My Experience With Plant Medicine (Syrian Rue) || In Between The Stories

[00:00:04] We interrupt this program to bring you a special report.

[00:00:22] I'd like to welcome you all back to the show. This is episode number 38. And usually I'd get right into the spill, but I want you guys to enjoy this with me. So I'm going to let this song breathe all the way out. Be back in a minute.

[00:01:24] We can change it from the edges. We can challenge all of us. There's always a new order. This proceeding is always changing. We are free from what prevents us to realize our destination.

[00:05:18] That's a beautiful, beautiful song. And I felt it was only right to set the tone with that. I've had it on repeat since I've been back this past week.

[00:05:29] The first of November, actually. I was gifted. I was blessed. It was an early birthday present for my wife. And it was so that I could partake in an ayahuasca retreat.

[00:05:43] It's something that I always felt that I wanted to do from a long, long time ago, even when my head probably wasn't in the best of places.

[00:05:51] But it's something that piqued my interest. And I don't know if you've guys heard the conversation that I shared not too long ago with Alan,

[00:06:00] Alan Wilson, who talked about his own experiences with Ayahuasca and a lot of ways that he was able to find healing, that he was able to find meaning.

[00:06:10] And he was able to even reconcile a lot of relationships in his life and just the relationship that he had with himself and the world,

[00:06:18] the world that is happening around him, the world that is happening around us in a time when things seem to be unstable,

[00:06:26] when things seem to be changing at an ever increasing speed that can cause for anxiety, that can cause for fear,

[00:06:36] that can cause for a hopeless or helpless spirit inside of us that can, if we're not careful, bring us down and lead us into a pit of depression

[00:06:46] or just a pessimistic and nihilistic way of looking at life and seeing through a lens that's tainted, distorted, blackened.

[00:06:57] So, yeah, I'm fresh back. Well, it's been about a week or so. And yeah, it was a it was a beautiful experience.

[00:07:05] It was a once in a lifetime experience. It was profound in a lot of ways.

[00:07:11] And that's the whole point of me having this story in between the stories, because I do have a story that I'm going to release and publish this upcoming week.

[00:07:19] So you all be on the lookout for that. You know, you can get early access if you follow the links in the show notes.

[00:07:26] You'll find information to get to the website where you'll be able to listen to past stories, where you'll be able to hear past experiences, past guests and connect with them in your own personal and special way.

[00:07:41] And maybe one of those stories and some of their words resonate with you.

[00:07:46] You'll also be able to reach out to us if you so choose. Send a voice note. Let us know how you feel.

[00:07:53] You can send an email, drop a line, express any thoughts or feelings you have about the show, where you're listening from, how you're listening to the show, how you found us.

[00:08:04] We're always happy to hear back from you all. I've received some nice emails, some encouraging and warm emails.

[00:08:13] And and I've met some really cool people along the way doing this podcast and just trying to build something meaningful and bring a little bit of light, hope and inspiration back into the lives of whoever this happens to cross.

[00:08:31] And you guys, please feel free to share your thoughts, share some of your heart with me.

[00:08:38] And we're going to experience this together. If this is your first time coming across the show, stumbling upon this podcast.

[00:08:46] Welcome, first of all, and kick your feet up. Please do stay a while.

[00:08:52] What we do here is we celebrate the resilient human spirit.

[00:08:59] This show Giants Amongst Us is about people, excuse me, from all walks of life who have different upbringings, who come from different cultures and environments and have had their own challenges and struggles.

[00:09:14] They've been through the fire in their own way.

[00:09:18] They've had their own hurdles to go over, stumbling blocks and fears and doubts and a lot of the emotions that we all deal with.

[00:09:27] But the commonality between all of them is that they were able to transcend these struggles, these challenges, these problems.

[00:09:34] They found that that hope. They found that inspiration.

[00:09:38] They found that ability to start changing their behaviors and thought patterns and ways of life and perspective and actions and habits.

[00:09:48] They were able to do that by looking within and finding the resources.

[00:09:53] Sometimes it was through art to being able to express oneself, to be able to get back in touch with their emotions and figure out what it is that is troubling them.

[00:10:04] What's the source of the matter?

[00:10:07] Knowing is half the battle.

[00:10:10] And then once you find that, the things that you do with that knowledge, turning it into wisdom, where you start making practical changes in your life to change something that you aren't satisfied with.

[00:10:25] Knowing is half the battle.

[00:10:27] But we have to recognize it.

[00:10:29] We have to acknowledge it.

[00:10:30] And a lot of these stories are about that.

[00:10:33] How one was able to do that in order that those stories, their words might even speak to you.

[00:10:40] They might even strike a chord with you right now.

[00:10:42] If you're in a dark place, if you're feeling as if life is hopeless, as if life is meaningless, as if you just don't even want to try anymore.

[00:10:50] What's the point of it all?

[00:10:52] I have nothing to live for.

[00:10:54] Nobody cares about me.

[00:10:55] I don't care about myself.

[00:10:56] Eff it.

[00:10:57] This whole podcast was built around the idea and with the spirit of helping people like that.

[00:11:04] Because I've been there.

[00:11:05] We've all been there.

[00:11:06] And sometimes when you hear it from the outside, from somebody who you may share something in common with.

[00:11:12] Someone that vibrates with you on the same compatible wavelength.

[00:11:17] Someone that is equally yoked with you.

[00:11:20] Someone that you can feel and understand that speaks your language.

[00:11:25] Sometimes when we hear it from from that person or it comes from that place or in that form or out of that vessel, it hits a little differently.

[00:11:33] And it might give us that push and that nudge in the right direction to start doing things in our life right now to start making some changes for the better.

[00:11:43] So let's just get into it.

[00:11:45] You know, some of the things that I was shown, some of the things that I've seen that to me were profound.

[00:11:52] And man, did I need that?

[00:11:56] Did I need that?

[00:11:59] I was taking this retreat seriously in the sense that for a month, I didn't give it a whole year of fasting and living in the Amazons in the jungle and just having a diet that's consisting of only banana milk or something like that.

[00:12:15] I mean, leading up to it, I made sure that I kept my sugar intake down.

[00:12:19] I cut out the alcohol.

[00:12:21] I didn't drink any alcohol.

[00:12:22] Didn't even have an urge to it leading up to it.

[00:12:25] And honestly, right now, a week after, I still don't have an urge or a desire to go grab a drink, have a nice glass of dry wine, some red wine or anything like that.

[00:12:36] I just don't have an urge right now.

[00:12:38] So I feel like, why even go pick it up?

[00:12:41] You know, the desire just isn't there.

[00:12:45] So there were things that I cut out.

[00:12:47] I was trying to get myself in as best a place that I can psychologically, spiritually, emotionally coming into this respectfully, coming into this open and ready to see what Mama Ayahuasca had to say or had to show me.

[00:13:04] And another thing also leading into it was just some intentions to have an intention.

[00:13:09] What are you there for?

[00:13:11] Terrence McKenna, he speak about when you're dealing with certain plants, when you're dealing with these plants that have the ability to usher you into a world that is unseen and come in contact with the world inside of you that you oftentimes neglect.

[00:13:29] That what counts is set in setting your mindset.

[00:13:32] How are you coming into this?

[00:13:34] Your intent?

[00:13:35] What's the whole reason behind it?

[00:13:37] What are you looking for?

[00:13:38] What are you searching for?

[00:13:39] Are you just trying to get hired?

[00:13:41] Are you just trying to see some unicorns and leprechauns swinging and sliding down a rainbow after a pot of gold?

[00:13:51] Are you just trying to trip out?

[00:13:53] Or is there something in your life, something that is broken, something that is hurting, something that is in need of?

[00:14:02] And it's the reason for you opening yourself up to experience with ayahuasca, with Syrian rue, with even mushrooms, with these other psychedelics that some people call a drug.

[00:14:15] But it's far from that.

[00:14:16] I mean, I've come from a place where I've done a lot of drugs in my time.

[00:14:23] I've popped a lot of pills.

[00:14:24] I smoked a lot of different powder forms and even forms that were hard rock candy.

[00:14:30] This was nothing like it.

[00:14:34] So your set mindset and also the setting, what kind of environment?

[00:14:40] Is it a safe place?

[00:14:42] Do you feel secure?

[00:14:43] Do you trust the people around you?

[00:14:45] Is it soft?

[00:14:46] Is it warm?

[00:14:47] Is it welcoming?

[00:14:48] What kind of music is being played?

[00:14:50] What's the tone and the ambiance of the place that you're partaking of this ancient, ancient plant that goes back thousands and thousands of years ago?

[00:15:03] So respectfully, I came into this and I was afraid.

[00:15:07] I didn't know what to expect.

[00:15:09] I didn't know how sick I was going to get.

[00:15:11] I didn't know if I was going to break down and have a panic attack.

[00:15:14] I didn't know what was going to happen, but I just want to share a bit of what I was shown during that last night when we finally drunk the tea.

[00:15:24] So it was a three day retreat.

[00:15:26] And the last night was when we drank the root.

[00:15:29] And I mean, I probably can do another episode or write a blog about some of its history, how it's been used in ancient times, how it's even been used, how it's even being used today.

[00:15:42] But I don't want to carry out this episode any further than it needs to be.

[00:15:47] I just wanted to share a little bit from the heart of what I experienced and what I was shown.

[00:15:53] So, yeah, that last night, this was my first time ever doing something like this.

[00:15:58] And we went ahead one by one.

[00:16:01] We were being called up and there was a whole lead up to this.

[00:16:05] There was a few ceremonies.

[00:16:07] We had a cacao ceremony the first night we had that morning or excuse me, that afternoon.

[00:16:13] We had the rapé.

[00:16:15] That was a combination of tobacco, pure tobacco and bobinsana.

[00:16:21] That's a traditional plant by the rainforest and the shipibos.

[00:16:27] Those are the indigenous people that live in the Peruvian Amazons.

[00:16:31] And also with kapai, that rapé was a combination of those plants and medicines.

[00:16:39] And what that does is cleanse your spirit.

[00:16:42] It prepares that vessel of yours to receive the ayahuasca.

[00:16:46] And how they do that is with this wooden instrument that they blow into your nostrils or one side of your nose, the left nostril and then the right nostril.

[00:17:00] And I had two doses of that.

[00:17:02] The first dose was pretty mild and I went ahead and took another one.

[00:17:06] And that was an experience in itself.

[00:17:09] So there was a lead up to it.

[00:17:10] We had a lot of things that we did prior to the ayahuasca.

[00:17:13] Like I said, setting is important.

[00:17:17] You're not just getting around having a beer at a bar.

[00:17:20] You're not just getting together with a few people to pop a couple of pills and then just go hit a disco or something to pick up on some chicks.

[00:17:28] It's nothing like that.

[00:17:30] Setting was everything.

[00:17:32] There was rituals performed.

[00:17:34] There was a ceremony.

[00:17:35] These are ancient ceremonies.

[00:17:36] These are things that are still practiced to this day and have been a part of antiquity for millennia.

[00:17:45] We're talking thousands and thousands of years, but not to get off on a tangent again.

[00:17:49] So that last night we drank the tea and when it was finally my turn to drink it, I had one good gulp.

[00:17:56] It was a decent sized glass.

[00:17:58] Everybody at first had the same portion.

[00:18:00] And I was expecting it to taste a lot bitter because I heard a lot of stories of how bitter it tastes.

[00:18:05] It wasn't that bad.

[00:18:06] I took it down and sat back on my mattress.

[00:18:10] Once everybody had their drink, the facilitator, the shaman facilitator, Christian, he said,

[00:18:17] All right, now once everybody has their drink, we're going to sit on the mat.

[00:18:20] You can lay down however you feel.

[00:18:22] And we're going to enjoy silence for 10, 15 minutes.

[00:18:29] The lights completely off.

[00:18:30] No sound, just silence.

[00:18:32] And after 15 minutes, we're going to slowly bring in some music and some candles will be lit.

[00:18:41] So I sat there meditating, just opening myself up to the plant, saying some prayers, asking for wisdom, for strength.

[00:18:50] You know, to be able to embrace what I see if I do see something or ask questions, not to shy away from what I'm being shown.

[00:18:59] It may even sound funny to some of you right now listening to it, but this is what was going on in my head.

[00:19:05] This is how I was approaching it.

[00:19:07] And this is my experience.

[00:19:08] You know, take it for what it's worth.

[00:19:10] I'm not here to convince you about anything.

[00:19:11] I'm just here to share some of what I went through.

[00:19:14] So I would say 20, 25 minutes or so.

[00:19:19] I lost track of time, but still sitting on my mat.

[00:19:23] But I can feel that bitterness from the tea.

[00:19:26] It started to kick around in my stomach a little bit and go up to the throat.

[00:19:31] You know, you hear of, if anybody's familiar with ayahuasca, you hear of the purging, of the vomiting, of the nausea and all that kind of stuff.

[00:19:39] And some people, it kicked in right away.

[00:19:40] I was in a room and there was 27 of us, say like 10 minutes or so.

[00:19:45] Some people were already purging.

[00:19:48] They were throwing up.

[00:19:49] They were vomiting.

[00:19:49] We had little cups.

[00:19:51] And honestly, the whole time over there, I wasn't there for weeks on end.

[00:19:57] But those few days that I was there, I didn't eat much.

[00:20:00] I had some light porridge, a little bit of potato rice.

[00:20:06] So I didn't have much in my system.

[00:20:09] But thinking back, I don't know if it was the presence of this plant that many call Mama Aya, this strong presence.

[00:20:20] But I started to feel a fear, a panic.

[00:20:24] And I was talking to one of the girls that I met during the ceremony.

[00:20:28] And she was explaining and sharing her experience and how at the beginning she felt like she was going to die.

[00:20:35] And I remember, man, that's right.

[00:20:37] How could I forget?

[00:20:39] I felt a panic, a fear.

[00:20:42] I started sweating.

[00:20:44] I started kind of felt like I was balling up because I was seated, legs crossed, seated up with my arms resting on my kneecaps.

[00:20:56] But that panic, the sweats, trembling a little bit.

[00:21:01] And then it was like this nauseous, lightheadedness.

[00:21:05] And I started to feel a little bit woozy, wobbly.

[00:21:09] I was kind of testing out my limbs and my faculties, all my functionalities, how I was feeling.

[00:21:15] So I kind of would raise my arms up to see if I was able to hold them up.

[00:21:21] And they felt a little wobbly.

[00:21:24] The limbs were wobbly.

[00:21:26] I had my eyes closed and they also passed out sleeping masks.

[00:21:31] So my closed eyes were behind that sleeping mask.

[00:21:34] And I pretty much had that on for the majority of my my ayahuasca ceremony.

[00:21:41] So little by little, I was feeling that nauseousness and it took a while.

[00:21:45] It probably was 40 minutes or maybe even an hour into it where I finally purged.

[00:21:53] But at first I was thinking, oh, I'm good.

[00:21:56] You know, I'm holding it down pretty well.

[00:21:57] I'm not going to have any of these throwing up purges that I've heard so much about.

[00:22:02] But that bitterness was the aftertaste of it started kicking around.

[00:22:07] And once I felt that that panic and that pressure that lasted for about five minutes or so, it wasn't long.

[00:22:13] But at that time, it was intense.

[00:22:16] And finally, dizziness, feeling woozy, limbs a little bit wobbly.

[00:22:22] I'm holding myself or I'm sitting up for that matter.

[00:22:26] And then I started to purge.

[00:22:28] I started to throw up a little bit.

[00:22:29] It was like I've heard people say before, like this uneasiness, this this pressure inside of the stomach that just started to build up.

[00:22:40] And that in combination with the taste, the aftertaste of the tea.

[00:22:45] I threw up.

[00:22:46] It wasn't much.

[00:22:47] It was a lot of dry heaving, sometimes little clunks of maybe stomach acid or whatever the remnants of the tea in the concoction was.

[00:22:57] But sometimes that would come up and it would taste horrific.

[00:23:02] So a few times doing that.

[00:23:04] And then it was just a calm, calm bliss that went over me in the music.

[00:23:10] The music that they were playing, it sounded like they were singing directly to me.

[00:23:16] At times it felt like or it sounded like even felt like because I can feel the breath of these vocalists and these instruments right beside me, like off the tips of my eardrum.

[00:23:32] But sometimes the vocals, it seemed like they would just wrap around my head like a halo, hit the right side and wrap around the back and then come around my left side.

[00:23:43] That was something in itself, just the music.

[00:23:46] It was tripping me out.

[00:23:48] Sometimes I would hear whispers and women laughing.

[00:23:51] And then I started to see from up top as my eyes are closing behind this sleeping mask, I started to see crackles of color.

[00:24:02] It was like when the lightning goes off behind a cloud and it was blues and purples and greens and yellows, reds, oranges.

[00:24:10] It was it was pretty subtle at first, but I started to think, oh, now it's happening.

[00:24:17] What is this?

[00:24:18] Then I lifted the mask up to see was that, you know, am I tripping?

[00:24:21] Was it just something that was going on inside the room, these disco lights or a strobe light they had on?

[00:24:27] But it wasn't that.

[00:24:29] So then I slid back behind the mask, closed my eyes.

[00:24:33] And what I started to see was a cloudy tunnel.

[00:24:36] It was forming, taking shape, and then it was raising up towards the heavens.

[00:24:42] And then I would follow it and it turned off to the left.

[00:24:46] I was like, oh, what is this?

[00:24:48] Where's this trying to take me?

[00:24:51] And another one came out.

[00:24:53] Clouds started to form into a tunnel, started to follow it with my eyes, even my head.

[00:24:58] I remember I was lifting and raising my head up and it started going up towards the heavens again.

[00:25:04] And then it turned off to the right side.

[00:25:06] And I was whispering, where are you leading me to?

[00:25:09] And then like a very subtle image.

[00:25:13] I'm sure it was of a serpent looking at me, but it was hazy.

[00:25:18] It wasn't in full form and it just went away quick.

[00:25:22] And I started to see just these eyes, different eyes.

[00:25:25] Some of them all white, some rolling back.

[00:25:29] Some were pitch black, completely dark.

[00:25:32] Just all these different eyes popping up.

[00:25:35] And then there were these children.

[00:25:37] They were in bunches and overlapping each other.

[00:25:40] They were all boys.

[00:25:42] They were about from three years old to nine or ten years old.

[00:25:47] They had different expressions.

[00:25:49] Some of them with their arms all tangled and crippled and kind of clawing towards me.

[00:25:57] But they weren't in solid form.

[00:25:58] They were like spirits.

[00:26:00] Just imagine the television turned off and you looking at the reflection inside of the television.

[00:26:06] It looks a bit hazy.

[00:26:08] The form isn't solid.

[00:26:10] You can see the textures.

[00:26:11] You could even see the color.

[00:26:12] You can see what it is you're looking at, whether it's furniture or even yourself.

[00:26:17] But that's how they looked.

[00:26:19] And they were coming towards me.

[00:26:21] And they were overlapping.

[00:26:23] And they had different expressions.

[00:26:25] Some looked indigenous.

[00:26:26] Some even had modern clothes on.

[00:26:30] T-shirts with Charlie Brown stripes on them.

[00:26:34] Hats.

[00:26:35] Some looked scared.

[00:26:37] Some looked timid.

[00:26:38] Some looked helpless and lost.

[00:26:41] Some, their eyes were crossing.

[00:26:43] Some, their eyes were rolling back.

[00:26:46] I was seeing all of these boys in bunches.

[00:26:51] Slowly, they'd come up.

[00:26:53] Get right up to my nose tip.

[00:26:55] Stop.

[00:26:56] And then just fade off to the left.

[00:26:58] Fade off to my right side.

[00:27:00] And at first, when I seen this, I was...

[00:27:02] Because it seemed in the beginning that they were gremlin-like or goblins.

[00:27:08] But then they started to appear more and more like children.

[00:27:12] And all boys.

[00:27:15] Different expressions.

[00:27:16] Different gestures.

[00:27:18] And then I start whispering to them.

[00:27:20] You know, this is after me feeling afraid.

[00:27:23] I started to freak out.

[00:27:24] I was turning down and, you know, I had the fear in me.

[00:27:28] I felt the fear in me.

[00:27:29] But then I sat back up and started to focus on my breathing again.

[00:27:33] And as these boys started to come towards me, I asked them, whispering,

[00:27:40] who are you?

[00:27:42] Talk to me.

[00:27:43] What do you have to say?

[00:27:44] Who are you?

[00:27:44] And if I could remember correctly, I'm sure it's when I was asking these questions,

[00:27:51] I see a spotlight hit the background.

[00:27:53] And that spotlight is hitting the stomach of somebody standing in the background behind

[00:27:59] these children.

[00:28:00] And that spotlight is showing a blue shirt with elephants on it.

[00:28:03] And it was the same shirt that I bought when I was in Cambodia visiting.

[00:28:08] It was the same shirt that I had on that night during that ceremony.

[00:28:12] And in that light, that spotlight started to slowly raise up.

[00:28:17] And then I seen myself.

[00:28:19] I seen my face as an adult, how I look now, standing there staring straight at me.

[00:28:26] Was that the answer that I was asking these children?

[00:28:30] Who are you?

[00:28:31] What do you want?

[00:28:32] The difference between me standing in the background, in the now, as I look now,

[00:28:39] was that my form compared to theirs was solid.

[00:28:42] It was bright.

[00:28:44] Theirs looked like they were spirits.

[00:28:46] And as they got closer, they would fade off to my left and they would fade off to my right.

[00:28:52] And so here and there, I would also see just features of my face with the spotlight hitting it.

[00:28:59] They would just appear from out the background.

[00:29:01] Sometimes of my cheekbone and my eye just peering and looking at me in the spotlight hitting.

[00:29:07] Another time I could remember it was of my forehead.

[00:29:10] And then little by little, all of this sweat just falling from my forehead.

[00:29:15] I remember also that of these children, one of the boys, he was walking towards me.

[00:29:20] And he looked real confused.

[00:29:23] He looked afraid.

[00:29:24] He looked unsure.

[00:29:25] And I remember I was whispering to him, you got to stand proud.

[00:29:30] And that little boy stopped in front of me and he stuck his chest out and put his hands on his hip

[00:29:37] and did a little pose with the smirk.

[00:29:39] And he looked like how I pose myself today in pictures.

[00:29:46] Sometimes when I'm just in gesture playing around and having fun and posing for the camera,

[00:29:51] he did that same pose when I told him after I seen him and he was walking up to me unsure and a little worried and timid.

[00:30:00] And I told him, you got to be proud.

[00:30:02] And that's what he did.

[00:30:03] And I remember I was laughing.

[00:30:05] I started to myself whispering out loud into him because they could hear me.

[00:30:11] I told him, that's right.

[00:30:12] That's my boy.

[00:30:21] This pressure, this weight, this uneasiness, everything just felt like it was lifted from me.

[00:30:31] I felt such calm.

[00:30:33] I felt such peace.

[00:30:34] I felt love.

[00:30:36] I felt acceptance, gratitude.

[00:30:39] I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

[00:30:43] And even right now, as I speak and recall this and a week later, I still feel that calm, peace and gratitude that I haven't felt.

[00:30:57] And I don't know when.

[00:30:59] It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

[00:31:05] Man, I'm just, I'm thankful to being able to share this and just talk a bit about what my experience was like and how important it has to be.

[00:31:18] It must be that we face, acknowledge, respect and give the attention to past experiences that we may have had that we try to forget about.

[00:31:31] They may be hurtful.

[00:31:32] It may be painful.

[00:31:33] It may bring up all these different emotions in us, but it's important to sit with it, to acknowledge it, to face it by doing that.

[00:31:43] Forgive yourself and let go.

[00:31:47] Remember in the beginning I said, and you've probably heard this before, knowing is half the battle.

[00:31:52] It was as if I was being shown this and I was being forced to accept and acknowledge something that has always been with me years later.

[00:32:03] Because where I spent a few years of my life before we moved, it wasn't in the best of places.

[00:32:37] I was young.

[00:32:39] It wasn't that big of a deal.

[00:32:41] Other people have had it worse.

[00:32:43] Other people have seen worse.

[00:32:44] Yeah, that might be the case.

[00:32:46] But every experience is different and unique to that person.

[00:32:50] But we carry that with us.

[00:32:52] So even being young and still, I had the love and protection and support from my parents.

[00:32:58] They did everything that they could to keep us safe.

[00:33:01] We were safe.

[00:33:02] But the environment was sick.

[00:33:04] There was drugs.

[00:33:06] There was violence.

[00:33:07] There was despair.

[00:33:09] There was depravity.

[00:33:11] All of this happening around us.

[00:33:12] Next door, there were people addicted to narcotics.

[00:33:16] Behind us, in the alleyway, people would do drugs.

[00:33:19] And so even if I don't know how to communicate and express what's going on, I'm being impacted.

[00:33:25] And I know I was because for the longest during that time and even when we moved, I would have these reoccurring dreams.

[00:33:33] And the theme was always of being chased by zombies or vampires.

[00:33:38] And that wasn't just because of the scary movies that maybe I sometimes watch when I wasn't supposed to.

[00:33:44] It was the environment around me, our dreams, that inner world that is full of symbols and images.

[00:33:52] That was where all of my emotions, my stress, my worries, my anxiety, that was where it came to life.

[00:34:03] And it was showing me in the form of vampires and zombies.

[00:34:07] Those were the symbols and images showing me how I'm being affected by what's happening around me.

[00:34:14] And how that carried with me on through my adolescence, into my adult years.

[00:34:20] And if you don't deal with those things, if you don't understand them, if you don't acknowledge them, if you don't give them their time and due attention,

[00:34:29] eventually they turn into anxieties.

[00:34:32] They turn into bad habits.

[00:34:34] They turn into compulsive disorders.

[00:34:36] They turn into fears.

[00:34:39] And they can paralyze you.

[00:34:42] And they can bring you down.

[00:34:44] And they can create doubting yourself.

[00:34:46] And they can just feed off of your insecurities.

[00:34:49] And they can gobble you up in the inside.

[00:34:52] And I say that to say that even when we moved through school and growing up,

[00:34:58] the reasons why I would act the way I would act,

[00:35:01] shying away from attention,

[00:35:03] worried about the opinion and critique of somebody else,

[00:35:08] worrying about the opinion someone else has about me,

[00:35:11] getting defensive or aggressive,

[00:35:13] sometimes angry and other times wanting to just crawl into a shell and shut myself off from everything.

[00:35:21] Nervous, unsure,

[00:35:22] all of these things that I thought I had under control,

[00:35:26] but in certain situations and uncomfortable environments,

[00:35:29] in an unfamiliar place around strangers or just groups of people or whatever,

[00:35:35] I would react a certain way, behave a certain way.

[00:35:39] Things would come out.

[00:35:40] And it was stemming from all of what I really didn't respect or acknowledge.

[00:35:48] But it definitely impressed something upon my spirit and my psyche.

[00:35:56] I want to read a quote that really ties that part in.

[00:35:59] And it's from a book that I was reading called The Inner Works.

[00:36:06] And it goes,

[00:36:07] The true significance of the inner world becomes more clear when we begin to realize that almost everything we do,

[00:36:15] every reaction we have,

[00:36:17] every decision we make,

[00:36:19] every relationship we form,

[00:36:21] ultimately results from our inner qualities and inner dynamics.

[00:36:26] Everything is controlled by the huge energy systems that propel us from within,

[00:36:33] that determine most of what we think and what we do.

[00:36:39] And for me,

[00:36:40] I think being shown that,

[00:36:43] seeing it,

[00:36:44] to know is one thing or to just think on a whim about it is another,

[00:36:49] but to sit directly in front of it and then to just see these faces,

[00:36:57] see these expressions.

[00:36:59] That was me as a child.

[00:37:01] That was me now,

[00:37:04] still being haunted by those spirits and those energies that have built up,

[00:37:08] that have formed,

[00:37:09] that have become a part of me and molded my personality and who I am,

[00:37:14] being shown that,

[00:37:16] seen it,

[00:37:19] experiencing it,

[00:37:20] going through it again,

[00:37:21] feeling the fear and the helplessness and feeling a shame and the guilt and being weak.

[00:37:28] But then by confronting it,

[00:37:31] not turning away,

[00:37:32] looking at it and even interacting with it,

[00:37:34] accepting it,

[00:37:35] wow,

[00:37:35] that started to diffuse the force.

[00:37:38] They were fading off like a thing of the past.

[00:37:41] Yeah,

[00:37:41] they were a part of me,

[00:37:42] but that isn't me.

[00:37:44] Those were defense mechanisms.

[00:37:46] Those were impulses and things that I did to keep safe,

[00:37:51] to survive,

[00:37:52] if you will,

[00:37:53] psychologically,

[00:37:54] emotionally,

[00:37:54] how I protected myself,

[00:37:56] how I dealt with things,

[00:37:57] even if it wasn't in the healthiest or the best of ways to do it.

[00:38:01] That's what I learned and continue to do through adolescence.

[00:38:06] When I would shy away and pull away and keep to myself and even as an adult,

[00:38:11] but being shown that and experiencing that and going through some of that right then and there.

[00:38:17] But the after effect of just that weight being lifted,

[00:38:21] even the heart palpitations,

[00:38:23] the heartbeat calming down.

[00:38:25] That's something I,

[00:38:26] now I noticed today,

[00:38:28] a week after that for no reason,

[00:38:31] you know,

[00:38:32] whatever it is,

[00:38:32] if I'm getting ready,

[00:38:33] if I'm ready to catch the bus,

[00:38:35] I'm off to work or whatever,

[00:38:36] but my heart would race.

[00:38:38] I don't know what that was.

[00:38:40] It was as if,

[00:38:41] even though I was calm on the outside,

[00:38:43] but the inside,

[00:38:43] it was still like a pressure.

[00:38:45] It was still an uneasiness,

[00:38:46] but that's gone.

[00:38:48] I don't,

[00:38:48] I don't feel that right now.

[00:38:50] And it left me that night.

[00:38:51] And I'm not to say this is just a quick fix.

[00:38:54] It lasted for about four or five hours,

[00:38:57] but after that heavy,

[00:38:59] heavy panic and just the uneasiness of everything,

[00:39:03] there was a blanket that just dropped on me and held me tight.

[00:39:08] It just kept me nice and snug,

[00:39:11] warm,

[00:39:13] calm,

[00:39:14] peace,

[00:39:15] gratitude,

[00:39:16] forgiveness.

[00:39:17] So I'm saying that to say that I think if we allow ourselves that time and that space to get real with ourselves,

[00:39:27] and our emotions and some things that we may have written off that have happened to us,

[00:39:32] whether it was our fault or not,

[00:39:36] sometimes we could be our own worst critic.

[00:39:38] But once we start to face them and explore them a bit,

[00:39:44] I think that's when we're able to disarm the dragon.

[00:39:48] That's when we're able to look Medusa square in the eye with all of those snakes and serpents

[00:39:56] and all of those nasty and crawly and disgusting things coming out from the side of her head and off the top of her scalp.

[00:40:04] We can look her dead in the eye and not turn to stone.

[00:40:08] Those energy forces,

[00:40:10] those spirits,

[00:40:11] those strongholds,

[00:40:12] they start to lose their grip.

[00:40:14] They start to loosen up.

[00:40:16] And I think that's the fertile ground where we can start to find forgiveness,

[00:40:21] healing,

[00:40:22] a sense of peace.

[00:40:24] Instead of living in the past and being a victim of circumstances,

[00:40:30] we can start to feel empowered and know that we hold the key to get well,

[00:40:36] to be well,

[00:40:36] and to do well.

[00:40:38] We hold the key.

[00:40:40] It's no longer somebody else robbing us,

[00:40:42] but us robbing ourselves.

[00:40:44] One time we were wronged.

[00:40:46] If we were wronged.

[00:40:47] One time things didn't work out.

[00:40:49] One time plans fell.

[00:40:52] They folded.

[00:40:53] Things happened.

[00:40:54] But now we can look to ourselves.

[00:40:57] We can get quiet and we can start to look truly at ourselves inwardly and piece together the things that formed,

[00:41:07] created,

[00:41:08] shaped,

[00:41:08] and made us the people that we are today.

[00:41:11] And if we're not happy with it,

[00:41:13] if we think we could use some improvement by understanding that first part,

[00:41:18] getting to the source of it,

[00:41:20] I can't point you there.

[00:41:21] Your favorite online guru can't point you there,

[00:41:24] but you can get there.

[00:41:26] If you allow yourselves that time to do so,

[00:41:30] it ultimately comes down to is if you feel you're worth that extra time,

[00:41:35] we give a lot of time to everything else.

[00:41:37] We'll spend a whole day sitting on the couch,

[00:41:40] watching a complete series on Netflix,

[00:41:43] all 55 episodes,

[00:41:46] but five minutes or 10 minutes alone

[00:41:48] in meditation,

[00:41:50] reflecting,

[00:41:53] writing,

[00:41:54] expressing oneself,

[00:41:55] however it is through music,

[00:41:58] dance,

[00:41:59] art,

[00:41:59] that's asking a little too much.

[00:42:01] I think most listening to the podcasts are

[00:42:04] on that wavelength.

[00:42:06] We want better.

[00:42:07] We know we have potential.

[00:42:10] We know there's good things waiting for us.

[00:42:12] We know that we have the resources

[00:42:15] to be able to experience a life that

[00:42:17] is full of meaning and purpose.

[00:42:20] It's not always going to be up

[00:42:22] and it isn't always going to be down,

[00:42:23] but overall,

[00:42:25] it's going to be an enjoyable and interesting ride.

[00:42:28] Regardless of who supposedly is running the show,

[00:42:33] calling the shots,

[00:42:35] sitting at the helm,

[00:42:37] steering the country you live in,

[00:42:39] this way or that way,

[00:42:40] no matter that,

[00:42:41] you're the captain of your ship.

[00:42:43] I'm the captain of my ship.

[00:42:47] We take control

[00:42:49] over what we have

[00:42:50] immediate influence of.

[00:42:52] That's our lives,

[00:42:53] that's our thoughts,

[00:42:54] that's our behaviors,

[00:42:55] that's our attitude,

[00:42:56] that can in turn

[00:42:59] affect

[00:42:59] in a positive way

[00:43:01] or negative.

[00:43:02] Our life,

[00:43:03] our environment

[00:43:04] around us,

[00:43:05] our immediate circle

[00:43:07] of influence

[00:43:08] and everybody shines

[00:43:10] that good light

[00:43:11] and sows that good seed

[00:43:12] in their immediate circle.

[00:43:14] That's when changes

[00:43:15] can start to happen.

[00:43:17] Starts from within,

[00:43:18] starts from me,

[00:43:20] starts with you.

[00:43:22] Hey,

[00:43:22] that's just a little bit of

[00:43:23] some of what I was shown

[00:43:25] and

[00:43:26] it was pretty much

[00:43:27] like the main theme.

[00:43:28] There was some other things

[00:43:29] I did see my wife

[00:43:31] pass through at one time

[00:43:32] with our dog.

[00:43:34] I did see at another point

[00:43:36] the sky above me

[00:43:38] all black

[00:43:39] and then one by one

[00:43:40] stars started to appear

[00:43:42] and then I remember

[00:43:44] whispering as those stars

[00:43:46] started to appear

[00:43:47] one by one.

[00:43:49] I knew there was

[00:43:50] that many stars

[00:43:51] up there in the sky.

[00:43:52] Hey man,

[00:43:53] to get cheesy and corny,

[00:43:55] you're a star.

[00:43:56] I'm a star.

[00:43:58] Let's go ahead

[00:43:59] and shine.

[00:44:00] You guys,

[00:44:02] I want to wish you well,

[00:44:04] a good rest of the week.

[00:44:05] We're going to catch up

[00:44:06] and do this again

[00:44:07] real soon.

[00:44:08] I have another story

[00:44:09] to share with you all

[00:44:10] next week

[00:44:11] and there's a few people

[00:44:12] that I've already been

[00:44:14] under contacts with

[00:44:15] and we're setting

[00:44:16] something up

[00:44:17] so we can continue

[00:44:18] this road together,

[00:44:20] building our path,

[00:44:21] walking our path,

[00:44:23] finding our path,

[00:44:24] embracing the process.

[00:44:26] You guys know

[00:44:28] where to reach us.

[00:44:29] Follow the links

[00:44:30] in the show notes.

[00:44:31] We have the website.

[00:44:33] We have an email address.

[00:44:35] We have all the goodies there

[00:44:37] and as I always do

[00:44:39] once the day

[00:44:40] slowly starts

[00:44:42] to fade off

[00:44:43] on this side

[00:44:44] of the fence,

[00:44:45] I want to remind you

[00:44:47] if you would like

[00:44:48] to be a part

[00:44:49] of the show

[00:44:50] and share

[00:44:50] your story

[00:44:52] or even a story

[00:44:53] of someone

[00:44:54] in your life

[00:44:54] that has impacted

[00:44:55] you in a positive way,

[00:44:57] you can always

[00:44:58] reach out to me

[00:44:59] via email.

[00:45:00] I'd be happy

[00:45:01] to connect.

[00:45:02] Until next time

[00:45:04] and very soon.

[00:45:07] Peace.

[00:45:09] Peace.

[00:45:11] Peace.

[00:45:12] Peace.

[00:45:20] Peace.

[00:45:28] Peace.

[00:45:30] Peace.