52:29 --> 00:52:33 lot of people out there who don't have any idea
00:52:33 --> 00:52:35 what that means or what that's like or what that
00:52:35 --> 00:52:39 feels like or then what that means and you have
00:52:39 --> 00:52:42 to work on and understand through your life from
00:52:42 --> 00:52:45 there and you know just every step of the way
00:52:45 --> 00:52:51 I've had some deeply traumatic intense dynamic,
00:52:52 --> 00:52:54 largely related to relationships with people,
00:52:55 --> 00:53:01 close ones, that I'm able to zoom out. And ultimately,
00:53:01 --> 00:53:04 it doesn't matter. Mother, brother, cousin, those
00:53:04 --> 00:53:06 are titles. Even girlfriend, those are titles.
00:53:07 --> 00:53:10 They don't come with set characteristics. It's
00:53:10 --> 00:53:15 just identifications for communication. who you
00:53:15 --> 00:53:17 spend your time with, the people you surround
00:53:17 --> 00:53:20 yourself with, the people you work with, the
00:53:20 --> 00:53:23 people you hang out with, the people you sit
00:53:23 --> 00:53:26 down with at holiday dinners. That's all up to
00:53:26 --> 00:53:32 you. And I think it's so much more worth it to
00:53:32 --> 00:53:35 be around people that feel, I know what it feels
00:53:35 --> 00:53:39 like now. It's very clear to me. This is probably
00:53:39 --> 00:53:41 the biggest lesson that I'm grateful for. my
00:53:41 --> 00:53:44 life or putting me through to learn is the people
00:53:44 --> 00:53:46 out there that make your heart sing and make
00:53:46 --> 00:53:50 you flutter and you are almost like surprised
00:53:50 --> 00:53:53 at some of the things they say and how well they
00:53:53 --> 00:53:56 see you. They're out there and that's who you
00:53:56 --> 00:54:00 should be around. And. I have people like that
00:54:00 --> 00:54:03 in my life, but I also know that. There are many
00:54:03 --> 00:54:05 more out there that I don't know, that I haven't
00:54:05 --> 00:54:07 met, that haven't come into my life yet. People
00:54:07 --> 00:54:10 like you too, Rich. Like you said, we just met,
00:54:10 --> 00:54:14 but we clicked and we're about the same things
00:54:14 --> 00:54:17 and I'm sure that this is far from the last conversation
00:54:17 --> 00:54:20 we'll ever have. Yeah, that's right. I know that
00:54:20 --> 00:54:23 there's the whole world out there of people that
00:54:23 --> 00:54:27 want to be around you, want to be around me and
00:54:27 --> 00:54:31 go allow that to happen. It's worth it. But sorry,
00:54:31 --> 00:54:33 your question was, what am I doing? What do I
00:54:33 --> 00:54:38 have going on? So from 2020 to 2022, I released
00:54:38 --> 00:54:40 a bunch of music under my legal name, Steven
00:54:40 --> 00:54:45 Strong. And basically, the biggest epiphany I
00:54:45 --> 00:54:48 ever had in my whole life was in November in
00:54:48 --> 00:54:53 2025, like a few months ago. And it was on the
00:54:53 --> 00:54:55 other side of that relationship. I rebuilt my
00:54:55 --> 00:54:57 whole life. I was in and out of homelessness.
00:54:57 --> 00:55:01 And so in November, I finally got my first room
00:55:01 --> 00:55:04 that, you know, I covered and I got for myself
00:55:04 --> 00:55:08 and I moved in and I decorated the walls and
00:55:08 --> 00:55:10 had my own bed and all that. And it was the first
00:55:10 --> 00:55:12 time I've had a safe place to sleep and go back
00:55:12 --> 00:55:16 to every night consistently for in three and
00:55:16 --> 00:55:20 a half years. So I've jumped forward in leaps
00:55:20 --> 00:55:24 and bounds and progress because I've been stewing
00:55:24 --> 00:55:30 and grumbling and navigating so much within me
00:55:30 --> 00:55:33 for the last three and a half years of overcoming
00:55:33 --> 00:55:37 the horrors, but, you know, then reaching a healthy
00:55:37 --> 00:55:40 enough place to be like, I got a lot to share.
00:55:40 --> 00:55:44 Like I got a lot of art to turn this into. And
00:55:44 --> 00:55:47 anyway, in November, I've known for a long time
00:55:47 --> 00:55:51 now, like, man, I have it all. Like I do it all.
00:55:51 --> 00:55:54 but I still have some hangup within myself. There's
00:55:54 --> 00:55:57 some blockage that I haven't been able to identify
00:55:57 --> 00:56:01 that I can't figure out that I know is there.
00:56:01 --> 00:56:04 And I just, I know I'll figure it out in the
00:56:04 --> 00:56:06 right time, but I don't know what it is. I've
00:56:06 --> 00:56:09 been aware of this for years. And in November,
00:56:09 --> 00:56:14 I moved into this place, had five days of knowing
00:56:14 --> 00:56:17 I'm safe and in my own spot. And also not just
00:56:17 --> 00:56:21 in my own spot, but away from it. lot of people
00:56:21 --> 00:56:23 that I was around away from a lot of negative
00:56:23 --> 00:56:25 influences away from people that I didn't want
00:56:25 --> 00:56:29 to be around and Fully like just in my own space
00:56:29 --> 00:56:35 and thoughts and within a week. I had the biggest
00:56:35 --> 00:56:37 Epiphany I figure out what the blockage was.
00:56:37 --> 00:56:40 It was guilt and I wouldn't have called it guilt
00:56:40 --> 00:56:43 I didn't articulate it as guilt, but I realized,
00:56:43 --> 00:56:46 and I watched this video of this guy talking
00:56:46 --> 00:56:48 about how like the universe is mechanical and
00:56:48 --> 00:56:51 there is no good or bad. And a lot of times we
00:56:51 --> 00:56:55 limit ourselves with like survivor's guilt. And
00:56:55 --> 00:56:56 I was like, survivor's guilt. Like I've heard
00:56:56 --> 00:56:58 that because when my dad died, I went through
00:56:58 --> 00:57:01 grief counseling and learned about the grief
00:57:01 --> 00:57:04 process and stuff like that. And I realized like,
00:57:04 --> 00:57:07 damn, I have survivor's guilt. You know, my best
00:57:07 --> 00:57:10 friend died too a few years after that. and we
00:57:10 --> 00:57:13 were really close and I didn't properly grieve
00:57:13 --> 00:57:15 either of them because you know like when my
00:57:15 --> 00:57:18 dad died in high school my stepmom told me I
00:57:18 --> 00:57:20 couldn't tell anybody I had to keep it a secret
00:57:20 --> 00:57:24 so for two years until I was 18 like I acted
00:57:24 --> 00:57:27 like my dad was at home and he was like my best
00:57:27 --> 00:57:29 friend so he was crushing and it wasn't true
00:57:29 --> 00:57:33 either it literally was just to suppress me so
00:57:33 --> 00:57:37 I struggled to even feel my emotions and have
00:57:37 --> 00:57:40 them rise to the surface and process them. I
00:57:40 --> 00:57:42 was taught myself to survive, to become numb
00:57:42 --> 00:57:46 to everything. So then also like with that abusive
00:57:46 --> 00:57:48 relationship I was in, like she was so insecure
00:57:48 --> 00:57:52 and so controlling and manipulative and stuff.
00:57:52 --> 00:57:55 The main weapon she had on me was guilt. I was
00:57:55 --> 00:57:57 made to feel guilty for everything. I held the
00:57:57 --> 00:57:59 door open for somebody at a gas station as I
00:57:59 --> 00:58:03 walked out and she slapped me. and said that
00:58:03 --> 00:58:06 I only held it open for them because they were
00:58:06 --> 00:58:08 a woman. And I was like, I didn't even know who
00:58:08 --> 00:58:10 it was. Like, that's just what you do. So I was
00:58:10 --> 00:58:13 like, I was very social and active in high school.
00:58:13 --> 00:58:16 I was playing concerts and I was nice to everybody.
00:58:17 --> 00:58:20 So everyone had most people had, you know, a
00:58:20 --> 00:58:23 decent. relationship with me or a decent opinion
00:58:23 --> 00:58:26 of me. And so like I said, Austin's kind of a
00:58:26 --> 00:58:29 small town, big city. So I ran into people all
00:58:29 --> 00:58:31 the time that I went to school with or that I
00:58:31 --> 00:58:33 knew or that I used to work with. And they're
00:58:33 --> 00:58:35 always happy to see me. And they'd always be
00:58:35 --> 00:58:37 like, oh, what up? And, you know, we catch up.
00:58:37 --> 00:58:39 And when I started dating that girl, it was like
00:58:39 --> 00:58:43 I'd get hit later. because, oh, who is that?
00:58:43 --> 00:58:45 So I became so terrified of running into people
00:58:45 --> 00:58:48 that I knew because I needed to be happy to see
00:58:48 --> 00:58:50 me and I'd pay the price for it. I would walk
00:58:50 --> 00:58:53 around with my eyes down and my head down. I
00:58:53 --> 00:58:54 wouldn't make eye contact with anybody. I tried
00:58:54 --> 00:58:56 to be invisible because I didn't want to get
00:58:56 --> 00:59:04 hit. So it's taken years and layers of being
00:59:04 --> 00:59:07 away from that and regaining my confidence and
00:59:07 --> 00:59:09 my understanding of myself. And then finally,
00:59:09 --> 00:59:14 the last thing, was releasing guilt. Like what
00:59:14 --> 00:59:17 the fuck am I guilty for? I have nothing to be
00:59:17 --> 00:59:19 guilty for. And yet I've been holding and carrying
00:59:19 --> 00:59:24 so much. Like I was feeling guilty for success.
00:59:24 --> 00:59:27 Like every time something good happened, I got
00:59:27 --> 00:59:30 a feature on a song, you know, whatever. It would
00:59:30 --> 00:59:33 somehow sabotage it. So I was constantly in these
00:59:33 --> 00:59:36 spikes of up down, up down, up down. I'm doing
00:59:36 --> 00:59:38 it. I'm really gaining traction. I'm getting
00:59:38 --> 00:59:42 an audience. And then I like, I don't know, got
00:59:42 --> 00:59:45 hit by a car and like lost all my money and lost
00:59:45 --> 00:59:48 my job or whatever. Like, and it was because
00:59:48 --> 00:59:51 I, you know, I knew it was something within myself
00:59:51 --> 00:59:55 that I had to figure out and face. And it was
00:59:55 --> 00:59:58 like, yeah, because I was telling the universe,
00:59:58 --> 01:00:01 like, instead of being like, oh, hell yeah, thank
01:00:01 --> 01:00:04 you for giving me what I asked for. I would be
01:00:04 --> 01:00:07 like, oh my God, I'm terrified. And I have to
01:00:07 --> 01:00:11 feel bad for getting what I want. Because every
01:00:11 --> 01:00:16 time I got what I wanted, I got in trouble. So
01:00:16 --> 01:00:19 finally just, you know, and not just from her,
01:00:19 --> 01:00:22 from my stepmom, from my mom, from other friends,
01:00:22 --> 01:00:27 from social groups. And it was just like real
01:00:27 --> 01:00:31 deep, real, real deep for me. And I also watched
01:00:31 --> 01:00:35 a singer that I really respect. and how she's
01:00:35 --> 01:00:37 navigated her career and what she does for others.
01:00:37 --> 01:00:41 Jessie Reyes, she said in an interview talking
01:00:41 --> 01:00:45 about how she was like fearful of her own success
01:00:45 --> 01:00:48 and she had to overcome the fear of getting what
01:00:48 --> 01:00:52 she wanted. And that hit me so hard. Like when
01:00:52 --> 01:00:54 I first heard her say that, like I felt it through
01:00:54 --> 01:00:57 my whole body and I just started crying and it's
01:00:57 --> 01:01:01 like insane to me. It's an insane idea that I
01:01:01 --> 01:01:06 can feel or anybody can feel so guilty for getting
01:01:06 --> 01:01:10 what they want. And still I struggle with it.
01:01:10 --> 01:01:16 But I know that I released all of it that was
01:01:16 --> 01:01:20 put on me. And now I'm living very fearlessly
01:01:20 --> 01:01:25 and very openly and very actively. And I got
01:01:25 --> 01:01:28 nothing to worry about. And more people need
01:01:28 --> 01:01:33 to hear me. So I'm here to be heard. Yeah, I
01:01:33 --> 01:01:35 mean a lot of that sounds like you know you you
01:01:35 --> 01:01:39 could only say so much and I can only get just
01:01:39 --> 01:01:42 a glimpse into some of the things that that went
01:01:42 --> 01:01:47 on with your life and your story from a Baby
01:01:47 --> 01:01:50 up until now, but I mean just from hearing it
01:01:50 --> 01:01:53 like you said a lot of that is it takes time
01:01:53 --> 01:01:58 to deal with to heal from and to move forward.
01:01:58 --> 01:02:01 And you seem to be going in the right direction.
01:02:01 --> 01:02:03 And just with the burden, when I said that's
01:02:03 --> 01:02:05 a heavy burden to carry is because I'm going
01:02:05 --> 01:02:10 back to how much it seemed that your father was,
01:02:10 --> 01:02:14 how important of a human being he was for you,
01:02:14 --> 01:02:17 for one, taking you away from your mother who
01:02:17 --> 01:02:21 was, she was struggling with their own demons
01:02:21 --> 01:02:25 and she was projecting and. letting all of that
01:02:25 --> 01:02:28 frustration and whatever she was dealing with
01:02:28 --> 01:02:30 out on you, you were on the receiving side of
01:02:30 --> 01:02:33 it and taking you from that situation. But then
01:02:33 --> 01:02:37 you losing him and then for two years being told
01:02:37 --> 01:02:40 by your stepmother that this is not to be told
01:02:40 --> 01:02:42 by anybody. So this is someone that you lost
01:02:42 --> 01:02:45 who was very, very special to you. And then you're
01:02:45 --> 01:02:48 not to say a word and you're not able to grieve.
01:02:48 --> 01:02:52 You just have to carry and embody all this. That
01:02:52 --> 01:02:55 is one thing that over the years I've learned
01:02:55 --> 01:02:58 just with the body. There's a book and it's called
01:02:58 --> 01:03:02 The Body Keeps the Score. So whether or not We're
01:03:02 --> 01:03:06 told a lot of times even just as a man or as
01:03:06 --> 01:03:10 a boy, don't cry and hold your emotions and hide
01:03:10 --> 01:03:12 it and don't express yourself. So a lot of stuff
01:03:12 --> 01:03:15 that we hold on to, we turn it inwardly and the
01:03:15 --> 01:03:19 body is going to store it. It's tension. It turns
01:03:19 --> 01:03:23 into heart pain. It turns into high blood pressure,
01:03:23 --> 01:03:27 hypertension, all these different things that
01:03:27 --> 01:03:29 we can deal with physically. And for you not
01:03:29 --> 01:03:32 to be able to grieve, over your father and then
01:03:32 --> 01:03:35 losing your best friend. I mean those are things
01:03:35 --> 01:03:40 that are very prominent and that's a heavy burden
01:03:40 --> 01:03:42 to carry and it is going to take its toll on
01:03:42 --> 01:03:48 you and to heal from that, recover and to deal
01:03:48 --> 01:03:51 with that is it's not going to be an overnight
01:03:51 --> 01:03:55 success and there's not a magic pill to pop and
01:03:55 --> 01:03:57 to fix everything and put it back together again,
01:03:57 --> 01:04:02 but it seems that throughout the years and in
01:04:02 --> 01:04:05 your own doings, you've been turning inwards
01:04:05 --> 01:04:08 and looking at some of the dynamics, the inner
01:04:08 --> 01:04:11 dynamics in your life and the complexes and the
01:04:11 --> 01:04:15 responses and the way that you react and just
01:04:15 --> 01:04:18 to come to terms with it or to deal with it and
01:04:18 --> 01:04:21 face it and not run from it. And with the guilt
01:04:21 --> 01:04:24 that coming up just within the last couple of
01:04:24 --> 01:04:28 months and you now finding that that probably
01:04:29 --> 01:04:32 Not even probably, but 100 % the that block is
01:04:32 --> 01:04:37 that that was it was keeping the complete flow
01:04:37 --> 01:04:40 of energy to run through you fluidly and fluently.
01:04:40 --> 01:04:43 And that blockage has been removed. And so now
01:04:43 --> 01:04:47 little by little, that can start to just flow
01:04:47 --> 01:04:50 in and just feel your body again. And then you
01:04:50 --> 01:04:53 can release that through creativity because it
01:04:53 --> 01:04:55 sounds like that. That's. That's your bread and
01:04:55 --> 01:04:57 butter right there to express yourself through
01:04:57 --> 01:05:00 all these different avenues and these mediums.
01:05:00 --> 01:05:04 And yeah, that's powerful that it came to the
01:05:04 --> 01:05:06 surface. And then now this is something that
01:05:06 --> 01:05:09 you're dealing with. It's the new battle in a
01:05:09 --> 01:05:13 way, right? Right. And it's exciting. It's the
01:05:13 --> 01:05:17 first time I've had to face the new life. I feel
01:05:17 --> 01:05:19 like I know what true and total freedom feels
01:05:19 --> 01:05:22 like for the first time, because I'm free of
01:05:22 --> 01:05:24 everything. thing that once held me back, not
01:05:24 --> 01:05:28 just some of the things. Now it's time to fly.
01:05:28 --> 01:05:32 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You know, also, there's
01:05:32 --> 01:05:35 been previous times in my life where I thought
01:05:35 --> 01:05:38 I'm like, oh, man, I'm here. This is the moment
01:05:38 --> 01:05:41 about to take off. And I realized, like, just
01:05:41 --> 01:05:43 some made up concept in my head, like everything
01:05:43 --> 01:05:46 is emotion. Everything happens when I'm ready
01:05:46 --> 01:05:49 for it. And as long as I just focus on being
01:05:50 --> 01:05:54 able to handle the best blessings that I can
01:05:54 --> 01:05:58 perceive, then they'll come to me. So today's,
01:05:58 --> 01:06:00 oh, today's Valentine's Day. Happy Love Day.
01:06:01 --> 01:06:04 It is, it is, yeah. So I brought up recording
01:06:04 --> 01:06:08 all that music in 2020. or 2022 under my legal
01:06:08 --> 01:06:10 name, because basically I went back and listened
01:06:10 --> 01:06:13 to some of them and I picked out highlights and
01:06:13 --> 01:06:15 I remastered some of those songs. And I found
01:06:15 --> 01:06:18 it pretty interesting because I wrote these songs
01:06:18 --> 01:06:21 very much with these days in mind, even though
01:06:21 --> 01:06:24 I wrote them, what, four or five years ago. It
01:06:24 --> 01:06:30 was very much with 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028 in
01:06:30 --> 01:06:34 mind. because in 2021, 2020, I had a wave wash
01:06:34 --> 01:06:38 over me where I felt like 2025 was of vital importance
01:06:38 --> 01:06:42 to the world and to humanity and to life and
01:06:42 --> 01:06:46 to my own life specifically as well. Then I found
01:06:46 --> 01:06:48 out, oh, that's the year I turned 30. So I asked
01:06:48 --> 01:06:51 the universe, like I want to be in a position
01:06:51 --> 01:06:53 where I know my career path. I know what I'm
01:06:53 --> 01:06:57 doing with myself in my life. I'm stable and
01:06:57 --> 01:07:00 going in the direction that my life is meant
01:07:00 --> 01:07:05 for by the time I'm 30, by 2025. And in a way,
01:07:05 --> 01:07:07 I realized now I was asking the universe, all
01:07:07 --> 01:07:10 right, put me through it, what you got. And it
01:07:10 --> 01:07:13 definitely did. And I lost everything and was
01:07:13 --> 01:07:17 stripped of everything, most intensely my psychological
01:07:17 --> 01:07:23 and emotional health. And now here we are. And
01:07:23 --> 01:07:25 everything makes so much sense to me. And so
01:07:25 --> 01:07:27 anyway, I feel like these songs that I wrote
01:07:27 --> 01:07:31 back in that time, I think the audience and people
01:07:31 --> 01:07:33 might be a little bit more receptive to them
01:07:33 --> 01:07:37 today. And I know that there's two things going
01:07:37 --> 01:07:40 on right now in the world. There's people like
01:07:40 --> 01:07:44 me who are really rising up and thriving and
01:07:44 --> 01:07:51 being in a blessed world from the darkness that
01:07:51 --> 01:07:54 we maybe were born into. And then there's The
01:07:54 --> 01:07:57 other flip side of the experience of people,
01:07:57 --> 01:08:00 you know, getting really sucked into the doom
01:08:00 --> 01:08:06 and gloom of the news and the media and their
01:08:06 --> 01:08:09 lives are getting progressively worse and they're
01:08:09 --> 01:08:13 just kind of getting stuck in that. And I just
01:08:13 --> 01:08:16 know that there's a lot of people out there who
01:08:16 --> 01:08:20 have this and built up rage to the atrocities
01:08:20 --> 01:08:23 happening that have been happening in our planet
01:08:23 --> 01:08:28 and in our world. to the racism and division
01:08:28 --> 01:08:33 and wars and bombings and trafficking and assaults.
01:08:33 --> 01:08:36 And I think it's just a little bit more maybe
01:08:36 --> 01:08:39 prominent collectively right now because it's
01:08:39 --> 01:08:42 finally being pushed to them through the mainstream
01:08:42 --> 01:08:46 media for the first time. And so that's creating
01:08:46 --> 01:08:50 this sense of frustration and rage within people
01:08:50 --> 01:08:52 towards the horrors of the world, which is under,
01:08:52 --> 01:08:54 I say all that because it's understandable. And
01:08:54 --> 01:08:57 my point is I felt like I was at the peak of
01:08:57 --> 01:09:02 my rage and my frustration and my angsty energy
01:09:02 --> 01:09:08 towards it all in 2020, 2021. And so this music
01:09:08 --> 01:09:12 kind of reflects that. And I think it makes sense
01:09:12 --> 01:09:15 for it to exist and for it to be put out. And,
01:09:15 --> 01:09:18 you know, I'll let it be what it is, but I appreciate
01:09:18 --> 01:09:20 you saying what you said about my music and my
01:09:20 --> 01:09:23 lyrics and what I wrote, because when I started
01:09:23 --> 01:09:26 acting, I kind of took on the mindset. And one
01:09:26 --> 01:09:28 of the things that drew me to acting is like
01:09:28 --> 01:09:31 in the music industry and mainstream and stuff
01:09:31 --> 01:09:34 to get big or whatever, like a lot of what you're
01:09:34 --> 01:09:37 told to do is to basically put yourself in a
01:09:37 --> 01:09:41 box, become a character, pick two or three things
01:09:41 --> 01:09:43 that so they can market you to be known for.
01:09:43 --> 01:09:46 Yes. Yeah. For marketing purposes. But really,
01:09:46 --> 01:09:50 you're Trying to appeal to the masses is is limiting
01:09:50 --> 01:09:54 yourself. I'd rather be true. And so I got frustrated
01:09:54 --> 01:09:57 with I felt uncomfortable, really, with marketing
01:09:57 --> 01:10:00 myself as a musician, because every musician
01:10:00 --> 01:10:03 and other people I was around were marketing
01:10:03 --> 01:10:06 the character that they were as a musician. And
01:10:06 --> 01:10:09 I was like, this is I'm just this guy like I'm
01:10:09 --> 01:10:11 writing about what I went through. I don't care
01:10:11 --> 01:10:15 about the rest. That is almost took in the place.
01:10:15 --> 01:10:19 That takes the first slot. And then after that
01:10:19 --> 01:10:21 comes, OK, what's what's the talent like? What's
01:10:21 --> 01:10:23 the what's the message? What's the content? But
01:10:23 --> 01:10:28 before all that, it's the look is the all the
01:10:28 --> 01:10:30 is this going to appeal to a younger audience
01:10:30 --> 01:10:33 or what's the demographics? Is this what demographic
01:10:33 --> 01:10:36 is going to gravitate to them? And you want to
01:10:36 --> 01:10:38 make yourself look this way or that way because
01:10:38 --> 01:10:41 it's going to open you up to a larger audience.
01:10:41 --> 01:10:44 And it's definitely pulling. that individual
01:10:44 --> 01:10:47 away from who the hell they are. They're just
01:10:47 --> 01:10:49 now just trying to appeal to the masses. And
01:10:49 --> 01:10:52 it doesn't matter how how much of themselves
01:10:52 --> 01:10:54 they got to sell. They're getting pimped out
01:10:54 --> 01:10:57 by the algorithms now, too, because you're doing
01:10:57 --> 01:10:59 things just to appease the algorithms to get
01:10:59 --> 01:11:01 pushed in the top slot. Right. And so I would
01:11:01 --> 01:11:04 look at like, you know, my the even musicians
01:11:04 --> 01:11:06 I like are the biggest musicians out there and
01:11:06 --> 01:11:08 they'd have to go do a press tour or give an
01:11:08 --> 01:11:11 interview on Jimmy Fallon or something. And it's
01:11:11 --> 01:11:14 like they have to be the character that their
01:11:14 --> 01:11:17 music fits and that they're of the audience that
01:11:17 --> 01:11:20 they've cultivated because a lot of money is
01:11:20 --> 01:11:24 involved in that to keep that up. A lot of people's
01:11:24 --> 01:11:28 pockets are invested in that and you're contractually
01:11:28 --> 01:11:31 obligated to fulfill that. Whereas I would look
01:11:31 --> 01:11:35 at actors and they would be doing a press tour
01:11:35 --> 01:11:38 for their art. And they're talking about, yeah,
01:11:38 --> 01:11:40 this character, you know, really has a lot of
01:11:40 --> 01:11:43 this and him and that. And, you know, I really
01:11:43 --> 01:11:46 brought forth this because I decided to do this
01:11:46 --> 01:11:49 with him because of this and his backstory. And
01:11:49 --> 01:11:52 this is how I prepared. But they're saying all
01:11:52 --> 01:11:55 this as just the dude that they are. They're
01:11:55 --> 01:11:57 an actor. They're not the character. And there's
01:11:57 --> 01:12:01 a clear understanding from the audience of the
01:12:01 --> 01:12:02 distinction and separation between them. And
01:12:02 --> 01:12:07 so I like that. It's more understood and clear
01:12:07 --> 01:12:11 cut that like, yo, that was a character. And
01:12:11 --> 01:12:15 now I'm talking. And because I felt like, I guess,
01:12:15 --> 01:12:19 you know, in my music and in my music videos
01:12:19 --> 01:12:22 and some of my art and stuff, I say things that
01:12:22 --> 01:12:25 I don't literally mean, but some people take
01:12:25 --> 01:12:29 things super literally. Like, I'm very playful.
01:12:29 --> 01:12:32 So I just felt like I could be more authentic.
01:12:32 --> 01:12:34 And so I realized, OK, like music is what I do
01:12:34 --> 01:12:38 for myself. It's therapeutic for me. And I've
01:12:38 --> 01:12:40 been in a place in my life where I quit music.
01:12:40 --> 01:12:43 And that's crazy. And I'll never quit music again.
01:12:43 --> 01:12:46 I don't care if anybody listens to me. I don't
01:12:46 --> 01:12:49 care if I get a single play. And I kind of stop
01:12:49 --> 01:12:53 marketing it that much altogether. And the moment
01:12:53 --> 01:12:55 I did that and I was like, acting is what I can
01:12:55 --> 01:12:59 do for the public beyond myself. I can be of
01:12:59 --> 01:13:01 service by. Being able to read this character,
01:13:01 --> 01:13:04 I haven't read a character synopsis that I don't
01:13:04 --> 01:13:06 think, man, I know exactly what that guy's feeling
01:13:06 --> 01:13:08 and going through. And that brings me to tears,
01:13:09 --> 01:13:11 whether it's good or bad, whether he's a horrible
01:13:11 --> 01:13:15 person or a lovely person. I'm like, it sends
01:13:15 --> 01:13:19 me back to my own life. And I'm like, damn. And
01:13:19 --> 01:13:21 then I bring that through. And the moment that
01:13:21 --> 01:13:23 I started doing that and then that clicked for
01:13:23 --> 01:13:26 me and that I was comfortable with that, my music
01:13:26 --> 01:13:29 got a lot more attention and my music got a lot
01:13:29 --> 01:13:32 better. and people liked it more and you know
01:13:32 --> 01:13:34 I still don't really like I share it obviously
01:13:34 --> 01:13:39 I post it people can hear it and you know the
01:13:39 --> 01:13:43 last probably like few months or so that's that's
01:13:43 --> 01:13:45 been primarily what I have to share is music
01:13:45 --> 01:13:48 I've been making music yeah and ultimately I
01:13:48 --> 01:13:50 kind of knew okay there's probably going to be
01:13:50 --> 01:13:52 a point where people might realize I'm pretty
01:13:52 --> 01:13:58 good at music too and I'll be able to to be to
01:13:58 --> 01:14:02 do both or have an audience in both mediums because
01:14:02 --> 01:14:04 I've had some people kind of say like, man, this
01:14:04 --> 01:14:08 is surprisingly good. I'm like, well, this is
01:14:08 --> 01:14:11 what I do. I do this. I've been doing this. I've
01:14:11 --> 01:14:14 been doing music since I was a kid. I just haven't
01:14:14 --> 01:14:17 had a great chance or opportunity to showcase
01:14:17 --> 01:14:21 it to people. And now I don't really focus on
01:14:21 --> 01:14:24 show, like making sure that you know it. But
01:14:24 --> 01:14:26 in a way, I think it works out better for me
01:14:26 --> 01:14:29 because people know now that I'm a good actor
01:14:29 --> 01:14:32 and I can be a part of their productions or whatever,
01:14:32 --> 01:14:35 and they can see me on film. But then all of
01:14:35 --> 01:14:37 a sudden, they're like, wait, this is a song?
01:14:37 --> 01:14:40 Like, oh, I didn't know you did music. Oh, damn,
01:14:40 --> 01:14:43 this is really good. I'm like, yeah, I do it
01:14:43 --> 01:14:46 all. That was something that I was able to tell.
01:14:46 --> 01:14:50 As much as I like a dope beat, I'm really one
01:14:50 --> 01:14:53 for lyrics, for the delivery, for the cadence,
01:14:53 --> 01:14:57 how everything is pocketed into. just the overall
01:14:57 --> 01:15:01 way somebody can express themselves. They can
01:15:01 --> 01:15:07 poetically flow on a beat and it have content
01:15:07 --> 01:15:10 and it have some substance and it have some it
01:15:10 --> 01:15:13 has something that's real and genuine. And that
01:15:13 --> 01:15:16 is exactly what I got from that song. And I was
01:15:16 --> 01:15:19 like. Damn, this is, you know, I could tell that
01:15:19 --> 01:15:22 you you this is something that you just woke
01:15:22 --> 01:15:24 up and started doing last night because you're
01:15:24 --> 01:15:27 talking about the whole marketing and how people
01:15:27 --> 01:15:29 have to do certain things to get to a certain
01:15:29 --> 01:15:32 place. I mean, I'm just going to say that there's
01:15:32 --> 01:15:35 a lot of. Artists right now that seem to be getting
01:15:35 --> 01:15:38 we're talking mainstream I know there's a lot
01:15:38 --> 01:15:40 of underground artists that have talent and a
01:15:40 --> 01:15:42 lot of people are going to hear about them unless
01:15:42 --> 01:15:45 they do their own digging and research but some
01:15:45 --> 01:15:47 of the ones that get in the spotlight in the
01:15:47 --> 01:15:52 shine and they have the most dumbed down things
01:15:52 --> 01:15:56 to say and it's repetitive and it's really more
01:15:56 --> 01:15:59 destructive and it's negative I mean, I was at
01:15:59 --> 01:16:01 a time in a place where that was something that
01:16:01 --> 01:16:04 that's all I was looking for. But now a bit older,
01:16:05 --> 01:16:08 you hear about these artists if you even want
01:16:08 --> 01:16:10 to call them that. I mean, they're they're like
01:16:10 --> 01:16:13 cookie cutters and they look like I would call
01:16:13 --> 01:16:15 some of them even industry plants. And they're
01:16:15 --> 01:16:18 used just to lead people in a certain direction.
01:16:18 --> 01:16:21 But you hear about these. Where did they come
01:16:21 --> 01:16:23 from? Yeah, you could say they have more in common
01:16:23 --> 01:16:27 with politicians than they do musicians. Yeah,
01:16:27 --> 01:16:29 and and you're just like where did they come
01:16:29 --> 01:16:32 from? How did they all of a sudden have a following?
01:16:32 --> 01:16:35 Like is this is this genuine? Is this authentic
01:16:35 --> 01:16:40 or is this? Manufactured I started to catch on
01:16:40 --> 01:16:43 to a lot of these artists and I'm listening to
01:16:43 --> 01:16:45 interview Just got a curiosity like where did
01:16:45 --> 01:16:47 they come from? How did they get this fan base?
01:16:47 --> 01:16:50 Is this real was this is this manufactured and
01:16:50 --> 01:16:53 then? The majority of them are saying, oh, yeah,
01:16:53 --> 01:16:55 I just started rapping last year. I just started
01:16:55 --> 01:16:59 taking it serious last year. Huh? That makes
01:16:59 --> 01:17:04 sense. If you want to go down a conspiratorial
01:17:04 --> 01:17:06 rabbit hole. But I mean, these they just pop
01:17:06 --> 01:17:09 out of nowhere. They have a huge fan base and
01:17:09 --> 01:17:11 they're talking about nothing but death, destruction
01:17:11 --> 01:17:14 and negativity. And these are the ones that are
01:17:14 --> 01:17:16 getting pushed. And it's almost like they're
01:17:16 --> 01:17:19 force feeding it to the public where you have
01:17:19 --> 01:17:22 someone like yourself or artists that have true.
01:17:22 --> 01:17:24 You have talent. I mean, you you're good at what
01:17:24 --> 01:17:27 you do in just a couple of tracks. I could say
01:17:27 --> 01:17:30 like you have a polished craft and it's something
01:17:30 --> 01:17:34 that I know I'm not the only one that. When they
01:17:34 --> 01:17:36 hear it, they can say, damn, this is some good
01:17:36 --> 01:17:39 music. This is some good quality music. It's
01:17:39 --> 01:17:42 not fast food. This is something that is palatable.
01:17:42 --> 01:17:46 I said all that just to say that when listening
01:17:46 --> 01:17:48 to you, I was able to tell like, yeah, it sounds
01:17:48 --> 01:17:50 like he's been doing it for a while. This isn't
01:17:50 --> 01:17:52 something that he didn't just wake up yesterday
01:17:52 --> 01:17:55 and say, I feel like I'm going to make a song
01:17:55 --> 01:18:00 today. Yeah, no, I mean, I appreciate it. So
01:18:00 --> 01:18:03 last weekend on the 7th I released a song called
01:18:03 --> 01:18:35 Wiser Than Older. It's on all platforms on Spotify,
01:18:35 --> 01:18:38 Apple Music, all that under my name Beme. And
01:18:38 --> 01:18:43 I wrote it in April, March, April, 2020. And
01:18:43 --> 01:18:46 at the peak of the pandemic, the shutdown. And
01:18:46 --> 01:18:48 it's kind of like a lighthearted commentary on
01:18:48 --> 01:18:53 the pandemic that traumatized us all. So it's
01:18:53 --> 01:18:55 actually kind of like to me more interesting
01:18:55 --> 01:18:57 to listen to it now than it was then, because
01:18:57 --> 01:19:01 like we're so much more removed from it. and
01:19:01 --> 01:19:04 in that reflection aspect of it. I think a lot
01:19:04 --> 01:19:08 of people have different opinions of that time
01:19:08 --> 01:19:11 than they did when they were going through it.
01:19:11 --> 01:19:15 Certainly. And then today I dropped two more
01:19:15 --> 01:19:18 singles. One is called Bad. I also wrote it in
01:19:18 --> 01:19:23 like either 2019 or 2020. And I think, you know,
01:19:23 --> 01:19:27 like the words can be weaponized and stuff and
01:19:27 --> 01:19:29 twisted and like. I remember there's a scene
01:19:29 --> 01:19:33 in the movie Glory Road, which is about the Texas
01:19:33 --> 01:19:36 Western basketball team. The coach Don Haskins
01:19:36 --> 01:19:39 was the first coach to to start all five black
01:19:39 --> 01:19:42 players for the for the for the game national
01:19:42 --> 01:19:45 championship. Anyway, there's a scene in there
01:19:45 --> 01:19:49 where it's like the black players talking to
01:19:49 --> 01:19:51 the white players, like the black player calls
01:19:51 --> 01:19:56 him bad. And he's like, no, he's like, but so
01:19:56 --> 01:20:00 bad is good. And the black players like, yeah,
01:20:00 --> 01:20:03 bad is good, man. And I kind of like took inspiration
01:20:03 --> 01:20:05 of that and wrote a song called Bad. And it's
01:20:05 --> 01:20:10 like, you know, my intention with it is like
01:20:10 --> 01:20:13 everyone, whether you're homeless, whether you're
01:20:13 --> 01:20:16 broke and struggling, whether you're living in
01:20:16 --> 01:20:20 a penthouse in New York, whether you're. single,
01:20:20 --> 01:20:22 whether you're taken, whether you're married
01:20:22 --> 01:20:25 with children, whatever, like whatever walk of
01:20:25 --> 01:20:27 life you are, whether you're a bird, a pigeon,
01:20:28 --> 01:20:31 you know, like whatever, like you're bad, you're
01:20:31 --> 01:20:37 bad, you know, and bad is good. And yeah, I mean,
01:20:37 --> 01:20:39 I'm all for like, I want people to feel good
01:20:39 --> 01:20:41 about themselves. So that was kind of it. And
01:20:41 --> 01:20:44 then on the flip side of that, I released another
01:20:44 --> 01:20:48 single today called IDKU. And it's kind of the
01:20:48 --> 01:20:51 antithesis to that. It's like a very much like
01:20:51 --> 01:20:55 FU song in a way. It's, you know, don't act like
01:20:55 --> 01:20:57 you've been supporting me this whole time when,
01:20:57 --> 01:21:01 you know, so don't act surprised when if you
01:21:01 --> 01:21:04 come around now, I act like I have no idea who
01:21:04 --> 01:21:06 you are is basically the gist of that. I think
01:21:06 --> 01:21:10 a lot of people relate to that or similar emotions
01:21:10 --> 01:21:14 to that. So I thought they were also my my ex's
01:21:14 --> 01:21:18 least favorite songs that I ever did. So I thought
01:21:18 --> 01:21:20 what a better day to release them than today
01:21:20 --> 01:21:28 and Yeah, and then on the 22nd which is Sunday
01:21:28 --> 01:21:33 a week from tomorrow I'm releasing a seven song
01:21:33 --> 01:21:38 EP Full of tracks from that time in my life Yeah,
01:21:38 --> 01:21:40 they're pretty deep. Okay, so you're on a releasing
01:21:40 --> 01:21:43 spree then within this last month Yeah, that's
01:21:43 --> 01:21:47 correct. So the EP comes out on the 22nd. A remix
01:21:47 --> 01:21:50 of one of the songs on the EP will come out the
01:21:50 --> 01:21:53 next week on the 28th. And then regarding film
01:21:53 --> 01:21:57 and stuff, a music video that I starred in and
01:21:57 --> 01:22:00 edited for a band here in Austin is premiering
01:22:00 --> 01:22:02 on Saturday, March 14th. We're having like a
01:22:02 --> 01:22:05 live premiere and a Q &A. But then I would think
01:22:05 --> 01:22:08 that the video will come out sometime after that
01:22:08 --> 01:22:11 on YouTube or something. So I'll be sharing that.
01:22:12 --> 01:22:15 Yeah, and then and then I also just got cast
01:22:15 --> 01:22:20 in an upcoming TV series that I'm Not gonna speak
01:22:20 --> 01:22:23 on fully yet. I'm gonna let them roll it out
01:22:23 --> 01:22:25 But it's gonna be pretty cool and really special
01:22:25 --> 01:22:28 and also kind of related to music. So I hope
01:22:28 --> 01:22:32 that we're able to continue to inspire a bunch
01:22:32 --> 01:22:35 of young girls to pick up instruments and play
01:22:35 --> 01:22:38 music too through this show. So yeah. Wow. Okay.
01:22:38 --> 01:22:41 You got a lot going on. That's real good to hear.
01:22:42 --> 01:22:44 And everything, I'll link it in the show notes.
01:22:44 --> 01:22:47 So I know you have a few links in your email
01:22:47 --> 01:22:49 contact, but whatever you want me to include
01:22:49 --> 01:22:51 in the show notes when I publish the episode,
01:22:51 --> 01:22:54 so anybody listening and they want to... They
01:22:54 --> 01:22:55 want to listen to your music or they want to
01:22:55 --> 01:22:58 check out the roles that you're involved with
01:22:58 --> 01:23:01 or any and everything that you're doing to have
01:23:01 --> 01:23:03 access to it. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that.
01:23:04 --> 01:23:06 It's it's if people can remember how to spell
01:23:06 --> 01:23:08 my name, then it's really easy to find me, I
01:23:08 --> 01:23:12 think, on most things. But my website is Beame
01:23:12 --> 01:23:18 .Earth. So B -E -A -M -I. My name is like I tell
01:23:18 --> 01:23:20 people like a light beam or like a laser beam
01:23:20 --> 01:23:23 with an I at the end. Beame. Some people add
01:23:23 --> 01:23:27 a e it's not it's cute, but and you're free to
01:23:27 --> 01:23:30 but you're not gonna find me if you add a e Be
01:23:30 --> 01:23:34 me but my website is be me dot Earth instead
01:23:34 --> 01:23:37 of comm so like the planet we live on my name
01:23:37 --> 01:23:40 dot Earth And you can find everything right there
01:23:40 --> 01:23:44 on my front page link to my Spotify my Apple
01:23:44 --> 01:23:47 music my Instagram and then all my socials I
01:23:47 --> 01:23:50 have an Instagram and my YouTube channel is at
01:23:50 --> 01:23:54 be me not you So my name, B -E -A -M -I, not
01:23:54 --> 01:23:56 you, N -O -T -Y -O -U. And then yeah, I'm sure
01:23:56 --> 01:24:00 you'll link everything, too. Yeah, yeah, no doubt,
01:24:00 --> 01:24:03 man. I really, really appreciate it. Your time
01:24:03 --> 01:24:06 took up took up a lot of your time today. I know
01:24:06 --> 01:24:08 you said you have some things going on a little
01:24:08 --> 01:24:10 bit later. You want to run some errands and take
01:24:10 --> 01:24:13 care of all that. But I do appreciate you setting
01:24:13 --> 01:24:16 some time aside and breaking down some of your
01:24:16 --> 01:24:19 your story and your struggles, your challenges,
01:24:20 --> 01:24:22 the pain, the suffering, but then also the lessons
01:24:22 --> 01:24:25 that you learned. The cold and hungry nights
01:24:25 --> 01:24:29 to the warmer, warmer. bathing in the sunlight
01:24:29 --> 01:24:33 and still appreciating life. You still have promise
01:24:33 --> 01:24:35 and looking forward to what the future holds.
01:24:36 --> 01:24:37 And I think it was offline that you mentioned
01:24:37 --> 01:24:42 that I'm someone who embraces and enjoys the
01:24:42 --> 01:24:45 unknown and the unfamiliar. That's the complete
01:24:45 --> 01:24:48 opposite of what I would say myself, I'll include
01:24:48 --> 01:24:51 myself in a bunch of a lot of people that we
01:24:51 --> 01:24:54 can be afraid of the unknown. We're afraid of
01:24:54 --> 01:24:57 the darkness of not being able to see what's
01:24:57 --> 01:25:00 to come. And so that was also good to hear because
01:25:00 --> 01:25:02 it kind of put some things back in line for me.
01:25:03 --> 01:25:07 And yeah, it was just overall just just real
01:25:07 --> 01:25:11 refreshing and real inspiring. Just me listening
01:25:11 --> 01:25:14 to what you've been through, where you're at
01:25:14 --> 01:25:17 today, what has made you. what has almost broken
01:25:17 --> 01:25:19 you, what probably did break you, but how you're
01:25:19 --> 01:25:21 putting the pieces back together the way you
01:25:21 --> 01:25:24 want to and creating the life that you deserve.
01:25:24 --> 01:25:27 And, you know, you're capable of having a building.
01:25:27 --> 01:25:30 So appreciate your honesty, your openness, your
01:25:30 --> 01:25:33 vulnerability. And if you have anything, anything
01:25:33 --> 01:25:36 you want to leave off with, Beme, go right ahead.
01:25:36 --> 01:25:38 Feel free, my friend. I mean, thank you. Thank
01:25:38 --> 01:25:41 you for having me. Thank you for doing the show.
01:25:41 --> 01:25:44 Yeah, you brought up me bringing up the unknown.
01:25:44 --> 01:25:47 Appreciate you bringing that back up. Like, like
01:25:47 --> 01:25:49 I've always said, like change was my first friend.
01:25:49 --> 01:25:52 If change didn't exist, then I would have been
01:25:52 --> 01:25:55 born into very dark and chaotic world that I
01:25:55 --> 01:26:00 would not have survived in. So the unknown is
01:26:00 --> 01:26:05 infinite and abundant and formless. Therefore,
01:26:05 --> 01:26:09 it has unlimited potential and it can be anything.
01:26:09 --> 01:26:12 And which means it can be a fucking amazing.
01:26:12 --> 01:26:15 It can be incredible. It can be so incredible
01:26:15 --> 01:26:17 that you don't even like can't even actually
01:26:17 --> 01:26:20 like even make up something that is as incredible
01:26:20 --> 01:26:23 as what it is because it's unknown. You don't
01:26:23 --> 01:26:27 know it. And there were times and spaces and
01:26:27 --> 01:26:32 places in my life where the known was very clear.
01:26:32 --> 01:26:38 The known was violence and anger and hate and
01:26:38 --> 01:26:45 suicide and death. and fear, but the unknown
01:26:45 --> 01:26:49 exists. It's out there. So some days that was
01:26:49 --> 01:26:54 all I had. That was all I could believe in. But
01:26:54 --> 01:26:58 at least that exists. It exists for anyone out
01:26:58 --> 01:27:01 there. Some people want change, but they also
01:27:01 --> 01:27:04 have some good things. So it's difficult for
01:27:04 --> 01:27:08 them to be comfortable with making changes that
01:27:08 --> 01:27:10 might change the things that they like and are
01:27:10 --> 01:27:12 comfortable with in order to change the things
01:27:12 --> 01:27:15 that they don't like. Whereas I feel, like I
01:27:15 --> 01:27:17 said, really blessed because it was very clear
01:27:17 --> 01:27:22 to me there wasn't a lot that I wanted to stay
01:27:22 --> 01:27:29 the same. It was very clear that it sucked. So
01:27:29 --> 01:27:34 the unknown is an ally for sure. That's right.
01:27:34 --> 01:27:37 Yeah, it's untapped potential decide for the
01:27:37 --> 01:27:39 unknown what the unknown can do for you It's
01:27:39 --> 01:27:41 a beautiful take and that's a that's a great
01:27:41 --> 01:27:45 way to to top this off with again be me Appreciate
01:27:45 --> 01:27:48 you. I'm gonna link everything in the show notes
01:27:48 --> 01:27:51 and all the best to you and what you're doing
01:27:51 --> 01:27:54 Just keep striving for higher my brother. Thank
01:27:54 --> 01:27:56 you. Thank you. Thank you for having me Thank
01:27:56 --> 01:27:57 you to everyone out there listening. I'm sure
01:27:57 --> 01:28:01 we'll see more of each other along the way. I
01:28:01 --> 01:28:04 Hope you all enjoyed today's conversation with
01:28:04 --> 01:28:08 Beme if there's anything that you'd like to add
01:28:08 --> 01:28:12 to the conversation feel free to reach out to
01:28:12 --> 01:28:16 us on any of the platforms leave your thoughts
01:28:16 --> 01:28:20 share your own experiences you know this is a
01:28:20 --> 01:28:24 two -way street each one teach one and to find
01:28:24 --> 01:28:30 more about Beme to log on and lock on to what
01:28:30 --> 01:28:33 he's doing if you'd like to work with him, if
01:28:33 --> 01:28:35 you'd like to collaborate with him, or if you'd
01:28:35 --> 01:28:39 just like to say some warm words to him and thank
01:28:39 --> 01:28:42 him for sharing a bit of his story and his journey.
01:28:43 --> 01:28:50 You can find him at beame .earth, beame .earth.
01:28:50 --> 01:28:54 He's a writer, he's an actor, he's a musician,
01:28:55 --> 01:29:00 and most of all, he's a unique human being. exploring
01:29:00 --> 01:29:05 and enjoying this unique human experience a couple
01:29:05 --> 01:29:08 of things a few things actually stuck out to
01:29:08 --> 01:29:12 me while I was speaking with Beme and just listening
01:29:12 --> 01:29:17 to him you know unpacking unravel some of the
01:29:17 --> 01:29:21 dark times some of the ups the downs the falls
01:29:21 --> 01:29:25 and the hiccups was him coming to terms with
01:29:25 --> 01:29:28 realizing his own self -worth his own potential
01:29:28 --> 01:29:32 the power of perspective and embracing the unknown,
01:29:32 --> 01:29:37 which almost seems to have God timing because
01:29:37 --> 01:29:41 I've been reading a bit of Eckhart Tolle and
01:29:41 --> 01:29:46 he had a quote that fits into that line of thought.
01:29:46 --> 01:29:51 It rides that wavelength. He says, when you become
01:29:51 --> 01:29:56 comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities
01:29:56 --> 01:29:59 open up in your life. And that's what Bimi was
01:29:59 --> 01:30:02 alluding to at the very end of our talk. Bimi
01:30:02 --> 01:30:06 was abused. He was neglected. He was manipulated.
01:30:07 --> 01:30:12 He was trodden on. You know, abused by his biological
01:30:12 --> 01:30:17 mother, his stepmother, and the first true long
01:30:17 --> 01:30:21 committed relationship. He lost his best friend,
01:30:22 --> 01:30:26 his father, his hero, his everything, and...
01:30:26 --> 01:30:31 he felt that dark night of the soul to have to
01:30:31 --> 01:30:34 not have to enjoy some stability and then to
01:30:34 --> 01:30:37 lose it again the ups and downs that you heard
01:30:37 --> 01:30:40 him talk about and share and despite that when
01:30:40 --> 01:30:44 we had our our little correspondences offline
01:30:44 --> 01:30:48 one thing that stuck out to me and I'd like to
01:30:48 --> 01:30:51 share hopefully he doesn't mind is him saying
01:30:51 --> 01:30:55 that he is the luckiest person in the universe
01:30:55 --> 01:30:59 and that again goes back to the power of perspective
01:30:59 --> 01:31:05 he refused to although we had many reasons to
01:31:05 --> 01:31:08 use it as a crutch to play the victim to be the
01:31:08 --> 01:31:11 victim to always use this that and the other
01:31:11 --> 01:31:14 for an excuse as to why he doesn't have why he
01:31:14 --> 01:31:18 can't be why he can't succeed but he says believes
01:31:18 --> 01:31:23 and knows that he is the luckiest person in the
01:31:23 --> 01:31:27 universe. Rock on, Beemy. Keep doing you. I look
01:31:27 --> 01:31:31 forward to hearing more of your music. We appreciate
01:31:31 --> 01:31:35 your words and you sharing some of your story.
01:31:35 --> 01:31:39 Keep shining that good light and being the salt
01:31:39 --> 01:31:43 to the earth. Beemy .earth is where you can find
01:31:43 --> 01:31:49 them. My brother, you are a giant amongst us.
01:31:49 --> 01:31:52 Let me take a few minutes to thank everybody,
01:31:52 --> 01:31:55 far and wide, however you're listening to the
01:31:55 --> 01:31:58 show, wherever you're listening from, we appreciate
01:31:58 --> 01:32:01 you each and every time checking in with us.
01:32:02 --> 01:32:06 If you'd like to share a story or an experience
01:32:06 --> 01:32:08 or a thought of your own, you know where to find
01:32:08 --> 01:32:13 us, giantsamongstus .org. I wish you all peace,
01:32:14 --> 01:32:19 strength, wisdom, love and blessings. as you
01:32:19 --> 01:32:23 walk your own path. Let me share something that
01:32:23 --> 01:32:27 has its place today. It comes from Abraham Maslow
01:32:27 --> 01:32:31 in his book, Toward a Psychology of Being. He
01:32:31 --> 01:32:35 writes, the question of desirable grief and pain
01:32:35 --> 01:32:40 or the necessity for it must also be faced. Is
01:32:40 --> 01:32:44 growth and self -fulfillment possible at all
01:32:44 --> 01:32:48 without pain and grief and sorrow and turmoil
01:32:48 --> 01:32:52 if these are to some extent necessary and unavoidable
01:32:52 --> 01:32:57 then to what extent? if grief and pain are sometimes
01:32:57 --> 01:33:00 necessary for growth of the person then we must
01:33:00 --> 01:33:03 learn not to protect people from them automatically
01:33:03 --> 01:33:07 as if they were always bad sometimes They may
01:33:07 --> 01:33:11 be good and desirable in view of the ultimate
01:33:11 --> 01:33:15 good consequences. Not allowing people to go
01:33:15 --> 01:33:19 through their pain and protecting them from it
01:33:19 --> 01:33:22 may turn out to be a kind of overprotection,
01:33:22 --> 01:33:26 which in turn implies a certain lack of respect
01:33:26 --> 01:33:30 for the integrity and the intrinsic nature and
01:33:30 --> 01:33:34 the future development of the individual. You
01:33:34 --> 01:33:38 all be safe out there. you all be sane be the
01:33:38 --> 01:33:43 change you wish to see and as a reminder if anybody
01:33:43 --> 01:33:46 would like to be a part of the show and share
01:33:46 --> 01:33:49 their story or maybe a story of someone in your
01:33:49 --> 01:33:52 life that has impacted you in a positive way
01:33:52 --> 01:33:56 you can always reach out to us via email we'd
01:33:56 --> 01:34:01 be happy to connect until next time and very
01:34:01 --> 01:34:18 soon peace I'm looking for a sign To know I'm
01:34:18 --> 01:34:25 on the right road Ain't seen no signs in jail