Post Partum Depression, Anxiety, Imposter Syndrome, And The Will To Create || Kim

[00:00:01] It's Good To Be Back, I Hope You Guys Are In Good Spirits, I Hope You Guys Are Doing Well Out There. And If Not, Well Maybe. Maybe After Listening To This Show You Might Feel A Little Better About Your Situation.

[00:00:46] This Is Giants Amongst Us, Where We Share In The Unique Human Experience. And Where Every Time You Plug In You're Going To Hear Real Stories That Are Told By Real People. People Just Like Yourself.

[00:01:02] And What These Stories Are Meant To Do Is Give You Examples And To Be A Testament To What The Human Spirit Is, Capable Of Once Someone Starts Applying Themselves. Once Someone Starts Taking Accountability And Responsibility For Their Situation, For Their Experiences In Life.

[00:01:22] Though There Are Many Things Out Of Our Control, The Way We React And How We Respond To Any Given Situation If It Can't Change That Immediate Situation. At Least We Can Work In Improving Ourselves, Our Characters.

[00:01:37] And Who We Are As People As A Man As A Woman As Human Beings. It's About Striving For More, It's About Reaching For Something Higher. So Although You May Hear The Struggle And The Challenges, The Addictions, The Hurt, The Trauma You're Also Going To Hear.

[00:01:53] How Somebody Was Able To Reclaim A Life That Was Lost. How Somebody Was Able To Find Meaning In Hope When At One Time Life Felt Meaningless, Hopeless. So If Right Now You're Listening And You're In A Dark Spot, Right Now It Feels Like This Is Your Darkest Hour.

[00:02:10] Know That Things Can Get Better And Know That Your Life Is Worth It. And If There's Ever Any Doubt, Listen To These Stories And Let Them Remind You. So Kick Your Feet Up, Let This Play On In The Background As You Take Care Of Things

[00:02:23] Around The House Or Let It Keep You Some Company As You Stroll Around The Block. However It Is You Listen To This Show. Let's Go Ahead And Enjoy This Experience Together. Today Kim Joins Us And She's Got Her Story To Tell.

[00:02:38] Kim Opens Up And Talks To Us About How It Was For Her As A Child. And That Involved Moving Around Quite Often On Account Of Her Father Having Different Job Opportunities. And What That Meant Was Having It With Just Living In Different States And Changing Schools.

[00:02:54] And The Pressures Of Dealing With Racial Tension And Divide At Times Because Of Her Being Of Asian Descent. It Leads To Being Picked On, It Leads To Being Bullied. Her Brother At One Time Was Assaulted At School.

[00:03:07] Kim Talks About How That Affected Her Then As Well As In Later Years. She Also Shares Her Experience With The Birth Of Her Two Children And The Postpartum Depression That Followed. Those Were Some Dark Times.

[00:03:21] We're Going To Hear About What Helped Her Climb Out Of That Dark Hole Along With Her Dealing With Anxiety, Impostor Syndrome And How That's Been An Ongoing Battle For Her As A Photographer. Ladies and Gentlemen, Let's Get Right Into The Conversation.

[00:03:36] Without Further ado, This Is Kim And Her Story. Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Pleased To Have Another Sitdown. I'd Like To Welcome Kim To The Show. Kim, You Took Time Out Of Your Day Today To Be With Us And To Share Some Of Your Experience With Others.

[00:03:54] You Could Have Been Doing Anything, You Could Have Been Anywhere But You're Here With Us To Share A Little Bit Of Story. So Thank You Very Much. Welcome To The Show. Hi, Thank You So Much For Having Me. It's An Honor To Be On Your Show.

[00:04:07] My Pleasure, My Pleasure. And For starters, I Always Like To Get A Little Background Of Where You Come From And How It Was For You Growing Up. So If You Mind Sharing Some Of That With Us Today. Yeah, Of Course. Wow, I'm from San Diego, California. Beautiful.

[00:04:25] I'm studying San Diego. Yeah, That's Right. I Moved Around A Bit When I Was Younger. I Lived In Vegas. I Lived In Colorado. But Then Found Myself Back In San Diego. So I'm Grateful For That. I Love It Here. I Grew Up In A Divorced Home.

[00:04:46] My Parents Divorced When I Was 9 Years Old. I Have A Brother. I Have Two Sisters. Both Different Moms And Dots. So It's A Little Tricky There. Actually Yeah, It's A Crazy Story There. But Maybe We'll Get Back To That.

[00:05:03] But Yeah, Yeah I'm Pretty Bunch Been Here Since I Moved Back From Vegas. And I Love It Here. So You're Originally From California And You Moved Around Throughout The Years? Yeah, I Was Born and Raised. I Moved Around San Diego, California.

[00:05:19] And We Just Moved Quite A Bit Because My Dad Got Different Jobs. And I Think Financially It Just Worked Out You Know The Other Places That We Moved. Oh, Just Landed Back Here. So That Means Probably When You Were Younger, You Had To Move Around During School Season

[00:05:38] Also? Yes, I Did. And I Had To Make Lots of New Friends. And That Was Always A Struggle For Me. Yeah, That's Hard to Deal With. I Remember When We Moved And We Moved Schools It Was About Fourth Or Fifth Grade.

[00:05:56] And Just That The Beginning When The Teacher Introduces You And You Know You're In A New Environment You're A Strange Face And You Know And Especially When You're Young And Everybody's Looking At You And Then You Kind Of Feel Awkward.

[00:06:08] And I Don't Know If You Were Dealing With A Lot Of That Every Time You Had To Get Up Oh Yeah. And Go To A New Location To Start All Over Again. Yeah, When We Moved Back To California, We Landed In Campo.

[00:06:23] And That Was Really Rough Because I'm Asian American. And There Were Hardly Any Asian Americans In Campo. So My Brother And I We Delt With A Lot Of Racism. We Eventually Warmed Up To The Kids There And Became Friends.

[00:06:42] But It Was Always Really Hard Like Moving Around And Being Asian And Experiencing That Sort Of Racism. Was It All Through School? Like From Elementary, Junior High to High School, You Never Had A Steady Base Throughout Your School Years? No, High School Was Pretty Steady, Steady Based.

[00:07:04] There Was More Elementary And A Little Bit Of Middle. Middle, I Don't Know Middle School Was Hard For Me. I Feel Like Middle School And High School Was Hard For Me. But As Far As Like Dealing With What I Delt With In Elementary School, I Wasn't

[00:07:20] Really Dealing With That In Middle School And High School. You Think Any Of That Was Like Later On In Years Was Something That Would Resurface And Kind Of Effect You In Any Way? Definitely. I Think I'm More Aware Of Like. So That's A Definite Yes.

[00:07:36] Yeah, I Think I'm More Aware Of Places That I Go Like Knowing You Know, Knowing My Crowd You Know, Like I Guess Avoiding Certain Areas And Just Being In Like Places That I Feel Are More Like Diverse And They're More Comfortable And You Know, If That Makes Sense.

[00:07:57] Yeah, there's that sense, especially when you're the odd one out that can lead to a lot of things. Some people they can get a social anxiety from it or you're just or if you in your case, you've dealt with racism.

[00:08:11] So then I don't know if it was physical or if it was all verbal. So that kind of thing comes into play and that doesn't leave you overnight. Yeah, it was for me, it was verbal for my brother. Unfortunately, it was more physical.

[00:08:25] The first couple of days of school in Campo, they ganged up on him and beat him up. Unfortunately, which was really sad. But for me, luckily, also I'm luckily it was more verbal. Was is it safe to say this was before social media? Oh, definitely.

[00:08:43] Yeah, before social media. Imagine, imagine nowadays where everybody has a camera and everybody's recording and they want to post it in like you won't you'd never be able to escape it. It's recorded in history for as long as this thing is still running in

[00:09:00] the Internet, it's still alive. Exactly. I think because of like those experiences that I had to like raising my children, you know, I'm more aware of certain things too. And I am always hoping that they never have to experience something like

[00:09:17] that, you know, like what my brother experienced or what I experienced growing up. I mean, I feel like obviously I'm sure, unfortunately, because I just feel like people can be mean. They might get made fun of one day, you know, and that's just it is what

[00:09:34] it is. But I'm hoping that I can be a person to raise them and help them with their identity and knowing like they should be proud of who they are. I didn't really have that.

[00:09:46] So I'm hoping that, you know, I can make them more secure in their identity and who they are so that there's things that the bullies might say don't affect them as much as they affected me.

[00:09:58] I really took like certain things that people say or have said like to heart and I really in the past have just kind of like believed that, you know, or like allowed it to like mold who I was.

[00:10:11] Yeah, you think that when it comes to those type of experiences, say the the bullying physically verbally. Now one thing may be coming from the household but for like for somebody to deal with it, you know, that old saying what

[00:10:30] doesn't kill me make make me stronger. Do you think in some kind of sense it can be you can use that to where you maybe build some character or I guess tough skin, so to speak, you know, to be to be put in those situations

[00:10:46] and then it kind of builds and molds you a certain way not to be bitter, but in a healthy sense to where you're able to deal with adversity or put a little bit of pushback in life. You know, not to say that it's

[00:11:00] something that you wish for people to go through, but in an ideal world everybody would get along. But you know, this is reality to where you have that type of thing. Exactly. Now I agree with that. I agree that it does give you thick skin.

[00:11:15] I do agree that you tell yourself that you're not those things. I don't know that you can just brush those words off sometimes, you know, I think, I don't know for me personally, I think it depends where I'm at mentally,

[00:11:28] you know, so then I've been called a lot of things or said a lot of things and I think that ultimately like it's made me stronger because I don't believe those things. And like you mentioned the instilling that in your children, like for they

[00:11:49] have at least a good solid foundation to stand on and to help them along in life when they do come across these type of things if they do come across these because not everybody is going to agree with you.

[00:12:01] You're going to hear words sometimes that aren't the kindest and the warmest, but I think if you have that kind of support early on in life where you have that foundation built that that is going to help you get past that.

[00:12:15] Yeah, at home like where I didn't have my parents telling me I'm beautiful or telling me I'm not this, I'm not that, you know, but I am the first person to tell my children like you are this, you are that, you know, instilling that confidence in them.

[00:12:33] So yeah, when they go out in the real world, you know, they do have a little bit of thick skin like yes, maybe words will hurt them, but they know who they are, you know. Yeah, that's great.

[00:12:46] That's great to have and for both your children and this was something matter, I don't know if you're comfortable talking about that. But speaking of your children, there was there was something that you had going on.

[00:13:00] Was this as you were giving birth or this is postpartum that I'm speaking of and referring to? And this is something that you dealt with and affected you at some time during the pregnancy after pregnancy or postpartum. Okay, let me just think the word postpartum after.

[00:13:20] Yeah, postpartum depression. Yeah, so with my first daughter, I didn't have depression. I just had postpartum anxiety. But with my second daughter, I had postpartum depression and still anxiety and still have anxiety now. So this was after was it directly after birth?

[00:13:45] So with my first daughter, it wasn't directly after birth. It was kind of like months leading after birth. Just things that I started to notice in myself and things that I described, you know, to my therapist and they did a grade like this is something that you have.

[00:14:06] So like for example, I would just be like really anxious about everything. And I was, you know, anxious. I thought people were like following me. I thought people wanted to kidnap my daughter. I remember there was one time my husband and I had to go to a

[00:14:26] work party. And it's absolutely crazy to think this, but I did not want to go like I was like, no, someone's going to come to that party and shoot up that party. I did not want to go like I was literally having like an anxiety panic attack.

[00:14:44] And that is like catastrophic anxiety. I did end up going to that work party though. And nobody ended up shooting up that work party. So that was just my mind, you know, but those are like the types of things that I had to deal with after my first

[00:15:00] daughter. And it was a little, a little different with my second, but also like kind of similar. When you were dealing with it, was it a constant thing or they would just come here and there after maybe watching a news clip or do you know?

[00:15:15] Or can you recall of how those, those scenarios were playing your head? Was it a constant thing that was always coming up? Yeah, it could have possibly been triggered from like, you know, what's going on in the world, you know.

[00:15:31] And I think stress triggered it a lot too. And fear triggered it. It's just like, you know, some of my deepest fears. I mean, it happened. It happened a lot. So it was pretty, pretty consistent. Yeah, that's hard to deal with because now if that's

[00:15:50] coming into play during, you know, events like that. And that makes you just not even want to be a part of society or go outside period, just to steer clear of all the nonsense. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you want to like go into a bubble. Yeah, there you go.

[00:16:06] And this also was something that you dealt with. You said giving birth after your second child. Yeah. So my second daughter, she was born like right as like COVID was happening, you know, the whole world is like shutting down.

[00:16:24] My second daughter, she ended up having a really bad, like reflux condition, which is where like she couldn't hold down any formula for the first seven months of her life. I literally had so many doctor's appointments, took her to

[00:16:41] the hospital so many times to try and like figure out what the problem was. I had a best friend whose son had something similar, but I just didn't realize the extent of it. I just didn't realize like how, how crazy of a problem it actually is.

[00:16:59] It's like to where she didn't want to sleep. She was never comfortable eating, always spinning up her food, throwing up her food, losing weight, not gaining weight because she, she couldn't eat. And then finally at seven months, I was referred a different

[00:17:17] type of formula that's actually made in Europe. So I had to buy formula from Europe and that finally helped and she could finally like start to keep some, some formula down and she kind of like started to get better. But during that, I think that triggered definitely like

[00:17:39] the depression and the anxiety and you know, the world shutting down, not knowing what was going to happen. One of my outlets was working out. So like going to the gym that shut down for a little bit.

[00:17:56] And then like stuck at home with my sick child, you know, afraid of the unknown. Nobody knew what was going on with COVID. There are that really like put me and my husband in a dark place, you know, because my husband had to, had to deal

[00:18:13] with this with me. So it was really hard. You know, it was really hard. Yeah, that's a long time. Seven months to see your child go through that and, and then you're feeling helpless in a way. Yeah.

[00:18:27] Was it possibly like an allergic reaction to it or she just wasn't able to hold down the food and possibly they just said it was reflux. They didn't really say like much about her intestines or anything,

[00:18:44] but to this day, like she's four year old, she's four years old now and she's like very picky with her food. She's very cranky when she eats certain things, you know, she's not able to articulate like, oh, this food is making me feel this way.

[00:19:02] So I'm just very cautious with what. Yeah, that's like a chain of events. That's the perfect storm to really hammer you down. You said with dealing with your child and seeing all of that happened or where she's losing weight, she's not able to hold

[00:19:19] her food down and that's a scary situation. Then you have COVID and then you have the world shutting down and then you can't go outside, stay inside, stay indoors, keep your distance. That's just a that's the perfect storm to really just hammer hammer you down mentally.

[00:19:38] And it did. You weren't able to go to the gym, so you weren't able to use that outlet. Was there anything that you were able to do during that time or you for a moment just spiral downward?

[00:19:54] You said you and your husband that put you both in a dark spot. Yeah. I feel like I did spiral a little bit and very depressed for a while and felt like I like lost hope. And like I said, the gym was like one of my greatest outlets.

[00:20:15] So not being able to go for a little bit was really hard mentally because I feel like it really does help, you know, my mental state of mind and just even being outside really helps too. You know, things did start to open up a little bit more though.

[00:20:34] And I was able to go back to the gym and I had to like stop photography for a little bit because of, you know, my daughter going through that reflux issues for seven months. And then as it kind of subsided and she got a little

[00:20:50] better, I was able to, you know, revamp things and get out and go and do more photo shoots cautiously. But yeah, after that, things started to get better little by little. Yeah, little by little. Yeah. That's getting back into getting back in the gym for one

[00:21:13] thing and then also being able to, well, the priority was your child. So once that started to sort itself out and then you were able to get into the gym and from there do what you have a business doing, right? With the photography. Yes, exactly.

[00:21:31] That's your bread and butter. That is my bread and butter. I love it. Was it like a combination of those few things where you started to feel that you were getting better, better immensely or were you still dealing with the over anxious

[00:21:48] thoughts of my goodness, this can read that they can close everything down again or this acid reflux or the reflux can come back again. Or, you know, let's not go here because I don't trust these people. Yeah, no, I'm still dealing with that.

[00:22:05] And during that time, even until recently, I'd still been dealing with anxiety or anxious thoughts and I've just really like poured myself into therapy. So that's one of the one of the other things that has really helped me.

[00:22:23] I started therapy in my early 20s and I'm in my 30s now and I'm still doing therapy. Yeah, there was nothing. It's not going to be an overnight process. That's for sure, especially if this can be if you can

[00:22:40] trace it, link it and source it back to when you were child, you know, things that you were dealing with as a child. I have a lot of trauma from my childhood. So maybe it'll take the rest of my life to sort these things out.

[00:22:54] But to where you can function and enjoy your life, none of us until depending on what you believe in, we turn into the Buddha or whatever it is, you know, we become that perfect form shape and we're all going to have some some baggage and things.

[00:23:10] But I think what's important is that we we find the things that are that are causing us to do the things that we do or to react the way that we react or to feel the way that we feel and we're

[00:23:22] able to sort that out, make sense of it a bit and to function and live as best as we possibly can. And I think you taking the therapy, even if you said it's something that you're still you're still dealing with, but that you took the initial steps

[00:23:38] to try to work that out in your life so you can and you can live your life and also be there for your children and your husband. So that's important. Yeah. And I think with therapy, I'm like, yeah, I don't want to be no offense to my parents.

[00:23:55] I still love them even though, you know, I have a good relationship with my dad. Me and my mom are strange, but I just knew I didn't want to parent anything like them, you know, so I had to unlearn all that and therapy helped me with that.

[00:24:13] That's great that you're doing the opposite because sometimes we can end up reflecting what we hate the most or not hate the most, but you know what I mean? Things that we would we tell ourselves that I'm never going to be like that.

[00:24:29] Something that was done to me. I'm not going to do that to somebody else. But then years later, there we are. I'm not saying in your case, but I'm just speaking in general. There's some people like say they come from an abusive household with violence and what happens

[00:24:44] later on in life. They end up being the abuser, their abuser spouse physically verbally. And so that you, like you said, unlearn these things and to do things in a completely different manner. And I think that's something to be proud of right there. Yeah. What were some things?

[00:25:05] Was it hard for you to get into therapy initially, like to speak with a complete stranger? How did that look like for you in the beginning to start your sessions? Were you open to it initially or did you just feel like, you know, you kind of it was

[00:25:21] waited to do it by somebody? No, I was open. I knew I was a mess. I knew I needed it, you know, therapy though. It feels kind of like dating. Yeah, it's like, I don't know, sometimes you connect with certain therapists and sometimes you just feel

[00:25:39] like you did not connect and you didn't get anything from that therapy session. I personally like to give it like a couple tries. And if I feel like after, you know, the second one, then OK, it's it's OK to move on to a

[00:25:53] different therapist, you know, and I finally found one, you know, I had one in my 20s that I really connected with and I had her for a few years. And then in my 30s, I found one that I really love and enjoy. So that's how that worked out.

[00:26:11] This particular therapist that give you some tools or ways to do, I guess, do a little bit of homework when you get back home and work on yourself. Definitely. Yeah. Different ways to cope. I've tried, you know, like regular therapy and then I've tried topping therapy.

[00:26:29] I don't know if you've heard of that. I don't know, like a complete like science behind it. But is this supposed to be some kind of soothing like a soothing mechanism? Say when you feel it start to build up inside of you

[00:26:43] and you do this tapping to kind of it's like a cognitive to where you're switching your brain to focus on something else and take your mind away from that fear. That anxiety. Yeah, it's supposed to help like take the assortment feelings away from you.

[00:26:58] Like I said, though, I don't know, like the science or biology behind it. Right. But it helps a little bit. Yeah, that's tough because the field that you're in with the anxiety and everything. And then we talked a little bit about this offline

[00:27:14] before we started recording with the whole imposter syndrome. And that was something I shared with you also. I said, like that's something that I still I still feel boiling, bubbling, brewing inside of me a lot of times. And then sometimes it likes to throw broken branches

[00:27:32] my way and in the block off my path and know you can't go here. What are you doing? That you're not allowed here. You're not this turn around and go the other way. So dealing with the anxiety and these type of fears

[00:27:46] of mental the mental and psychological warfare that you deal with and being in the field that you're in with photography where you're having to interact with families and capture those moments. That's that's tough right there to to work and enjoy your craft, but still struggle with this

[00:28:05] in the back. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I say like leading up to, you know, the photo shoots, something we talked about earlier, like you wanting to start this podcast, you know, with your imposter syndrome. You're like, I just want to cancel it.

[00:28:21] But you still you still did it though. Do I feel like that with photography? Sometimes like going to a photo shoot like my stomach is in knots and I have like the worst anxiety. Like I have to be on for these strangers, you know,

[00:28:38] and I just I just want to deliver them my best, you know, and I just want to give them the best. I guess I'm in a way like sort of a perfectionist. And I want to cancel, you know, but I end up, you know,

[00:28:53] still going and doing it. And after I, you know, complete my photo session, I feel so much better. I just, you know, I just conquered my mind. I just told my mind like, you're not the ruler over me. I make the shots. I call the shots. That's right.

[00:29:11] Did you always from your very first professional photo shoot feel that? Or was this something that progressed later on? No, I've always felt it. I've always felt it, but I've always enjoyed it, you know, and I just I know how much I love it.

[00:29:29] I know how passionate I am about it. You know, it's art. It's what feels me like I love it. I love what I do. So I just have to like keep reminding myself. I think it's all the social anxiety and things like that,

[00:29:46] that in my mind I'm dealing with and my mind is telling me like, no, you don't want to do this, but I just have to remind myself like why I'm doing it and how much I love it

[00:29:56] and how much of an outlet it really is just like working out. You know, it's an outlet for me to like express myself creatively. When you were explaining the knotting your stomach in the fear of not delivering and then that that fear, how intense it is for you.

[00:30:16] But then also the love that you have for it. I guess the love is that much more to where it is going to override the fear no matter how intense and ugly it feels inside and in the chaos that's going on internally.

[00:30:33] But the passion in the love is just something that is always going to ride on top. Yeah, in the bigger deals I get, you know, I get even more afraid. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm about to do this.

[00:30:48] But, you know, I just am so thankful for like a faith and trust that people have in me. And I think that's also why like I'm so hard on myself sometimes. I'm just like, I just want to make you happy. Is that really what it is?

[00:31:07] Is it more than anything? Is it the fear of more than the social anxiety? Is it more the fear of the ability that you can let your customer down and not perform? Because like you said, you're your perfectionist. You know, you want the and who doesn't you,

[00:31:24] especially if you take pride in what you're doing. This is your name behind it and you want to show out and show your stuff, you know, let your magic work. Yeah, exactly. I think, I don't know, I think it's all of the above. It's social anxiety.

[00:31:41] It's the fear of not performing well, you know, it's just all those things clustered into one. Yeah, it's a tough that's that's tough, especially to do it professionally. And, you know, I'm always curious about this now because of the fact that everybody has a cell phone.

[00:32:01] Everybody takes selfie. There's a there's a professional craft to it. And I understand that there's a way to capture things. And there's a there's a science behind that. There really is about what you want to keep in the frame, what you want to keep out of the frame.

[00:32:16] And we're talking about not Photoshop and everything, but to capture it in camera. And of course, you do your post editing and stuff. But you think because of things being so digitally based with with everybody having a camera and I can do it myself

[00:32:32] and just save some money that is that has affected your business in any way or. I don't think so. I I think if people compared a phone to an actual professional camera, like you are able to see the difference.

[00:32:48] Like, yes, there's so much technology or like all these apps when it comes to your phone. But I feel like there's no comparison, you know. I feel like anyone can take a sort of average picture on their phone,

[00:33:04] you know, but if you were to try and like take a photo on a professional camera, I think you would be able to see the difference. Exactly. Yeah. And there's more more to it than just, I don't know,

[00:33:18] like snapping a picture on your phone, you know, like I I don't know, I have to make sure every little detail, you know, I can't I can't miss any detail really when it comes to like the photo session. Or if you're dealing with lights, like there's so much

[00:33:34] that goes into dealing with lighting, whether you're doing natural photography or studio photography, there's so much to it. Or I don't know. I don't know. I could go on about it, but I don't think it's affected me at all.

[00:33:49] I agree. Like you said, if somebody wants, especially if it's a special moment, if it's a wedding, if it's giving birth to your child, if it's those those family portraits. I think even nowadays, two thousand and twenty four with the fact that we can all take

[00:34:07] we can all take a photo with our camera and then these iPhones. And I don't know how advanced they are, but there is a big difference between a professional shot. And if you want something captured, you want those precious moments captured right.

[00:34:22] You have to go get somebody who specializes in taking pictures. If you, you know, you want something to hang on your wall or something to freeze steel into frame, you want to go to a professional. Yeah. And I think people recognize like the value of the professional versus

[00:34:42] like, yeah, just snapping a few pictures on your own, you know. And like you said, like they're hiring a photographer for their precious moments, you know, you don't just want someone snapping pictures of your wedding on an iPhone. You know, versus like having someone who can

[00:35:02] creatively like capture that moment. You probably even can posture and impose them a certain way. You know, this this looks better. Exactly. We don't sometimes we don't know what to do with our hands. You know, you look at photos or even when you're taking a photo

[00:35:17] with someone else and just the way their hands are in things. And if you look at those percent, like I have these because I was I was really into photography, but I did more like just street photography and stuff.

[00:35:29] But I like the even like William Klein and all these people in the way that they would pot the hands, those little things like that make a difference and really creating shapes and it kind of evens out the frame.

[00:35:44] And yeah, all that stuff comes into play that the average Joe, who really hasn't took the time to learn it, they wouldn't know anything about. Yeah. Yeah. It's really funny too and very ironic because I'm always posing people.

[00:36:00] But then when I'm in front of the camera, I'm like, no. I don't know what to do. Feeling awkward in front of the camera. Yeah. And you know, and I when I'm, you know, photographing people, they're always telling me we're not photogenic or like we're super awkward.

[00:36:18] But I'm thankfully able to like get them out of that feeling. And that's really all that I want is them to is to capture like their free spirit, you know, or just capture the raw moments of like who they really are, the authenticity.

[00:36:35] Yeah, that brings up something because now you're dealing. I also spoke about the interaction that you would have in that kind of that might trigger some anxious feelings. And you already talked about you had that the knots in your stomach and not wanting to do it.

[00:36:51] Let me cancel, let me figure out a way how to wiggle out of this appointment. But you end up pushing through all those feelings. And then you go through with the shot and dealing with the things that you still deal with.

[00:37:04] And you said, maybe it's going to be a lifetime. I'm going to have these things going on in me internally. But I'm trying to I'm trying to sort out the madness and still function as a healthy and loving human being.

[00:37:18] I'm sure that's got to be contagious because you're around these families and then you're helping them capture that that freeness and that openness and that love at that particular time and seeing the joy that I'm sure they experience after seeing the photos and just being around

[00:37:40] probably that type of environment. It's it's uplifting. It's positive that that has got to be something positively affecting you also, right? Like it's got to rub off on you. Oh my gosh, yeah, it does. It does. I know it just doesn't feel like a job to me.

[00:37:58] I maybe my clients don't view me as a friend, but I feel like they're my friends. Um, or like weddings and things like that just being there. It's like I really do understand like I feel like I have a huge task.

[00:38:16] Like I am capturing like one of the best moments of your life, you know? And it truly is just such an honor to me. And it does bring me so much joy. And I sometimes, you know, stop myself and I'm like,

[00:38:32] how am I actually like able to do this? I'm just so thankful to be a part of things like that. I know I can just be the photographer, but I truly like in during your event or during like a family photo session or during, you know,

[00:38:53] gender reveal, things like that. I truly do feel how special those moments are. Might sound cheesy, but that is truly how I feel. Those are intimate moments and most of those events. They really are. You're talking about the only people that are invited are closed family members.

[00:39:14] Yeah, like you're there. I've seen Valorneals where it's just the two of them in me, like standing there capturing that and being able to like listen to the love that they have for each other.

[00:39:26] It's like real and in crazy that, like, you know, I'm able to do that. That's a tall task in a tall order. And yeah, there's good for sure. There's some pressure, especially now that you mentioned that, you know, these are intimate moments.

[00:39:42] These are probably once in a lifetime. Just the thought, yeah, exactly. I can't f this up. I'm not going to get another one. But to be able to conquer those fears and then afterwards, you have a finished product that you could show them and, you know,

[00:40:01] the joy that you bring them and then the feeling that you get. Like that's how it's supposed to be me pushing through it. I did it. Like you said earlier on, I conquered that fear

[00:40:12] and I didn't let my mind eat me up and get the best of me. I pushed past it. Yeah. And see what pictures I feel like they're telling a story, you know? Yeah, like we're telling our stories right now.

[00:40:25] You know, feel like when I'm in the moment with whomever of them couples or whomever I'm doing a photo session with, like I'm telling their story and I just want to tell it authentically. And that's like the part of the passion behind it.

[00:40:41] You think with the photography, like with all of the depression, anxiety and also you spoke about you have a therapist that you speak with. But those two things are like a big part of you being able to carry on in life and to move forward. Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

[00:41:00] You took the effort and said, you know, I was a complete mess and I sought outside help. You made that effort in that point. And that's like one of the big components of the show is just how people find the tools and resources. It looks different for everybody.

[00:41:15] We have our different walks and some people, they find it through the yards through creativity and it looks like photography. That's a big component in your living life in the here and now in a healthier manner as opposed to how it was.

[00:41:30] Yeah, I mean, if I rewind and go back to my my childhood or when I was in high school, it's definitely like dabbling in other things to cope with the traumatic events in my life, you know? And I would say, like, yes, now, like photography and working out,

[00:41:52] like all those things are my outlet. But if I rewind to when I was 18 is when I was like introduced to being a Christian. So that's part of my story, too. Like God pulling me out of the darkness I was in as a child and a teenager

[00:42:17] and giving my life over to him, too. I'd say that that's another part of my journey and my story, a big part of my journey and story. When did you as far as the photography, was this something that you've always been interested in, like even during high school?

[00:42:36] Or you just. Yeah. So when I was in high school, my grandparents gave me my first digital camera. And then in high school, I also took a a photography class and learned like all the basics to that.

[00:42:55] And I remember my my grandparents saying, oh, maybe one day you can be a photographer. And I'm like, yeah, maybe one day. And like the seed was planted and I never forgot it. It's just, you know, I guess life. And then one day after having my first daughter,

[00:43:17] it's just something that I'm like, why am I not doing this? Like, I love this. It's just like putting something down and picking it back up and just like going for it. You know, yeah, yeah.

[00:43:31] If that makes like a lot, that was a lost love that we kindled the flame after having your first daughter. It sparked back up. Exactly. But when I was a child, you know, my parents had this like VHS camcorder.

[00:43:45] And I remember like playing with that all the time, making my own dance videos or making my own news forecaster videos. And like before YouTube was even a thing, like putting together videos and stuff. And again, like as a child, that was my outlet.

[00:44:04] So all that digital media and stuff was like a big part of my life growing up. So you never never lost it, too. You might have had like some long periods of not using it, but you would pick it back up later on in life.

[00:44:18] It wasn't completely lost. Exactly. And to be able to do that for a living. I mean, how many people can say that's what you hear? Some people just follow your passion once you follow your passion and then you're doing something you love and you're getting paid for it.

[00:44:35] It doesn't even feel like a job. You're just doing something. I mean, how many people can can say that? Yeah, I'm doing something. I'm getting paid for it. And this is something that I actually enjoy doing. That's true.

[00:44:49] I think too, like I couldn't have done it like it has happened without my husband. There you go. He's always been my number one supporter and, you know, kind of similar to your story. I'm like, this is what I want to do, but I'm scared to do it.

[00:45:08] But I know that I could be good at it. And I had a vision, you know, of where I wanted to go and where I wanted to be. And my husband was always like, yeah, you can do it. You can do it, you know? And here we are.

[00:45:24] That's beautiful to have that support. I always like to say two sticks are harder to break than one. And when you have that kind of backing, that's a beautiful thing. You can he can pick you up when you feel weak and in vice versa.

[00:45:38] When he's doubting himself, you can, you know, feed him some encouraging words or let him or remind him even of some things that he might have forgotten the moment. Same way that he can do for you. And that's beautiful to have because then I'm sure that spills

[00:45:52] into the relationship you have with your children also. So that that's also creating a healthy environment in a household that I think is important nowadays, because when when a household in a family is healthy and loving and not to, you know, we have our flaws

[00:46:10] in things like that, but just that, you know, they're in a good place. That spills into the world and society. And if we have more of that, I think that definitely is going to be a plus rather than a minus. Yeah, definitely.

[00:46:25] What would you think for somebody who is interested? They've they've always liked you. This is something that they've enjoyed to do, photography or just creating. And they either doubt themselves or they don't know where to start.

[00:46:43] You have like a maybe a few tips or something that that can help them get the ball rolling. I'm sure whatever it is like you, you took some classes and basics. I mean, you do have to have an understanding of whatever you're getting involved with. Yeah, definitely.

[00:46:59] Yeah, lots of research, some education behind it and also, yeah, just starting. So like for me, I just when I started, I just started doing photoshoots for free, you know, because you don't have you don't really have a portfolio, you know? So your portfolio. Yeah, exactly.

[00:47:22] Doing photoshoots for free and some people like they might want to pay you a little bit, you know, and that's OK too. But yeah, doing that for free for a while and building your portfolio and social media was a huge thing. And just word of mouth.

[00:47:38] I've like built my whole business on word of mouth, which is just crazy and sane, like no advertising. So that's really cool. They say that's the best advertisement word of mouth. It really is. To this day, so amazing and so gracious. And I just can't thank them enough.

[00:47:57] But I think also to like just obviously I was afraid when I started, but like not being afraid. And if you have a vision, just going with that vision, you know, and just doing whatever you can and just figuring out what you need to do

[00:48:15] or like how to make this possible. Whatever like came along my path, I just figured it out and just did it. And every opportunity I said yes to and that has helped me like get to where I am today.

[00:48:31] Like even though my mind doubted myself, I still said yes and I still figured it out. How did it work out for you? Or how did it feel in the beginning to start pricing once once you got to the point where you were packaging or pricing?

[00:48:48] Did you feel a little weird about I don't know how much to charge or I'm just putting myself in even if an artist or something because I would hear people they do paintings and stuff. And like, I don't know what the price of that

[00:49:00] and someone's going to pay what they're going to pay. But I'm sure there's an industry standard, you know, kind of something that you can play off of and then just customize it from there when it when it finally came to you packaging or pricing your your services.

[00:49:14] Yeah, I think also having other photographers around me, I was able to, you know, kind of get some and yeah, I kind of get some information from them and an idea. Like am I pricing myself too low?

[00:49:31] You know, and they'd be like, yes, you know, so that's kind of like how I figured that out in the beginning. You know, I didn't I didn't charge to much. And even now I still feel like I don't charge as much as I could.

[00:49:46] But I always wanted to be like a person to where like it wasn't going to cost you like an arm and a leg for me to take photos for you. Like I do also understand like my time is valuable. You know, I have two children.

[00:50:02] Yeah. So I'm not going to like sell myself out, you know, but I do also want to be like affordable, you know, because there are some like really, really expensive and pricey photographers. And what if you want someone like that?

[00:50:20] And I don't know and you're not able to afford that. Like that's sad to me. So yeah, even driving to locations, right? You have to drive to the locations and it's expensive. OK, like the equipment that I have, you know, everything gas prices, exactly, especially in San Diego.

[00:50:41] Like everything is really expensive here. So I think that's also a factor, too, with inflation and all that. Like, yeah, your prices are unfortunately going to have to come up a little bit, you know? Yeah, that's that's going to trickle down into everything

[00:50:57] from from people that have restaurants and just the cost of food. And of course, the ingredients cost more. So the ingredients cost more and I have to up the price on this number two. Or whatever it is. Yeah. And I'm charging for my equipment.

[00:51:10] I'm charging for location, driving the location, charging for my time in post, you know, charging for all the subscriptions that I have to have because in order to function, you know, in all of the photos that you take.

[00:51:26] But then it dwindles down to a handful that they're so even going through all the photos and I don't know how that works out. Do you send them like a batch of them and say, pick the ones that you want.

[00:51:38] And then I'll take care of it in post or you do that. Some photographers do that, but I personally, you know, with my packages, I guarantee them a certain amount of photos per session. I usually take a ton of photos.

[00:51:54] So I, you know, give myself more work than I have to. But I am just, you know, paranoid and want to make sure that I get the shot or get the best shot. So yeah, I go through those photos and then I pick out what I do.

[00:52:11] And it's like the top notch photos and I edit them for them and then deliver them through an online album. And they're happy. They're happy. They they spread the good news word of mouth. And then that has worked wonders for me. Yeah.

[00:52:30] And then that like we were talking about just the whole after effect of once you go through with the whole thing, you you go through the experience, you you tackle all of the the psychological warfare that you're going through and you deliver a beautiful product

[00:52:50] and they're happy and that's just like what what what is next? What else can I conquer now? What's next on the list? Let me add it. Yep, exactly. And I just keep adding things. So has it been pretty while you're doing more than just a wedding?

[00:53:08] So it's not just seasonal, right? You're able to stay busy year round. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing just a bunch of different things. Yeah, weddings, families. I was telling you earlier, I've been doing a lot of product photography lately, which has been really cool.

[00:53:28] So, you know, I'm normally like dealing with natural light, but with product photography, I'm dealing with artificial light. So that's been really fun. You can manipulate the scene a little bit more, can't you? Yeah, exactly. Since we've talked about the photography and the services,

[00:53:51] also included in the show notes. But if you want to just let people know anybody listening who would like to maybe they're in the area or they just want to see what you're doing, like if you have any social media handles or anything

[00:54:05] you can point people to to find more of your services. Yeah. So I am very active on Instagram at Major's Photography. You'll probably you'll spell that out. Yeah. M-A-G-E-R-S, I believe. Yeah, yeah. OK, cool. So yeah, I'm pretty active on Instagram. I have a website, majorsphotography.com.

[00:54:35] I have a Facebook that I'm not very active on, but that's also Major's Photography. OK. But my website links to my email and sort of Instagram. So that's the best way to get a hold of me is through email. OK, yeah. And something else we talked about.

[00:54:54] You also hooked up with you said a magazine that should be releasing an article involving you, right? Yeah, so I hooked up with a local magazine called S.D. Voyager and they wanted to write a story about my story

[00:55:13] and how I got to where I am today with Major's Photography. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Doing big things now. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Really crazy. That's always refreshing and something that I enjoy, like how you get the kick out of the finished product and a happy customer.

[00:55:38] But whenever I'm connecting with somebody or we're we're sharing a story and to hear some of the struggles that they've had in life and also hear that they're in a better place nowadays, and then that that's something that trickles over into me too.

[00:55:55] And it always encourages me in any way, especially when I listen like how you say post editing when I'm going through it and listening to it again, you know, things they strike accord. They can inspire, they can motivate or they could just bring

[00:56:10] bring me back out of if I'm doubting myself or just feeling a certain way. So I think that's that's not even just speaking for myself personally, but anybody else on the other end hearing it who they've experienced postpartum depression. They've experienced anxiety.

[00:56:27] They've experienced as a child, maybe being poked fun of made at bullied harass for various different things. But even years later, if you're still dealing with it, there are certain things you can do. There's certain tools and resources out there to help you along the way.

[00:56:44] For you, you still do therapy. Is there any any kind of words or encouragement to somebody who may be dealing with that currently or are still struggling with some of the things that are that are still weighing on you at times?

[00:57:01] You know, when I was in my 20s, therapy wasn't as hard for me to be like, yeah, I want to go to therapy and help fix my life. I think becoming a mother therapy was a little harder to step into

[00:57:15] because I just didn't want to look unfit, you know, to be a mother. But I do think it is extremely important, especially like you, you know, have this huge role in raising your kids, you know, and I feel like it's important to be healthy for them.

[00:57:33] So, you know, the ways that I choose to be healthy for them is like, yeah, continuing to work on myself, whether it's therapy or going to the gym or running a half marathon, which I just ran a half marathon in March.

[00:57:50] Oh, wow. I got a little burnt out from that. How many miles is that? A little over 13. Yeah. Nonstop. That's just like my mind, even if I feel or believe like I can't do something, I always tell it, you can't do that.

[00:58:10] You can't do that. It's not impossible. So I think it's to like ignoring those negative thoughts that come into your head and tell you, like, for me, it's personally like, you're not good enough or you can't do that. And I'm like, watch me.

[00:58:29] So yeah, that's, I don't know, that's always been my struggle. Is my mind. So yeah, in therapy learning ways to help change that or focus on the positives versus like the negatives. But yeah, I would say that therapy is really important and even exercise

[00:58:54] is really important, even though I don't feel like it all the time, you know, but I just know how much it changes the way that my mind feels and the way that my body feels. The mind, wherever it's at, the body is going to follow.

[00:59:07] Yeah, with with movement, exercise, all that, that comes into play. And that's something that's very important, especially the older we get. And good thing for you, your line of work, you're out there and you're interacting, moving around and stuff.

[00:59:19] And then you also do physical exercise on the side if it's running or training or going to the gym. But some people they're in the office all day long. And yeah, they don't have much motion or anything going on.

[00:59:30] And that machine starts breaking down and that's going to affect you, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. Just the simple task of moving around, exercising, getting the blood flowing and do something. Definitely. I mean, I didn't even think about that either.

[00:59:47] Like my job, I get to go with a beach for photo sessions. I get to go to parks, you know, I get to work outdoors. Yeah, getting some sunshine. And exactly. So I'm like, man, how lucky am I?

[01:00:03] Yeah, I see there's some people in that work in the office and they for lunchtime, they do little laps around the parking lot or something just to get a little bit of sunlight because they're in their indoors all day long.

[01:00:16] But imagine they say in your case, you're getting to be outside, breathe in the fresh air and have some sunlight hitting your face. And at the beach and those type of locations. Oh, wow, that's that's a beautiful thing. It is. Sign me up. All right, let's go.

[01:00:35] You can be my second. Sure. Now, from aside from those, just to get back on that one more time, but aside from those classes in high school, the rest of it, you just learned on the job by hands on experience. Yeah, self taught. Exactly.

[01:00:50] And, you know, before I was doing that, I worked at a physical therapy clinic and, you know, they hired me without certification. And that was also like, oh, wow, taught as well. So I'm just like a self taught woman over here. How about that?

[01:01:12] Yeah, but I've always loved, you know, multimedia and I've always just like had a passion for it. Yeah, even aside from like photography, when I was a kid, I also had like a beat mixer. So I'd like make my own. Oh, cool. All right. So just creating.

[01:01:31] Yeah, yeah. And you still play around with with making beats beats or anything like that? Beats, no. Unfortunately, I didn't have that. That's a lot. That's a lot to put on your play. You're a mother, a wife, photographer. It's cool though. You can't spread yourself too thin.

[01:01:50] Yeah, it's cool though, like watching my oldest daughter because I feel like she's like very similar to me. She's very artistic when it comes to music or when it comes to drawing or things like that or her makeup, you know?

[01:02:07] I feel like she is on like the same side of that, you know? Like, I'm like, what are you going to do when you get older? You know? Yeah, it's gotta be. Something crafty. Oh, that's cool. See what turns up of that? Yeah. That's nice to have.

[01:02:23] And that's a blessing in itself to be able to do something you love. You have a passionate about and to get paid for it. And in the process of all of that, people are happy. They're they're able to look back and experience that moment,

[01:02:40] that precious moment, reliving it. Those memories that are forever frozen in time and you're able to create that and deliver that to people. So that's a beautiful thing. And especially dealing with all of the things that you deal with leading up to it

[01:02:57] and the things that you've dealt with just in life in general, from a child on up, but still trucking, trying to live life the best you can and to be there for not only your husband, but your children. And that's a beautiful thing.

[01:03:11] And I think that's something that we can all be motivated and encouraged by. That's always great to hear. And I appreciate the time you took today. I know you have a busy schedule and sharing some of your experience,

[01:03:24] your some of those dark times, but also those good times. If you have anything that you'd like to leave off with or any final words, feel free. All right. Well, just yeah, thank you for having me on your show. It's been an honor.

[01:03:42] Thank you for letting me share my story. I appreciate it. I just hope that maybe it could help. Absolutely. I believe it will. I hope so. That's my hope. And all of the links, all the links that you want to provide, I'll share that in the show notes.

[01:03:59] So if there's people listening, because there's people that listen from Europe to the US, a lot of people in the US, California, different areas in California. So I'm sure if there's anybody in the area and they want to see more of what you have to offer,

[01:04:15] then they can go ahead and find that in the show notes. And again, Kim. Yes, lots of big friends. I need more friends. Yeah. And yeah, thank you again for taking time out of your day. I wish you all the best in your endeavors

[01:04:30] and just keep doing you. Thank you. I wish you all the best too and all the success in whatever you're doing in life, your podcast or whatever. I hope the best for you. Appreciate it. Thank you. The show must go on,

[01:04:46] but I'm sure we've all been there before. Following a great idea we have, a dream that we woke up to or a grand thought and that's the fear of failure. It's the doubt of missing the mark, falling flat on her face. What if we fall? It could happen.

[01:05:03] It's a possibility. But what if we learn to fly? And Kim took it there, who in spite of her insecurities, her fears and the stress and pressures of not being able to perform and deliver the best possible product for her clients. She had a love, passion and spirit

[01:05:23] that was fixed on creating and capturing raw human emotion and experiences through her photography. And that love to create was far greater than that fear of failure. A success she would have never known had she not tested herself and took those risks.

[01:05:41] Kim also credits the love and support of her husband, her faith in God and therapy that's helped her along the way. These were stones, her bricks, the meanings and values that help build a solid foundation she stands on today.

[01:05:58] Something she looks to instill in both of her daughters. The fact that at one of her darkest hours, she reached out for help desperately, not just for her own sake, but for the sake of her daughters. She wanted to be well and able

[01:06:14] to create hand in hand with their husband, a healthy and loving environment in which to raise both of their children. And these are the type of stories that are a breath of fresh air for me because I know a lot of people

[01:06:27] who were raised by everyone but their parents. Kim, I wanna thank you again for taking a page out of your book and sharing some of that with us today. You are a giant amongst us. All the best to you. The work that you're doing as a photographer,

[01:06:45] your business and your wonderful family out in sunny San Diego. If you guys live in the area and wanna get in touch with Kim so she can help you capture one of your precious moments. Or if you're interested in checking out her work and her portfolio,

[01:07:01] you can find the links to all of her contacts in the show notes. And a big thank you to everybody tuned in far and near appreciate you all from South America, North America, all throughout the US, Europe, United Kingdom, South Africa, Ireland, Canada, Australia.

[01:07:21] I've even seen hits from Russia, China. So you guys thank you so much for being a part of this human experience. And if you wanna reach out, share some thoughts, give your feedback or let me know where you're listening from how you're listening to the show,

[01:07:38] feel free, all of that information will be provided. It's there in the show notes and something that you can also do free of charges on whichever streaming platform you're listening to, whether it be Spotify or Deezer, you can give it a rating.

[01:07:52] So that way we can help it get in between more ears. So I hope you guys enjoyed the show. We're gonna catch up and do this again real soon. You guys be safe out there. You guys be sane. Don't forget to tell your loved ones,

[01:08:06] you love them while you still have them. And as the sun sets over here on this side of town, I'd like to remind you if you would like to be a part of this show and share your story or even a story of someone in your life

[01:08:23] that has impacted you in a positive way, you can always reach out to me via email. I'd be happy to connect. Until next time and very soon. Peace. Do-up, do-up, do-up, do-du-du, do-up, do-up. Looking for a sign to know I'm on the right road. And seen no signs

[01:08:57] since Jericho.