Real stories, told by real people.
After a short hiatus, I'm happy to be back. Next up on GIANTS AMONGST US is Chris who joins us, and he's got a story to tell. Chris talks about his bouts with anxiety, depression, dropping out of college and losing some real close and dear to him, his father. He shares the struggles of trying to find purpose, meaning, and a peace of mind. Along with how dealt with his grief.
Music was a big help. It was therapeutic for him. Poetry, and expressing himself over instrumentals helped him cope with the grief from losing his father. After trying times, and all the ups and downs, he's now got a brighter outlook on life, and is excited about what the future holds. An UNDERDOG out for his taste of goodness, and this makes him a GIANT AMONGST US.
'Til next time
and very soon,
PEACE!!
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Connect with Chris :
Soundcloud Music : https://on.soundcloud.com/duA43
Podcast : https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stray-talk/id1463057386
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A big "THANK YOU" to Phry for being very supportive and offering ideas and tips with how to connect the Show with others. Another big "THANK YOU" to Pepper Anne who's spread the word and helped connect me with people that have stories ripe and ready to be told. And to my wife as well for sharing these stories with others and being so supportive of the Show. You're the best, love you.
Phry's Youtube Channel : www.youtube.com/phrymcdunstan
Pepper Anne's Website : https://www.pepperanneauthor.com
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Connect With Giants Amongst Us :
Website : https://giantsamongstus.org/
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To Share Your Story : giantsamongstus@tutanota.com
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Background music by : @bnoizemusic
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00:00:00
Now, here's a little story I got to tell.
00:00:04
You are now locked in to Giants Amongst Us, where you're always going to hear real stories
00:00:16
from real people.
00:00:18
And after a short hiatus, we're back with another episode.
00:00:23
And today, Chris is joining us, and he's got a story to tell, a college dropout who's
00:00:30
had his bouts with anxiety, depression.
00:00:34
He talks about navigating through his life, trying to find purpose in a peace of mind
00:00:39
and healing from the loss of loved ones.
00:00:43
Chris shares his thoughts with us, struggles, pain, but also his passions and hope for the
00:00:50
future.
00:00:51
Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, here's Chris and his story.
00:00:57
Welcome to the show, ladies and gentlemen.
00:01:01
We got another one for you.
00:01:03
And today, I'm joined by Chris.
00:01:06
Chris, thank you for taking time out of the day.
00:01:09
I know you could have been doing anything, could have been anywhere, still could have
00:01:13
been sleeping.
00:01:14
But you put some time aside to share with us, so I appreciate that.
00:01:19
Thank you.
00:01:20
I appreciate you for having me on, man.
00:01:22
It's an honor.
00:01:23
So, Chris, let's talk a little bit about how it was for you growing up and where you're
00:01:29
from.
00:01:30
Man, from Mississippi, from like small, small town, Clinton, Mississippi.
00:01:36
So if you know you know, shout out to Clinton.
00:01:39
But I was kind of like a grandparent raising me thing.
00:01:45
My great grandparent actually raised me.
00:01:48
I stayed in the same neighborhood as her.
00:01:51
And my mom and dad worked pretty much like full day shifts.
00:01:56
So I was literally just dropped off at her house in the morning time and spent the whole
00:02:01
day with her.
00:02:02
And I'd go at home at night.
00:02:03
But like my great grandmother practically raised me.
00:02:06
So I'm literally one of the oldest souls in my friend group.
00:02:10
But my childhood, man, it's all over the place.
00:02:15
It was great times, slightly traumatic times, but you don't know it's traumatic in that
00:02:21
time because you're a child.
00:02:22
But you grew up and you look back like, ah, shit, that was why I acted the way I acted.
00:02:27
But yeah, man, it was pretty, I think it was a somewhat normal childhood.
00:02:32
But let other people tell it like I didn't talk much.
00:02:35
I was very distant, often, you know, just from since a baby, you know, but.
00:02:41
Okay.
00:02:42
So you have no brothers and no sisters?
00:02:44
I have one stepbrother, but I grew up with him my whole life.
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And I just I never really even like it doesn't even click in my brain though.
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That's my stepbrother.
00:02:56
So to me, it's like my full brother.
00:02:58
He's uh, he's six years older than me.
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And that's like blood for you.
00:03:02
Oh yeah.
00:03:03
It's that he's, yeah, man, he's been almost like a father to me in certain points in my
00:03:09
life.
00:03:10
So yeah, me and him are like super close.
00:03:12
But uh, yeah, me and him grew up with each other.
00:03:15
And your parents the whole time, although you said you spent a lot of time with your
00:03:21
your grandmother, but your parents, were they were they together throughout your whole childhood?
00:03:25
Absolutely.
00:03:26
They were they were together and they were on.
00:03:29
It was just like I said, the work schedule.
00:03:31
And it's like I've rarely ever seen both of them, you know, together.
00:03:35
But I was, yeah, you know, I would notice them, you know, sometimes at, you know, around
00:03:39
nighttime we'll be watching a TV show or a movie or like maybe if we go somewhere to
00:03:46
get something to eat, like now that I think about it's like I rarely seen my mom and dad
00:03:51
like together as a couple.
00:03:53
But you know, the older I got, the more I seen that.
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But uh, yeah, that was it was just work.
00:03:59
That seems like a lot of like a lot and it's and it's having to do with that the work schedule
00:04:05
that the mother or the father, they're either having to work a double shift or just constantly
00:04:12
working that it's the grandparents sometimes that are the one spending a lot of time with
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you know, with the children because of that reason.
00:04:20
Right.
00:04:21
You said in school you were you were pretty much a loner in a way, right?
00:04:26
You were doing your own thing.
00:04:27
Not really not really wanting to be around the crowd or yeah, man.
00:04:30
So like I said, like growing up, let my mom or anybody that spent a lot of time around
00:04:35
me as a baby, I didn't talk to anybody other than my brother and my great grandma, like
00:04:42
literally like my, my parents actually thought I was a mute until I was like four years old.
00:04:49
They were concerned.
00:04:50
They were trying to like get me to get tested trying to poke you in the belly or something.
00:04:54
Does he talk?
00:04:55
Yeah.
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And you know, one day I spoke to my, I spoke around my mom and her friend and they're real
00:05:02
close.
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They've been close since you know, beginning.
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So like to me, that's like my aunt, but you know, in reality, it's just you know, my mom,
00:05:08
friend, no relations, but she was around one day and I guess I said my first words around
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her at like the age of five.
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Wow.
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Yeah.
00:05:20
Up until then you weren't saying anything.
00:05:24
I guess not.
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Man, I do remember specifically like talking to my like when I was having conversations,
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I was only talking to my brother or my great grandma.
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I felt like I don't know if for some reason I guess they were the only ones to understand
00:05:36
me.
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But yeah, man, I get when I said like my first word to my aunt, she literally like, like
00:05:43
gasped and jumped and like, I remember it.
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It was a core memory because like it felt like I don't know.
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I just scared her for some reason.
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But you know, that was the reason I never really, I never really talked to him.
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So in school, I was the same way essentially, but like I never was, I wasn't, it wasn't
00:06:00
anything I was trying to do.
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I guess it was just natural.
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I just, you know, never really spoke unless I was spoken to.
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So I didn't make a lot of friends, but I did have like the friends that I did make it
00:06:12
was really solid.
00:06:13
Solid, right.
00:06:14
Genuine, some genuine friendships.
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Right, right.
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And I was also the type of person where I would, I could really blend in to like pretty
00:06:24
much any, any room you threw me in or any table you put me in.
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You sent me at the nerdy table.
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I was going to fit in.
00:06:30
You sent me at the table with the gang bangers.
00:06:32
I was going to make them laugh.
00:06:33
You sent me at the table, all girls.
00:06:36
I was going to make them be comfortable.
00:06:37
Like it was, I had no problem blending in and being with people, but I just preferred
00:06:43
not to.
00:06:44
Uh huh.
00:06:45
Yeah, that's understandable.
00:06:47
All through high school, same, same, pretty much the same way.
00:06:50
Yeah.
00:06:51
High school, it was, it was the exact same way.
00:06:53
I just, I don't know, I feel like a background character.
00:06:56
I never really did too much, but I don't know man.
00:06:59
I was just, you know, just there pretty much.
00:07:02
March into your own drum beat.
00:07:04
Yeah.
00:07:05
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:07:06
I mean, there's some people, you know, they, they kind of, they force it and you know,
00:07:11
they're being somebody, they're not just to fit in, but I mean, you, you didn't have,
00:07:14
it seems like you didn't have no problem just being who you are.
00:07:17
And even if it means I'm going to play the background.
00:07:19
Right.
00:07:20
And I will say in high school, I did kind of slow up on social life.
00:07:27
Even though like that was the most I ever did, obviously in high school, you do stuff
00:07:29
with your friends, like, you know, you drive around and you go places, like movies, or
00:07:34
have to eat just, you know, uh, laudering in the lobby somewhere with your friends,
00:07:38
you know, just doing all types of stuff.
00:07:40
But in high school, I slowed down super, super fast on all the social stuff because that's
00:07:46
when like reality set in like, oh man.
00:07:49
Now is the time where you really got to figure out what are you about to do in life?
00:07:53
And I don't know, I, I jokes and all that, just joking around and, you know, being that
00:07:57
same bubbly person I was like, before I got to high school, it was not it.
00:08:01
I was just like kind of focused, you know, figure out what in the hell I'm not about
00:08:06
to do in life.
00:08:07
Yeah.
00:08:08
Yeah.
00:08:09
You put a lot of pressure on yourself to try to figure it out.
00:08:11
Like, am I going to go to college?
00:08:13
Am I, am I, am I going to get straight into the, the workforce after this?
00:08:17
Man, that's like the, that's the main thing I do is pressure myself.
00:08:21
And that's, I am my worst enemy in that sense.
00:08:24
Like I just, that, that was the start.
00:08:28
Like 11th grade in high school was the start of who I pretty much became now.
00:08:33
Like just super meek, you know, out of pretty much everything.
00:08:39
I don't know.
00:08:40
It was 11th grade.
00:08:41
Like I said, it was the reality check to where next year I'm about to be a senior, which
00:08:46
means I really need a game plan.
00:08:48
I don't even know where I'm about to go to college at, let alone what I'm about to major
00:08:52
in.
00:08:53
So yeah, that pressure was setting me in heavy and I never, I never was a good student in
00:09:00
the sense of I never did what I was supposed to do.
00:09:03
But I had common sense.
00:09:04
I could understand what you're trying to teach me.
00:09:08
You know, I just never did the homework.
00:09:10
I'll pass the test all day long, but I don't know.
00:09:13
I just, the principal of school didn't connect with me.
00:09:17
I never agreed with the reason to even go to school from a young age, you know, because
00:09:24
in my mind, they were judging fish on their ability to fly.
00:09:29
You know, they never focused in on anybody strong.
00:09:32
So you have to be putting the box to learn this because we want you to learn this.
00:09:36
And, and I knew I wouldn't really learn this stuff.
00:09:38
I can say I'll go and pass the test and do homework for a little, a little period of
00:09:43
time.
00:09:44
But then if you really asked me what I knew about this stuff that I was passing over,
00:09:50
I literally couldn't tell you.
00:09:51
So it's like, at that point, I'm like, I know I'm just remembering this stuff.
00:09:54
I'm not even learning it.
00:09:56
You know, this stuff doesn't interest me.
00:09:57
It's not, you know, what I want to know.
00:10:00
So it was just, school was always tough for me, man.
00:10:03
I hate it every second of it.
00:10:06
Did you end up graduating with the rest of your class?
00:10:09
Oh, yeah.
00:10:10
The only reason I graduated because, like I said, 11th grade, everything, it was a reality
00:10:18
check in.
00:10:19
I ended up going to summer school for 11th grade and 10th grade year.
00:10:22
Like I said, I was just, oh, was that to catch up on credits?
00:10:25
Oh, yeah.
00:10:26
Like, so when we had the system at our school to where, you know, if you do fail one class,
00:10:34
then you'll have to probably just go to summer school and make up for that credit.
00:10:39
And then, you know, you'll advance to the next grade.
00:10:41
However, if you don't, then you would just, you know, regress and stay where you at.
00:10:45
So I will always probably miss one or two classes in like 10th grade, 11th grade.
00:10:52
Um, 9th grade was like the only time I passed flying colors, but even 8th grade, 7th grade,
00:10:57
I had a summer school problem.
00:10:59
Like I will always literally just find myself in summer school.
00:11:03
And I knew partly it was because I knew that I was going to end up passing summer school
00:11:08
regardless.
00:11:09
Like that wasn't, summer school wasn't going to be a problem.
00:11:12
So I don't mind just fucking off for the whole school year just to end up in summer school,
00:11:17
a little slap on the wrist.
00:11:18
You get it back.
00:11:19
Right.
00:11:20
Right.
00:11:21
So that was one of my main problems.
00:11:23
And it had been, it had been a problem, like I said, all the way to like 11th grade.
00:11:27
But when 11th grade came around, I just come from summer school.
00:11:30
I'm like, bro.
00:11:31
All right now.
00:11:32
So, no summer school 12th grade year, we were walking across the stage.
00:11:36
I have, like I said, my, my, um, my family's just, I don't know, I put a lot of pressure
00:11:41
on myself and, and with social anxiety comes with thinking about what other people think
00:11:49
about you constantly over and over again.
00:11:51
So I already knew I had to stick with being pretty much a dumb ass or a lazy ass or nobody
00:11:57
who cares, you know.
00:11:58
So I was like, man, I cannot let them be right about me not graduating.
00:12:04
So that's not, that wasn't going to happen.
00:12:06
And on top of that, my mom threatened me with having to join the services.
00:12:10
Oh, if I didn't graduate in that was not an option for me.
00:12:14
And you know, I respect everybody who do it, but man, that is like, boy, like probably
00:12:20
a step, one little step above hell.
00:12:24
I can't see myself doing that, man.
00:12:28
No.
00:12:29
So I got myself together real quick for that 12th grade year and I graduated, but I just
00:12:34
still didn't have a plan, you know, I just did not know what college I was going to go
00:12:39
to or nor what I was going to major in.
00:12:44
Did you get, now I know you said you, you're your own worst critic and you put a lot of
00:12:49
pressure on yourself.
00:12:50
But now after you graduated high school, did you get a lot of pressure from your parents
00:12:54
like now?
00:12:55
What are you going to do?
00:12:56
I mean, you either start working or?
00:12:57
Man, I mean, I can literally feel the excitement and the surprise from them even when I graduate.
00:13:06
It's like, oh, shit.
00:13:07
Okay, right.
00:13:08
Yeah.
00:13:09
They celebrate at least they celebrated with you and that and it wasn't just right away.
00:13:12
You know, you better start thinking about what you're doing next.
00:13:15
Right.
00:13:16
Right.
00:13:17
And I do want to say that my parents were were never the type to harken down on that.
00:13:26
They were like I said, up growing up, I didn't even spend a lot of time with them.
00:13:32
The pressure system, I put more on me because I feel like they weren't putting enough on
00:13:37
me.
00:13:39
So you know, to them, when I came home with bad grades, they would always say, Chris,
00:13:45
you're too smart for this.
00:13:46
You know how to do what you're doing.
00:13:48
And you know, like, there's no reason why should we bring home the grades you bring it.
00:13:52
So for them, I mean, it's kind of like they had way more expectations than I had on myself.
00:13:59
But if there was no pressure, you know, like, even though like they're telling me, you know,
00:14:05
you're smarter than what you're showing, they weren't saying, you know, also, you know,
00:14:09
figure out what you're going to do.
00:14:11
Or, you know, they weren't even putting me into extracurricular activities other than
00:14:16
I played like some pop Warner football here and there.
00:14:19
But you know, it was, I feel like they had their own time to pretty much like still figure
00:14:25
out whatever the hell they needed to figure out.
00:14:28
Because I don't think that, you know, that situation where I was born, it was an ideal
00:14:36
one.
00:14:37
So I still think they were trying to like get their self together and, you know, figure
00:14:41
things out for themselves rather than, you know, have all the time in the world to, you
00:14:46
know, press on me and figure out what I'm doing.
00:14:49
What I need to do and what I was going to do in school.
00:14:52
Yeah.
00:14:53
Could I, I want to take her back a little bit just because I'm curious.
00:14:58
Like you said, as a growing up, you pretty much were like a lone star, you know, you
00:15:02
did your own thing.
00:15:03
Now I was wondering during those times and the off times, like, what did you, were there
00:15:09
anything in particular that you involved yourself in any hobbies?
00:15:12
Like listening to music, playing video games or, you know, or watching TV?
00:15:18
So as a kid, I would spend all the time, like going outside was a reward.
00:15:23
It was a token man, like going outside.
00:15:26
Okay.
00:15:27
So you enjoyed that?
00:15:28
Yeah.
00:15:29
Like with the neighborhood kids, like I said, as a kid, I wasn't like super just like, I'm
00:15:33
about to, you know, sit to myself every time and every time and every chance I get.
00:15:37
But I knew like a long time was very, like very valuable, you know, I would have to have
00:15:43
that for myself or just, you know, like for instance, my great-grandma, it was like, you
00:15:48
know, it was pretty much a daycare center without it being a licensed daycare center.
00:15:53
She was the sweet old lady in the neighborhood and pretty much it was just the one-stop shop
00:15:58
for everybody else's kids for when, you know, they got to go to work, come home and, you
00:16:03
know, so pretty much when we got off the bus, instead of everybody going to their own house,
00:16:07
it would have like seven to eight kids coming right to my great-grandma house.
00:16:11
So, yeah, man, that was a spot.
00:16:15
But a lot of the time, like I said, we'll go outside, but it was some days where I knew
00:16:20
for a fact that I wasn't going to go outside at all.
00:16:23
And my grandma, my great-grandma, she would show me a little bit of favoritism.
00:16:27
She would always like, whisper to me, you can go to my room.
00:16:31
And I would love to just go to her room and just sit down and lay down in her bed and
00:16:35
watch like, I love Lucy tapes and I'll just be in there.
00:16:41
And I was, yeah, my grand- oh, when my grandmother was alive, she used to love that show.
00:16:47
I love Lucy.
00:16:48
Absolutely.
00:16:49
A gym, a gym, man.
00:16:50
Uh-huh.
00:16:51
Yeah, that's a classic.
00:16:52
So, yeah, like that was, and I knew that wasn't really, like at the age I was there, like
00:16:57
I was probably like seven years old doing that.
00:16:59
I knew that wasn't normal, you know, where all the kids are in the front or outside and
00:17:04
I'm, you know, and she could tell, she kind of read my mood.
00:17:08
She was like, yeah, he ain't feeling it today and she'll always lean in to him, you can
00:17:12
go to my room.
00:17:13
And I was the only kid, you know, I had cousins and just like, you know, neighborhood kids
00:17:17
there, but I was the only one that could go to her room and just, you know, chill out.
00:17:21
Right.
00:17:22
Yeah.
00:17:23
Some alone time.
00:17:24
It's funny that you said that and you already were having that frame of mind so young because
00:17:30
fast forward nowadays, it's already, I mean, it's a known fact that that alone, quiet
00:17:38
time with ourselves is essential to our health, mentally, physically, emotionally, spirit,
00:17:45
any way you cut it.
00:17:46
That's so important because now more than ever, it's like, I was just, I was talking
00:17:51
to my wife about it, like we're plugged in at all times, never in, never in the history
00:17:58
of mankind have we always been plugged in at all times.
00:18:04
We're checked, if we're not around a group of people physically, we still have our home,
00:18:11
we have our phone at an arms distance and then boom, let me see what they're doing.
00:18:15
What did they post?
00:18:16
And so you're always plugged in and surrounding yourself.
00:18:20
It's like you're putting yourself in the mix at all times and it's so essential, I think
00:18:25
to have that alone time and that quiet time.
00:18:28
Yeah, man.
00:18:30
And also just dealing with the world and what you've got to do, like go to work, you're
00:18:34
going to more than likely deal with the public.
00:18:37
So you're constantly dealing with other people 24 seven, even if you're not online, you have
00:18:43
to deal with family members and probably cheer them up if they need cheering up or listen
00:18:51
to their advice if they're wanting to give you advice.
00:18:54
So you're always dealing with other people's mind.
00:18:58
So it's real important that you just sit down and you're the only mind you got to deal with.
00:19:04
Yeah, that's true.
00:19:05
You think in your case, how you said you were, I forget how you put it, socially, you said
00:19:12
anxious or what was the, how was the way you put it?
00:19:15
Yeah, man, I think I low key got social anxiety.
00:19:19
Okay.
00:19:20
You think in your case, has it been a handicap or it's something that you kind of embraced
00:19:25
and not really use it to your advantage, but I mean, you were able to navigate with it.
00:19:34
I'm just curious as if you think it was more of a handicap or not.
00:19:42
That's real interesting.
00:19:43
I say in the beginning, I for sure thought it was a handicap.
00:19:47
That was probably what sparked my first depression, realizing how alone I really was.
00:19:53
Like I said, you are constantly dealing with other people, but at the same time, certain
00:20:00
thoughts, it's just sneaking into like, man, they don't really understand what the fuck
00:20:06
I'm going through.
00:20:07
They don't really know what I'm going through.
00:20:10
And even if I try to explain it, they can only pretty much see it from their perspective.
00:20:16
They're not going to fully understand my experience.
00:20:19
So talking to people about my problems was almost not an option, because I tried it at
00:20:28
first and it was like, man, I was just better off just fucking, just wallowing in my own
00:20:34
thoughts because now hearing what they got to say is just like, it's a disconnection.
00:20:39
They're not really understanding what I'm feeling.
00:20:42
But like I said, that first spark of depression, it was all from just being a colleague.
00:20:49
First and foremost, man, I went to college like probably like 15 minutes down the road
00:20:58
for where I live.
00:21:00
And it's not your ideal college experience.
00:21:03
You want to probably go out to a university somewhere.
00:21:08
Most people want to go as far as home as possible.
00:21:12
But like I said, in school, I was a terrible student, man.
00:21:17
I'm talking like one point something GPA.
00:21:20
So there was nothing but community college options for me.
00:21:25
And I chose a school called Heinz Community College in Raymond, Mississippi.
00:21:31
And there is really nothing out there but like trees and babies.
00:21:36
So also there was a correctional center right across from the college.
00:21:43
So one of their main taglines of the college, one of their M.O.s was if you do some messed
00:21:48
up here, you're going right across the street.
00:21:50
You're not going to Juvie Center.
00:21:52
You're not, no, you're going right to jail.
00:21:54
And I'm just like, damn, bro, I just want to get education.
00:21:58
But yeah, I went down there and most of my friends went off to a university and then
00:22:06
you did have a lot of people go to where I was at that.
00:22:09
That's when I realized, we were in the same boat all alone.
00:22:13
You were fucking off in school too.
00:22:14
So now you're right where I'm at.
00:22:17
And I didn't really have like much friends down there.
00:22:23
Kind of have that resetting factory of like, I got to make friends all over again.
00:22:28
And it's kind of like in school, it's easy to do since it's common ground.
00:22:35
You're all in the same place.
00:22:36
Easy to spark up a conversation.
00:22:38
Like, hey, did you do the homework?
00:22:39
No, I ain't do that shit.
00:22:40
Oh, cool, boom, we're friends.
00:22:43
But other than that, it was kind of like, I did miss my other friendships.
00:22:50
I did had something going on with a young lady back in high school, had to break that
00:22:57
off because I knew she was going to go to, she ended up going Howard.
00:23:02
So that was like, you want to talk about a tale of two cities.
00:23:06
Like, man, I knew I wasn't going anywhere near her, so I was like, fuck it, I got to
00:23:11
let that go because there's no reason.
00:23:14
Hard ways, huh?
00:23:16
Right, right.
00:23:17
But yeah, man, it was just like, I was dealing with isolation.
00:23:20
And then one of my best friends who ended up going to Hans with me, he ended up having
00:23:25
a girlfriend right there in that time period.
00:23:28
And they were super close.
00:23:29
So rather than him spending some time with me when I was just down and out, lonely as
00:23:38
fuck, he'll be with his girl.
00:23:39
And I'm like, I can't really be too upset about that, but it's like reality sitting
00:23:43
like, damn, this is life.
00:23:45
You got to find your way.
00:23:48
And then whole time, I'm going to these bullshit general assessment classes because my ACT
00:23:55
score was too low.
00:23:56
So here I am just going through the motions and I just, it was rough, man.
00:24:01
I just, that whole experience with just not having friends, staying on this campus, not
00:24:09
really having nowhere to go, wanting a whole different experience, that was like my first
00:24:14
little depression.
00:24:15
But at first, not having people.
00:24:20
How long were you in college when that happened?
00:24:24
When you started feeling the blues and it was like, man, this is really taking the toll
00:24:28
on me.
00:24:29
Almost like immediately, like that first week there, I was moving into campus.
00:24:37
And I, you know, before moving into campus, I had this whole plan of like, okay, I'm going
00:24:41
to room with my best friend that was going to Hans with me.
00:24:46
But you know, like the housing, it was so chaotic that it was like probably first come,
00:24:53
first serve or they didn't have the room set up to where you could be with who you want
00:24:58
to be.
00:24:59
You had to just write down your name and then they'll just, you know, put you in a room
00:25:03
with whoever.
00:25:04
So that first week I was moving in, we were already in like me and my friend in two different
00:25:11
parts of the campus.
00:25:14
And I ended up rooming with somebody that I, it was completely stranger to me.
00:25:19
And that was already like scary.
00:25:21
I didn't know what to expect, you know, because you can have a small quarters with a complete
00:25:27
stranger.
00:25:28
Oh man, you know, that's just, I was thinking the worst.
00:25:32
And it's like a, it's like a coin flip.
00:25:34
You don't know if it's going to be, if it's going to, if it's going to go or it'll be
00:25:37
a complete no go.
00:25:39
Right.
00:25:40
Right.
00:25:41
So I was scared of the, I was scared of the culture shock.
00:25:44
And yeah, it was, it was like week one, it was already, you know, going kind of bad because
00:25:50
I was in classes, but it wasn't normal classes.
00:25:54
Instead of like going from a class here and then you go to another class, totally different
00:25:59
people, totally different classmates.
00:26:01
We all traveled to the same classes together, like just a tight knit group of like 13 people
00:26:07
all going to the same class for one semester.
00:26:11
Oh, so every, okay.
00:26:13
Every time the class cut out and you were going to the next one, you're all going in
00:26:17
a, in a group to the next class.
00:26:20
Okay, sir.
00:26:21
That's like the cattle, the cattle being stared at.
00:26:26
It was like the scarlet letter to us.
00:26:27
Like everybody knew that the students that were traveling together, those were the people
00:26:31
that were taking general classes, the people who had low ACT scores because they just wanted
00:26:37
to see like basically what do you know, you know, and get like a groundwork from there.
00:26:44
So after you pass these classes, we can put you in whatever course you want to be in.
00:26:49
So once that, once that depression hit, you really have no mind to even try to study and
00:26:56
focus in on what you, you should be focusing on at least when it comes to sitting in class.
00:27:01
Yeah, man.
00:27:02
I remember one time specifically, that was my first time getting like blackout drunk
00:27:08
because like I said, I'm only 15 minutes down the road from my house and my mom used
00:27:13
to be a bartender on the side.
00:27:16
So she always had like this liquor cabinet and one day man, when I was going home to
00:27:21
get my laundry, I snuck in that liquor cabinet.
00:27:25
I was like, dude, I'm about to get something for one of my, for a rainy day up there at
00:27:29
Heinz because there's really nothing up there to do.
00:27:32
So I snuck up like a half filled water bottle of extra dry gin and I came back on campus
00:27:42
and on one of those random Fridays, I knew I wasn't going to be doing anything.
00:27:48
I woke up in the morning before I had to go to class.
00:27:52
I ate like two taquitos, like the little mini rolled up tacos and I drunk that full half
00:28:00
filled bottle of extra dry gin straight out the bottom straight out the bottom and it
00:28:05
was nasty.
00:28:06
I tasted it with a little bit of cream soda and terrible combination, terrible decision.
00:28:13
I went to class and man, time started going so fast and I still went to class after that.
00:28:22
Yeah, man.
00:28:23
Like it was like, you know, before you leave out the door, you probably have like an apple
00:28:31
slice or whatever or a cup of coffee, that was like how I consumed that alcohol that
00:28:37
day.
00:28:38
And I don't know, I was just bored, man.
00:28:40
I don't know.
00:28:41
I was bored, sad, just reckless.
00:28:43
I don't know.
00:28:44
And I ended up going to class and feeling pretty like started off good.
00:28:49
I started off like a pretty good, you know, loose feeling.
00:28:53
And then after so long, like time just started just blinking.
00:28:58
And I felt like, for instance, I put on a young thug album.
00:29:04
I think it was Slime Season 2.
00:29:06
And that's a fairly long album.
00:29:09
And I swear to God, like I turned on song one and like 10 seconds later, I was on the
00:29:16
last song and I'm like, bro, what the fuck is going on?
00:29:22
So and then the only thing I could remember was I was leaving class and it was so many
00:29:28
people around me and they was pointing a camera at me.
00:29:32
And then like I brought like random people in my dorm.
00:29:35
It was people playing my game.
00:29:37
I'm just on the bed.
00:29:39
Man, I was, yeah, it was bad.
00:29:43
So yeah, I was doing some.
00:29:45
Did you black out?
00:29:46
You don't really remember too much or what happened?
00:29:48
That's exactly what I think happened.
00:29:50
Because like I said, I just remembered just certain, like I woke up and see like saw these
00:29:58
different things.
00:29:59
Like I said, like, I one second I'm on track one, the next second I'm on track 30.
00:30:05
Then the next thing I remember was people around me with their cameras.
00:30:09
Then the next thing I remember was I'm on the ground by my closet while people are playing
00:30:13
my game.
00:30:14
They're playing Madden.
00:30:15
And then I just remember me waking up and immediately having to go, you know, throw up
00:30:19
or whatever.
00:30:20
And I didn't have anything to throw up because I only had one taquito.
00:30:24
So I had to drink water.
00:30:26
Try.
00:30:27
Oh my goodness.
00:30:28
It was.
00:30:29
Yeah, man.
00:30:30
I'm surprised.
00:30:31
I mean, if you killed the whole, I don't know how big that bottle was, but to get alcohol
00:30:35
poisoning or something because that that dry gin is no joke.
00:30:39
Yeah, man.
00:30:40
That's gasoline.
00:30:41
Yeah.
00:30:42
Yeah.
00:30:43
That's the thing.
00:30:44
Like I never since then I've never been like on liquor.
00:30:47
I never really liked liquor specifically for that reason.
00:30:52
And pretty much every time I did drink liquor, it would always go south.
00:30:56
But I did learn that dry gin is potent.
00:31:00
It's not to be treated lightly.
00:31:04
So that's flammable.
00:31:06
Yeah.
00:31:07
You spit out fire.
00:31:09
Yeah.
00:31:10
So I was like, it was in it.
00:31:12
It was only like, you know, just a regular like 16 fluid ounce bottle.
00:31:15
Halfway filled up.
00:31:18
That's enough.
00:31:19
Yeah.
00:31:20
Yeah, man.
00:31:22
You said as far as as far as that goes with the alcohol, you really never been much of
00:31:26
a drinker.
00:31:27
No, man.
00:31:28
I if I if I'm not incriminating myself, I do like marijuana.
00:31:33
The good trees, good herb.
00:31:35
And I've been on this since like the first time I smoked was 11th grade.
00:31:40
And you know, 11th grade probably rings a bell in your head because like I said, 11th
00:31:45
grade was that year where reality set in.
00:31:48
I was like, man.
00:31:50
But yeah, I first started in 11th grade because this whole, that's a long story, but we're
00:31:56
on the podcast.
00:31:57
I guess I got a little time to tell it.
00:31:59
I'll make it as short as possible.
00:32:02
10th grade, our school was introduced with MacBooks.
00:32:07
They tried to do the whole, you know, the electronic route.
00:32:11
Right.
00:32:12
And it was a it was a learning curve for everybody, for teachers included.
00:32:17
So you know, because this was new for everybody up to this point, we were just doing the old
00:32:22
textbook way like how we how the God intended.
00:32:25
But now we got to figure out how to do this whole MacBook thing.
00:32:29
But it was a fairly easy learning process for the most part.
00:32:33
11th grade, however, you know, same system, we're on the MacBooks and I had this one teacher
00:32:40
named Ms. Godfrey, she was an English teacher and she was like a pretty old school teacher
00:32:45
in a sense.
00:32:47
And like I told you, 11th grade, I told myself I was going to crack down.
00:32:50
I was going to get right.
00:32:52
And I wouldn't go bullshit because this was the year that was allegedly the hardest year
00:32:57
in high school.
00:32:58
Everybody said 10th grade is going to be whatever.
00:33:00
11th grade is going to be your hardest and 12th grade year is going to be your easiest
00:33:03
year by far.
00:33:04
And so I told myself, I'm not going to some school this year, man.
00:33:07
I'm cracking down.
00:33:08
I'm not I'm not going through that process.
00:33:10
Like that shit is old.
00:33:12
So we're going to do everything we're going to do everything we're supposed to do.
00:33:16
And I remember the first progress reports came out.
00:33:22
And for the first time in like a long time, I felt so good, man.
00:33:27
I remember always when progress report come out, I feel like shit report card come out.
00:33:31
I feel like shit.
00:33:33
And when any break came on Christmas Thanksgiving spring break, I would feel like shit.
00:33:38
Because I know in the back of my mind, I got to go back to school and do with these bum
00:33:42
ass grades.
00:33:44
But this time, I felt excellent.
00:33:47
No pressure, no anxiety, no worries.
00:33:50
I was excited because I was like, dude, I can't wait to go home show my parents.
00:33:54
They don't even know I'm doing good in school.
00:33:58
So I get my progress report from every single teacher.
00:34:03
Math for the first time ever be science, a history, a all my classes, a's and b's.
00:34:11
I get to English.
00:34:13
I'm not sweating.
00:34:14
I'm not friend.
00:34:15
I'm walking in proud like a peacock.
00:34:18
And she hands me my progress report.
00:34:22
And like for a second, I don't even look at it because like it was like the Eric has
00:34:26
had sat in this is the last class of the day.
00:34:29
And I was like, I ain't got to look at this is the clean a.
00:34:32
For sure.
00:34:33
Because I knew in English, that was my strong suit.
00:34:36
I hated math and I hated pretty much math is only thing I hated.
00:34:40
But English was the only English in history with only two subjects I like literally love.
00:34:45
But I looked at their progress report and I had a 30 out of 100.
00:34:52
You failed miserably.
00:34:53
Yeah.
00:34:54
Yeah.
00:34:55
But something did not add up.
00:34:57
That was like, it's like going to the grocery or going to like your little gas station for
00:35:01
a pack of gum and that's all you get.
00:35:03
You ring it up in the cashier.
00:35:05
That'll be $109.
00:35:07
And you're like, well, this is completely out.
00:35:10
There's 100% of malfunction here.
00:35:14
So that's how I felt.
00:35:15
I'm like, okay, I walked up to the teacher and meeting.
00:35:17
I'm like, something is terribly wrong.
00:35:19
You know, I'm looking at the progress report as I'm telling her this and I'm like, there
00:35:23
are zeros in places that shouldn't even have zeros.
00:35:27
Like here's a zero for a quiz right here.
00:35:30
Like how do you get a zero for a quiz when everybody does it?
00:35:34
So she sent me back down to my desk because she had a lot of other people coming up to
00:35:40
her.
00:35:41
Another little side note, a little tidbit about her.
00:35:44
She had a plethora of students like complaining about her.
00:35:50
She had this one student in particular.
00:35:53
His name was Christian Trejo.
00:35:55
Shout out to you, man.
00:35:56
And his teacher, his mom was a teacher in elementary school at the time.
00:36:02
So I not been going to school with this guy for my whole life and he's had nothing but
00:36:07
outstanding grades.
00:36:08
He's been nothing but a principal-less type student.
00:36:13
Well, now Christian Trejo is sitting in this woman's classroom crying because he now has
00:36:19
an F. And it was this big deal because like I said, he was known as a scholar student.
00:36:26
He was known as like, he's always going to pass.
00:36:29
And like he just started crying and he failed.
00:36:34
He had like an F in there.
00:36:35
Like he had a great, just as low as mine.
00:36:37
And that's how everybody knew something was up.
00:36:41
And basically she didn't know how to work the computers.
00:36:46
She was the only teacher that like really didn't get the grasp of the computer.
00:36:50
And she was too prideful to admit that she didn't understand what was going on.
00:36:56
But it was evident that she wasn't doing something right.
00:37:00
We worked through this thing called Canvas and it's pretty much like this online course
00:37:05
or whatever.
00:37:06
You do your work on there.
00:37:07
You submit it online.
00:37:09
And it's pretty easy to keep track of what you did and what you didn't do.
00:37:13
Whatever you did, you're going to have a green checkmark by it.
00:37:16
You can pull up exactly what you did.
00:37:18
You press on the tab.
00:37:21
So I'm up there and I'm showing her exactly, I'm lining up all the assignments from where
00:37:27
I got a zero on.
00:37:28
And I'm showing her on Canvas to where I did it.
00:37:31
And she looked at me and she just showed her shoulders and it was like, well, I didn't
00:37:35
get it.
00:37:37
And at that point in time, man, I felt super defeated.
00:37:41
There was literally nothing I could do because on one side you got.
00:37:46
You pretty much like everybody that was graded incorrectly by her, they pretty much just
00:37:51
had to take it.
00:37:52
There was no, you know, we need to correct this.
00:37:55
See, that's the thing.
00:37:56
It was a couple of people that weeded through the cracks like Christian Treyho.
00:38:01
That's why I brought him up.
00:38:03
He only got out of her class.
00:38:06
What I think my theory is because his mom is a teacher that she teaches in the same
00:38:12
district, but like for elementary school or whatever.
00:38:15
So she doesn't teach in the same school, but she teaches for the same district or whatever.
00:38:23
And I feel like she had enough pool to get them out of class, especially when schedules
00:38:29
were set.
00:38:30
It was going to be hard to get students out of.
00:38:34
That really wasn't, that's not like a normal request to change classes unless it's like,
00:38:40
you know, you're in the beginning of the school year and there's been a genuine mistake in
00:38:45
the scheduling and you have to change classes.
00:38:47
But other than that, it was like, nobody really changed classes like that.
00:38:52
And this was the first time that anybody could remember that like so many students wanted
00:38:56
to change classes.
00:38:57
And it was all stems from her class.
00:39:01
And he got out and a couple of the students got out and, you know, their testimonies or
00:39:06
whatever, because a lot of kids did come back up there at school with their parents and
00:39:10
they were like, genuinely upset.
00:39:12
You know, it's probably the same situation that happened to me.
00:39:15
They got good grades all across the board and here's the one class, they're just, you
00:39:19
know, terrible then on paper, you know, it's like, it doesn't add up.
00:39:23
So they came back with their parents and they made their testimonies or whatever and some
00:39:27
people did get out.
00:39:28
But in my situation, I've been a terrible student all my life.
00:39:34
I've had a bad rep with the merits and the tensions.
00:39:38
I wouldn't qualify to be one of those lucky people to afford the luxury to getting out
00:39:44
of her class.
00:39:46
So throw that on top of the fact that my story wouldn't be believable anyway, even though
00:39:52
you line my practice supports up, you would see that, okay, yeah, I wouldn't, I can understand
00:39:59
why somebody would fail one subject, but at the same time, like, look at, it just didn't
00:40:03
line up, you know, like I had A's and B's all across the board.
00:40:06
This is my one class that I wasn't passing in.
00:40:10
And I knew that I didn't have enough, like, I didn't have enough leverage for people to
00:40:15
believe me that this is a genuine mistake from the teacher.
00:40:19
You know, it was a classic, my word against theirs and they were going to believe, you
00:40:24
know, the teacher regardless.
00:40:26
So I was fucked from the get go.
00:40:28
And that's when it just sat in like it was like, wow, there's literally nothing I could
00:40:32
do.
00:40:33
I'm going to have to go back to summer school and it's going to look real bad on me.
00:40:38
But you know, it is what it is.
00:40:40
So, and I remember I had a friend, I had a lot of associates in school, like I said,
00:40:47
I really wasn't just the guy to, you know, just put myself out there, but I had like
00:40:51
a lot of associates and one of my associates, he always, and he was smoking since the ninth
00:40:58
grade, he always came up to me, they would be like the one and only thing he would ask
00:41:01
me and say to me if he did say something to me would be like, Hey, man, you trying to
00:41:05
smoke and I would always turn it down to it's like, no, I'm living like I'm a child.
00:41:11
I don't need to, you know, but like, I remember like that, like it was probably like a day
00:41:17
prior or that day he asked me that and I told him, yeah, man, today's the day, you know,
00:41:24
it was lined up, my parents were going somewhere.
00:41:26
I had the time and space and I tried it out and it was just one of those feelings where
00:41:32
it's like, wow, this is, I can, I can understand the appeal to this, but I stopped, you know,
00:41:39
I wasn't smoking throughout 11th grade year and 12th grade year, I only smoked my first
00:41:43
blunt in the 11th grade time and that was it.
00:41:47
I was done and I picked it back up in college.
00:41:51
Once I was, you know, fighting my battle against oppression and loneliness and found out liquor
00:41:59
was not the move.
00:42:00
So I picked up weed right there after that alcohol incident.
00:42:06
So is it safe to say all through college you were battling depression?
00:42:13
All through our college, man, all through our college because it was not only the lonely
00:42:17
part, but just like, man, what am I going to do?
00:42:22
You know, I still didn't understand what I was going to do in life as a career.
00:42:29
I was still just battling, like trying to figure out me, you know, and what do I like
00:42:33
to do?
00:42:34
What would I do on this earth if money didn't exist?
00:42:38
And I just couldn't find the answer for the longest.
00:42:40
So it was, it sounds like it more than anything, it was the pressure you were putting on yourself
00:42:46
about what?
00:42:47
Yeah, like you said, pretty much what am I going to do with the rest of my life?
00:42:51
I know, you know, because especially, I don't know for you, but I know for me, when I was
00:42:56
younger, even now, I was like, there's some people, they seem to know what they were going
00:43:00
to do at six, seven years old.
00:43:03
And they stuck to it and they followed through with it.
00:43:05
But then again, a lot of us are, I mean, everybody is different.
00:43:09
And there's a lot of, a lot of people, I think a big majority, 18, 19, you're still fairly
00:43:15
young.
00:43:16
It's like, how do you expect somebody to know what they want to do and stick to it for the
00:43:22
rest of their life?
00:43:23
There's some people my age, 40 in the fifties, and they're still trying to figure it out.
00:43:28
But it sounds like for you, you were putting a whole lot of pressure on that.
00:43:32
More than anybody else putting pressure on you, it was you putting that pressure on yourself?
00:43:38
Right.
00:43:39
And that was, that was the thing that I was scared of.
00:43:43
That was the thing I was aware of is that a career is something you're going to have
00:43:47
to do for the rest of your life, whether some people, and that's what I look at in life,
00:43:52
I look at people just, you know, tolerating what they do for a living.
00:44:00
And it's just like, you know, I don't want to be in a position to where I'm waking up,
00:44:05
getting ready for work, and I'm battling, getting out of that bed.
00:44:09
And I'm not even tired.
00:44:10
It's just that I do not want to go do what I've been doing for the past, you know, so
00:44:15
on and so on.
00:44:16
And I know me as a person, I just, if I don't love it, if I'm not into it, I'm not going
00:44:22
to do it, I'm completely out of it.
00:44:25
You know what I'm saying?
00:44:26
And I don't care what benefits are attached to it, what advantages it gives me.
00:44:31
If I don't love it, if I'm not passionate about it, I can't do it.
00:44:35
And after my little semester in college, after doing the general classes, I was able to pick
00:44:42
what I was going to go do.
00:44:44
And I ended up picking nutrition, you know, something general like that, because, you
00:44:49
know, at the end of the day, I think I thought I could be passionate about food, putting
00:44:54
the right things in your body, you know, for those people who are sick with diabetes or
00:45:03
coming off of chemo or anything like that, to where they have to have certain foods.
00:45:07
I think I thought that I was going to be able to make a food plan for them or do anything
00:45:13
that in the source, but then I had to transfer to the Jackson campus, which is still in the
00:45:21
States.
00:45:22
Jackson, you know, it's a capital.
00:45:24
And the Jackson campus was way, way downgraded than the Raymond campus.
00:45:32
And the Raymond campus was nothing special.
00:45:34
So the Jackson campus was like a whole nother set of feeling of like, man, I'm not doing
00:45:40
this life thing right when I went down there.
00:45:43
So you took a step down.
00:45:45
Yeah, that's what it felt like.
00:45:48
Because the only reason I had to go transfer campus because I picked nutrition and they
00:45:53
didn't have any classes on that campus.
00:45:56
They didn't offer me a Raymond one.
00:45:59
So yeah, I ended up transferring campuses and then I was finally like, finally like
00:46:07
on my own, on my own.
00:46:09
All the people that I knew were at Raymond campus.
00:46:12
Now at the Jackson campus, there's nobody that I know here.
00:46:16
So it was like, I can play at that point in time.
00:46:19
It was I was almost, you know, starting to accept the isolation.
00:46:23
I know you asked me, you know, did you find it as a handicap or, or, you know, an advantage
00:46:31
at the start?
00:46:33
It was definitely a handicap.
00:46:34
And the more I progressed, I use it as an advantage.
00:46:38
Like, you know, for example, a long time, you could use a good a long time now for I've
00:46:44
recorded podcasts in my long time, I'll start working on my music in my long time and that
00:46:49
isolation where nobody's reaching out to you, talking to you and you have your, your, your
00:46:55
own thoughts in your own mind, just completely isolated.
00:46:59
It's special because that's when the creativity starts flowing out.
00:47:03
And that's when you're comfortable.
00:47:04
And that's when you don't have to, you know, worry about being a chameleon.
00:47:08
Like I said, I naturally blended in in all these areas, well, no matter where, and it's
00:47:13
always like, I put on a face, I put on a good face anywhere I go.
00:47:17
But when I'm by myself, I can be me 100%.
00:47:20
And that's like the most pure I feel.
00:47:22
That's the best that I feel.
00:47:24
So now in life is 100% to my advantage.
00:47:29
But I start to feel that when I was at the Jackson campus and I was totally alone, didn't
00:47:35
have nobody to reach out and do anything with, you know, all my other friends started making
00:47:40
other friends.
00:47:41
So they were in the tight-knit group and I didn't want to force myself into that.
00:47:45
So after a while, man, I just started putting my nose in the books and there was nothing
00:47:52
else to do.
00:47:53
So I just was like, you know what, I'm going to go back to doing what I was doing, you
00:47:57
know, in the 11th grade, 12th grade year, just start just focusing on books, reading
00:48:02
on my downtime, what I don't understand and doing homework early, whether if it's due
00:48:08
from a month from now, I'm going to go home and do as much as I can now.
00:48:11
And I'm probably going to knock this out like this weekend.
00:48:13
Like I started to become a real student.
00:48:16
And at that time on the Jackson campus, I ended up reaching a 4.0 GPA.
00:48:21
I just started getting nothing but 80.
00:48:23
A complete 180, man.
00:48:28
So yeah, it was a wild journey.
00:48:32
And I ended up not loving the major I was doing.
00:48:38
I ended up like being checked out of the whole nutrition thing because it was just, I don't
00:48:44
know, man, maybe it was the way I was receiving the information or maybe it was the classes
00:48:49
that I had to take, but like the biology and the chemistry and the labs, it was man.
00:48:56
It was just mentally exhausting.
00:48:57
It was just, you know, I could do the work.
00:49:00
I was passing, but it was just like, I was just checked out.
00:49:03
So I'd be in class, but I'd just be sitting there.
00:49:07
You know what I'm saying?
00:49:08
I'd just be, you know, because I know I can go home and read the book and take my own
00:49:12
notes.
00:49:13
We were just essentially reading out of the book in class.
00:49:15
So I'd be in class just sitting there.
00:49:17
And you know, bro, it's just staring off in the space.
00:49:20
Yeah, Sony now.
00:49:21
Yeah.
00:49:22
And my teacher actually pulled me to the side and he explained to me, he said, well, I can
00:49:26
tell man, your heart's not in it.
00:49:28
And you know, bro, this is your grades.
00:49:30
It's just, I don't think it'd be the right thing for you to do it to carry on, you know,
00:49:36
with this if this isn't what you want to do.
00:49:39
So that's, that's good.
00:49:41
I'm just happy to hear that there are teachers that see that in students.
00:49:45
Right.
00:49:46
I mean, because it seems like at least he was paying attention to the people in front
00:49:52
of him, the students.
00:49:53
And he was seeing whether somebody is in it or not.
00:49:55
And then you can at least kind of like he did to you, hit them and say, you know, this,
00:50:01
you might want to try something else, even though I see that you're succeeding and you're
00:50:04
you're passing the class, but I had to step in and say that just because that's cool that
00:50:09
there are actually teachers that that noticed that and all.
00:50:12
Yeah, that's respectable.
00:50:14
Yeah, man.
00:50:15
So I, to this day, I appreciate him like to a degree.
00:50:20
I can't even, I mean, words can explain how much I appreciate him for that because that
00:50:25
did transition me to just another stage in my life to where at that point, we told me
00:50:34
that I had some information that they were adding a class to the curriculum.
00:50:41
So even though I was on pace to graduate that May of that year, I had my graduation date
00:50:48
set back because I had another class to complete.
00:50:52
And that how long were you in college up at that point?
00:50:56
At that point, it had been about four years.
00:50:59
I did.
00:51:00
Okay.
00:51:01
Two years.
00:51:02
You were almost done with your nutrition class then.
00:51:05
Exactly.
00:51:06
Exactly.
00:51:07
Wow.
00:51:08
So I finished general classes and then the second year I ended up trying something else
00:51:13
and I changed my major from there.
00:51:15
And then, you know, the last year I was trying to get my associates and, you know, the nutrition
00:51:21
thing.
00:51:22
So, man, I, but I got to say, I really dig the fact that you, even though you were so
00:51:31
close to it, because it wasn't something that you were passionate about, you didn't
00:51:35
have any, there was no joy.
00:51:39
There was nothing to go ahead and pursue that.
00:51:42
Even though never mind, you're already halfway done, you pulled away and said, this isn't
00:51:46
for me.
00:51:47
Right.
00:51:48
And like you said, their decision to, you know, pull out of whatever I was, you know,
00:51:54
so close to doing, like I said, a graduation, graduating college alone, I never thought
00:52:00
was just possible, you know, but especially for me.
00:52:05
But at that moment, it was like, I think it was the first time where I knew what I wanted
00:52:12
to do.
00:52:13
So I told myself, I asked myself, what would you do if money didn't exist?
00:52:18
What would you be the best at?
00:52:20
What would you see yourself waking up excited to do every single day?
00:52:25
And the answer that I landed on was helping people, you know, talking to people, being
00:52:31
a therapist in the sense being like a counselor or being in that field of psychology.
00:52:37
So that's exactly what I set it out to do.
00:52:40
And instead of just waiting it out, taking that last class, I ended up transferring to
00:52:48
the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
00:52:51
It was like I said, right before I graduated.
00:52:53
So if you graduate or just go ahead and transfer and go to a university out of state, which
00:52:59
is something that I never, never thought that I would ever do.
00:53:04
So I was like, man, I'm taking this chance.
00:53:06
I'm doing that.
00:53:07
I'm going out of state, man.
00:53:08
And you were really, really stepping out your comfort zone.
00:53:11
Yeah, man.
00:53:12
It was like those two decisions back to back.
00:53:15
It was, it was liberating.
00:53:17
That's the word.
00:53:19
Because like I said, the decision to just go ahead and say, you know what, I'm not going
00:53:24
to walk across the stage.
00:53:25
I'm not going to graduate just to say I've got my associates or whatever.
00:53:29
You know, make my Nana, make my mom, make all these people proud.
00:53:32
I'll say, you know what, let me just go ahead and switch over to UAB.
00:53:36
And like I said, going out of state, going, you know, completely off the table.
00:53:41
And then you have to probably take now, now you're on a different course.
00:53:45
So you probably tacked on some time to your, your education, right?
00:53:49
You're going to have to pick up some new courses and learn something new.
00:53:53
Exactly.
00:53:54
Exactly.
00:53:55
But with this, I was super confident in because like I said, this was something that I, I
00:54:00
figured would be my niche in life.
00:54:03
Like I can, I can navigate through all these classes pretty easily when it's something
00:54:08
that I want to hear.
00:54:09
When it's something that I'm interested in.
00:54:11
You know, I was, I was, I thought I was doing a pretty decent job at, you know, passing
00:54:16
with some classes that I absolutely dreaded.
00:54:19
So I was looking forward to going with something that would, that piqued my interest.
00:54:24
I mean, this was the first time ever in life I was excited about school.
00:54:29
So they have to be a good feeling in itself.
00:54:31
Just man, that was, I was riding a super, like I'm born again.
00:54:38
Exactly.
00:54:39
Exactly.
00:54:40
Like I'm a whole different person, you know, but uh, yeah, man, it was a lot of that.
00:54:46
And that point of life, man, that was like, this is a real big pivotal part in life.
00:54:53
Because things did not go exactly as expected.
00:54:57
So I went down there in school.
00:54:59
I'm going to throw a little bit another side note out there, a little tidbit.
00:55:03
My father, like I said, me and him, me and his relationship wasn't like the best.
00:55:09
We weren't really close at all.
00:55:11
And you know, he was only here and there.
00:55:14
He was a truck driver in the first part of his life.
00:55:18
Then around the time when I was in like high school, he switched over to like a construction
00:55:27
job.
00:55:28
So, you know, like we were never the closest, but over time we start to spend a little bit
00:55:36
more time with each other, with each other.
00:55:38
And the theme that drew us together, the thing that bonded us you would never expect was
00:55:44
we.
00:55:48
My family, my, it's another little tidbit.
00:55:52
We all have our vices and our, you know, and our tools of whatever to fix those.
00:55:59
It's like pick your poison.
00:56:01
Yeah, man.
00:56:02
So it's actually crazy that like on my mom's side, they are borderline alcoholics, man.
00:56:09
I mean, they have no problem with liquor.
00:56:13
You know, they can hold it very well, handle it very well.
00:56:17
And that's there, you know, like anytime there's a family gathering, you can almost
00:56:21
bet some, the whole house is going to be drunk almost.
00:56:25
The women side, the male side, literally every male in my family with the exclusion of my
00:56:34
brother and probably like two other people that I can't think of smokes weed.
00:56:41
It is like a, and looking at there, looking at like the backgrounds of what they went
00:56:47
through now that I'm older and I can hear the stories that my mom tells about my cousins
00:56:52
and hear the story that my grandma tells about, you know, my uncles and we had a lot of trauma
00:56:58
in our family.
00:57:00
And a lot of those guys, a lot of the men in my family had trauma at a young age.
00:57:06
And so them smoking weed, it was, it made sense to me the older I got, you know, I
00:57:13
was always surrounded by it when I was younger, because it was, and I just thought it was
00:57:18
like, I thought we was pretty much like another black in my out, you know, it was that common
00:57:22
to me.
00:57:23
Yeah.
00:57:24
You know, and my father, he was always, you know, smoking weed and even dabbled into
00:57:33
selling it here and there.
00:57:36
And he just his childhood here in the background story to his childhood, it only makes all
00:57:42
the sense in the world because my father was actually adopted because his mother left him.
00:57:51
So he knew he was like, she left him as a baby.
00:57:57
Oh, wow.
00:57:59
Yeah, as a, she went to her sister's house in the story that I know to my knowledge is
00:58:06
that she went in there through the baby on the couch and said, here y'all can't.
00:58:10
Never came back.
00:58:11
Yep.
00:58:12
Wow.
00:58:13
That's cold blooded.
00:58:14
Yeah, man.
00:58:15
So my dad, he, and he also didn't really grow up with the father figure as well.
00:58:20
It was just a house full of women.
00:58:22
But it was him, his aunt, well, turned out to be his mom, his adopted mother, and all
00:58:30
his her children, which were girls, he was surrounded by women and he just, you know,
00:58:36
grew up in that, in that way, in that lifestyle.
00:58:39
And but, you know, he was pretty much the man of the house.
00:58:43
So he was the man of the house, like super early age.
00:58:48
And growing up, like I said, me and my dad never really talked.
00:58:52
And I thought, you know, going up, it was just because, you know, I never really knew
00:58:56
why we didn't talk.
00:58:57
But now I see it's like, well, growing up, what he, he didn't really have a father to
00:59:05
correlate the relationship that we have with each other to, to build off that, you know,
00:59:12
I know some people could look at a situation and turn it into something else.
00:59:18
But in his case, it was just like, he only, he just did what he knew.
00:59:23
And yeah, and we never really, like I said, we never really spoke or anything like that.
00:59:31
But so it was just like, I don't know, I knew it was no emotions with my dad.
00:59:36
There was like no feelings for him.
00:59:38
I remember telling myself, like super, I went super young, I was probably like 12 at this
00:59:43
point.
00:59:45
He actually had like an accident.
00:59:46
It was a malfunction with the car.
00:59:49
And he went up the, he went up the road, he pressed on brakes and it accelerated.
00:59:56
And he ended up like, you know, raking in the ditch or whatever.
00:59:58
And I remember like, I was in neighborhood when it happened, I was outside when it happened.
01:00:04
And there, somebody was coming back down from the, from the hill and it was like, Carlos
01:00:09
has gone to a rick.
01:00:11
And I remember hearing that and literally not feeling anything and I was, and in my mind,
01:00:17
I was like, man, if my dad died, I don't think I would feel anything.
01:00:24
But he didn't end up dying right there.
01:00:26
He was, he was all good.
01:00:27
He just had like a little, you know, a bruised hip or whatever.
01:00:33
So mine, mine of shit.
01:00:35
But like at that point, like I said, when I said that it was like, it was a total disconnect.
01:00:41
Like at that point, right?
01:00:43
It was like, that's when I, that's when I, when reality sat in like, damn, I don't think
01:00:48
me and my dad are like close at all.
01:00:50
You know, that was like, I was 12 years old.
01:00:52
So it was like, you know, it's sinked in like, I don't have a normal relationship with my
01:00:56
pop.
01:00:57
So, you know, fast forward later in life, I'm around like 18, 19.
01:01:04
And this is when I'm in college.
01:01:05
I'm smoking weed at this point.
01:01:08
And his son, like my, my step brother that I referred to as my real brother, like my
01:01:14
full functioning blood brother.
01:01:16
That's my mom son, but my dad also has a son.
01:01:21
And that's my other brother.
01:01:25
And he ended up playing football.
01:01:28
He was real decent in high school.
01:01:31
So he had scouts looking for like Jackson state and all corn.
01:01:37
And I remember he got invited to an all corn game one time and my dad wanted me to go with
01:01:42
them and we took my, my granddad too.
01:01:47
So it was just like a pretty much like a little bonding meal trip basically or whatever.
01:01:51
The first time pretty much in life that, you know, I had this combination of my dad and
01:01:57
my granddad and my brother.
01:02:00
So we're at the all corn game, you know, and this is for him.
01:02:06
We're just, you know, getting used to the stadium, this, that and the third and on the
01:02:11
way back home.
01:02:12
Now at this point in life, I got pretty much addicted to weed to, to the point where before
01:02:18
like social events, I would have to smoke at least one blunt to just, you know, calm
01:02:23
myself down and just, you know, get ready to be an element of other people.
01:02:28
So I ended up smoking before I went.
01:02:31
And like I said, my dad been dealing with weed his whole life.
01:02:34
So I don't even know why or how I could even get this past him, but I also wasn't really
01:02:40
worried about getting caught by him since like I said, he smoked weed.
01:02:43
He smoked weed himself.
01:02:44
So there wasn't too much he could test ties me on if he did catch me.
01:02:49
So I was really more loosely, you know, I was more loose with it around him than I was
01:02:55
with my mom at that point in life.
01:02:57
But um, yeah, man, I remember smoking before we had to go.
01:03:01
It was going to be a long trip, probably by like 15 minutes down the road.
01:03:05
So I ended up smoking before I went.
01:03:08
We took the trip and on the way back, he, uh, everybody is asleep.
01:03:13
It is me and him.
01:03:14
I'm on the passenger.
01:03:15
He's driving.
01:03:16
He said, he just leaned over and he was like, listen, man, if you need to smoke some, just
01:03:21
get some for me.
01:03:22
I want you getting there from anybody else.
01:03:24
Cause it's, I don't know what these people be smoking on these days.
01:03:28
It could be anything, you know.
01:03:30
And, uh, and I just remember looking over like, how do you know I smoke?
01:03:35
He just was like, dude, come on, man.
01:03:37
I've been smoking my whole life.
01:03:39
And at that point it was just like, you know, then we got home that night and I was taking
01:03:46
the trash out.
01:03:47
And usually he's outside chiefing on his blunt, you know, on the phone or whatever.
01:03:52
But, uh, this time I took the garbage out and before I went back inside, he waved towards
01:03:57
me and he, you know, I sat down with him.
01:04:00
I smoked the blunt with him.
01:04:02
We literally bonded over.
01:04:04
We bonded over a blunt man.
01:04:06
That was like the ice breaker right there.
01:04:09
Yeah.
01:04:10
Yeah.
01:04:11
That was literally the ice break.
01:04:12
And it's so years later years.
01:04:14
Like I'm talking about like this was like, I'm pretty much an adult now.
01:04:18
Like I'm 18, 19.
01:04:19
I'm able to make decisions on my own.
01:04:21
I'm driving.
01:04:22
You know, um, you know, I'm, you know, I'm finally molded into myself.
01:04:27
You know, I got my own opinions, my own ways.
01:04:29
And he's just pretty much now looking at the product of what he made.
01:04:32
You know, this is like the man that he made essentially.
01:04:36
So we're talking and like we talk, we talk every day, every single day, every night he
01:04:43
come home from his shift for work.
01:04:45
It'd be like probably like 11 or 12 o'clock and, uh, I'm waiting on him to come home so
01:04:50
we can go smoke and just talk.
01:04:52
And like I said, at that point in life also, I ain't had no friends at all.
01:04:56
Most of my friends were on the, doing on, doing their own thing.
01:04:59
Yeah.
01:05:00
Or, you know, in their own friend group or whatever.
01:05:03
Yeah.
01:05:04
So man, that was literally my dad became my best friend.
01:05:09
Like towards the end of my life.
01:05:10
Wow.
01:05:11
Or not, not what the end of his, but like, at like 18, 19, it was just like, man, that
01:05:17
was, that's all we did.
01:05:19
We smoked and talked, smoked and talked.
01:05:21
And then after a while, like his tax that he'll do that he normally just like, growing
01:05:27
up, he'll just disappear, just, you know, walk out the house and do whatever.
01:05:30
But now he started bringing me with him.
01:05:33
And I see that he'll just be going and doing stuff for his mom or his sister.
01:05:38
He'll be running off the hands of hers, you know, doing like, you know, like, you know,
01:05:42
handyman tasks for him or whatever.
01:05:45
So, uh, yeah.
01:05:46
And we started doing all that, we even started going to the gym with each other and our neighbor.
01:05:51
Like we started doing everything with each other.
01:05:54
And then like I said, I went off to college in the UAB.
01:05:57
And that was my first time moving away from home and, um, probably about like literally
01:06:06
three months into going to class is three months while I'm at UAB.
01:06:11
I'm talking about just figured kind of, I mean, I figured everything out.
01:06:15
Still trying to, you know, make my way around campus and make my way around the city, you
01:06:22
know, learn everything, you know, I'm just now trying to figure all this stuff out.
01:06:28
And, uh, the last conversation we had, because I remember we, he came down not too long ago
01:06:35
to like move in some furniture for us.
01:06:39
And, uh, you know, we went back home a day later, we had a conversation because he looked
01:06:45
tired, he looked gassed.
01:06:48
And then, uh, I was like, man, you need to drink at least about, uh, just drink about
01:06:55
five bottles of water for me.
01:06:57
Because he was like, you know, you know, black men, older black men, especially the diet
01:07:02
part is not right for them.
01:07:04
Like it's like, well, I could speak for at least my household.
01:07:09
My mom made pork chops a lot.
01:07:11
It was drinks around the house.
01:07:13
It's for like Coca-Cola, Sprites or whatever, a sweet tea, you know, just an abundance of
01:07:21
what your body doesn't need, you know.
01:07:23
And he's been eating like that for his whole life.
01:07:26
And, uh, and, uh, I remember we had like a break while I was in UAB.
01:07:31
I'm not sure which break it was.
01:07:33
It's been a blur.
01:07:35
So, uh, that's when he had his first day.
01:07:40
And I now know it had been a heart attack.
01:07:44
He thought it was gas.
01:07:46
He said he had like a subway sandwich and it was someone with the sandwich and maybe,
01:07:51
you know, it's just gas or whatever.
01:07:53
So, um, he was feeling like real discomfort and pain.
01:07:57
And I ain't never really seen him like that.
01:07:59
So I'm like, you know, I'm seeing him sweat.
01:08:01
I'm seeing him like hunched over, just trying to take his breath.
01:08:04
I'm like, man, here, take some tones, get a drink of a bottle of water and we need to
01:08:10
get you to the hospital.
01:08:12
But that male pride kicked in.
01:08:13
He's like, nah, I know, I just gas, you know, it's just gas.
01:08:16
I'm good.
01:08:17
I'm good.
01:08:18
Cause after he took the tones, he had like a long burp.
01:08:20
He was like, yeah, that's dope.
01:08:21
That's the gas right there.
01:08:22
I'm good.
01:08:23
I'm good.
01:08:24
And, uh, you know, me and my mom looking at him like, bro, please just go to the hospital.
01:08:29
Like this isn't, you know what I'm saying?
01:08:30
Like this ain't, this ain't normal.
01:08:33
He was like, no, I'm good.
01:08:34
I'm good.
01:08:35
You know, he slept it off.
01:08:37
And, uh, you know, that's when I like probably like a day later, I went back down to Alabama.
01:08:44
And like I said, this has been like a week up to that point or probably like two, been
01:08:50
a blur.
01:08:51
But like I said, those like the last conversation I had with them is like, I was a man, make
01:08:55
sure you keep drinking your water, you know, keep on your exercise, all this, that is a
01:09:00
thing, you know, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
01:09:03
And then, yeah, like he was probably, it was like a day or two after that, I had a call
01:09:11
from one of my other brothers down there.
01:09:14
He had like five children by himself, you know, before he had one.
01:09:19
But one of my other brothers called me down from Hazelhurst.
01:09:23
He was like, you know, pop gone.
01:09:25
And I was like, yeah, and I didn't, the shock was like literally, I mean, you would talk
01:09:32
about shock.
01:09:33
I just like, all right, I'm gonna call you back.
01:09:35
I hung up and I was on my way to Walmart anyway to make a money order so I could pay rent.
01:09:41
Yeah.
01:09:42
So I'm in Walmart.
01:09:43
Where usually it's like a, like a, like a five minute run.
01:09:47
I just walk right up to the counter and get my money ordered and I'm on out of there.
01:09:52
I'm in Walmart and I'm just like literally just walking around, just walking a day.
01:09:57
And, yeah, I mean, it's like, I'm telling myself, like I'm literally saying out loud,
01:10:04
he didn't say that.
01:10:05
He didn't say that.
01:10:06
He didn't say that.
01:10:07
And I'm just walking around you, walking around Walmart.
01:10:09
And then like I'm getting a buzzes on my phone and one of my cousins who I don't even see
01:10:15
a lot, you know, I don't talk to her much, you know, since, you know, we've been growing
01:10:19
up or whatever.
01:10:21
She asked me, you know, I just seen a message from her like, are you okay?
01:10:25
And that's when I knew I was like, oh yeah.
01:10:27
Yeah.
01:10:28
So, you know, I was like, he gone.
01:10:30
So yeah, man, it was, it was like a super big shock.
01:10:34
Like it was, and I know even now I definitely still like am somewhat grieving because, you
01:10:44
know, I don't, I know I gotta be self aware, but I know for a fact I'm terrible with, you
01:10:50
know, expressing my emotions and, you know, you know, trying to, you know, get all the
01:10:57
right emotions out.
01:10:59
And, you know, I don't know why, but how long ago was this?
01:11:02
Is that exactly?
01:11:04
This was, and that's another thing.
01:11:07
It's like the trauma is made all the memory just disappeared.
01:11:13
But I want to say this was like 2019.
01:11:19
That's fairly recent.
01:11:20
That's fairly recent.
01:11:21
Yeah.
01:11:22
Like I don't, I don't even look at the, the obituary and then like this off.
01:11:27
Like I said, I'm not even sure like the exact date when it happened, you know, like the
01:11:31
trauma is completely trying to wipe the memory away.
01:11:35
But yeah, man, it's.
01:11:37
But isn't, isn't that something how for whatever reason before that happened and you said for
01:11:45
the early, early part of your years you had no relationship, but those last years you
01:11:51
guys just bam, you really bonded.
01:11:54
Yep.
01:11:55
Yep.
01:11:56
That was exactly it.
01:11:57
That was the, that was like probably like the, I don't know.
01:12:01
I'm not always had like this weird look on life.
01:12:05
Like I've had bad luck.
01:12:07
I always told myself, man, I got bad luck and it's like just running joke with me and
01:12:11
my, you know, my, my close brother.
01:12:13
Like he has some of the best luck and I have some of the worst luck.
01:12:18
But like we always compare like these things that happen, but like it just seems like I
01:12:22
always catch bad breaks.
01:12:23
Like with the case, the, the, the 11th grade situation where it first time in a long time,
01:12:29
I'm finally passing the school.
01:12:31
And now the time that I'm passing the school, I'm dealing with a teacher that is making
01:12:37
mistakes on her hand.
01:12:38
And now it's affecting me, but I can't explain to people that it's actually the
01:12:43
teacher making a mistake because up to my whole life I've been making bad grades.
01:12:48
So it's just like things like that, you know, but I've always been catching bad breaks
01:12:54
or whatever.
01:12:55
But at that specific time, like I said, I was still in school, still figuring stuff out.
01:13:01
And I, you know, when it happened, I was still at school and it was the weekend approaching.
01:13:10
And I think it was like a, maybe even a Thursday when it happened or something like that.
01:13:14
So the weekend was already approaching and I went down there for the weekend and I came
01:13:19
right back home and I knew that the funeral was going to be next week or whatever.
01:13:26
But I tried to go to class like immediately, you know, I tried to go right back to class
01:13:30
like, you know, everything was pretty normal.
01:13:32
And I remember sitting in class like a full session in class and it almost felt exactly
01:13:38
like how it felt when I was in class drunk off the extra dry gin.
01:13:44
It was like time was just eating away time, which is moving so quick, so fast.
01:13:49
Like I was not able to process anything that was going on.
01:13:53
And it was like, yo, this is, I don't even know what's going on.
01:13:56
Like I can't even, I can't, I literally can't focus.
01:13:59
And I was trying my hardest to focus.
01:14:01
And I was like, yeah, I just got to, I'm just trying to go back home.
01:14:04
And at that point, you know, like I said, my mom was by herself pretty much and I knew
01:14:09
she needed me.
01:14:10
And I was like, yeah, I'm finished.
01:14:11
Just head back home for a little bit.
01:14:14
And you know, that little bit turned to a lot.
01:14:16
I just never went back to Alabama when it happened because like a certain point, it
01:14:21
had been like a week or two.
01:14:24
And I didn't even tell the Dean what happened.
01:14:26
I didn't tell anybody what happened.
01:14:28
And the only way they knew that some happened to my father was because I was going to school
01:14:35
with my brother that was playing football at the time.
01:14:38
He ended up going to UAB off of scholarship.
01:14:41
So we ended up actually going down there together and we ended up being roommates.
01:14:46
And yeah, so I think that's the only reason they knew that, you know, I was going for
01:14:53
a minute because we both have the same last name.
01:14:56
And yeah.
01:14:58
So they knew, you know, he was out for a reason and I had to be out for some reason.
01:15:03
And I recently, not too long ago, went back and looked at my records online or whatever.
01:15:08
And I have an exemption, you know, from, you know, so I can definitely, you know, work
01:15:13
somehow.
01:15:14
If you ever decide to pick it back up.
01:15:16
Right.
01:15:17
But yeah, man, I can say I just went back home and then like I just, I just stayed there
01:15:23
for the most part.
01:15:24
I wanted to be around my mom as much as possible.
01:15:28
You know, I stayed for the funeral and stuff.
01:15:30
And then after that was just like, excuse me, I can't go back to class.
01:15:35
Like even if I wanted to, I just can't focus for right now.
01:15:39
So I'm just going to take a little break if I, you know, for the time being until my
01:15:44
brain is finally processing again.
01:15:46
But until then I just, yeah, it was, yeah.
01:15:50
That's a, that's a heavy, heavy situation.
01:15:53
How was your, how's your mom holding up?
01:15:55
If you don't mind me asking.
01:15:57
Man, everybody deals with grief like in such a weird way, you know, like it's not even
01:16:04
a way to pinpoint like some people deal with it.
01:16:07
Like they move on quickly or some people deal with it.
01:16:12
Like it's just so weird.
01:16:14
I'm not even, I'm still not even able to gauge on how she's dealing with it.
01:16:20
But from my perspective, it seems like she wants to pretty much just start from a new
01:16:26
place.
01:16:28
Cause I learned later on in life that their relationship really wasn't the best by standards
01:16:35
of a normal marriage, you know, it was one of those situations to where they, they, they
01:16:41
made the best out of their situation for me.
01:16:44
And they didn't want any, you know, any type of disruption from whatever they got going
01:16:49
on affecting me.
01:16:50
But I do remember one part in my life where it was around eighth grade where it was a
01:16:57
weird time in life.
01:16:58
We ended up moving out of our house and I didn't, you know, at that point I was like
01:17:03
11, 12.
01:17:04
So I didn't know like the ends and now so what was going on.
01:17:07
I just knew we were ended up moving and we didn't have a concrete place to stay at the
01:17:12
time.
01:17:13
So me and my mom ended up going to live with my aunt and my brother who I've been living
01:17:19
with my whole life.
01:17:20
He was in college at that time.
01:17:21
He was at Tougaloo college living on campus.
01:17:25
So it was just me and my mom and my dad at the time he ended up moving with his cousin.
01:17:31
So that was the first time they were separated.
01:17:34
Yeah.
01:17:35
And, and that was around a time where like I'm just picking up on certain context clues
01:17:42
and putting the pieces together for myself.
01:17:44
Like, oh, there's, they're not really rocking with each other like that.
01:17:48
You know, they're just trying to, they're trying to maintain everything for me, but,
01:17:53
you know, but at their own demise.
01:17:56
So it was just one of those situations.
01:17:59
And now I know ninth grade when we finally moved out of my aunt house, it was just me
01:18:04
and my mom for a little minute.
01:18:06
And it was just me and her and like this little two bedroom apartment, just, you know, just
01:18:13
making do with what we had and then probably I want to say a year into us being there.
01:18:19
That's when my, when our dad came back and yeah, I remember, I remember at that point
01:18:26
in life, I was pissed off at him.
01:18:28
I was like, you son of a bitch, why would you come back now?
01:18:31
I had things handled.
01:18:32
I was ready to be the man of the house at the, you know, around the ninth grade year
01:18:37
when it was just me and my mom.
01:18:39
So like, I was like, you know, you already, you had your shit going on.
01:18:44
You could just kept doing what you did, you know?
01:18:47
Staying with yourself.
01:18:48
Right.
01:18:49
That's exactly how I felt at that point in life.
01:18:52
So, you know, so before it was the, right after it was like, I don't have any feelings
01:18:59
for you.
01:19:00
It was, it was low key like, man, fuck you after that point in life.
01:19:06
And then, you know, the rest is history, but yeah, man.
01:19:11
To be losing someone that close, that fairly recent and how about for you?
01:19:16
Have you found anything to kind of help you along the way with your, with your healing
01:19:20
and, and, and dealing with it?
01:19:23
So I remember the very first thing that I noticed myself doing to cope with things was
01:19:30
listening to music.
01:19:33
For instance, the, the college year where I first found depression, well, depression
01:19:39
found me, however you want to put it.
01:19:42
It was, are you familiar with Earl Swisher?
01:19:46
Yeah.
01:19:47
Yeah, I know he is.
01:19:48
Man, he has this like 10 minutes song called solace and it's like a compilation of instrumentals
01:19:57
and it's almost like just a form of poetry and some bars and it's, it's, it's beautiful,
01:20:05
but it's like, it's therapy music.
01:20:08
It's like healing music.
01:20:09
You can hear him battling something and then trying to heal finding solace and whatever
01:20:15
he's going through at that time.
01:20:17
So, you know, throughout that whole 10 minutes of the song, you can, you know, pinpoint from
01:20:21
where he's feeling, you know, at his words to where he's trying to find his way.
01:20:26
And I remember when I was like super lonely, terribly down, didn't have nothing to do.
01:20:33
I would go to sleep.
01:20:34
Damn near like literally crying to that song and just fall asleep to it.
01:20:39
And that's like, that was like, it'll be on repeat, on repeat until I fall asleep.
01:20:43
And that'll be my, like, that was like my first way of like coping through anything.
01:20:49
And I remember like, you know, whenever he passed away, it was just a lot of instrumentals
01:20:56
playing in my head, a lot of like just soft, somber music.
01:21:01
And you know, it was like, I wanted to listen to solace again, but like in another way,
01:21:09
like from me, essentially.
01:21:11
So that's, that's pretty much what I landed on.
01:21:14
And at that point, I had my MacBook for school because my mom ended up giving me a MacBook
01:21:20
because I was in class down in Alabama without a computer.
01:21:25
We was in English.
01:21:27
And I had to leave the class because they were taking the test and I didn't have a computer.
01:21:31
I had to go to the library and I was like, yeah, this ain't the move.
01:21:34
I got to get a computer.
01:21:35
But I ended up having a computer.
01:21:38
You know, I went right back to the good old trustee garage band.
01:21:42
Same thing circle back to when we first had MacBooks and it all, it led back to music,
01:21:48
man.
01:21:49
It just led back to me wanting to just like, with that, with that whole, with that whole
01:21:55
incident, it's like, you already have your mind racing, you know, 24 seven all throughout
01:22:01
the day about all these different things.
01:22:03
So, you know, I'm a victim of being in my own head anyway.
01:22:09
And I'm a bit of overthinker.
01:22:12
So I'll have to do certain times where I just have to just either go sit in the room by
01:22:19
myself and literally talk to myself and literally just get things out and get things, say it
01:22:25
off my chest or, you know, a better form or a cooler form.
01:22:30
I would think would just be to literally like write poetry or, you know, listen to music
01:22:36
because listening to music is already therapeutic.
01:22:38
Just instrumentals where you listen to all these different instruments and it just walks
01:22:43
into the music.
01:22:45
That's already just like, I can do that for hours.
01:22:47
I'm on the day.
01:22:49
But when you listen to those instrumentals and you have all these thoughts in your head
01:22:53
and you're overthinking, your brain just naturally just clings on to the music.
01:23:00
And here you are just freestyle in your head.
01:23:02
And you like, man, like what is this?
01:23:04
Like you almost get possessed in a sense because you will say these things that make sense.
01:23:11
And it rhymes.
01:23:12
It's on beat.
01:23:13
And it's like, how can I even say that on beat and why I'm even, I don't even know how
01:23:18
to put those words together myself.
01:23:20
So that's when I started writing things down.
01:23:23
That's when I started to listen to music and write.
01:23:26
And you know, I didn't know I was writing music, but I'm just sitting here just like
01:23:32
putting my thoughts on paper as this tailored to this beat.
01:23:36
And so that's when I started just, you know, rapping again.
01:23:40
But at this time it wasn't just like, oh, I'm bored.
01:23:44
Let me just start, you know, let me, you know, it's a popularity contest at school or who
01:23:48
could put out the best music.
01:23:49
It was, it was none of that.
01:23:50
It was just like, this is my thoughts on paper, just expressed on this beat.
01:23:56
And so, you know, that's, I'm gonna say probably like a week after his funeral, I was writing
01:24:00
and listening to music.
01:24:01
Did that feel like a big relief?
01:24:12
A relief for you in a sense?
01:24:14
I mean, that's a heavy enough situation that you're dealing with.
01:24:17
But the fact that you were, you felt like you were able to let yourself speak through
01:24:22
the music and then your expression coming through every time you listened to an instrument
01:24:27
or was that a form of relief in a way?
01:24:30
It was absolutely like an escape for me.
01:24:33
It was like all the pressures that, you know, I had to deal with in real life.
01:24:38
And I'm in another world when I'm listening to music or when I'm writing to music.
01:24:42
It's like, I'm not even really on earth dealing with all the stuff that I dealt with, you
01:24:49
know, when I'm not having this music in my ears, you know, it's like when the music
01:24:54
in my ears, it's like a whole, like it's, it's like a barrier between the real world
01:25:00
and the music world.
01:25:02
So absolutely I found relief in doing it, especially like saying stuff that I didn't
01:25:07
even know I wanted to say.
01:25:09
You know, like I said, I'm just going according to my mind.
01:25:13
I'm not just when I'm freestyle and I'm not just actively saying words like how I'm saying
01:25:17
them now, it's just all in the head.
01:25:19
So you know, I'm just writing down what my mind is.
01:25:21
It's like the subconscious is speaking.
01:25:23
It's coming from somewhere deeper.
01:25:25
Exactly.
01:25:26
That's why I say, I feel like I'm possessed sometimes when I say some of these things
01:25:29
I say, because I'm like, how do I even think of that?
01:25:32
How did it even come about?
01:25:33
So, so yeah.
01:25:34
And it was especially like, I just, you know, dealing with what I dealt with, you know, there
01:25:39
had to been some, a lot of things bottled up.
01:25:42
So, you know, I just, it was definitely the biggest relief that I could do because talking
01:25:47
to people at that point in time, it was super difficult.
01:25:51
You know, it was super difficult talking to people, you know, you know, I would, you
01:25:54
know, consult my mother, talk to her, but it would be, it would be hard to, you know,
01:25:59
to face that music and, you know, you look at her in her face and actually see the pain
01:26:05
and, you know, the trauma that she's going through and she's probably looking at it from
01:26:10
my standpoint too.
01:26:11
Like, you know, this boy just lost his father and, you know, it's, it's, it's, yeah, it
01:26:16
was rough.
01:26:17
So rather than dealing with that, I knew I had to do that, but I would rather just, you
01:26:23
know, face myself with the music rather than, you know, talk to anybody about what was going
01:26:30
on and express my emotions to them because it just was, I don't know, it felt weird too.
01:26:36
It felt unnatural.
01:26:37
Yeah.
01:26:38
That's so important.
01:26:39
Just to have a medium to express yourself.
01:26:43
I know I have a problem with that myself.
01:26:45
Like I'll shut down and bottle things up.
01:26:47
And like I was telling you, this for me is, is therapeutic to listen to people's stories
01:26:52
to connect in that sense, but just that the, the fact that somebody has a medium to express
01:26:59
yourself and it just to let go of all the emotions, I think that's important.
01:27:04
That's a lot better and a lot healthier than just bottling it up and, you know, just pushing
01:27:09
it down because that, that really does no good in the long term.
01:27:12
Right.
01:27:13
Right.
01:27:14
And, you know, that's something like I said, I knew that was a problem of mine anyways.
01:27:19
And when I had my brother, you know, my blood brother pointed out was, you know, we had
01:27:26
a lot of trauma even after that, after my father passed, you know, my uncle passed, you know,
01:27:31
not too long after him.
01:27:33
And I remember we were in, we were in a room together and I was just, you know, I was
01:27:39
emotionless, you know, it was at that point was just like, you know, this is just a part
01:27:43
of life.
01:27:44
You know, it's not like that I expected, but it's like, I can't be, it's like, I'm
01:27:49
almost numb to it now, you know, and I was close with my uncle, but it was just like,
01:27:54
man, I just, it's just, it is what it is.
01:27:57
And he noticed that I wasn't handling my emotions properly because even though I know for a
01:28:06
fact that I'm sad and I'm grieving about it, it's just that now that my grief is like,
01:28:12
it's a bad way to express my emotions with, with holding everything back and pretty much
01:28:19
being emotionless.
01:28:20
So he even told me, he was like, hey, man, you got to, you got to handle your emotions
01:28:24
better, you know, it's okay to cry.
01:28:26
And I was just like, man, I would if I could, but it's just like, like, it's just like another
01:28:32
feeling, it's just numbness now.
01:28:34
Yeah.
01:28:35
You plan on doing it with the music that you record, are you recording it?
01:28:38
Do you plan like maybe to put a little something together, a compilation or a disc?
01:28:43
Man, it's so crazy.
01:28:45
I got so much out.
01:28:47
Oh, do you?
01:28:48
Okay.
01:28:49
I'm only on SoundCloud, though.
01:28:50
I don't do the whole profit thing, like put it out on Apple Music because the only reason
01:28:56
why I do put it out and share it is because I do have like a certain group of people who
01:29:02
I do share my music with and I do, you know, I stuck my neck out there and finally, you
01:29:08
know, told them, you know, this is what I do.
01:29:11
And that's something in itself, right?
01:29:13
Because it's like, maybe for you, it was like, this is more for me.
01:29:17
Right.
01:29:18
And I don't really plan on blowing up or anything with it.
01:29:22
Exactly.
01:29:23
Exactly.
01:29:24
But it's a weird thing because like I said, I did it back in high school, man.
01:29:30
That was like, that was also an introduction for a lot of my friends at the time of me
01:29:37
because like a lot of the people that know me now from then was from music.
01:29:44
And you know, they will always tell me that I'm way better than what I think I am because
01:29:52
everybody that I let hear my music, it's always the same reaction because I cringe myself when
01:29:59
I tell people, amen, you know, I make music here and there because, you know, everybody
01:30:03
in today's time, there's an over saturation with it.
01:30:06
Everybody is pretty much a rapper.
01:30:08
Everybody's gonna be talking about almost the same things.
01:30:10
But when they hear one of my songs, it's like, oh, shit.
01:30:14
You actually, I'm like, yeah.
01:30:16
I'm like, I'm not on there.
01:30:19
Yeah, that's right.
01:30:20
Yeah.
01:30:21
So it's like, yeah.
01:30:22
If you don't mind, you can always share it.
01:30:24
You can share it with me offline.
01:30:26
You can share it with me online and then I can leave a link so people could check it out.
01:30:30
I mean, I'm a little curious, but yeah, I definitely, I definitely, if I will, I definitely do it
01:30:36
offline since I don't know how to do it right now.
01:30:39
Okay.
01:30:40
I don't know what I'm messing up the flow.
01:30:42
But yeah, man, it's definitely, like I said, I've drawn comparisons from like the weird
01:30:51
people in hip hop or the conscious people in hip hop.
01:30:54
I'd say I definitely had a big crit comparisons or a sweatshirt.
01:30:59
Tolerative creator.
01:31:00
I've had comparisons to pretty much like just a lot of different people, you know, but yeah,
01:31:07
man.
01:31:08
So that has been your main medium to help deal with the grief and the loss and to help
01:31:15
you during this time in your life?
01:31:18
Absolutely.
01:31:19
It was starting off just getting things off my chest in a manner of like how I was dealing
01:31:24
with my father's loss.
01:31:25
And I actually, that was my first EP.
01:31:28
I put out an EP called, damn, the EP before I died.
01:31:36
And it wasn't like a whole like, you know, suicidal thing, but it was just like, I always
01:31:42
wanted to do music.
01:31:44
I've always wanted to, you know, put something out, but I never really had a plan or wanted
01:31:51
to, you know, blow up or make it a living off of it, you know.
01:31:55
So that's why I pretty much named it EP before I died because, you know, I'm sharing this
01:32:01
music on SoundCloud.
01:32:02
It's free for anybody to see whatever.
01:32:05
This is for all the people who, you know, it's for anybody who want to listen to it
01:32:09
before, you know, this could be my one and only, but this is definitely one of the pieces
01:32:15
of art that I want to leave you before I check out.
01:32:18
Like this is something that's been on my bucket list since a child, since hearing my first
01:32:22
piece of music.
01:32:23
I was like, man, I really want to do this.
01:32:25
So you can hang your head on that and say that this is something that I finally was able
01:32:29
to pursue and complete.
01:32:31
Exactly.
01:32:32
Exactly.
01:32:33
And then I was like, well, it turned into just like, you know, an outlet for my emotions
01:32:37
turning to just a hobby because after a while it's just like, well, anything that you do,
01:32:42
you're going to get better at and you're going to start to notice it yourself because you're
01:32:47
going to, you know, especially with something you can easily keep tab on like with the podcast
01:32:51
or music from yourself.
01:32:54
And then you can.
01:32:56
You could reference back to it and then you can tweak it, make adjustments and then you
01:33:00
can, yeah, you can be your own critique.
01:33:03
You're critic.
01:33:04
Exactly.
01:33:05
So that's exactly what started to happen, man.
01:33:07
Like that first one, after I, you know, put it out and heard it, it was, you know, beautiful
01:33:11
lyrics and all this, but the mixing was terrible.
01:33:15
I'm like, I hate listening to it, but I love listening to it.
01:33:18
So next time I'll make sure that I mix it a little better.
01:33:21
So the next time around I mixed a little better was talking about, you know, different subject
01:33:25
matters.
01:33:26
And it was like, I kind of just love doing this now.
01:33:28
So then I just started making it as like a sport.
01:33:32
And it was just like, okay, let's see how can, you know, what would be my album?
01:33:37
What would be, you know, my first mix tape or album cover or what would the name be?
01:33:42
What would the concept be?
01:33:43
What would you be speaking about?
01:33:45
And then that's when I made something called a create a wrestler.
01:33:50
Okay.
01:33:51
Now you're experimenting with it.
01:33:53
So exactly.
01:33:54
I was just drawing things from what shaped me as a child.
01:33:57
I remember getting into wrestling from being in my great grandma house and her having a
01:34:02
boyfriend and his name was Papa Charlie.
01:34:05
And he would come over on weekends only Fridays and drop off a lot of produce, a lot of fruits
01:34:12
and vegetables and goodies.
01:34:14
And then he'll sit down and watch Friday Night Smackdown.
01:34:18
And that was my introduction to wrestling, man.
01:34:20
But I've always been like a wrestling fan my whole life.
01:34:24
The reason I got dredged right now is because I always wanted to long here like Shawn Michaels
01:34:29
and Edge and Jeff Hardy.
01:34:32
So I always wanted to, you know, I was watching it back in a day with the Legion of Doom,
01:34:38
the junkyard dog.
01:34:40
I ultimate warrior.
01:34:42
That was my guy.
01:34:43
I was, I was a bit, my brother used to like Hulk Hogan and I was a big ultimate warrior
01:34:46
fan.
01:34:47
Yeah, man.
01:34:48
Oh, the golden days of wrestling.
01:34:49
And that generation all the way up to like the stone cold and the rock generation that
01:34:54
that was the golden days of wrestling, man.
01:34:56
So I always been a fan of that.
01:34:59
And that was like the main thing I could naturally talk about, you know, and draw like references
01:35:05
to when I was speaking in terms of music.
01:35:08
So that whole tape, that whole like album collection of music, whatever you want to
01:35:11
call it was just about like certain points and moments in my life and referencing it to
01:35:17
a certain wrestler.
01:35:19
I remember one line was, I take a beating, taking a beating from life, but just pretty
01:35:25
much doing it with a smile on your face, like, you know, or, or, you know, putting on a face
01:35:32
for certain people, even though, you know, this isn't what you really are, you know.
01:35:37
But I drew reference to all sorts of wrestlers like Mr. Perfect.
01:35:42
You know how he's perfect for everybody outside the ring.
01:35:45
But, you know, he ended up like his real life, his real life story, you know, he ended up
01:35:51
like overdosing on drugs or whatever.
01:35:53
But it didn't know.
01:35:55
Yeah.
01:35:56
Yeah.
01:35:57
He overdosed on cocaine.
01:35:58
Oh, wow.
01:35:59
So it was a complete contrast to what he was playing in the ring.
01:36:02
Exactly.
01:36:03
Exactly.
01:36:04
So, you know, it would just be different wrestlers that I'd be referenced to and it would correlate
01:36:09
to my life.
01:36:10
And, uh, yeah, that would be that was my first concept album.
01:36:14
And after that, it was like, man, you know, and I'll show that to different people and
01:36:18
that would be like, yo, you are doing it.
01:36:21
You know, you should be actually on a bigger, yeah, you should be on a bigger scale or actually,
01:36:27
you know, like you said, stick with it and, and, and better yourself, buy a better microphone,
01:36:33
you know, go ahead and download that software from, uh, from Logic Pro that costs a lot of
01:36:38
money because you're going to benefit from it.
01:36:40
Yeah.
01:36:41
And you can, you can consider it an investment, especially because it's something that you
01:36:47
enjoy and naturally you, you get something out of it.
01:36:51
It's not like a, um, it's not like a task or you got to force yourself to do it.
01:36:56
So naturally you're going to want to do it anyways.
01:36:58
And with that practice comes you polishing up your craft and, you know, yeah, you, you
01:37:05
becoming better at it with time.
01:37:06
Yeah, man.
01:37:08
So, you know, and that was, um, like I tried to, uh, and I kept up with the sense of, um,
01:37:15
improving with that.
01:37:16
Like it's like a debt creator wrestler.
01:37:18
It's like a series.
01:37:19
I've done one and I've done two and I, and I'm trying to crank out a three sooner or
01:37:24
later, but, you know, hearing the difference of one in two, it's like, oh man, you can
01:37:29
definitely hit a progression.
01:37:30
It's just the longer you do something, you're going to get better at it.
01:37:34
It's, it's, it's an amazing journey to see from where I started it to where I am now.
01:37:41
That's good to hear that you even found, um, relief and you found a way that you can deal
01:37:47
with your loss that you had to experience recently.
01:37:51
You want to share that SoundCloud information and then I'll put it in the description box
01:37:55
so anybody listening, if they, if they're in the hip hop and they want to lend an ear
01:37:59
and see what you have going on, then that's cool.
01:38:01
Yeah, man, I got to do a way better, uh, better job at putting all my stuff in the right
01:38:07
places.
01:38:08
Just scattered around, but I know for a fact one of them, one of the main pages that I
01:38:11
do post on is just, uh, SoundCloud.
01:38:13
Yes, sir.
01:38:14
It was, uh, Kristen Varderman.
01:38:16
This is my first and last name.
01:38:17
Uh, it's a weird, it's a weird last name, but Varderman V as in vanilla, A-R-D-A-M-A-N.
01:38:26
Okay.
01:38:27
Boom.
01:38:28
There it is right there.
01:38:29
Yeah, man.
01:38:30
I'm not speaking to that, but anything else you're involved with, I know you said you
01:38:33
have a podcast.
01:38:34
Are you doing that regularly, regularly still?
01:38:36
Yeah, man.
01:38:37
I actually, uh, I think I'm, uh, the episode should be posting today.
01:38:40
I post usually on every Tuesday.
01:38:43
I found out.
01:38:44
Okay.
01:38:45
You're active with it.
01:38:46
Yeah, man.
01:38:47
I found that weird little scheduling by accident.
01:38:48
You know, I never really wanted to come out and say here, I'm a post on every Thursday
01:38:53
or every whatever.
01:38:54
It's just kind of whatever day it feels on.
01:38:56
But for some reason I've been real free on the Monday and then I'll, you know, post
01:39:01
it on the next day.
01:39:02
So that's the get right for the week.
01:39:04
Oh yeah.
01:39:05
I guess it kind of feel like that, man.
01:39:09
So yeah, that I, um, I work on a podcast.
01:39:12
It's called straight talk, like straight bullets, but just straight talk.
01:39:16
Straight bullets, straight talk.
01:39:17
Okay.
01:39:18
Yes, sir.
01:39:19
And it's just a podcast about a college dropout who talks about eating everything, man.
01:39:23
You know, there's no certain time.
01:39:24
All right.
01:39:25
So I was just, you know, going on rant about certain stuff, speaking my mind about certain
01:39:30
things.
01:39:31
Um, I got like a petition part of the pod where I just act as if I'm starting to petition
01:39:37
about something that I really want to be passed and, you know, want the people to give behind
01:39:42
and I'll do certain stuff like, um, read advice, help from Reddit as if I'm answering the
01:39:49
advice from myself, but, uh, just everything.
01:39:53
Okay.
01:39:54
Right.
01:39:55
Like, like I was telling you in the beginning, I really appreciate when, when people share
01:40:00
something personal, something, um, real sensitive about themselves.
01:40:04
So right now just thank you for wanting to be a part of the show and then on top of that,
01:40:10
showing some sharing something with the listeners as far as you losing someone so close and
01:40:14
how you were able to, you know, slow, it's a process.
01:40:17
I mean, that 2019, that's very recent, but you're, you're dealing with it.
01:40:22
You're working through it and you found your joy and you found a bit of happiness and,
01:40:27
and some drive back in you through music.
01:40:30
So that, that's a, that's a beautiful thing.
01:40:32
So I want to just first, first of all, just thank you for wanting to get on the platform
01:40:37
and share that with all of us today.
01:40:39
I appreciate that.
01:40:40
Yeah, man.
01:40:41
I appreciate you.
01:40:42
I want to thank you for giving people like me a voice to even, you know, speak on certain
01:40:48
things and, and, and, and, you know, normal people that were like everyday people with
01:40:52
everyday stories.
01:40:53
Like, that is so important.
01:40:56
What you're doing, man, because a lot of times in these spaces, you're, a lot of people
01:41:00
only want to hear from people that are already established, but man, the people that you
01:41:05
don't know their stories or just as important or if not more important than the stories
01:41:10
that you hear from the people that you already know, because who knows somebody like me or
01:41:15
somebody like you, the story isn't over yet.
01:41:18
You know, I can definitely, definitely gaze success is going to come from the, I'm going
01:41:24
to speak for the both of us, man.
01:41:26
I definitely look for a fact that you're on your way to some bigger success and bigger
01:41:30
things.
01:41:31
So like I said, I want to appreciate them.
01:41:33
I really want to thank you for this, man.
01:41:35
Appreciate this.
01:41:36
Like a therapy session of my own.
01:41:37
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:41:39
Likewise.
01:41:40
And I appreciate, I respect what you're doing.
01:41:41
I respect how you were able to get through those college years, the way that you did
01:41:46
and embrace.
01:41:48
That's, that's, that's another thing that stuck out.
01:41:50
And I said that once, but, and I asked you this in the beginning, did you see it as a
01:41:56
handicap or did you see it as something that was beneficial?
01:41:59
But when you changed universities or colleges and you ended up in, I think you said it was
01:42:06
Alabama and you were by yourself, you found yourself by yourself again.
01:42:10
I mean, it could have been one of those things where it's either fight or flight.
01:42:14
And it's like, you know what, this ain't for me, I'm not dealing with this again.
01:42:17
I'm getting to have a lot of here, but you went ahead and embraced it.
01:42:22
And then that was the time when you started to use that, that alone time and you started
01:42:28
to use it to benefit yourself and to do things that if it was studied, the nutrition, the
01:42:34
way that you did, because it seemed like every time you applied yourself, when you actually
01:42:38
applied yourself to the schoolwork, you were, you were passing it with flying colors.
01:42:42
So I mean, that was there.
01:42:43
It was just the fact that if you were actually passionate about what it was, you were, you
01:42:49
know, putting in front of you.
01:42:50
Right.
01:42:51
And it seems like once you do have something that you are passionate about your go getter
01:42:55
and you're going to make it happen one way or the other.
01:42:57
Right.
01:42:58
You know, and that should be the way for everybody, man.
01:43:01
They don't, don't, you know, put yourself in the box or subject yourself to whatever
01:43:06
you think it is you want to do.
01:43:08
Maybe it's maybe for other people's approval or maybe it's because you want to, you know,
01:43:13
I don't know, but just make sure the most important thing is do what you are passionate
01:43:18
about.
01:43:19
And it could be something that doesn't generate a lot of income.
01:43:22
If you're passionate about it one way or another, your blessings going to find you.
01:43:27
So just stick with it and, and please don't give up on whatever it is you really want
01:43:31
to do.
01:43:32
You already took it in that direction because I was just going to ask you if there was something
01:43:36
you would like to leave people off with and also like say you're still dealing with it
01:43:42
in your own way, but say anything you would, you would have to say about somebody who recently
01:43:47
lost a loved one and any kind of words or something that I know just having a medium
01:43:53
in general to have an outlet and express yourself and to not bottle up so much of our emotion
01:43:58
and feelings, but if there's anything you can tell us, tell it related somebody out
01:44:03
there that may, may be going through something as far as losing someone as close to them.
01:44:09
Oh yeah, that is, I mean, it's like you can't predict it or when it's going to happen to
01:44:15
anybody.
01:44:16
I mean, that's just one of those, that's one of those things that you don't have control
01:44:19
over.
01:44:20
So already you can't, you know, put too much on yourself from, from that stance as it is,
01:44:26
you know.
01:44:27
I remember struggling a little bit, you know, from kind of like reflecting on man, I wonder
01:44:34
if I really could have got him to go to the hospital that night, but at the same time,
01:44:39
there was, you know, there was only a certain part that was in my control.
01:44:43
I laid out that, you know, that they're offering that help, but, you know, due to his own, you
01:44:48
know, pride and demand, he said, you know, it was nothing that he wanted to do about
01:44:54
it, just, you know, sleep it off.
01:44:55
So, you know, at the end of the day, it's just, you got to process it with just something
01:45:01
that is going to happen one way or another.
01:45:05
But with everything in life, with any loss, with any traumatic event, with any bad thing
01:45:10
that happens to you, unless you are yourself dying from it, you're going to use it as a
01:45:18
stepping stone and a situation to grow from.
01:45:20
You know, my father passing away was super unfortunate, but at the end of the day, it's
01:45:25
only going to make me more of a man.
01:45:27
You know, it's going to speed up the process of me maturing more than how it would have
01:45:35
been if he was still here.
01:45:36
You know, I probably would have still been, you know, holding on his hand about certain
01:45:41
things in life, but now I'm figuring out things fairly fast on my own.
01:45:46
And you know, that's something that, that's one thing that I hate my head on to be proud
01:45:50
of myself about.
01:45:51
And for somebody who has low self esteem, low confidence, who don't really pat himself
01:45:56
on the back a lot, that's one thing that I do take my time to just, you know, sit back
01:46:01
and say, man, you know, you're doing a real good job on, you know, continuing this life
01:46:06
thing, you know, without your dad.
01:46:09
This is, there's, there's a bad part where it could have got there, but you, you're not
01:46:15
in that part.
01:46:16
So, you know, just use it to keep growing and use it to your advantage.
01:46:20
And everybody's story is not over.
01:46:22
So, you know, the end of the book and the end of the page could be something real special.
01:46:28
You just got to get there.
01:46:29
So keep going, man.
01:46:30
And, you know, it's also like you had the last years of his life, he had the experience
01:46:38
and enjoy with you, his son.
01:46:41
And then you said it was during those times that it was like you, you two were best friends
01:46:46
and it was, there was a day that went by where you two weren't hanging out, spending time
01:46:51
with each other and, and building.
01:46:53
And that's a beautiful thing right there that, that his last years were spent with his son
01:46:58
bonding in a, in a real way.
01:47:00
Right.
01:47:01
Right.
01:47:02
I mean, for me, that's, that's, that's a good end of the book, you know, because it
01:47:06
could have went another way, you know, so.
01:47:09
Yeah.
01:47:10
Here's, here's one, just, just to leave off on a good note, just shooting from the hip.
01:47:17
Chris, give me, give me three things today.
01:47:21
I know it's early over there, but three things today that you're thankful for.
01:47:25
Oh man, three things I'm thankful for.
01:47:28
I'm thankful for a platform like this to express myself on and this could be reaching
01:47:34
to the right people.
01:47:36
And whoever may need to hear something like this may hear it and it could alter, you know,
01:47:42
a decision.
01:47:43
It could, you know, make it for, make whatever decision they're about to make for the better.
01:47:47
It could benefit them.
01:47:48
So I'm thankful for that.
01:47:50
I'm thankful for that possibility.
01:47:52
I'm also thankful for, I mean, it's a nice day right now.
01:47:56
Yeah, small or tall.
01:47:58
Yeah, you know, it's pretty nice right now.
01:48:02
You know, it's not like an asteroid coming to hit earth or not like I don't have any
01:48:08
of my senses working.
01:48:09
I'm breathing, I'm walking, I can hear, I can see, I can smell.
01:48:13
So I'm thankful for all of that.
01:48:15
But most importantly, the last thing I'm thankful for is like the story getting able to continue
01:48:22
like just me writing another day in the book.
01:48:25
So, you know, I'm interested and excited to see where I'm about to go in life.
01:48:32
And years prior, I was not excited and interested to see where I'm about to be in life.
01:48:37
So, you know, I'm very thankful that now I have a different outlook on life to where
01:48:44
I'm excited for whatever is to come, good or bad.
01:48:48
And that right there, that is a beautiful thing in itself.
01:48:52
Chris.
01:48:53
Thank you so much for your time, your story.
01:48:56
Man, I really appreciate it.
01:48:58
And I know you have nothing but good things down the line waiting for you.
01:49:03
You just got to go get them.
01:49:05
Oh, yes, that's the main thing.
01:49:08
That's the main thing.
01:49:09
I should really appreciate you for having me on though, man.
01:49:11
All right, right on.
01:49:16
I hope everybody listening has enjoyed the stories as much as I've had.
01:49:21
Being able to connect with everybody who's been a part of the show so far and share their
01:49:28
stories because this show is about the human experience and everything that it involves.
01:49:35
The struggle, the pain, the hurt, the trials and tribulations that we all face in our own
01:49:41
unique way.
01:49:42
But not only that, it's about triumph, success, victories, overcoming, beating the odds, creating
01:49:50
a better tomorrow.
01:49:52
And Chris falls in that category from struggling as a young man trying to navigate through
01:49:58
life and trying to figure out what it is he wants to do, what he's passionate about,
01:50:03
and not faking the fun and doing it just for the sake of doing it.
01:50:07
That, I can respect.
01:50:08
It seemed like every time he applied himself, he was passing with flying colors.
01:50:14
Chris had to deal with the loss of his father.
01:50:17
And it's crazy to think that for the majority of his life, for so long, him and his father
01:50:24
had a disconnection that was silent.
01:50:27
But those last few years that came together, there was a bond, a strong bond from when it
01:50:34
sounded like that they formed.
01:50:36
And that's something I'm sure Chris can appreciate.
01:50:39
He could cherish.
01:50:40
And those memories are something that are going to last him a lifetime.
01:50:45
That's a beautiful thing.
01:50:47
That the last few years of his father's life, he was able to enjoy it with his son in a
01:50:53
genuine and real way.
01:50:57
Chris also found music, poetry, expressing himself over instrumentals a way to cope with
01:51:04
the loss of his father.
01:51:06
It was therapy for him in a sense.
01:51:08
And you can check out his music on SoundCloud.
01:51:11
I'll be leaving a link in the description box so you can, so you can check out what
01:51:15
he's doing and give him an ear.
01:51:18
Thank you again for sharing your story with us.
01:51:20
I wish you all the success with whatever it is you go after.
01:51:25
Keep at it and stay at it.
01:51:27
In my eyes, you are a giant amongst us.
01:51:32
And I'd like to give a special shout out to Fry for always reaching out to me and giving
01:51:38
some good input and feedback and creative ways to help grow the show.
01:51:43
And also with leaving names and links with people that I should try hooking up with and
01:51:49
people that are possibly a good fit for the show.
01:51:53
Appreciate that.
01:51:54
You can always check him out on YouTube.
01:51:56
I'll leave a link to his YouTube channel and what he's doing in the description box
01:52:01
so you can, so you can listen to his music.
01:52:04
And if you play the guitar, he can help develop that magic strum that you've always wanted.
01:52:10
And a big thank you to Pepper Ann.
01:52:12
She's been very helpful with sharing contacts and helping to connect me with people who
01:52:18
she's come across, people that she knows and she's spoken with who have interesting stories
01:52:23
and who knows hopefully in the near future, we can link up, connect and share their story.
01:52:30
And one more big thank you to Momose, my name is Lee Bling.
01:52:35
Thank you so much for always being supportive and sharing these stories with your circle
01:52:41
and people that you know.
01:52:42
I really do appreciate that.
01:52:44
And thanks to all the listeners, everybody from all corners of the globe.
01:52:49
Thank you for tuning in.
01:52:50
Leave a review, give a rating, share it with your neighbor.
01:52:54
That review with that rating could be good or bad.
01:52:57
It's all good with me.
01:52:58
You can also check us out on Instagram.
01:53:01
I've recently started up a profile so you can shoot the breeze with me there, share
01:53:06
your thoughts.
01:53:07
Let me know what you think about the show or just connect either in any way.
01:53:13
And before we check out, if you like to be a part of the show to share your story or
01:53:20
even a story of someone in your life that has impacted you in a positive way, you can
01:53:25
always reach out to me via email and I'd be happy to connect.
01:53:30
Until next time and very soon.
01:53:34
Peace.