Addictions : Gambling, Drugs, And Drink, The Vicious Cycle || In Between The Stories

[00:00:01] She's the reason that I'm still alive

[00:00:10] She took all her drugs and all the pain and bad stuff about my life

[00:00:19] And that's the reason why I can live with my hands clean, morally right

[00:00:25] I'm in love with my best friend

[00:00:30] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this show

[00:00:34] This is Giants Amongst Us where we share in that unique human experience

[00:00:42] And we'll also hear real stories that are told by real people

[00:00:47] People just like yourself

[00:00:49] It's good to be back for another sit down

[00:00:51] I hope you guys are doing well

[00:00:53] I hope you're in good spirits

[00:00:55] If this is your first time tuning in, pull up a chair

[00:00:58] Please do stay awhile

[00:01:00] And if right now you're in the dark spot

[00:01:03] You feel like you've been pinned to a corner

[00:01:06] Or you're in the mud stuck like chuck

[00:01:09] No hope, feeling helpless

[00:01:11] Let these stories remind you that

[00:01:14] Things can in fact change

[00:01:16] That you're worth the effort

[00:01:18] It's gonna take a little doing but you're not alone

[00:01:21] And the human spirit is capable of some amazing things

[00:01:26] There's two ways we can approach life

[00:01:29] One of them is just to accept things the way that they are

[00:01:32] Hey, it's just the way that it is

[00:01:34] The other one is to accept responsibility

[00:01:37] To change the situation

[00:01:39] How much different does that sound?

[00:01:43] One is being passive and the other one is taking action

[00:01:46] To be accountable and responsible for oneself

[00:01:50] That right there could be the beginning of change and new experiences

[00:01:55] And why I wanted to have this sit down today

[00:01:58] Because that is something that I struggled with for years

[00:02:01] On top of years, on top of years

[00:02:05] Because I was the one always pointing the blame

[00:02:08] It was always somebody else's fault

[00:02:10] Every time something fell apart

[00:02:13] Every time something didn't go the way I wanted it to go

[00:02:16] Every time I slipped up, messed up, whatever it was

[00:02:19] It was always somebody else's fault

[00:02:21] I was pointing the finger, that victim mentality

[00:02:24] Boy did I love to wear that jacket

[00:02:27] That was all me

[00:02:29] And how do you look like when you're pointing the finger?

[00:02:31] You ever notice that one finger is pointing out

[00:02:34] And three right back at yourself?

[00:02:37] It's time to check yourself

[00:02:39] And for the longest, that wasn't what I wanted to hear

[00:02:42] The other day or a few days ago

[00:02:44] I was having a nice conversation with my wife

[00:02:47] We were sitting around the living room

[00:02:49] And talking about some of the things we struggled with

[00:02:52] Coming up and what helped us along the way

[00:02:55] It's always good when you have somebody that you can confide in

[00:02:59] You know, and they're going to listen to you

[00:03:01] In a non-judgmental way

[00:03:03] And give you some honest feedback

[00:03:05] Even if it doesn't feel good to hear it

[00:03:08] I think we all need that

[00:03:10] Keeps you grounded

[00:03:11] So that brought up my thoughts about how I was acting for so long

[00:03:16] The first time in my life where drugs and alcohol

[00:03:19] Took precedence over everything

[00:03:21] It didn't matter if it damaged the relationships

[00:03:24] That I had with family members

[00:03:26] It didn't matter if I lost jobs over it

[00:03:30] It didn't matter if it was a big part of me

[00:03:33] Not being able to open up

[00:03:35] To experience new relationships in life

[00:03:37] Because I was afraid of being vulnerable

[00:03:40] I was afraid of being hurt

[00:03:42] And I was afraid of just dealing with my emotions

[00:03:45] What are you running from?

[00:03:47] My wife had asked me

[00:03:49] Thinking back, I don't really know what it was

[00:03:51] I guess we all could have our reasons

[00:03:53] Was it because my parents after they divorced

[00:03:56] I felt let down

[00:03:58] I felt betrayed

[00:04:00] And the anger, the resentment, the bitterness

[00:04:03] The grudge that I held

[00:04:05] Did that have something to do with it?

[00:04:07] I'm not pointing blame because

[00:04:09] It was neither one of their faults

[00:04:11] These were issues

[00:04:12] These were emotions that were eating me up inside

[00:04:14] And I didn't know how to express myself

[00:04:16] I didn't want to express myself

[00:04:18] The only time that I really did when I was young

[00:04:21] My parents were divorced when I was 13

[00:04:23] We were living with my mom

[00:04:25] My dad would come visit us every other weekend

[00:04:27] But my mom was raising us

[00:04:30] She was working a full-time job

[00:04:32] Sometimes she was working a part-time job

[00:04:34] On top of the full-time job

[00:04:37] So she had her hands full

[00:04:39] Three boys, three growing boys

[00:04:41] Acting a fool a lot of the time

[00:04:43] Kicking up dust in the front yard

[00:04:45] Knocking over furniture in the living room

[00:04:48] But no, I don't blame the separation

[00:04:51] Relationships grow apart

[00:04:53] People grow apart

[00:04:54] Things happen

[00:04:55] But at that time in my life

[00:04:57] I wasn't able to express my emotions

[00:05:00] And I kept everything bottled up

[00:05:01] So I had a lot of anger

[00:05:03] I had a lot of frustration

[00:05:05] A lot of hurt

[00:05:06] And I was depressed

[00:05:07] But I wasn't voicing myself to anybody else

[00:05:10] I would write in a journal pad

[00:05:12] And a lot of times those weren't the warmest of words

[00:05:15] That I would put on that no pad

[00:05:17] They were distorted, grim, twisted, angry, violent

[00:05:21] But that was the way I vented

[00:05:23] That was one of the ways

[00:05:24] Another way was I lashed out

[00:05:26] I had a bad temper, quick temper

[00:05:28] You know, lash out, no control

[00:05:31] But I don't say that to taint my childhood

[00:05:33] Because I wouldn't change it for anything

[00:05:36] Growing up where I did

[00:05:38] On the street that I lived on

[00:05:40] With my two brothers on that cul-de-sac

[00:05:43] We had kids at every house our age

[00:05:46] All day, every day we were outside playing

[00:05:49] From sun up to sun down and even past

[00:05:52] When it was summertime

[00:05:53] Talking 11, 12 o'clock at night

[00:05:55] We're outside playing hide-and-go-seek

[00:05:57] Hiding up trees, falling down trees

[00:05:59] Scraping our knees on the concrete

[00:06:01] Having boxing matches in the corner

[00:06:04] Playing tackle football on dirt

[00:06:09] Running on the street, playing baseball

[00:06:11] Football, kickball, everything to do with a ball

[00:06:14] Throwing it, kicking it

[00:06:15] It's hitting car windows

[00:06:17] Setting off car alarms

[00:06:19] It's hitting kitchen windows

[00:06:21] Garage doors

[00:06:22] The neighbors or the older kids

[00:06:24] Coming outside yelling at us

[00:06:26] Go take that to the park

[00:06:27] Go to the high school

[00:06:29] But we always wanted to play on the street

[00:06:31] 10, 15 kids outside running around

[00:06:34] You know, we would get on the bikes

[00:06:36] Right over to the next street

[00:06:37] And have water balloon fights against them

[00:06:39] We would have basketball tournaments against them

[00:06:42] Go to the high school swimming

[00:06:44] Which was right down the street during the summertime

[00:06:46] And when it was closed and after hours

[00:06:49] We would jump over the gate and go swimming

[00:06:51] Every now and then get chased by the school security

[00:06:57] So we had a blast

[00:06:59] It was active

[00:07:00] We were always doing something

[00:07:02] Sometimes getting into a little bit of trouble

[00:07:04] Knocking fences over

[00:07:06] You know, being reckless and just untamed in a way

[00:07:10] Kids being kids

[00:07:11] Man, I couldn't even imagine having that now

[00:07:14] Coming home after work

[00:07:15] Or you're just sitting in the living room

[00:07:17] Trying to relax after a day at work

[00:07:19] And then you have a ball hitting your window

[00:07:21] Or you see a kid jumping over your fence

[00:07:23] To grab a ball

[00:07:24] Jumping back over the fence to get away

[00:07:26] Man

[00:07:29] So that's how it was

[00:07:31] Like I said, at 13

[00:07:33] My parents separated

[00:07:34] I didn't take it so well

[00:07:36] And I don't know if it was then or before

[00:07:38] But I was always known as the grumpy one

[00:07:41] I think it probably escalated after that

[00:07:43] I was blaming my mother and one end

[00:07:45] Then I would blame my father

[00:07:47] I was always blaming someone

[00:07:49] I was in denial and for the longest

[00:07:51] For years after

[00:07:52] You know, I was always hopeful

[00:07:54] That they would get back together

[00:07:56] So then as I got older

[00:07:57] And I would see my father with somebody

[00:08:00] Whoever it was a female

[00:08:02] And I would hate her

[00:08:03] I would really, really hate her

[00:08:05] Because I'm thinking nobody can replace my mom

[00:08:08] And then on the other hand

[00:08:10] If I'd see my mom with a male friend

[00:08:12] I hate him

[00:08:14] I would look at him

[00:08:15] I wouldn't want to get to know him

[00:08:16] I wouldn't want to shake his hand

[00:08:18] I wouldn't want to say hi

[00:08:19] I wanted nothing to do with him

[00:08:21] I was angry

[00:08:23] Nobody could take the place of my father

[00:08:26] You know, hopeful that they would get back together

[00:08:28] And there was a lot of that going on inside of me

[00:08:31] Thinking back, that was a fire inside of me

[00:08:34] That was help that was offered

[00:08:36] I remember once my mom was asking me

[00:08:38] If I would like to go see a psychologist

[00:08:41] And of course I shot that one down

[00:08:43] This was like when I was 14 or 15 or so

[00:08:47] So yeah, that was a world shaker for me

[00:08:49] And when I was younger

[00:08:50] One thing that I liked to do was gamble

[00:08:53] Whether it was shooting dice

[00:08:55] Playing pool

[00:08:56] Betting on sports games

[00:08:58] Whatever it was

[00:08:59] I figured out how I can put a dollar on it

[00:09:02] To make it a little bit more interesting

[00:09:04] And sometimes that would get me in a bind

[00:09:07] Because mind you, I'm 13, 14 years old

[00:09:10] I don't have a job

[00:09:11] I'm using lunch money that my mom has given me

[00:09:14] And when that runs dry and I lose

[00:09:16] There was a couple of times where I owed some money

[00:09:19] $200, $300 because I'm playing IOUs

[00:09:22] I'm playing on debt

[00:09:24] On credit

[00:09:25] And I don't have the money to pay

[00:09:27] So I would have people at school looking for me

[00:09:30] Hey, you know so-and-so

[00:09:31] He's looking for you and I heard that he

[00:09:34] He got a few guys also

[00:09:36] Protect your neck buddy

[00:09:37] On account of that

[00:09:38] Sometimes I would miss school

[00:09:40] Avoid classes, cut class

[00:09:42] Just to, you know

[00:09:44] Avoid that situation

[00:09:46] Running away

[00:09:47] Avoiding this situation

[00:09:50] I was good at that

[00:09:51] So there was a few times where I got myself

[00:09:53] In a bind on account of that

[00:09:55] And also when we were younger

[00:09:57] All the way up until about 16 years old or so

[00:09:59] We played baseball for Little League

[00:10:01] That was something we were dedicated to

[00:10:03] We had practice throughout the week

[00:10:05] We had games in the weekend

[00:10:07] And we were playing that for, man

[00:10:09] From like T-Ball to 16 years old or so

[00:10:12] So baseball kept us busy

[00:10:14] I think one of the things that

[00:10:16] Kept me from not getting too heavy

[00:10:19] Or too far off into the deep end

[00:10:21] Early on was also during that time

[00:10:24] When I was going to school

[00:10:25] I bumped into a friend of mine

[00:10:27] And he was someone that I played baseball with

[00:10:29] And at that time he was going to church

[00:10:31] He started going to church

[00:10:33] And he would invite me

[00:10:34] You should come out, you know, visit

[00:10:36] Check it out, you might like it

[00:10:37] Eventually I took him up on his offer

[00:10:40] And then became a fanatic

[00:10:43] I was all in

[00:10:46] I was going every day

[00:10:48] I was going to prayer

[00:10:49] I was going to service

[00:10:50] We'd have Bible studies

[00:10:52] We would go on the weekends to

[00:10:54] Pass out flyers, knocking on doors

[00:10:56] Inviting people to church

[00:10:58] There were even times where we would

[00:11:00] March through the streets

[00:11:02] Or pick a street corner

[00:11:03] And get on the blow horn

[00:11:05] And start preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ

[00:11:08] Repent! Jesus saves

[00:11:11] The good news

[00:11:13] So I think because my time

[00:11:15] And my energy went into that

[00:11:17] And I felt like for a moment

[00:11:19] It was about a couple years

[00:11:20] I felt for a moment that

[00:11:22] I had some peace and happiness

[00:11:24] You know, I wasn't feeling so angry

[00:11:26] Or mad or upset

[00:11:27] I think that kept me from going

[00:11:29] Too far off early on in life

[00:11:32] Yeah, I drank a little bit

[00:11:33] Had a smoke here and there

[00:11:34] But it was nothing too serious

[00:11:36] So I met some good people in church

[00:11:38] And throughout the course of me

[00:11:40] Studying on my own

[00:11:41] And reading

[00:11:43] And I started to come across

[00:11:45] Things that I felt were contradictions

[00:11:48] And so I had my doubts

[00:11:49] I had my concerns

[00:11:50] I had my questions

[00:11:51] And I felt like they weren't answered

[00:11:53] It was always

[00:11:54] You just have to believe

[00:11:56] Gotta have faith

[00:11:57] Blind faith

[00:11:58] So that eventually led to me leaving

[00:12:01] I left the church

[00:12:02] Stop going

[00:12:03] The back slider

[00:12:06] Like a swine

[00:12:07] Going back to his vomit

[00:12:09] To eat it

[00:12:10] That's what they say

[00:12:11] That's what the Bible says

[00:12:13] When you turn from God

[00:12:14] It's like a swine

[00:12:16] Going to the pen

[00:12:18] And eating its own vomit

[00:12:19] That was always in the back of my mind

[00:12:21] I was thinking about that

[00:12:23] As I left the church

[00:12:24] And I separated myself from

[00:12:26] The presence of God, so to speak

[00:12:29] Now I had no protection again

[00:12:31] I was naked

[00:12:32] In the middle of a spiritual warfare

[00:12:34] So I felt

[00:12:35] No more shield

[00:12:37] No more protection from God

[00:12:39] Because I chose to stray away

[00:12:41] And I was back

[00:12:43] With all of the emotions that

[00:12:45] Really weren't sorted out

[00:12:47] Or dealt with

[00:12:48] Angry, lonely

[00:12:51] And still a grudge inside of me

[00:12:53] I still felt that

[00:12:55] These were emotions that were still

[00:12:57] Seated deep inside of me

[00:13:00] And they were eating at me

[00:13:02] But I wasn't expressing it to anybody

[00:13:04] I wasn't talking about it

[00:13:05] I just pushed it down

[00:13:07] So after the church

[00:13:09] I just got around the folks

[00:13:11] That I knew had the weed

[00:13:13] Had the drink

[00:13:14] I wanted to get high

[00:13:15] I wanted to smoke

[00:13:16] And I wanted to go back

[00:13:17] To something that I felt

[00:13:19] Would put me in a better place

[00:13:21] And bring me some happiness at that time

[00:13:24] Because I was feeling lonely

[00:13:26] I was feeling empty

[00:13:28] I was feeling angry

[00:13:30] And I didn't like that

[00:13:31] So when I got high

[00:13:33] When I drank

[00:13:35] I felt happy

[00:13:36] I felt like

[00:13:37] The color was brought back

[00:13:39] To a black and white show

[00:13:41] I was alive again

[00:13:42] Things were bright and bubbly

[00:13:44] That's how it was in the beginning

[00:13:46] You know, you're floating

[00:13:47] You feel like you're on top of the world

[00:13:49] You know, joking with friends

[00:13:50] Having a good old time

[00:13:52] Getting around everybody

[00:13:53] Chippin' in to get high

[00:13:54] To get a sack

[00:13:55] Roll it up

[00:13:56] Pass it around

[00:13:57] And you're feeling good

[00:13:59] Just floating

[00:14:00] Ease and buy

[00:14:02] Without a care in the world

[00:14:04] And that's a scary thing

[00:14:06] Because you start depending on that

[00:14:08] You learn that

[00:14:09] That's something that is a quick fix

[00:14:12] To escape anything that you're feeling

[00:14:16] That is uneasy

[00:14:17] That's unfamiliar

[00:14:18] That's unsettling

[00:14:20] That's making you uncomfortable

[00:14:23] You learn that this drug

[00:14:27] Can help wipe that away for a second

[00:14:30] That's a dangerous thing

[00:14:32] It turns into a daily ritual

[00:14:34] And a habit

[00:14:35] And then you depend on it

[00:14:36] To just be around people

[00:14:38] To function

[00:14:39] To face the real world

[00:14:41] You feel like without it you're nothing

[00:14:43] Because I had no confidence

[00:14:45] I had no self-worth

[00:14:46] I had no self-esteem

[00:14:48] I was empty

[00:14:49] I was broken

[00:14:50] I was frustrated

[00:14:51] I didn't know why

[00:14:52] I didn't know how to express it

[00:14:54] You know, I had all these things going on inside of me

[00:14:56] And I didn't want to face it

[00:14:58] And then I learned that

[00:15:00] This drink and this drug

[00:15:02] Can help me with that

[00:15:04] So that's what I relied on

[00:15:06] You try to hide it at first

[00:15:08] Think nobody really knows

[00:15:10] People that you're trying to keep it from

[00:15:12] Maybe your family

[00:15:13] My mom, my dad, my brothers

[00:15:15] But then it's hard to hide

[00:15:17] Because it's a daily thing

[00:15:19] And then you start doing some shady things

[00:15:21] Being around shady people

[00:15:23] So there were a couple of times

[00:15:25] Where I had to leave the house

[00:15:26] I'm living with my uncle

[00:15:28] My mom doesn't want to deal with it

[00:15:30] Things come up missing in the house

[00:15:32] Setting the wrong example

[00:15:34] And then there was another time where I left

[00:15:36] I had a couple of friends

[00:15:38] They came by

[00:15:39] They said they had an apartment

[00:15:41] My friend's aunt was going to rent it to them

[00:15:44] And then they were asking me if I wanted to chip in

[00:15:47] And be a roommate

[00:15:48] So I was like, let's do it

[00:15:49] We took off, headed to Burbank

[00:15:51] Had an apartment

[00:15:52] That was good for a while

[00:15:53] We had a little bachelor pad

[00:15:55] Everything living that single's life

[00:15:57] And just par-laying

[00:15:59] And that fell apart real quick

[00:16:01] We came home one day and then my friend's aunt

[00:16:04] And her husband were in the front yard

[00:16:06] And they were doing something to the apartment

[00:16:09] Unexpected

[00:16:10] After work, we're pulling into the driveway

[00:16:13] And then we thought

[00:16:15] They were inside the house

[00:16:17] We had bongs on the table

[00:16:19] Bubblers on the table

[00:16:20] Empty CD cases with cocaine residue

[00:16:24] Empty beer bottles laying around 40 ounces on the bed

[00:16:28] You know, it was just a mess

[00:16:30] And of course she didn't like that

[00:16:32] She said that as much as she liked me

[00:16:35] I don't think it's a good idea if you stay here

[00:16:38] Because if anything happens

[00:16:40] I don't want to feel responsible

[00:16:42] For having let you stay here

[00:16:44] So I took that show on the road

[00:16:46] And we ended up staying in the back of a church

[00:16:48] In Van Nuys

[00:16:50] And the good thing about it was that there was a

[00:16:52] A pastor who we were cool with

[00:16:54] And he let us go to the house, wash up

[00:16:56] And everything like that

[00:16:57] But we did that for, I don't know

[00:16:59] About a month or so

[00:17:00] I don't remember exactly how long it was

[00:17:02] But that got old real quick

[00:17:04] If you could imagine

[00:17:05] So then I ended up calling my mom

[00:17:07] Letting her know I'm sorry

[00:17:09] You know, I messed up

[00:17:10] I'm gonna get my act together

[00:17:12] What are you gonna do?

[00:17:13] I'm gonna make up these extra credits

[00:17:15] That I need to make up

[00:17:16] To get my adult school diploma

[00:17:18] And I'm joining the military

[00:17:20] That was like my last resort

[00:17:22] Something I didn't want to do

[00:17:23] I always said I would never do

[00:17:25] But when push comes to shove

[00:17:27] Which way are you gonna leave?

[00:17:29] So she picked me up in front of the

[00:17:31] Payphone that I called her from

[00:17:33] In downtown Burbank

[00:17:35] Or Van Nuys somewhere over there

[00:17:36] North Hollywood

[00:17:37] Go back to the house

[00:17:38] And then I walk over to the recruiting station

[00:17:41] And let them know my plan

[00:17:44] I was like I didn't graduate

[00:17:45] I'm short on some credits

[00:17:47] Can you guys help me with that?

[00:17:48] And I want to join the military

[00:17:50] But only if you can promise that

[00:17:52] You can station me in Hawaii

[00:17:54] And give me some money for college

[00:17:56] The recruiter said no problem

[00:17:58] We can do that

[00:17:59] And so they helped me with my credits

[00:18:02] He said I can sign you as an infantryman

[00:18:05] I didn't really know what that was

[00:18:06] He told me all you guys do is clean weapons

[00:18:09] No big deal

[00:18:10] Easy money

[00:18:11] It's a cake walk

[00:18:13] Like cool alright let's do that

[00:18:15] And I'm going to Hawaii

[00:18:16] Perfect

[00:18:17] I always wanted to go to Hawaii so

[00:18:19] I thought that was my ticket

[00:18:21] And my opportunity to get to the island

[00:18:24] Via through the military

[00:18:26] So everything was said

[00:18:27] I had my ASVAP date

[00:18:29] And in the day the recruiter came to the house

[00:18:31] To pick me up to go

[00:18:32] Take care of the ASVAP

[00:18:34] Where they do all the testing

[00:18:35] The hearing and the year analysis

[00:18:37] And a few other things

[00:18:38] The physical and stuff

[00:18:39] I wake up

[00:18:40] And then I'm walking to the living room

[00:18:43] And then I see my brother and my mom

[00:18:45] They're watching the television

[00:18:47] And it's of a plane

[00:18:48] Hitting towers in New York

[00:18:51] I was like what is this?

[00:18:53] They look at me

[00:18:54] And they look back at the TV

[00:18:56] Then I hear the news

[00:18:57] Reporter talking about war on terror

[00:19:00] Afghanistan

[00:19:01] The towers are down

[00:19:03] Like huh?

[00:19:04] This can't be real

[00:19:06] What?

[00:19:07] And as we're looking at it

[00:19:09] The recruiter pulls up

[00:19:10] So then I go outside to meet him

[00:19:12] And I tell him

[00:19:13] I don't know if you've seen that

[00:19:14] That can't be good right?

[00:19:16] Aw

[00:19:17] It's no big deal

[00:19:18] That'll get sorted out

[00:19:20] I'm naive

[00:19:22] I still want to do something different

[00:19:25] I want to get away from my situation

[00:19:27] I want to run away

[00:19:28] My escape route

[00:19:30] Let me get away from this

[00:19:32] So I say my goodbyes

[00:19:35] My mom's crying

[00:19:36] My brother's even crying

[00:19:37] I'm crying

[00:19:38] We don't know what's going to happen

[00:19:40] Then I go

[00:19:41] Take care of the ASVAP

[00:19:42] Do that

[00:19:43] Sent the basic training

[00:19:44] Finished that in Georgia

[00:19:46] And then stationed in Hawaii

[00:19:48] I signed up for four years

[00:19:50] I only did two

[00:19:51] I ended up being discharged

[00:19:53] But general discharged under

[00:19:56] Honorable conditions

[00:19:57] Because of misconduct

[00:19:59] That's a whole other story

[00:20:01] In the beginning

[00:20:03] You can imagine I'm away

[00:20:04] I still have the mentality

[00:20:07] That I had before I left

[00:20:09] Which was immature

[00:20:10] I was living for the moment

[00:20:12] I was still reckless

[00:20:13] I had no self-control

[00:20:14] So even though

[00:20:16] I was in the military

[00:20:17] And you have guidelines

[00:20:19] And you have rules

[00:20:20] And you have a certain way

[00:20:21] You have to conduct yourself

[00:20:22] Little by little

[00:20:23] I started to come unhinged

[00:20:25] You know, staying out longer

[00:20:27] Than I should be

[00:20:28] Getting mixed up in the night life

[00:20:30] Enjoying myself a little too much

[00:20:32] And then bumping my head with authorities

[00:20:35] Having a problem

[00:20:36] With some of the sergeants

[00:20:37] Some of the things that are going on

[00:20:39] Voicing my opinion

[00:20:40] And you can't have an opinion

[00:20:42] In the military

[00:20:43] So there was a lot of things

[00:20:44] That went on

[00:20:45] And I will take responsibility

[00:20:47] For the way I was acting

[00:20:48] Those were my choices

[00:20:50] Bad choices

[00:20:51] Bad decisions

[00:20:52] I could have went about it

[00:20:54] In a different way

[00:20:55] But I didn't

[00:20:56] And because of that

[00:20:57] I was put on extra duty for a time

[00:20:59] 45 days confinement

[00:21:01] So that pretty much meant

[00:21:03] After we were released for the day

[00:21:05] Which was usually

[00:21:06] 6 in the morning

[00:21:08] We had our schedule

[00:21:09] We started our PT

[00:21:10] And we worked till about

[00:21:11] 5 in the evening

[00:21:12] After that

[00:21:13] I had 30 minutes for child

[00:21:14] And I would go report to the headquarters

[00:21:16] And then from there

[00:21:17] I would work from 6 to like midnight

[00:21:19] And just do that

[00:21:20] For 45 straight days

[00:21:22] Needless to say

[00:21:23] During that time

[00:21:24] I really stopped giving an F

[00:21:25] And then I was slapped with another

[00:21:27] Article 15

[00:21:28] 45 days extra duty

[00:21:30] 45 days confinement

[00:21:32] Until eventually

[00:21:33] The first sergeant decided

[00:21:34] That it was best that I go

[00:21:36] He was like

[00:21:37] You're bad for the morale

[00:21:38] Of the platoon

[00:21:39] We don't need this right now

[00:21:41] You know it's

[00:21:43] There's a whole lot

[00:21:44] That went on with that

[00:21:45] But let's just say

[00:21:46] I wasn't walking the line

[00:21:48] That I should have been walking

[00:21:49] And that led to a lot of problems

[00:21:51] Within my unit

[00:21:53] Within my company

[00:21:54] And inside of my platoon

[00:21:56] But I will say

[00:21:57] I did meet some good people

[00:21:59] I did enjoy myself

[00:22:00] I did learn a lot

[00:22:01] And I was exposed

[00:22:02] To the world outside of California

[00:22:04] So that was a good

[00:22:05] Overall experience

[00:22:06] There was just a lot of things

[00:22:08] That I was not

[00:22:09] In agreement with

[00:22:10] Let's just put it like that

[00:22:12] And at that time

[00:22:13] Mind you this was

[00:22:14] Not too long after 9-11

[00:22:16] We were on call

[00:22:17] So when I was discharged

[00:22:20] And finally sent home

[00:22:21] About two or three months later

[00:22:23] My platoon was sent to Afghanistan

[00:22:26] I dodged the bullet

[00:22:28] Because unlike some people

[00:22:30] I wasn't too excited

[00:22:31] About going to war

[00:22:32] I was in disagreement with it

[00:22:34] I didn't believe in the cause of war

[00:22:37] I felt like

[00:22:38] We were fighting somebody else's battle

[00:22:39] And they didn't want to get

[00:22:40] Their hands dirty

[00:22:41] So they're sending us to

[00:22:43] Catch bullets in the name of

[00:22:45] Democracy

[00:22:46] So I was against that

[00:22:48] And in a way it was a blessing

[00:22:49] That I was discharged when I was

[00:22:51] And unfortunately

[00:22:53] Because I was still

[00:22:54] Keeping in contact with

[00:22:56] Some friends from Hawaii

[00:22:57] One of the girls

[00:22:58] I was talking with

[00:22:59] She told me that

[00:23:00] There were some people

[00:23:01] Who I worked with

[00:23:03] In the same platoon

[00:23:04] That were killed in battle

[00:23:06] One of them

[00:23:07] He was in a helicopter

[00:23:08] And the helicopter was shot down

[00:23:10] He had two kids

[00:23:11] He had a wife

[00:23:12] And that's the cost of war

[00:23:14] But for what?

[00:23:16] So I dodged the bullet there

[00:23:18] Back in California

[00:23:20] I was happy to be back

[00:23:22] But at the same time

[00:23:23] I was confused

[00:23:24] And I was

[00:23:25] A bit down on myself

[00:23:27] That I wasn't able

[00:23:28] To finish out my term

[00:23:30] So yeah

[00:23:31] Back to trying to figure out

[00:23:32] What to do

[00:23:33] Do I pick up some classes

[00:23:35] And go to college

[00:23:36] Do I just start working

[00:23:37] And although I'm happy about

[00:23:39] Being back home

[00:23:40] And not being in Afghanistan

[00:23:42] I'm still down in the dumps

[00:23:44] Because I feel like

[00:23:45] I disappointed a lot of people

[00:23:47] I know my parents

[00:23:49] Even my brother

[00:23:50] They were happy to see me

[00:23:51] Go to the military

[00:23:52] And do something like that

[00:23:54] They were proud of me

[00:23:55] You know they were really

[00:23:56] Proud of the situation

[00:23:57] And to have failed at

[00:23:59] Felt like a bit of a disappointment

[00:24:01] And it doesn't take long

[00:24:02] For me to get right back to it

[00:24:04] Smoking weed again

[00:24:06] Snorting cocaine again

[00:24:08] Playing with the crystal again

[00:24:10] You know doing these things to

[00:24:12] Pick me up when I'm down

[00:24:14] To relax me when I'm feeling

[00:24:16] Agitated or frustrated

[00:24:18] To calm me when I'm feeling anxious

[00:24:20] And it was always something

[00:24:22] I can fall back on

[00:24:24] As my default mode

[00:24:25] To not deal with my own issues

[00:24:28] And I felt like nothing else

[00:24:29] Was able to bring me happiness

[00:24:31] Was able to bring me joy

[00:24:32] But that

[00:24:33] And yeah you know

[00:24:34] I would feel like

[00:24:35] There were times when I was

[00:24:36] Able to hide it

[00:24:37] Oh I'm a functional user

[00:24:39] You know I'm a functional addict

[00:24:42] They don't even notice

[00:24:43] I can be at work high

[00:24:45] And they don't even realize it

[00:24:47] Or I could be driving the

[00:24:48] Forklift on one

[00:24:50] You know tweaked out of my mind

[00:24:52] They don't even know it

[00:24:53] Working night shifts

[00:24:55] Sometimes even popping ecstasy

[00:24:57] While I was working the night

[00:24:59] Shift in the warehouse

[00:25:00] Picking orders on ecstasy

[00:25:03] Man

[00:25:04] You know now

[00:25:05] That just comes to mind

[00:25:06] Sometimes I trip out

[00:25:07] We're watching these videos on YouTube

[00:25:09] And it's of people

[00:25:11] On drugs and they're working

[00:25:13] At a fast food restaurant

[00:25:15] And it looks like they're nodding off

[00:25:16] And I'm thinking man

[00:25:18] How can that be

[00:25:19] Now that I think about it

[00:25:20] I was doing the same thing

[00:25:23] I was no different

[00:25:24] You know there was nobody

[00:25:25] With a camera to record it

[00:25:27] And throw it on YouTube

[00:25:28] But the people around me

[00:25:29] The people working with me

[00:25:31] And I know what was going on

[00:25:33] Damn

[00:25:34] So it starts to become a problem

[00:25:36] When your life revolves around that one thing

[00:25:39] At all costs it doesn't matter

[00:25:41] And the shame of it really having nothing

[00:25:43] To show for myself later on

[00:25:45] In life years of doing that

[00:25:48] And the confidence

[00:25:50] The self-esteem everything

[00:25:52] There's nothing there

[00:25:54] I'm an empty shell

[00:25:55] When I'm high I feel like

[00:25:57] I'm on top of the world

[00:25:58] I feel bold and I feel like

[00:26:00] Here I am

[00:26:01] But without it I was weak

[00:26:03] I didn't want to be around family

[00:26:05] I would avoid get-togethers

[00:26:07] I wouldn't be found when there was birthdays

[00:26:10] Holidays sometimes I ditch

[00:26:12] And act like I had something else going on

[00:26:14] Or you know just disappear

[00:26:16] They're trying to call me

[00:26:18] My cousins, my brothers

[00:26:19] My mom, my dad trying to get a hold of me

[00:26:21] Hey we're

[00:26:22] You know we're gonna go fishing

[00:26:24] Or we're having a get-together

[00:26:26] At the house we're gonna have dinner

[00:26:27] And I'm just avoiding everything

[00:26:29] Or I'm nowhere to be found

[00:26:31] Here and there it's a hit and miss with me

[00:26:33] I don't want to have to face that

[00:26:35] Me and my situation

[00:26:37] Everybody else seemed to be doing well

[00:26:39] They had their families

[00:26:41] My nephew was growing

[00:26:42] My brother's married

[00:26:44] You know everybody seems to be doing well

[00:26:46] And there I was

[00:26:47] Nothing to show for myself

[00:26:49] Acting like everything is okay

[00:26:51] So in my 20s pretty much going nowhere

[00:26:54] Real fast

[00:26:56] Because of the drugs being such a top priority

[00:26:59] That was my go-to

[00:27:01] Again mixing up with the wrong people

[00:27:03] With the wrong crowd

[00:27:04] Putting myself in some vulnerable situations

[00:27:07] And sometimes you're guilty by association

[00:27:10] You've gotta watch who you hang out with

[00:27:12] Be mindful of the people you surround yourself with

[00:27:15] Because there were times

[00:27:17] Being around people who may have did

[00:27:19] Something wrong to somebody else

[00:27:21] And that comes back around and bites you in the ass

[00:27:24] There were times I was with people

[00:27:26] And because of I don't know some past beefs or something

[00:27:29] A gun is pulled out

[00:27:31] We're peeling off driving around the corner

[00:27:33] Trying to get away

[00:27:34] You know things like that

[00:27:35] Or because of your desperateness

[00:27:37] Or you thinking that you're invincible

[00:27:39] You wrong somebody

[00:27:41] And there were times where I did that

[00:27:42] And I had to pay the consequences

[00:27:44] In a few different ways

[00:27:46] Thankfully nothing serious happened but

[00:27:48] When you play with fire you get burned

[00:27:50] So if you have no respect for yourself

[00:27:52] How can you respect others?

[00:27:54] I wasn't able to face myself

[00:27:57] And work out the things I was struggling with

[00:27:59] And that was my behavior and my actions

[00:28:01] That was my substance abuse

[00:28:04] I just kept falling back to it

[00:28:06] Even if I lost jobs

[00:28:07] There was a few jobs I was fired

[00:28:09] For that very reason

[00:28:11] Coming back from lunch

[00:28:12] Drunk

[00:28:13] And the boss smelled it on me

[00:28:15] Being at work

[00:28:16] High

[00:28:17] Getting in an accident

[00:28:18] Failing a drug test

[00:28:19] That's just how it was with me

[00:28:21] I had no sense of responsibility

[00:28:23] No sense of self worth

[00:28:25] Now that I look back

[00:28:26] How could I even know

[00:28:27] I felt like I was confident

[00:28:29] You know I was acting that way

[00:28:30] And I was

[00:28:31] During that time

[00:28:32] When I was around family

[00:28:33] You know I

[00:28:34] Was trying to put on a front

[00:28:36] And be funny and joking

[00:28:38] And acting as if everything is alright

[00:28:40] But

[00:28:41] I mean

[00:28:42] Deep deep deep down

[00:28:44] I was broken still

[00:28:46] I was broken

[00:28:48] And that's just being honest

[00:28:50] So just a lot of mixed up bad behaviors

[00:28:53] Bad situations

[00:28:54] A lot of close calls and run ins

[00:28:57] Doing things that I normally wouldn't do

[00:29:00] All for the dope

[00:29:02] All to get high

[00:29:04] And it was a combination of a lot of things

[00:29:06] It was a

[00:29:07] You know I would rotate the drugs around

[00:29:09] You know it was always weed and alcohol

[00:29:11] For the majority of that time

[00:29:13] But I would always rotate the other substances

[00:29:15] You know I'd have a fix for some ecstasy

[00:29:18] So to the casino

[00:29:19] Disappear be there for a day or two

[00:29:22] Gambling losing my money

[00:29:24] And it got to the point where I was going pretty often

[00:29:27] Like three four times a week

[00:29:29] And as a matter of fact one time

[00:29:31] Coming back from the casino

[00:29:33] I was popped for a second DUI

[00:29:36] And even then

[00:29:37] This is to tell you where my mentality was

[00:29:40] When I was pulled over

[00:29:41] And got that DUI

[00:29:43] My second

[00:29:44] I was blaming the police

[00:29:45] I was mad at the cops for that

[00:29:47] They shouldn't have pulled me over

[00:29:49] I wasn't speeding

[00:29:51] Never mind the fact that for years

[00:29:54] I was drinking and driving

[00:29:56] I was driving on coke

[00:29:58] I'd even drive after poppin' a pill of ecstasy sometimes

[00:30:02] And I was doing that

[00:30:04] Almost on the daily

[00:30:06] Thank goodness

[00:30:07] Nobody was injured

[00:30:09] Nobody was hurt

[00:30:10] I might have bent my rim one time

[00:30:12] Driving up a curve

[00:30:13] But other than that

[00:30:15] Nobody was harmed

[00:30:16] Thank goodness

[00:30:18] There was even times that I was pulled over in

[00:30:21] The cops let me go

[00:30:23] But I still was not

[00:30:25] Willing to take accountability

[00:30:27] Or responsibility for my actions

[00:30:29] Or my choices

[00:30:30] I was blaming the police officer

[00:30:32] Saying he shouldn't have pulled me over

[00:30:34] I wasn't driving

[00:30:35] I wasn't driving in and out of the lanes

[00:30:37] I was driving straight

[00:30:38] Like what's your problem

[00:30:39] That's crazy

[00:30:41] There was a time

[00:30:43] I remember one time going to the casino

[00:30:45] And I didn't stop all the way at a stop sign

[00:30:48] There was a police officer

[00:30:49] He pulled me over

[00:30:50] Stopped me

[00:30:51] I was smelling like alcohol

[00:30:53] I was right outside of the casino

[00:30:55] There was an empty vodka bottle

[00:30:57] On the passenger seat

[00:30:59] He seen that

[00:31:00] He smelled the alcohol on me

[00:31:02] He still let me go

[00:31:04] He was like just get to the casino

[00:31:06] Park your car

[00:31:08] And stay there

[00:31:09] Imagine that

[00:31:10] There was more than one occasion where that happened

[00:31:14] So I had ample amount of chances

[00:31:18] To get my shit together

[00:31:20] But I still was fixated

[00:31:23] That this was all that I had

[00:31:26] To make me feel better about my situation

[00:31:29] No matter all of the headaches

[00:31:31] The heartaches

[00:31:32] And the pain and the hurt that came with it

[00:31:35] So I got a second DUI

[00:31:37] I ended up because

[00:31:38] I didn't have money at the time

[00:31:40] I wasn't working

[00:31:41] I just paid it off through jail time

[00:31:43] I stayed a month in jail

[00:31:44] In the county jail

[00:31:45] And paid it off as time served

[00:31:47] My second DUI

[00:31:49] No job

[00:31:50] Feeling like I'm a waste of space now

[00:31:52] Years wasted

[00:31:53] Starting to get old

[00:31:55] At this time

[00:31:56] I was in a relationship

[00:31:58] And it was going on five years

[00:32:00] And it was during this time

[00:32:02] That I woke up

[00:32:03] Looked at my phone

[00:32:05] And seen that there were 40 missed calls

[00:32:07] I called back

[00:32:09] To get the news that

[00:32:11] My girlfriend of five years

[00:32:13] Was killed in an accident

[00:32:15] A drunk driver hit her

[00:32:17] Her and her girlfriend were driving home

[00:32:19] She was riding passenger

[00:32:21] A teenager

[00:32:22] He was 19 years old

[00:32:23] Driving drunk

[00:32:24] Ran a red light

[00:32:25] T-bone to car

[00:32:26] Threw her out the car

[00:32:28] She suffered internal bleeding

[00:32:30] Didn't make it

[00:32:31] 25 years old

[00:32:33] And there I was

[00:32:35] Years and years of driving

[00:32:37] Under the influence

[00:32:38] Driving drunk

[00:32:40] Driving high

[00:32:41] Two DUIs

[00:32:43] And she would always tell me don't

[00:32:45] Drive like that

[00:32:46] Just give me a call

[00:32:47] I'll come pick you up

[00:32:48] Why do you do that?

[00:32:50] She was never one to do that

[00:32:52] And of all people

[00:32:54] That was a tough one

[00:32:56] And I was a mixed bag of emotions

[00:32:59] Angry

[00:33:00] Upset

[00:33:01] Sad

[00:33:02] Devastated

[00:33:03] I felt guilty

[00:33:05] Something had to give

[00:33:07] I wasn't drinking and driving anymore

[00:33:12] But I didn't stop using

[00:33:14] During that time

[00:33:15] There was probably a few months where I took a break

[00:33:18] I slowed down on it but

[00:33:20] I was still using

[00:33:21] I still liked the feeling of coke

[00:33:23] I still like what it did for me

[00:33:25] I still popped the muscle relaxers

[00:33:27] And chased that with my drink

[00:33:29] I was still using

[00:33:31] Some years passed

[00:33:33] And then I remember

[00:33:35] A friend of mine, his dad

[00:33:37] He came across a post

[00:33:38] And it was for some seasonal work in Alaska

[00:33:41] And so I jumped on it

[00:33:43] I ended up doing that

[00:33:44] Went to Alaska and started working seasonal

[00:33:46] And did that

[00:33:48] And I remember

[00:33:49] It was a good experience

[00:33:51] You know, it was good to get away

[00:33:53] It was something to be proud of

[00:33:55] It wasn't a huge accomplishment

[00:33:57] But it was just something that

[00:33:59] It kind of brought some meaning back into my life

[00:34:02] The first run

[00:34:04] I came back

[00:34:05] I bought a camera and everything

[00:34:07] And then I took a trip to Cambodia

[00:34:09] I was there for a month

[00:34:11] Took pictures

[00:34:12] Seen the temples

[00:34:15] And got to experience life over there

[00:34:17] Southeast Asia

[00:34:19] Which was real nice

[00:34:20] I stayed at some hostels

[00:34:22] Ate some good food

[00:34:23] Met some good people

[00:34:24] I even bumped into a family

[00:34:26] And ended up staying with them

[00:34:28] They cooked dinner for me and everything

[00:34:30] And some very friendly people

[00:34:32] So I had a good time over there

[00:34:34] It was a good, good experience

[00:34:36] And I started to feel a little better about myself

[00:34:38] Did a couple more runs in Alaska

[00:34:41] Some seasonal work

[00:34:43] And little by little

[00:34:45] The drugs and the drink

[00:34:46] They weren't so important anymore

[00:34:48] I was seeing that there were other things

[00:34:50] In my life that could bring me happiness

[00:34:53] Because with that

[00:34:55] Me working, coming back

[00:34:57] I'm getting back around family

[00:34:59] Spending time with my family

[00:35:01] Having dinner at my mother's house

[00:35:03] My brothers are there

[00:35:04] My cousins are there

[00:35:06] You know

[00:35:07] We're enjoying each other's company

[00:35:09] And I'm appreciating that time

[00:35:12] Away from all the mess

[00:35:14] From just the uncertainty

[00:35:17] Of being around certain people

[00:35:19] In an environment that isn't always the friendliest

[00:35:22] Let's just say

[00:35:23] When you have the habits that I had

[00:35:26] So that was starting to fill my

[00:35:28] My heart up with something meaningful

[00:35:31] You know, something that felt good

[00:35:33] This is what I was missing

[00:35:35] And once that started to form and develop

[00:35:38] I think that was a big reason

[00:35:41] Or part of why the drugs

[00:35:43] Weren't doing what they once did for me

[00:35:46] The highs started to feel like lows

[00:35:49] That buzz wasn't cutting it

[00:35:51] I mean here and there

[00:35:52] I was still getting around the old friends

[00:35:54] And at barbecues

[00:35:56] And you know, whatever it was that we had

[00:35:58] Mostly cocaine that would get passed around

[00:36:01] But it didn't taste the same

[00:36:02] It didn't hit the same

[00:36:04] The conversations, everything

[00:36:06] The environment just wasn't satisfying anymore

[00:36:09] It wasn't pleasing to be around anymore

[00:36:11] Some were good people

[00:36:13] I hope they're in a better place right now

[00:36:15] But there comes a point in time

[00:36:17] When you have to separate yourself

[00:36:19] From an environment that's toxic

[00:36:21] From a relationship that's toxic

[00:36:24] So little by little

[00:36:25] You know, I was finding that there were other ways

[00:36:27] For me to find this peace

[00:36:30] This happiness that I was missing and longing for

[00:36:34] And then how the wild world works

[00:36:36] I end up meeting my wife

[00:36:39] And then that's all the more reason

[00:36:42] I remember speaking with her

[00:36:43] When we were first talking

[00:36:45] And as we were getting to know each other

[00:36:47] I told her a bit about my past

[00:36:49] And there was something there

[00:36:51] It was something special

[00:36:52] And I knew for a fact

[00:36:55] That if I involved drugs in this relationship

[00:36:58] It wasn't gonna work

[00:36:59] So now I had something to work towards

[00:37:02] There was an anticipation of something greater

[00:37:05] You know, just ahead

[00:37:07] This is worth it

[00:37:09] The drugs, the drinking

[00:37:11] That daily abuse

[00:37:13] And the daily habits that I had

[00:37:16] The toxic poison that I was putting into my body

[00:37:19] Day in, day out

[00:37:21] I already know what that was

[00:37:23] And that wasn't it anymore

[00:37:25] That wasn't the answer

[00:37:27] That wasn't taking precedence over

[00:37:30] Nothing anymore

[00:37:32] I didn't need it

[00:37:33] It wasn't doing anything for me

[00:37:35] I seen the bigger picture

[00:37:37] I seen that there were other options

[00:37:39] And I seen that there was happiness

[00:37:41] And there was peace

[00:37:43] And there was fulfillment

[00:37:44] In something other than the drugs

[00:37:46] So fast forward

[00:37:48] Here I am in Germany

[00:37:49] I've been here for almost six years now

[00:37:52] With my wife these days

[00:37:54] There's something else that's bringing me happiness

[00:37:57] It's spending time with the beautiful woman

[00:37:59] Growing and experiencing life together

[00:38:02] Sitting with my emotions

[00:38:04] And not trying to mask them

[00:38:06] Hide them

[00:38:07] Or cover them up with chemicals

[00:38:09] The simpler things

[00:38:11] You know, getting back in touch with nature

[00:38:13] Things that at one time were foreign to me

[00:38:16] Or they had a place but I always

[00:38:19] Distracted myself with other things

[00:38:22] Now, away from all of that

[00:38:24] We have our place here

[00:38:26] We have a dog, a cat

[00:38:28] Two turtles, a garden

[00:38:30] So we enjoy gardening together

[00:38:32] Growing things, tending to that garden

[00:38:35] And just the communion

[00:38:37] That my wife and I have for one another

[00:38:39] To be able to have someone to share experiences with

[00:38:42] Even the smallest of things

[00:38:44] Taking a walk through the forest

[00:38:46] Or just traveling to a new town

[00:38:48] Or a new village

[00:38:49] Or sitting around the house

[00:38:51] And just joking and laughing

[00:38:53] Watching her do things that she enjoys doing

[00:38:56] And for the time and space that I have

[00:38:58] To be able to do things I like to do

[00:39:00] And that's just calm, simple and easy things these days

[00:39:03] Filling my mind with knowledge

[00:39:05] And things that I think will be

[00:39:07] Helpful and useful for me

[00:39:09] You know, to just grow and mature as a person

[00:39:11] Emotionally, psychologically

[00:39:13] That's just where I'm at these days

[00:39:15] And I'm happy with that

[00:39:16] I'm content with that

[00:39:18] I'm thankful for that

[00:39:20] So there's not even a question or a bout

[00:39:23] That I have every waking day

[00:39:25] That I'm fighting to keep clean

[00:39:28] And man, that itch is really still

[00:39:31] That thorn is poking at my side

[00:39:34] I know the choices

[00:39:36] I know what they bring

[00:39:38] And I know what this is brought for me

[00:39:40] When you taste the best

[00:39:43] For me at least

[00:39:45] Why settle for less?

[00:39:48] So years later

[00:39:49] How I can finally say

[00:39:51] That was all my doing

[00:39:53] It was my choices

[00:39:54] It was my attitude

[00:39:56] It was my actions

[00:39:57] It was my decisions

[00:39:59] All of that was my doing

[00:40:02] I decided every day

[00:40:04] That more than anything

[00:40:06] This drug or that drink

[00:40:08] Was at the top of the list

[00:40:09] And I didn't care who was getting burned

[00:40:11] I didn't care who was getting stepped on

[00:40:14] I didn't care what was getting broken

[00:40:16] Those were my mistakes

[00:40:18] Those were my issues that I created

[00:40:20] And I feel like throughout life

[00:40:23] I paid a lot back into this karmic debt

[00:40:26] In a lot of different ways

[00:40:28] I'm not perfect

[00:40:29] I'm still a work in progress

[00:40:31] But I'm just trying to live

[00:40:32] A healthier and more balanced life

[00:40:34] Now, I'm not saying I don't drink anymore

[00:40:37] In moderation, I still do that

[00:40:39] But man, it's night and day

[00:40:42] Compared to what it once was

[00:40:44] And I'm in a better place

[00:40:46] I don't have to have a million dollars

[00:40:48] I don't have to have the biggest toys

[00:40:51] I'm content

[00:40:52] Of course I'm always striving

[00:40:54] For something more

[00:40:55] But I'm content in my heart

[00:40:57] With where I'm at

[00:40:58] With what I have

[00:40:59] And with the beautiful people

[00:41:01] I still have in my life

[00:41:02] So let's appreciate what we have

[00:41:05] While we have it

[00:41:06] And I hope everybody listening

[00:41:08] I hope you guys find your piece of happiness

[00:41:11] If you haven't already

[00:41:13] Thanks for listening

[00:41:15] I didn't mean for it to go on this long

[00:41:17] I mean, forgive me at times

[00:41:20] If I was running

[00:41:21] But I just wanted to share

[00:41:22] A little bit of my heart

[00:41:24] With you all today

[00:41:25] And hope this finds you in good spirits

[00:41:29] You guys can check out the website

[00:41:31] I've been putting blogs up there

[00:41:34] And different topics there

[00:41:36] You can find along with past episodes

[00:41:39] You can find a way to contact us

[00:41:41] And even leave a message

[00:41:43] And give feedback

[00:41:44] All that good stuff

[00:41:45] To keep in touch

[00:41:46] And of course you know

[00:41:48] If you would like to be a part of this show

[00:41:52] And share your story

[00:41:56] Or even the story of someone in your life

[00:41:58] That has impacted you in a positive way

[00:42:01] You could always reach out to me

[00:42:03] Via email

[00:42:05] I'd be happy to connect

[00:42:07] Until next time

[00:42:09] And very soon

[00:42:12] Peace