Real stories, told by real people.
Back with another one!! Hope this finds you well? Today, Sarah joins us, and she's got a story to tell.
Raised in a strict religious community, and what Sarah called a cult. She eventually fled to the woods at 13 years old. Jumping on her bike, and pedaling along a lonely, dark road for 10 kilometers, in Northern British Columbia. With the threat of wildlife, no navigational tools, and the cold, Canadian chill. These are extreme conditions for anyone. But, Sarah was willing to take the risk.
The trauma, survival, healing, and courage to rebuild a life from the ground up, is only half of Sarah's story. She's got a message and a genuine desire to help others rise above their own hardships and find their inner strength. I'm pleased to bring to you another GIANTS AMONGST US. Let's get into it, shall we?
'Til next time
and very soon,
PEACE!
_____
Sarah Carrington :
Author of Where Do I Belong? | Memoirist • Survivor • Advocate
Amazon : Where Do I Belong
Substack : Memoir Reflections
Blog: WordPress – Stories from My Childhood
Instagram : @sarah.carrington.author
TikTok : @sarahcarrington44
Facebook : Author Page
Pinterest : pin.it/4UTIYqoUF
_____
Connect With Giants Amongst Us :
Website : https://giantsamongstus.org/
Show Updates & Extras : buymeacoffee.com/Giantsamongstus
YouTube : https://youtube.com/@giantsamongstus?si=nbTNcyvSL-n4N00u
Twitter : https://x.com/GiantsAmongstUs
_____
Background music by :
@bnoizemusic
00:00:02 --> 00:00:46 you're mean you are now tuned in to the unique
00:00:46 --> 00:00:50 human experience and we're coming in full stride
00:00:50 --> 00:00:55 bringing you episode number 55 ladies and gentlemen
00:00:55 --> 00:01:00 welcome to the show this is giants amongst us
00:01:00 --> 00:01:03 it's a place where we share in that unique human
00:01:03 --> 00:01:06 experience and this is where you're going to
00:01:06 --> 00:01:11 hear real stories that are told by real people
00:01:12 --> 00:01:16 people just like yourself these are raw testaments
00:01:16 --> 00:01:21 true genuine examples of what the human spirit
00:01:21 --> 00:01:27 is capable of the resilient human spirit this
00:01:27 --> 00:01:31 is about overcoming obstacles this is about transcending
00:01:31 --> 00:01:36 struggles and challenges in creating new experiences
00:01:36 --> 00:01:41 for oneself self discovery It isn't a destination,
00:01:41 --> 00:01:44 but a journey. And we're here to take that ride
00:01:44 --> 00:01:47 together. So if this is your first time tuning
00:01:47 --> 00:01:51 in, kick your feet up, please do stay a while.
00:01:51 --> 00:01:54 And if you've been here before, thank you for
00:01:54 --> 00:01:58 checking back in with us. We've got a great conversation
00:01:58 --> 00:02:03 today. Sarah joins us and she's got a story to
00:02:03 --> 00:02:08 tell. Between having seen those videos about
00:02:08 --> 00:02:11 mind control and then that huge trauma along
00:02:11 --> 00:02:16 with hitting puberty I was angry and hurt and
00:02:16 --> 00:02:19 so lost and it only took me about three more
00:02:19 --> 00:02:24 months and the leader made the mistake of just
00:02:25 --> 00:02:29 being extremely overbearing and trying to dictate
00:02:29 --> 00:02:31 what I did right at that exact moment. I said,
00:02:31 --> 00:02:34 bye mom, go out on my bicycle. And I pedaled
00:02:34 --> 00:02:38 down that dirt road for 10 kilometres or whatever
00:02:38 --> 00:02:41 to the nearest gas station. I had no plan, but,
00:02:41 --> 00:02:44 and I walked out, I was done. I was like, I am
00:02:44 --> 00:02:47 done with you all. 13. Ladies and gentlemen,
00:02:48 --> 00:02:52 without further ado, this is Sarah and her story.
00:02:55 --> 00:02:57 This is where we share in a unique human experience
00:02:57 --> 00:03:02 and I'm happy To introduce to you the lady of
00:03:02 --> 00:03:05 the hour Sarah. I want to thank you once again
00:03:05 --> 00:03:07 We had a nice conversation before we started
00:03:07 --> 00:03:09 recording, but I want to thank you once again
00:03:09 --> 00:03:12 For taking time out of your day. You could have
00:03:12 --> 00:03:14 been anywhere. You could have been doing anything
00:03:14 --> 00:03:17 But we're here having to sit down and sharing
00:03:17 --> 00:03:20 the conversation. How are you doing? How's it
00:03:20 --> 00:03:23 going? It's going great. Yeah. I really appreciate
00:03:23 --> 00:03:25 you having me and sharing your time with me as
00:03:25 --> 00:03:28 well. Absolutely. I'm going to say it again.
00:03:28 --> 00:03:31 The pleasure is mine. Like I said, we had a great,
00:03:31 --> 00:03:34 great conversation and you caught me up to speed
00:03:34 --> 00:03:38 on some of your backstory. some of the things
00:03:38 --> 00:03:41 that you went through in life and how it made
00:03:41 --> 00:03:43 and shaped you to the person you are today. But
00:03:43 --> 00:03:45 I'm interested to hear more about it. I just
00:03:45 --> 00:03:48 want to because I told you beforehand that I
00:03:48 --> 00:03:53 had your WordPress pulled up just to preface
00:03:53 --> 00:03:56 it all and just quote a couple of lines from
00:03:56 --> 00:03:59 that. I thought it was a good way to bring you
00:03:59 --> 00:04:02 on and then let you get into your story and kind
00:04:02 --> 00:04:06 of unpack some of your journey and the things
00:04:06 --> 00:04:09 that you had to go through, the things you had
00:04:09 --> 00:04:14 to persevere through, and how you were able to
00:04:14 --> 00:04:18 just create the changes in your life and to move
00:04:18 --> 00:04:21 out of some things that weren't as healthy or
00:04:21 --> 00:04:25 it wasn't a healthy situation for you. And this
00:04:25 --> 00:04:30 is on your WordPress website. I just liked how
00:04:30 --> 00:04:33 you put it. Where are we at? Okay, right here
00:04:33 --> 00:04:38 it says, a child of, and it says, is me, a child
00:04:38 --> 00:04:42 of a commune, a youth of the street, a woman
00:04:42 --> 00:04:46 trying to find her way. I have a story like we
00:04:46 --> 00:04:49 all do. I'm trying to share it bit by bit, memory
00:04:49 --> 00:04:53 by memory. And this was found on your WordPress
00:04:53 --> 00:04:56 website. And with that being said, Sarah, just
00:04:56 --> 00:05:00 to break the ice and get some of this emotion.
00:05:00 --> 00:05:02 You mind sharing a bit of where you come from
00:05:02 --> 00:05:05 and how it was for you growing up? Sure. Okay.
00:05:05 --> 00:05:10 Well, I was born and raised in a religious commune.
00:05:10 --> 00:05:14 I reference it as a cult, actually, in my memoir,
00:05:15 --> 00:05:18 primarily because it had just one leader. You
00:05:18 --> 00:05:20 know, they followed one leader. And then, of
00:05:20 --> 00:05:24 course, there was an author who then dictated,
00:05:24 --> 00:05:27 you know, how we lived our lives very explicitly.
00:05:27 --> 00:05:30 right down to what we ate, when we ate, when
00:05:30 --> 00:05:35 we slept, how much we slept, what we wore, the
00:05:35 --> 00:05:37 segregation, the proper age groups for marriage
00:05:37 --> 00:05:41 for men and women. It was a very strict, solemn
00:05:41 --> 00:05:44 upbringing. I mean, some of it had really good
00:05:44 --> 00:05:48 ideas. We grew our own food and lived off the
00:05:48 --> 00:05:51 land. And I mean, I love that now, you know,
00:05:51 --> 00:05:54 but. On the other hand, when you have a commune
00:05:54 --> 00:05:57 like that, predators go live there, or people
00:05:57 --> 00:06:00 who are narcissists, or, you know, you get a
00:06:00 --> 00:06:03 lot of problem people as well. And when you're
00:06:03 --> 00:06:07 a child born and raised in that, you don't get
00:06:07 --> 00:06:10 equipped with the tools and skills that you need
00:06:10 --> 00:06:13 to protect yourself. So that can make it hard.
00:06:13 --> 00:06:16 But that's how I started my life, and then I
00:06:16 --> 00:06:19 went from there. Now, you were brought up, this
00:06:19 --> 00:06:22 was your parents that were involved? involved
00:06:22 --> 00:06:25 with it. And of course you were a product of
00:06:25 --> 00:06:27 that because of the involvement of your parents.
00:06:27 --> 00:06:30 Were there a lot of other children your age that
00:06:30 --> 00:06:35 were also part of the commune? You know, there
00:06:35 --> 00:06:38 were, I mean, not a lot, maybe half a dozen.
00:06:39 --> 00:06:42 Between birth and being 13, I lived in three
00:06:42 --> 00:06:45 different communes throughout British Columbia.
00:06:45 --> 00:06:50 I grew up in Canada. And so You know, we lived
00:06:50 --> 00:06:52 at one place until I was about seven and then
00:06:52 --> 00:06:56 my father felt God telling him to go to another
00:06:56 --> 00:06:59 one. Same religion, it was based off the Seventh
00:06:59 --> 00:07:02 -day Adventist Church. So then we moved and there
00:07:02 --> 00:07:05 were a few kids there, but there was no school,
00:07:05 --> 00:07:08 like there was no education system for young
00:07:08 --> 00:07:11 kids. I did get homeschooled with my ABCs and
00:07:11 --> 00:07:14 things like that when I was seven, but it was
00:07:14 --> 00:07:19 very haphazard. education, in part just due to
00:07:19 --> 00:07:23 my mother's mental health and lack thereof at
00:07:23 --> 00:07:26 the time. And some families did not want their
00:07:26 --> 00:07:29 children playing with other kids, so I had very
00:07:29 --> 00:07:33 limited socialization with kids my age. We weren't
00:07:33 --> 00:07:34 allowed sleepovers because they didn't believe
00:07:34 --> 00:07:37 in that. So it was like everybody just in their
00:07:37 --> 00:07:40 own little bubble, but still part of a commune.
00:07:40 --> 00:07:43 Yeah, you worship together, you work the fields
00:07:43 --> 00:07:47 together, but then you go home and you're, yeah,
00:07:47 --> 00:07:50 it's very segregated. Did they have you, the
00:07:50 --> 00:07:52 young ones, did they have you guys doing some
00:07:52 --> 00:07:54 hard labor or? Yeah, I worked in a sawmill when
00:07:54 --> 00:07:59 I was 11, a dunnage mill, and then I went from
00:07:59 --> 00:08:03 that to working in the cafeteria when I was 12.
00:08:04 --> 00:08:07 cooking from scratch. I will probably never make
00:08:07 --> 00:08:09 pierogies because I made pierogies from scratch
00:08:09 --> 00:08:13 for like 40 people. Wow. You said 11, 12 years
00:08:13 --> 00:08:17 old? 11, 12 years old. Yep. Yep. You're cooking
00:08:17 --> 00:08:21 for an army, a platoon. Yeah. And then you clean
00:08:21 --> 00:08:26 after. And because I was a true child. I didn't
00:08:26 --> 00:08:29 feel like cleaning one day after and I squirted
00:08:29 --> 00:08:31 soap all over the floor with some water so I
00:08:31 --> 00:08:33 could just run and slide, like kind of make a
00:08:33 --> 00:08:36 slide on the linoleum. Yeah, yeah. It was a lot
00:08:36 --> 00:08:41 of fun. But then I had to clean it. That was
00:08:41 --> 00:08:47 a lot of work. Just like wash up easily. Wow.
00:08:49 --> 00:08:51 You know, I've heard I've heard people that are
00:08:51 --> 00:08:54 involved. insert these high controlled groups
00:08:54 --> 00:08:58 and sometimes the schedule I've heard with some
00:08:58 --> 00:09:01 people talking about could be very, very rigid,
00:09:01 --> 00:09:04 like where they have you from seven or eight
00:09:04 --> 00:09:07 o 'clock in the morning till who knows in the
00:09:07 --> 00:09:10 evening time where you're doing Bible studies
00:09:10 --> 00:09:14 or you're learning verses in your prayer, you
00:09:14 --> 00:09:17 know, just one thing after the other to kind
00:09:17 --> 00:09:20 of keep you occupied to where there's no room
00:09:20 --> 00:09:23 to wiggle around and get your hands into something
00:09:23 --> 00:09:27 else. Was that how it was? Exactly. Yeah, it
00:09:27 --> 00:09:30 was like that. And it's also so you don't have
00:09:30 --> 00:09:34 time for free thought. I'm glad you said that.
00:09:35 --> 00:09:41 I actually have a I can't think of the word loving
00:09:41 --> 00:09:45 perimenopause. I have a post on WordPress. I
00:09:45 --> 00:09:47 believe it's called the best gift my father could
00:09:47 --> 00:09:52 have given me. And what it was is back in the
00:09:52 --> 00:09:55 late 80s, they had some studies that they did,
00:09:55 --> 00:09:59 I think documentaries on VHS about mind control
00:09:59 --> 00:10:01 and the communes and the mind control that they
00:10:01 --> 00:10:04 did, which was similar to what you described,
00:10:04 --> 00:10:07 where you, you know, you're segregated. You can't
00:10:07 --> 00:10:09 communicate with anybody that doesn't live in
00:10:09 --> 00:10:11 that community. You're not allowed time alone.
00:10:11 --> 00:10:16 You're kept busy. The diet control of information,
00:10:16 --> 00:10:20 control of information. a bit of sleep deprivation,
00:10:20 --> 00:10:24 a bit of emotional deprivation. And that's how
00:10:24 --> 00:10:27 you make a person malleable, right, to your way
00:10:27 --> 00:10:31 of thinking. And then you do this long enough,
00:10:31 --> 00:10:33 they start coming around to it and going, oh,
00:10:33 --> 00:10:36 well, okay, yeah, that does sound right. And
00:10:36 --> 00:10:40 so he watched these and let me sit and watch
00:10:40 --> 00:10:43 them with him. And we didn't have television
00:10:43 --> 00:10:45 and things like that. So this was something we
00:10:45 --> 00:10:49 did in the chapel on the school. TV and VCR over
00:10:49 --> 00:10:54 a Christmas break. And he passed away actually
00:10:54 --> 00:10:58 a couple of months after that. But it made me
00:10:58 --> 00:11:05 think like, hey, that's a lot like us. And how
00:11:05 --> 00:11:10 old were you? 12. Okay, wow. But you had a there
00:11:10 --> 00:11:12 was a thought right there. There was a yeah,
00:11:12 --> 00:11:15 a little light bulb went off. Wait a minute.
00:11:15 --> 00:11:19 This sounds and looks very familiar. Yeah, and
00:11:19 --> 00:11:21 it's carried me through life. I've done, you
00:11:21 --> 00:11:24 know and in my 30s I did some self -help groups
00:11:24 --> 00:11:31 and I was like, hey, I I know this line of crap.
00:11:31 --> 00:11:35 You're selling me here I've been there When we're
00:11:35 --> 00:11:39 in in a fix or challenges or we have we have
00:11:39 --> 00:11:42 problems whatever or even the trauma There's
00:11:42 --> 00:11:46 always a lesson to be had there is yeah as long
00:11:46 --> 00:11:50 as we're willing to see it and hear it. And I
00:11:50 --> 00:11:53 think that was a big part of why I wrote my memoir
00:11:53 --> 00:11:57 and why I'm working on the second one is we all
00:11:57 --> 00:12:01 face hardship. It's all different. We all have
00:12:01 --> 00:12:05 a different story. But many of us are lonely
00:12:05 --> 00:12:07 or struggling with things or afraid of change
00:12:07 --> 00:12:10 or whatever we're facing. And it's like, hey,
00:12:11 --> 00:12:14 we can do it. I did it. Here's my story. Maybe
00:12:14 --> 00:12:16 some of this will speak to you and help you because
00:12:16 --> 00:12:20 we all face hardships all through life. Yeah,
00:12:20 --> 00:12:22 there's no escaping that. That's that's one thing
00:12:22 --> 00:12:24 that's going to be for certain. We're going to
00:12:24 --> 00:12:27 deal with a few shakes and bumps along the road.
00:12:28 --> 00:12:30 Like I said, if I if I ask something that. You
00:12:30 --> 00:12:32 don't feel comfortable asking, you can go ahead,
00:12:33 --> 00:12:36 but I'm just out of curiosity. I'm curious, was
00:12:36 --> 00:12:39 there also, did you experience abuse under the
00:12:39 --> 00:12:42 name of God while you were involved in this cult?
00:12:42 --> 00:12:46 Was there physical abuse or emotional abuse for
00:12:46 --> 00:12:50 sure? Psychological abuse? Emotional abuse for
00:12:50 --> 00:12:54 sure, yeah. I was very fortunate. So there was
00:12:54 --> 00:12:58 definitely some male predators, especially at
00:12:58 --> 00:13:02 that last school. that I was at. I called a school
00:13:02 --> 00:13:07 the commune and I was really fortunate that it
00:13:07 --> 00:13:11 didn't get taken too far. I don't know even starting
00:13:11 --> 00:13:14 is too far but but still but there were other
00:13:14 --> 00:13:18 people that it did go too far and they were afraid
00:13:18 --> 00:13:23 to say anything and after I walked away I did
00:13:23 --> 00:13:27 go well I didn't go. One of the girls that she
00:13:27 --> 00:13:30 tried to run away because she was just so tired
00:13:30 --> 00:13:34 of the abuse and of course they caught her and
00:13:34 --> 00:13:36 sent her back to her family and she had I think
00:13:36 --> 00:13:39 three generations of abusive men in her family
00:13:39 --> 00:13:42 not counting the people that were at the community
00:13:42 --> 00:13:46 and it was just growing up it was a given there
00:13:46 --> 00:13:48 was just the knowledge like you don't be alone
00:13:48 --> 00:13:50 with that man or you just make sure that you're
00:13:50 --> 00:13:52 not alone with that man and it was acceptable.
00:13:54 --> 00:13:57 which is not acceptable. So, but anyway, so she,
00:13:58 --> 00:13:59 you know, of course with the police picking her
00:13:59 --> 00:14:01 up and running away and returning her and she
00:14:01 --> 00:14:02 was like, I don't want to go back because this
00:14:02 --> 00:14:05 is happening to me. And so then they tried to
00:14:05 --> 00:14:08 get her help and out of fear, she, she recanted
00:14:08 --> 00:14:12 her story, but also named me as one of the other
00:14:12 --> 00:14:17 victims of some of these men. So I actually went
00:14:17 --> 00:14:21 all the way to court with it. and that is it's
00:14:21 --> 00:14:23 actually that some of that's in my memoir. It
00:14:23 --> 00:14:30 was terrifying. I was 15, 16 by then and I was
00:14:30 --> 00:14:33 living with a family at the time in a small northern
00:14:33 --> 00:14:36 community and the woman that had taken me under
00:14:36 --> 00:14:39 her wing, bless her, she was so supportive and
00:14:39 --> 00:14:44 really helped give me strength and so I did that
00:14:44 --> 00:14:49 but because it was my word against this person's
00:14:49 --> 00:14:52 word, It didn't go further, like there was no
00:14:52 --> 00:14:57 conviction, but he was also an auxiliary police
00:14:57 --> 00:14:59 officer, this one person in particular, and so
00:14:59 --> 00:15:03 he lost his ability to, you know, be an auxiliary
00:15:03 --> 00:15:06 police officer, which sounds small, but it's
00:15:06 --> 00:15:09 not, because that's when someone is, like, waving
00:15:09 --> 00:15:13 this piece of control over you. You know, like
00:15:13 --> 00:15:15 I'm a police officer, I'm a part of the law.
00:15:15 --> 00:15:17 You have to listen to me. I can make things terrible
00:15:17 --> 00:15:20 for you, for your family. The authority figure,
00:15:20 --> 00:15:24 huh? Yeah. And he was investigated and taken
00:15:24 --> 00:15:27 to court many times over the decades. And then
00:15:27 --> 00:15:30 the year that I published my book, 2023, they
00:15:30 --> 00:15:35 finally, two young sisters in their very early
00:15:35 --> 00:15:38 teens at a small town here in British Columbia,
00:15:38 --> 00:15:41 they were successful. And he ended up being convicted.
00:15:42 --> 00:15:46 I mean, it's only one man out of all of them,
00:15:46 --> 00:15:49 but I mean, you know, it took decades, but finally.
00:15:49 --> 00:15:52 And what was, I don't know if you were, you were
00:15:52 --> 00:15:55 able to follow a lot of the cases along throughout
00:15:55 --> 00:15:58 that time, but I wonder what it was that was
00:15:58 --> 00:16:01 always the reason they weren't able to convict
00:16:01 --> 00:16:03 them. Was it just, like you said, some of the
00:16:03 --> 00:16:06 victims, they recant out of fear? Well, and there's
00:16:06 --> 00:16:09 no evidence. How do you, how do you prove that?
00:16:09 --> 00:16:13 It's just... by word right you're going by somebody's
00:16:13 --> 00:16:15 word and you're in a community where there's
00:16:15 --> 00:16:18 there's no electronics there's no like worldly
00:16:18 --> 00:16:21 anything you have a lot of these young women
00:16:21 --> 00:16:27 who are like just raised to be you know radios
00:16:27 --> 00:16:31 allowed no Whoa, okay, so the one -eyed devil,
00:16:32 --> 00:16:35 that's out of the picture, the TV, the boob tube
00:16:35 --> 00:16:38 is gone, and also the radio. The radio, there's
00:16:38 --> 00:16:40 no newspaper, there's no... Well, that comes
00:16:40 --> 00:16:42 down to the whole, it's a control of information,
00:16:43 --> 00:16:45 right? You want to control what comes in, you
00:16:45 --> 00:16:47 want to control what goes out. Yep, and when
00:16:47 --> 00:16:50 we did go to town, it was supervised, we went
00:16:50 --> 00:16:53 in groups, it was maybe twice a year. They knew
00:16:53 --> 00:16:56 us. Wow. Because we had like... You know, it
00:16:56 --> 00:16:59 was no makeup. Girls, women didn't cut their
00:16:59 --> 00:17:02 hair. You were segregated, male and female. We
00:17:02 --> 00:17:04 wore long flowing skirts. So if it was winter,
00:17:04 --> 00:17:06 you had that over top of your pants or your snow
00:17:06 --> 00:17:11 pants. When I swam, I swam in a skirt. So I drowned
00:17:11 --> 00:17:18 well. Swim like a rock. Straight to the bottom.
00:17:24 --> 00:17:28 That's a scary thing. I mean, talk about a cat
00:17:28 --> 00:17:31 with nine lives. You know, Sarah, I know you
00:17:31 --> 00:17:34 brought it up and this was a while back, but
00:17:34 --> 00:17:36 this whole idea when you said you were watching
00:17:36 --> 00:17:40 the, was it CBS with your father? It was a VHS
00:17:40 --> 00:17:43 video. He ran the documentaries. Yeah. A VHS.
00:17:44 --> 00:17:46 When something went off in your head and you
00:17:46 --> 00:17:49 say, wow, this kind of looks and sounds familiar.
00:17:49 --> 00:17:52 Was that like the seed that was planted in you
00:17:52 --> 00:17:56 to where eventually in time or I don't know how
00:17:56 --> 00:17:59 long it took from that to where you started to
00:17:59 --> 00:18:03 try to seek out ways to just get the hell out
00:18:03 --> 00:18:07 of there. Well, it did. So that that would have
00:18:07 --> 00:18:10 been December. And then I actually would have
00:18:10 --> 00:18:14 just turned 13. And then my father actually tragically
00:18:14 --> 00:18:22 passed away three months later. And so I was
00:18:22 --> 00:18:26 just horribly distraught. Like, horribly distraught.
00:18:26 --> 00:18:30 It was just a horrifying accident. And I lost
00:18:30 --> 00:18:32 everything that seemed normal after that because
00:18:32 --> 00:18:35 we had home heading is how they called it. So
00:18:35 --> 00:18:41 the commune was also a boarding school. So for
00:18:41 --> 00:18:43 kids that would go to high school. It wasn't
00:18:43 --> 00:18:45 an accredited school, so they didn't know this.
00:18:45 --> 00:18:46 They were there going to school, but they actually
00:18:46 --> 00:18:49 didn't get a diploma if they were going to go
00:18:49 --> 00:18:52 to college after. I shouldn't laugh, but I'm
00:18:52 --> 00:18:55 like, really? Because they graduated and went
00:18:55 --> 00:18:57 to go to college after, and they had to redo
00:18:57 --> 00:19:02 high school. Oh, okay. That was the ticket. Right?
00:19:05 --> 00:19:08 We had boys living in our home when I grew up.
00:19:08 --> 00:19:10 So we had these teenage boys living in because
00:19:10 --> 00:19:14 we had huge, you know, three story houses with
00:19:14 --> 00:19:16 five bedrooms upstairs. And so I had loads of
00:19:16 --> 00:19:18 brothers growing up, all these boys that came.
00:19:19 --> 00:19:22 Their families didn't. It was their ultimatum.
00:19:22 --> 00:19:24 You go the army or you go homeless or you go
00:19:24 --> 00:19:27 to this religious commune, right? These were
00:19:27 --> 00:19:30 unhappy young men. So they lived in our home.
00:19:30 --> 00:19:33 So when my father died, like we went camping.
00:19:34 --> 00:19:37 and he fell off a cliff, we were rolling rocks,
00:19:38 --> 00:19:41 and I come home and not only is my father dead,
00:19:41 --> 00:19:44 all my brothers are gone. I'm now in this huge
00:19:44 --> 00:19:47 house that's empty with my mom. It was like the
00:19:47 --> 00:19:52 loss of everything. And the preacher said, it
00:19:52 --> 00:19:56 was God's will. And I said, F you, and stormed
00:19:56 --> 00:20:00 out, because I was, screw God if that's his will,
00:20:00 --> 00:20:03 okay? That is not the thing you say to a little
00:20:03 --> 00:20:07 girl. you know and so that between having seen
00:20:07 --> 00:20:11 those videos about mind control and then that
00:20:11 --> 00:20:16 huge trauma along with hitting puberty I was
00:20:16 --> 00:20:21 I was angry and hurt and so lost and it only
00:20:21 --> 00:20:24 took me about three more months and the leader
00:20:24 --> 00:20:29 made the mistake of just being extremely overbearing
00:20:29 --> 00:20:33 and trying to dictate what I did right at that
00:20:33 --> 00:20:37 exact moment. And I said, bye mom, got on my
00:20:37 --> 00:20:41 bicycle and I pedaled down that dirt road for
00:20:41 --> 00:20:43 10 kilometers or whatever to the nearest gas
00:20:43 --> 00:20:46 station. I had no plan, but, and I walked out.
00:20:46 --> 00:20:51 I was done. I was like, I am done with you. 13.
00:20:52 --> 00:20:58 At 13 years old. Wow. Talk about just. I mean,
00:20:59 --> 00:21:02 you're getting in the wind. You have no clue
00:21:02 --> 00:21:06 how it's gonna work. You just were pushed to
00:21:06 --> 00:21:09 your, and some people are gonna roll over. They're
00:21:09 --> 00:21:12 just gonna roll out. And you chose to roll out
00:21:12 --> 00:21:16 at 13. I mean, and that's probably, I mean, it's
00:21:16 --> 00:21:19 not planned. You're doing this on a whim. Just
00:21:19 --> 00:21:22 you were pushed. completely to the edge where
00:21:22 --> 00:21:26 you have no idea what's next, what's to come,
00:21:26 --> 00:21:28 how I'm going to survive. I mean, what's going
00:21:28 --> 00:21:31 through your head? You're probably a mixed bag
00:21:31 --> 00:21:36 of emotions. I sure was. I. I then went, oh.
00:21:39 --> 00:21:42 10 kilometers, that's not just around the corner.
00:21:43 --> 00:21:47 No, this is northern. This is northern B .C.
00:21:47 --> 00:21:52 You have bears and. Oh, you have wildlife to
00:21:52 --> 00:21:55 deal with on top of the elements. You've got
00:21:55 --> 00:21:57 the two -legged kai and the four -legged kai
00:21:57 --> 00:22:00 and the elements. And I was like, oh, what did
00:22:00 --> 00:22:09 I do? Wow. And I managed. But you were willing
00:22:09 --> 00:22:12 to take your chances. That's how fed up you were.
00:22:12 --> 00:22:17 I was not going back. My goodness. And my mom
00:22:17 --> 00:22:19 just let me she was like, okay. See you later.
00:22:19 --> 00:22:23 You think maybe she had a Feeling that okay,
00:22:23 --> 00:22:24 you're not gonna go too far. You're gonna turn
00:22:24 --> 00:22:28 around and come back, you know I would be curious
00:22:28 --> 00:22:31 what she would say to that because I Ended up
00:22:31 --> 00:22:33 calling someone who came and got me from the
00:22:33 --> 00:22:35 gas station on the side of the road and we went
00:22:35 --> 00:22:39 back and packed a suitcase and She just was like,
00:22:39 --> 00:22:41 okay. Here's a suitcase. You can have pack your
00:22:41 --> 00:22:46 stuff off you go Yeah, and then After about six
00:22:46 --> 00:22:49 months, I was like, okay, like I miss my I had
00:22:49 --> 00:22:52 baby brothers and sister and and you know and
00:22:52 --> 00:22:55 I love my mom and I wanted to go home and so
00:22:55 --> 00:22:58 I was home visiting and I wanted to go back I
00:22:58 --> 00:23:01 wanted to go back and just live with my mom and
00:23:01 --> 00:23:04 live on that commune and everything and so they
00:23:04 --> 00:23:06 had to put it to a vote with the leaders and
00:23:06 --> 00:23:12 and they said no and and She was like, okay,
00:23:12 --> 00:23:16 you can't live here You can go live, we'll find
00:23:16 --> 00:23:17 somewhere else where you'll live. Like she was
00:23:17 --> 00:23:20 okay with it. Where were you staying at up until
00:23:20 --> 00:23:23 then, those six months when you were out on your
00:23:23 --> 00:23:26 own? Were you just floating in the wind? Yeah,
00:23:26 --> 00:23:30 the first few years my mom worked through the
00:23:30 --> 00:23:34 church, the religious network system, and so
00:23:34 --> 00:23:37 she had me staying with a family actually who
00:23:37 --> 00:23:40 lived in the home I had originally been born
00:23:40 --> 00:23:43 in. So I had my old bedroom from when I was a
00:23:43 --> 00:23:48 little girl living in Southern BC. Still on a
00:23:48 --> 00:23:51 religious commune, but I wasn't allowed to go
00:23:51 --> 00:23:53 to school. They had a school there for the kids.
00:23:54 --> 00:23:57 I was kept segregated and under watch and they
00:23:57 --> 00:23:59 searched my room regularly and I worked in a
00:23:59 --> 00:24:03 bakery. I worked two in the morning until I think
00:24:03 --> 00:24:06 around noon or so. I'd just walk through the
00:24:06 --> 00:24:10 forest and terrified. I was singing. I was singing
00:24:10 --> 00:24:13 like... Oh, Jesus Loves Me was the song I knew,
00:24:14 --> 00:24:17 and I was just saying that. I was terrified.
00:24:17 --> 00:24:19 I was walking about a mile and a half down the
00:24:19 --> 00:24:21 mountainside to the bakery, but we didn't have
00:24:21 --> 00:24:23 headlamps in, we didn't have flashlights. There
00:24:23 --> 00:24:28 was no cell phones. Wow. Walking by the moonlight.
00:24:28 --> 00:24:31 Just by the moonlight. That was in the stars.
00:24:32 --> 00:24:35 Hopefully the stars are twinkling tonight. Right?
00:24:36 --> 00:24:42 It was so scary. My that's no easy. That's why
00:24:42 --> 00:24:45 saying so that the wildlife wouldn't come. Yeah
00:24:45 --> 00:24:51 Wow, I can't even imagine and this is you're
00:24:51 --> 00:24:57 still 13 still 13. I turned 14. Yeah In the elements
00:24:57 --> 00:25:01 you have wildlife that I can't even imagine.
00:25:02 --> 00:25:05 I don't know, did you come across any wildlife
00:25:05 --> 00:25:09 during, throughout that time, any bears or anything,
00:25:09 --> 00:25:11 get a little too close, rubbed elbows with you?
00:25:12 --> 00:25:15 Yeah, walking back after the shift, I was walking
00:25:15 --> 00:25:18 back on the road, as opposed through the little
00:25:18 --> 00:25:22 mountain trail, and a mountain lion was off the
00:25:22 --> 00:25:27 side of the road looking. And it just kind of
00:25:27 --> 00:25:30 looked at me and then... turned around and loped
00:25:30 --> 00:25:34 off into the forest. I made it back in record
00:25:34 --> 00:25:36 time and the lady of the house, she says, you
00:25:36 --> 00:25:40 look like you saw a ghost. I'm lucky, I'm not
00:25:40 --> 00:25:48 a ghost. Something, someone had their hand on
00:25:48 --> 00:25:53 you throughout these close calls and these wanderings
00:25:53 --> 00:25:57 through the wilderness and the wild alone at
00:25:57 --> 00:26:01 such a young age. Wow. That's wild. That's wild.
00:26:04 --> 00:26:08 In the wild. In the wild. Yeah. But so OK, so
00:26:08 --> 00:26:11 they they didn't at first I had the impression
00:26:11 --> 00:26:13 that they completely cut you off and you were
00:26:13 --> 00:26:15 you were just you were off. But so you were still
00:26:15 --> 00:26:18 part of the commune, but you were under watch.
00:26:19 --> 00:26:21 You were high surveillance and monitored and
00:26:21 --> 00:26:23 you know, they were just keeping an eye on you
00:26:23 --> 00:26:26 to make sure you don't kill the morale. Maybe
00:26:26 --> 00:26:29 I don't know. Yeah, I was sent to a different
00:26:29 --> 00:26:33 one and then they were actually a foster family
00:26:33 --> 00:26:36 and I wasn't aware of this. Some of their foster
00:26:36 --> 00:26:38 children have reached out to me since I wrote
00:26:38 --> 00:26:42 my book, just thanking me for sharing my story
00:26:42 --> 00:26:44 and telling me that they had lived with them
00:26:44 --> 00:26:47 and had problems with this family and stuff.
00:26:47 --> 00:26:51 But I wasn't aware at the time or I just didn't
00:26:51 --> 00:26:54 remember because the trauma was having... panic
00:26:54 --> 00:26:56 attacks. I didn't realize it. I would have to
00:26:56 --> 00:26:58 put, I'd put a Bible on my chest because I couldn't
00:26:58 --> 00:27:00 breathe. I would wake up at night and I couldn't
00:27:00 --> 00:27:03 breathe. Just having nightmares of my, you know,
00:27:03 --> 00:27:07 my father falling off the cliff and just how
00:27:07 --> 00:27:09 that looked. You know, that was, it was a bad
00:27:09 --> 00:27:13 death and I'd seen his, his autopsy report and
00:27:13 --> 00:27:16 stuff, right? So there's probably a lot I don't
00:27:16 --> 00:27:18 remember. I know there's a lot I don't remember.
00:27:19 --> 00:27:22 And then they just... I went to see my mom at
00:27:22 --> 00:27:25 Christmas and they were like, no, don't bring
00:27:25 --> 00:27:26 her back. We don't want her here. She has too
00:27:26 --> 00:27:29 many problems. At least that's what my mom told
00:27:29 --> 00:27:31 me they said. I don't know what they said, but
00:27:31 --> 00:27:33 that's what she told me they said. And that just
00:27:33 --> 00:27:35 made me angrier because I'm like, you guys created
00:27:35 --> 00:27:37 me. I was born and raised in this kind of community.
00:27:38 --> 00:27:39 You created me. What do you mean you can't deal
00:27:39 --> 00:27:45 with me? Like, how dare you? You have the ones
00:27:45 --> 00:27:49 who later on in years as an adult, they come
00:27:49 --> 00:27:54 to get involved in cults or these these high
00:27:54 --> 00:27:57 highly controlled groups for whatever reason
00:27:57 --> 00:28:00 it is when there's various reasons and then you
00:28:00 --> 00:28:02 have people that were born into it like yourself
00:28:02 --> 00:28:05 and but at a very young age it wasn't because
00:28:05 --> 00:28:08 there are people I'm not comparing anybody with
00:28:08 --> 00:28:10 anybody but they're people they they were born
00:28:10 --> 00:28:13 into it and it takes them years I mean in their
00:28:13 --> 00:28:17 20s 30s and they finally They have the courage
00:28:17 --> 00:28:20 for whatever reason, they're not able to go.
00:28:20 --> 00:28:23 It could be the fear, like just stepping into
00:28:23 --> 00:28:26 the unknown because everything outside of that
00:28:26 --> 00:28:29 commune is deemed worldly. That's against you.
00:28:29 --> 00:28:32 That's the devil. This is everything that is
00:28:32 --> 00:28:34 against us and you don't want that. They don't
00:28:34 --> 00:28:39 want you, but you... You really took a leap of
00:28:39 --> 00:28:42 faith. Did you still have faith in you? Even,
00:28:42 --> 00:28:45 never mind the things that you went through living
00:28:45 --> 00:28:48 in the commune, but was there some kind of a
00:28:48 --> 00:28:51 spirituality or relationship with a higher being
00:28:51 --> 00:28:55 that you had throughout that time? I mean, I
00:28:55 --> 00:28:58 didn't disregard it, but I certainly didn't have
00:28:58 --> 00:29:01 faith that if I had said my prayers, I'd get
00:29:01 --> 00:29:04 taken care of. I didn't have a faith like that,
00:29:04 --> 00:29:07 you know? You don't know what the plan is going
00:29:07 --> 00:29:11 to be. It's obvious that trauma is going to happen.
00:29:11 --> 00:29:14 So it's not like I was getting guided down really
00:29:14 --> 00:29:20 safe, healthy paths by this point. So, you know,
00:29:20 --> 00:29:23 I was like, it's great. Everything was to the
00:29:23 --> 00:29:27 contrary. Yeah. Yeah. I asked you that because
00:29:27 --> 00:29:30 there's some people that after something like
00:29:30 --> 00:29:32 that. People have different reactions, but some
00:29:32 --> 00:29:35 they might get angry, they get upset, you know,
00:29:35 --> 00:29:38 they feel like everything now is meant to in
00:29:38 --> 00:29:41 some way, shape or form, meant to control and
00:29:41 --> 00:29:46 manipulate or persuade or just control your perception
00:29:46 --> 00:29:49 of reality. So that could be tricky to navigate,
00:29:49 --> 00:29:52 especially later on in life with what you went
00:29:52 --> 00:29:56 through, the trauma and to be able to. Maybe
00:29:56 --> 00:29:58 let down your guard and trust again. You can
00:29:58 --> 00:30:00 feel like everybody's against you and nobody's
00:30:00 --> 00:30:03 listening to it and really make you feel insignificant
00:30:03 --> 00:30:06 in the world. I did feel very insignificant in
00:30:06 --> 00:30:09 the world. It actually caused a lot of depression.
00:30:09 --> 00:30:13 When I was 16, I went to Montreal and I had battle
00:30:13 --> 00:30:16 depression already, but I went to Montreal and
00:30:16 --> 00:30:19 you have to bear in mind the towns I lived in.
00:30:19 --> 00:30:22 When I was like 14, 15, I lived in a town of
00:30:22 --> 00:30:24 I think 5 people. That was the biggest town
00:30:24 --> 00:30:27 I lived in after being in a commune was 5
00:30:27 --> 00:30:31 people, which is quite small. So I went to Montreal
00:30:31 --> 00:30:37 and, you know, that's a huge city. And I, you
00:30:37 --> 00:30:39 know, it's a pavement as far as I could walk.
00:30:39 --> 00:30:41 I walked so far that my feet hurt the next day
00:30:41 --> 00:30:43 because it's different. There's no give like
00:30:43 --> 00:30:47 walking on dirt, you know, which I learned. So
00:30:47 --> 00:30:49 they had a subway so I learned how to ride the
00:30:49 --> 00:30:52 subway I rode the subway to the very end and
00:30:52 --> 00:30:53 then it went out and found a building I could
00:30:53 --> 00:30:57 go in to climb to the top and As far as I could
00:30:57 --> 00:31:00 see were buildings and it didn't matter where
00:31:00 --> 00:31:03 I went on that subway and what building I went
00:31:03 --> 00:31:07 up in it was just buildings like in and I'm talking
00:31:07 --> 00:31:10 like apartment buildings and high -rises and
00:31:10 --> 00:31:14 it's just people But when you walk down the street
00:31:14 --> 00:31:18 Nobody knows each other Nobody knows your name.
00:31:18 --> 00:31:21 Nobody cares about you. You're just another grain
00:31:21 --> 00:31:23 of sand that's going to get swept away and forgotten
00:31:23 --> 00:31:28 with the tide. I felt that horribly depressing
00:31:28 --> 00:31:31 at the time. It was a huge struggle. I was like,
00:31:33 --> 00:31:36 never mind God and humanity, there's so many
00:31:36 --> 00:31:39 of us, but how does one of us matter? You have
00:31:39 --> 00:31:42 a sense of community, even if, like you said,
00:31:42 --> 00:31:44 there were some good things involved in what
00:31:44 --> 00:31:48 you were doing. you probably had a very good
00:31:48 --> 00:31:50 way to sustain yourself without depending on
00:31:50 --> 00:31:52 anybody else because you learn these certain
00:31:52 --> 00:31:57 skills and these trades and how to put your hands
00:31:57 --> 00:32:01 to the soil and garden and grow your own food
00:32:01 --> 00:32:04 and that kind of thing and then you're in the
00:32:04 --> 00:32:06 city and yeah like you said it's just everybody
00:32:06 --> 00:32:08 pretty much is in their own world and you lose
00:32:08 --> 00:32:10 that sense of community I think in a big city
00:32:10 --> 00:32:14 definitely. You do you have to really put yourself
00:32:14 --> 00:32:19 out there, maybe more than in a small town, but
00:32:19 --> 00:32:21 even in a small town. But you have to put yourself
00:32:21 --> 00:32:24 out there then. You have to say hi. Take that
00:32:24 --> 00:32:27 chance of talking to a stranger, making a friend,
00:32:28 --> 00:32:31 joining a group or an activity. I didn't know
00:32:31 --> 00:32:36 those things about groups or activities. And
00:32:36 --> 00:32:38 try something new in order to build a community
00:32:38 --> 00:32:40 that you're going to feel a part of and want
00:32:40 --> 00:32:43 to be a part of with other people. would help
00:32:43 --> 00:32:45 you along the way when you were dealing with
00:32:45 --> 00:32:47 your depression, when you were feeling insignificant,
00:32:48 --> 00:32:52 and then even all of the emotional and psychological
00:32:52 --> 00:32:54 trauma that you went through with being in a
00:32:54 --> 00:32:57 high controlled environment where you're every...
00:32:57 --> 00:33:01 every word is watched and recorded in a way,
00:33:01 --> 00:33:04 even if it's not with a device, but they're listening
00:33:04 --> 00:33:06 and they're taking note of it and they're making
00:33:06 --> 00:33:10 sure you don't step too far off the lines. You
00:33:10 --> 00:33:12 have to stay in that box and you can't go too
00:33:12 --> 00:33:15 far. How did you start to work through some of
00:33:15 --> 00:33:19 that baggage? Well, I did it in a really unhealthy
00:33:19 --> 00:33:22 manner for a few years and did a lot of drugs.
00:33:23 --> 00:33:25 I didn't do a lot of drugs. I smoked a lot of
00:33:25 --> 00:33:32 pot. Okay. I knew I knew the other drugs you
00:33:32 --> 00:33:35 try them once and you might never ever be wacky
00:33:35 --> 00:33:41 tobacco. I because you know, I was I was it was
00:33:41 --> 00:33:43 so hand to mouth. None of my work experience,
00:33:43 --> 00:33:45 you know, whether it was working in a market
00:33:45 --> 00:33:48 gardens growing. carrots or working in a sawmill
00:33:48 --> 00:33:52 when I was 11 or bakery at 13. That's not it.
00:33:52 --> 00:33:55 You can't put that in a resume. I knew this.
00:33:56 --> 00:34:00 See, here I am 16, 17, 18, and I'm like, huh,
00:34:00 --> 00:34:02 nobody's going to believe this. This is not a
00:34:02 --> 00:34:05 legitimate... I could show you better than I
00:34:05 --> 00:34:09 could tell you. Right. I could run a sawmill
00:34:09 --> 00:34:14 better than you. So so I really struggled like
00:34:14 --> 00:34:17 with having a place to live and and having money
00:34:17 --> 00:34:20 because Because I had no no workable job skills
00:34:20 --> 00:34:23 Which kind of started to make me angry, you know,
00:34:23 --> 00:34:25 my mother didn't want me I couldn't get into
00:34:25 --> 00:34:27 foster care because she wouldn't sign me over
00:34:27 --> 00:34:34 so by the time I turned 18 I I had very low self
00:34:34 --> 00:34:37 -esteem and I Started smoking the wacky tobacco
00:34:37 --> 00:34:43 because that makes me feel happy And we we're
00:34:43 --> 00:34:45 gonna make a poem out of that one the wacky tobaccy
00:34:45 --> 00:34:51 always makes me feel happy Right and I just I
00:34:51 --> 00:34:54 wanted to forget the pain I wanted nothing to
00:34:54 --> 00:34:56 do with those people. I didn't belong anywhere
00:34:56 --> 00:35:00 You know, I didn't belong to anyone You know
00:35:00 --> 00:35:03 and and I drank a little bit here and there although
00:35:03 --> 00:35:05 I didn't really like that because I found it
00:35:05 --> 00:35:08 it wasn't safe I remember I got drunk. I was
00:35:08 --> 00:35:10 with a friend of mine and You know, I drank too
00:35:10 --> 00:35:13 much. I was tired and she was like, oh, you can
00:35:13 --> 00:35:15 sleep here in so -and -so's bed because we were
00:35:15 --> 00:35:16 at these boys' apartment. She's like, you're
00:35:16 --> 00:35:23 safe. And I went, no, actually, no, no, I'm not
00:35:23 --> 00:35:27 safe. I need to leave. You had enough sense.
00:35:27 --> 00:35:34 Yeah. So so I didn't really like drinking, but
00:35:34 --> 00:35:36 and I went through a couple of years of just,
00:35:36 --> 00:35:42 you know, trying to forget all the rejection
00:35:42 --> 00:35:46 from my mother, all the pain, all the things
00:35:46 --> 00:35:48 that had happened to me over the years. There's
00:35:48 --> 00:35:50 some of it in the book that I haven't gotten
00:35:50 --> 00:35:53 into and it's just, they can read about it, it's
00:35:53 --> 00:35:55 traumatizing. I cried a lot writing the book,
00:35:55 --> 00:35:59 like a lot. And - Did that help you? I mean,
00:35:59 --> 00:36:02 I'd like you to continue on, but like with the
00:36:02 --> 00:36:05 emotional release. Because I've been learning
00:36:05 --> 00:36:07 a lot about this to just dealing with trauma
00:36:07 --> 00:36:09 in different ways that we stored in our body.
00:36:09 --> 00:36:12 And one big way that they say is when we when
00:36:12 --> 00:36:16 we do allow ourselves. to release these emotions,
00:36:17 --> 00:36:21 that that can be a real good step towards healing
00:36:21 --> 00:36:23 in a lot of different ways when we do that. Did
00:36:23 --> 00:36:26 that help? Did it feel like that was something
00:36:26 --> 00:36:28 that you needed to do? Just kind of purge yourself
00:36:28 --> 00:36:31 of a lot of these emotions and traumas that you
00:36:31 --> 00:36:34 kind of stored and kept inside? It didn't feel
00:36:34 --> 00:36:39 like it. No, it didn't. No? Okay. after the fact
00:36:39 --> 00:36:41 like now that it's all done and I'm done going
00:36:41 --> 00:36:43 over it and over it because you have to edit
00:36:43 --> 00:36:45 it and re -edit it and go through beta readers
00:36:45 --> 00:36:48 but after the fact and I don't know if this has
00:36:48 --> 00:36:51 to do partly with age and maturity but I find
00:36:51 --> 00:36:55 there's definitely a better sense of understanding
00:36:55 --> 00:36:59 and acceptance and self -love for the younger
00:36:59 --> 00:37:03 person that I was and I didn't have some of that
00:37:03 --> 00:37:06 clarity but again some of that might have to
00:37:06 --> 00:37:10 do with being in my fourth decade that I feel
00:37:10 --> 00:37:14 like I I wouldn't have had some of this clarity
00:37:14 --> 00:37:18 maybe in my 20s if I was trying to write it you
00:37:18 --> 00:37:22 know so but there are really good ways you can
00:37:22 --> 00:37:26 try and purge trauma and they're coming up with
00:37:26 --> 00:37:29 like healthy retreats and whether it's you know
00:37:29 --> 00:37:35 vibration or dance or you know writing it Going
00:37:35 --> 00:37:37 out in the forest and just doing those guttural
00:37:37 --> 00:37:41 full body screams just like purging your body
00:37:41 --> 00:37:44 of everything Yeah, there are some really great
00:37:44 --> 00:37:47 ways for sure What you said about the release
00:37:47 --> 00:37:50 you're allowing your body like the the energy
00:37:50 --> 00:37:53 everything that's stored in you're giving it
00:37:53 --> 00:37:56 that that Avenue in that pathway to release If
00:37:56 --> 00:37:59 not, our bodies really do store this trauma and
00:37:59 --> 00:38:03 all this emotional baggage. And it turns into
00:38:03 --> 00:38:08 body ailments. It turns into cancerous cells.
00:38:08 --> 00:38:12 They even say like the stress and these emotional
00:38:12 --> 00:38:16 and psychological wounds that we have, that can
00:38:16 --> 00:38:19 really affect the body in a deep level, as well
00:38:19 --> 00:38:21 as, of course, we're talking about the psyche
00:38:21 --> 00:38:22 and everything. So in the beginning with the
00:38:22 --> 00:38:26 wacky tobacco, you You did that for a while and
00:38:26 --> 00:38:28 you realized, like, I've got to go about it in
00:38:28 --> 00:38:33 a healthier way. Well, yeah, and the line of
00:38:33 --> 00:38:35 work that I was doing and just the lifestyle
00:38:35 --> 00:38:38 I was living and I was, you know, definitely
00:38:38 --> 00:38:41 on on the other side of the law, the people that
00:38:41 --> 00:38:46 I knew and spent time with, you know, and that
00:38:46 --> 00:38:49 I could relate to. Right. Because because I found
00:38:49 --> 00:38:53 that the the white picket fence people I often
00:38:53 --> 00:38:59 found that I was not safe usually from the male
00:38:59 --> 00:39:01 gender, whether it's the father, the son, or
00:39:01 --> 00:39:05 whatever. And I found that people on the wrong
00:39:05 --> 00:39:08 side of the law are pretty open about what you're
00:39:08 --> 00:39:10 going to get into or not, right? There's none
00:39:10 --> 00:39:15 of this fake frontier of, oh, we're this perfect
00:39:15 --> 00:39:17 little family until you get behind the wrong
00:39:17 --> 00:39:21 closed door. at which point now you're going
00:39:21 --> 00:39:24 to be a potential victim. So I had a lot of angst
00:39:24 --> 00:39:29 at the time too. And then as I was starting to
00:39:29 --> 00:39:33 try and build a different life, meet people that
00:39:33 --> 00:39:35 I could get along with and have a good relationship
00:39:35 --> 00:39:38 with that was healthy, that was outside of drugs
00:39:38 --> 00:39:42 and crime and stuff. At that same time, about
00:39:42 --> 00:39:45 that same year, and I was doing it with the wrong
00:39:45 --> 00:39:49 person, but I didn't know this at the time. aware
00:39:49 --> 00:39:52 of like narcissism or when you're in an abusive
00:39:52 --> 00:39:54 relationship, it usually kind of starts out,
00:39:55 --> 00:39:56 they don't punch you in the face on the first
00:39:56 --> 00:39:59 date, right? They kind of put that off. So then
00:39:59 --> 00:40:03 it's like, oh, it's your fault. So I didn't realize
00:40:03 --> 00:40:05 I was doing it with the wrong person at the time.
00:40:05 --> 00:40:08 But at that same time, my mom passed away and
00:40:08 --> 00:40:14 left my siblings who would have been like 12,
00:40:14 --> 00:40:18 14 and 16. And at that same time, I had just
00:40:18 --> 00:40:22 found out I was pregnant and so I became an overnight
00:40:22 --> 00:40:25 mom like you know I think about six months after
00:40:25 --> 00:40:29 my mom passing away and I that left me the family
00:40:29 --> 00:40:31 matriarch right I was I was the oldest and I
00:40:31 --> 00:40:36 had to deal with that and that was horrible um
00:40:36 --> 00:40:38 that was just horrible but I ended up with kids
00:40:38 --> 00:40:43 a bunch of kids so I was I was 24 and I you know
00:40:43 --> 00:40:46 I had no clue really, but I was trying to get
00:40:46 --> 00:40:48 a clue about living in the world in a healthy,
00:40:48 --> 00:40:50 good way, not with wacky tobacco, not with all.
00:40:51 --> 00:40:54 And all of a sudden, I became a mom. Well, now
00:40:54 --> 00:40:57 I needed to do actually what the commune had
00:40:57 --> 00:40:59 been grooming me to do, be a good housewife and
00:40:59 --> 00:41:03 mother. But I wanted to do it where they could
00:41:03 --> 00:41:05 succeed in the world, right? I wanted them to
00:41:05 --> 00:41:07 go to a regular school where you get a regular
00:41:07 --> 00:41:10 diploma. You have the potential for college or
00:41:10 --> 00:41:13 trades or whatever you want to do. where you
00:41:13 --> 00:41:16 don't have teen pregnancy, you're not gonna get
00:41:16 --> 00:41:18 into the drugs that I knew about, right? Like
00:41:18 --> 00:41:21 that sort of thing. And I was all of a sudden
00:41:21 --> 00:41:24 trying to navigate that as a parent. I didn't
00:41:24 --> 00:41:26 have time to think about my grief. I didn't have
00:41:26 --> 00:41:30 time to think about all the stuff I had gone
00:41:30 --> 00:41:32 through before and any of that trauma. I was
00:41:32 --> 00:41:35 busy every waking moment with either my newborn
00:41:35 --> 00:41:38 infant, the teenagers, because they're up late
00:41:38 --> 00:41:40 and they have all these things. I have no clue.
00:41:41 --> 00:41:43 I'd never been to a parent -teacher interview.
00:41:43 --> 00:41:47 I was so scared. I said to my husband, you got
00:41:47 --> 00:41:50 to help me. What are they going to ask me? Is
00:41:50 --> 00:41:52 this being sent to the principal's office? Yeah,
00:41:52 --> 00:41:57 Tara gave me. Yeah, right? It turns out, because
00:41:57 --> 00:41:59 the first one was for my brother for grade seven,
00:42:00 --> 00:42:02 and they were just like, oh, he's doing good
00:42:02 --> 00:42:05 at this, and he's really nice in class. I was
00:42:05 --> 00:42:07 like, oh, that's what this is? Oh, I got this.
00:42:08 --> 00:42:10 Right. Yeah, yeah. Your mind could just really
00:42:10 --> 00:42:12 start turning upside down with all the things,
00:42:13 --> 00:42:15 the possibilities that could happen with this.
00:42:15 --> 00:42:19 Yeah, like I had no idea. And so like I'm navigating
00:42:19 --> 00:42:22 diapers and bottles and, you know, that kind
00:42:22 --> 00:42:25 of thing. And and just like cook three meals
00:42:25 --> 00:42:28 a day and try and do it like you see them do
00:42:28 --> 00:42:31 on TV, because I saw it on TV. Right. So you.
00:42:31 --> 00:42:33 have breakfast with cereal and you have food
00:42:33 --> 00:42:36 where there's like meat and potatoes and a veggie
00:42:36 --> 00:42:38 and I didn't know how to buy meat. I had food
00:42:38 --> 00:42:42 poisoning my husband multiple times. So he's
00:42:42 --> 00:42:46 a survivor too? He was, yeah. Right? And then
00:42:46 --> 00:42:49 after that everything was dry. It is so dry.
00:42:50 --> 00:42:53 It's gonna be cooked an extra half an hour to
00:42:53 --> 00:42:58 an hour to make sure that it's okay. You might
00:42:58 --> 00:43:05 just, it's like beef jerky. Yeah. My brother
00:43:05 --> 00:43:07 said to me a couple years ago, he's like, I just
00:43:07 --> 00:43:09 realized you were growing up when you were raising
00:43:09 --> 00:43:12 us. I'm like, mm hmm. I was trying. You were
00:43:12 --> 00:43:17 learning on the job. Yeah. But that time, and
00:43:17 --> 00:43:19 I realized that again, probably writing the book,
00:43:20 --> 00:43:24 like they saved me them choosing me because it
00:43:24 --> 00:43:25 didn't have to. They chose me. They asked me
00:43:25 --> 00:43:28 to be to be their their person, their guardian
00:43:28 --> 00:43:33 legally. And they saved me. They gave me a darn
00:43:33 --> 00:43:38 big grown up purpose I had to try and do to the
00:43:38 --> 00:43:41 best of my ability. And it was no more about
00:43:41 --> 00:43:44 me and how it felt. There was no stupid choices
00:43:44 --> 00:43:48 left to be made. I had to figure it out. And
00:43:48 --> 00:43:53 that you did. As you said, you had no time to
00:43:53 --> 00:43:57 grieve. You had no time to worry about the things
00:43:57 --> 00:43:59 that you were dealing with. Did you feel like
00:43:59 --> 00:44:02 that was starting to, in certain ways, take a
00:44:02 --> 00:44:03 toll on you when you don't deal with that and
00:44:03 --> 00:44:05 you just let it kind of simmer in the background
00:44:05 --> 00:44:07 and it's still there, but you don't have time
00:44:07 --> 00:44:10 to focus on it. So I guess maybe in a way that
00:44:10 --> 00:44:13 could be beneficial, but sometimes life happens
00:44:13 --> 00:44:16 or something triggers it and then these emotions
00:44:16 --> 00:44:18 just resurface and it's like, oh boy, I still
00:44:18 --> 00:44:22 have some things to deal with that I haven't
00:44:22 --> 00:44:24 given myself or allowed myself the time to do
00:44:24 --> 00:44:28 so. Absolutely, oh for sure. It doesn't go away,
00:44:28 --> 00:44:31 it doesn't magically heal itself. I'm lucky,
00:44:31 --> 00:44:34 I guess, that I'm such a obstinate, feel the
00:44:34 --> 00:44:38 fear and take that leap kind of person. I divorced
00:44:38 --> 00:44:42 my abusive, alcoholic husband right around when
00:44:42 --> 00:44:45 my siblings had finished high school and were
00:44:45 --> 00:44:49 moving into post -graduate kind of life. And
00:44:49 --> 00:44:52 yeah, I had grieving to do, I had healing to
00:44:52 --> 00:44:55 do, I had a world of things I had to figure out.
00:44:55 --> 00:44:59 and I did it. I did the crying. I did the self
00:44:59 --> 00:45:02 -reflection. I was really lucky. Again, having
00:45:02 --> 00:45:05 kids saved me. My biological children that I
00:45:05 --> 00:45:08 had were going to elementary school and I signed
00:45:08 --> 00:45:11 them up for soccer because it sounded normal
00:45:11 --> 00:45:15 and healthy to me. It wasn't expensive like hockey
00:45:15 --> 00:45:17 and at like five in the morning, so I thought
00:45:17 --> 00:45:22 I can do this on my minimum wage job. Sign them
00:45:22 --> 00:45:27 up. And I met some other moms and bless other
00:45:27 --> 00:45:29 moms. You know, I made really good friends and
00:45:29 --> 00:45:31 they were so supportive. You know, they were
00:45:31 --> 00:45:34 just like, hey, it's normal to have these feelings
00:45:34 --> 00:45:36 or these fears like, yeah, my mom died and I
00:45:36 --> 00:45:38 went through this or because we all have a story,
00:45:38 --> 00:45:42 right? You can kind of share. And so I healed
00:45:42 --> 00:45:46 through friendship and through talk and I, you
00:45:46 --> 00:45:48 know, I looked for help. I looked for parenting
00:45:48 --> 00:45:52 classes, for counseling. I went... and looked
00:45:52 --> 00:45:55 for groups for my kids, you know, kids who witness
00:45:55 --> 00:46:01 violence, groups like that. And I was referred
00:46:01 --> 00:46:04 to a self -help meetings. And so that was expensive.
00:46:04 --> 00:46:07 That's where I knocked heads. I'm like, this
00:46:07 --> 00:46:11 is a lot like brain control. I get what you're
00:46:11 --> 00:46:13 trying to help with some things, but you're going
00:46:13 --> 00:46:17 a little too far. Yeah. So we had some arguments,
00:46:18 --> 00:46:20 me and the leader. So some red flags started
00:46:20 --> 00:46:23 to show in some of those groups. Yeah, and they
00:46:23 --> 00:46:25 started to argue and they and he was like, why
00:46:25 --> 00:46:30 are you and I'm like, no. Yeah, yeah, I know
00:46:30 --> 00:46:33 what you're I see what you're doing here. Do
00:46:33 --> 00:46:36 you think that that was the case or you were
00:46:36 --> 00:46:38 you were just overly precautious because of your
00:46:38 --> 00:46:44 background? It was a bit of both. So some people
00:46:44 --> 00:46:46 that I knew that did that, because I went to
00:46:46 --> 00:46:49 two of those groups, I went to the sits and layers
00:46:49 --> 00:46:51 kind of. But it's good to question. I mean, I
00:46:51 --> 00:46:53 always say I love to just emphasize the fact
00:46:53 --> 00:46:56 we need to question everything. And don't be
00:46:56 --> 00:46:59 so quick to just take this and drink the Kool
00:46:59 --> 00:47:02 -Aid because somebody is sitting there or standing
00:47:02 --> 00:47:06 there saying it on your favorite TV station or
00:47:06 --> 00:47:09 they're wearing a suit or they're sitting in
00:47:09 --> 00:47:12 this position of power. or just because they
00:47:12 --> 00:47:15 say something, you need to take it with a grain
00:47:15 --> 00:47:18 of salt. Oh, heck yeah. Yeah. It don't matter
00:47:18 --> 00:47:23 where it comes from. Podcast, YouTube, AI, nobody's,
00:47:23 --> 00:47:25 you know, rapping that they say this is healthy
00:47:25 --> 00:47:31 food. I don't believe anything. Question everything
00:47:31 --> 00:47:35 right, you know, but but also don't be afraid
00:47:35 --> 00:47:37 to try things, you know You don't got to drink
00:47:37 --> 00:47:39 all the Kool -Aid, but maybe why don't you look
00:47:39 --> 00:47:42 at what's in the ingredients? Maybe some of it's
00:47:42 --> 00:47:44 good Yeah No, no, that's right. You have to allow
00:47:44 --> 00:47:48 yourself to experience these things and hopefully
00:47:48 --> 00:47:51 you have enough sensitivity and you have enough
00:47:51 --> 00:47:53 intuition and you have enough critical thought
00:47:53 --> 00:47:56 to where you're able to judge these experiences
00:47:56 --> 00:47:59 and make healthy choices and go through the world
00:47:59 --> 00:48:02 in that sense instead of just being like a leaf
00:48:02 --> 00:48:05 blown in the wind. Any and everything is just
00:48:05 --> 00:48:06 pushing you that way, throwing you this way.
00:48:07 --> 00:48:10 It's like you have no ground, no foundation.
00:48:11 --> 00:48:13 Well you know what I figure as long as we don't
00:48:13 --> 00:48:16 stop trying just keep trying like try to learn
00:48:16 --> 00:48:19 new things try to try to it you know just keep
00:48:19 --> 00:48:22 trying keep when you're going towards a goal
00:48:22 --> 00:48:25 or you're gonna you know try and create something
00:48:25 --> 00:48:28 and you and you fail and fail until you succeed
00:48:28 --> 00:48:31 or you want to learn something as long as we're
00:48:31 --> 00:48:34 continuing you know to do what feeds our soul
00:48:34 --> 00:48:39 and what is healthy and good for for us, and
00:48:39 --> 00:48:43 not super detrimental for the rest of us around
00:48:43 --> 00:48:46 us, the rest of the people, you know? Bear that
00:48:46 --> 00:48:49 in mind. I think it's when we stop, then we really
00:48:49 --> 00:48:52 need to worry, you know? Yeah, so part of the
00:48:52 --> 00:48:55 journey, like life, that's like our soul's evolution.
00:48:55 --> 00:48:58 and it seemed like you were very adamant about
00:48:58 --> 00:49:01 trying everything you weren't gonna if if this
00:49:01 --> 00:49:03 door shut or it wasn't working here you were
00:49:03 --> 00:49:06 going there okay let's try this this isn't really
00:49:06 --> 00:49:09 this isn't really tasting so good i gave it a
00:49:09 --> 00:49:11 shot an honest effort and let me let me try this
00:49:11 --> 00:49:15 out but you were really concerned and trying
00:49:15 --> 00:49:19 to work out a lot of the things that were troubling
00:49:19 --> 00:49:23 you and ailing you. And that's encouraging to
00:49:23 --> 00:49:27 hear for anybody who feels like maybe one thing
00:49:27 --> 00:49:28 doesn't work or two things doesn't work and they
00:49:28 --> 00:49:32 just give up. But there are ways. There are.
00:49:32 --> 00:49:36 And you know what? Reaching out and asking and
00:49:36 --> 00:49:39 searching is, you know, that's the start and
00:49:39 --> 00:49:42 you just keep going. Like I was in my 30s when
00:49:42 --> 00:49:45 I started this, because my 20s was kids. You
00:49:45 --> 00:49:47 know, my thirties, I could breathe a little because
00:49:47 --> 00:49:50 then I had two instead of five kids. So shockingly,
00:49:50 --> 00:49:55 that's slightly easier. Still a handful, huh?
00:49:55 --> 00:49:58 Still a handful, but you know, I was downsizing.
00:49:59 --> 00:50:04 Downsizing, yeah. That's right. You know, but
00:50:04 --> 00:50:07 like, and I was, I was doing this later in the
00:50:07 --> 00:50:09 game, asking all these questions and we didn't
00:50:09 --> 00:50:12 have. maybe we had google i don't know like at
00:50:12 --> 00:50:14 that point in time i would go the library to
00:50:14 --> 00:50:16 use for email or whatever right i remember those
00:50:16 --> 00:50:21 days yeah yeah going to the library yeah to use
00:50:21 --> 00:50:24 the the and then even to what to check out books
00:50:24 --> 00:50:26 but then there was a time when um the computers
00:50:26 --> 00:50:28 were just a thing and we didn't have one at the
00:50:28 --> 00:50:30 house so you go to the library to use a computer
00:50:30 --> 00:50:32 yeah you get a little code and you get like half
00:50:32 --> 00:50:35 an hour You get half an hour. Yeah, then you
00:50:35 --> 00:50:37 have somebody over your shoulder looking at are
00:50:37 --> 00:50:40 you done yet? I think you logged in a second
00:50:40 --> 00:50:47 time They tell the librarian on you Yeah, it's
00:50:47 --> 00:50:51 exactly it But I mean it's like if you can if
00:50:51 --> 00:50:54 you can do it like there's nothing that should
00:50:54 --> 00:50:58 prevent us from from trying, you know, like I
00:50:58 --> 00:51:03 mean, I was 45 years old when I went back to
00:51:03 --> 00:51:07 school to become a nurse, an LPN. I wrote my
00:51:07 --> 00:51:09 book while I was working full -time, and then
00:51:09 --> 00:51:13 while I did that, I also did some upgrading so
00:51:13 --> 00:51:15 that I could go to school, because I worked in
00:51:15 --> 00:51:19 an admin job. It was a good job, but I wanted
00:51:19 --> 00:51:23 more. So I went to school, and I was 45 years
00:51:23 --> 00:51:27 old. I was older than my teachers. I've had a
00:51:27 --> 00:51:30 real battle with perimenopause. It is, it is,
00:51:30 --> 00:51:35 it has not gone well. Fighting a good fight.
00:51:35 --> 00:51:38 Right. And so like brain fog and forgetting things.
00:51:38 --> 00:51:40 And so I'm going to school and I'm like, yeah,
00:51:40 --> 00:51:41 like, because I'd be taking all my stuff on my
00:51:41 --> 00:51:46 hot, right? The teacher's like, oh, I can't relate.
00:51:47 --> 00:51:53 I'm like, shut up. Like, that's not normal. You're
00:51:53 --> 00:51:55 teaching us about this. You should be able to
00:51:55 --> 00:52:02 at least textbook relate. So 45 and went back
00:52:02 --> 00:52:04 to school. That's what I'm talking like there
00:52:04 --> 00:52:06 was there was no holding you back I mean you
00:52:06 --> 00:52:10 were gonna go after it and And make the best
00:52:10 --> 00:52:13 out of the rest of the years that you still have
00:52:13 --> 00:52:16 afforded to you I mean if not if we're not gonna
00:52:16 --> 00:52:18 try and go ahead and try to make something out
00:52:18 --> 00:52:21 of it We might as well just roll over and call
00:52:21 --> 00:52:24 it quits. I mean, what are we playing for? Well,
00:52:24 --> 00:52:26 and that's just it. I have a goal I have a dream
00:52:26 --> 00:52:29 that I see for for life where I actually don't
00:52:29 --> 00:52:33 have like people that need me the same anymore
00:52:33 --> 00:52:37 and I'm like, how do I get that? Okay, here's
00:52:37 --> 00:52:38 here's some of the things I think that I could
00:52:38 --> 00:52:43 do and I You know what if I would have failed
00:52:43 --> 00:52:45 and flunked out didn't because I'm working in
00:52:45 --> 00:52:48 as the nurse But if I would have at least I tried
00:52:48 --> 00:52:50 I could go back to my old job But at least I
00:52:50 --> 00:52:53 tried, you know And I'm so glad I did. It was
00:52:53 --> 00:52:56 one of the best things. That's encouraging to
00:52:56 --> 00:52:59 hear. Your whole story in general is really encouraging
00:52:59 --> 00:53:02 and I think that that can help somebody who feels
00:53:02 --> 00:53:05 a little bit older in age and like, oh no, I
00:53:05 --> 00:53:09 don't know if that's such a wise idea because
00:53:09 --> 00:53:12 sometimes it's scary also to leave something
00:53:12 --> 00:53:14 that you might be familiar with, a job or whatever
00:53:14 --> 00:53:16 it is that you've been doing for years to try
00:53:16 --> 00:53:19 something new. You never know. There's a quote
00:53:19 --> 00:53:22 by Rummy and she says something to the effect
00:53:22 --> 00:53:25 of, what if I fall, but then... There's a reply
00:53:25 --> 00:53:27 and it says, well, what if I fly? You know, you
00:53:27 --> 00:53:30 never know until you know. You have to give it
00:53:30 --> 00:53:31 an honest effort. And it seems like you were
00:53:31 --> 00:53:35 doing a lot of that throughout your life. I'm
00:53:35 --> 00:53:37 curious. I don't know if you talked about it,
00:53:37 --> 00:53:40 but what was that little brewing inside of you
00:53:40 --> 00:53:45 to want to write a memoir? Well, it's not just
00:53:45 --> 00:53:48 a quick answer that one. I loved writing when
00:53:48 --> 00:53:52 I was a little girl, but it was extremely discouraged.
00:53:52 --> 00:53:55 My mom didn't want me to write. That's in the
00:53:55 --> 00:53:59 book. That's just the whole thing. And then after,
00:53:59 --> 00:54:01 when I was a teenager, flitting around, I used
00:54:01 --> 00:54:04 to write, you know, free verse and poetry and
00:54:04 --> 00:54:08 stuff and short stories. And one of the girls
00:54:08 --> 00:54:12 I had seen back when I was maybe 15 or 16, I
00:54:12 --> 00:54:14 had given her one of my writings and I signed
00:54:14 --> 00:54:16 it. And I said, keep this, because someday I'm
00:54:16 --> 00:54:21 going to be a famous author. And then I learned
00:54:21 --> 00:54:25 later how different my upbringing was and then
00:54:25 --> 00:54:27 I learned that apparently I'm stubborn ask a
00:54:27 --> 00:54:32 lot of questions and really go for things. Go
00:54:32 --> 00:54:36 getters. Yeah, and so what I want to actually
00:54:36 --> 00:54:39 sat down to write my story it was because I wanted
00:54:39 --> 00:54:41 to share that you know what life is hard we all
00:54:41 --> 00:54:43 have a story, but you can do it like if I can
00:54:43 --> 00:54:47 do it. Yeah, your your trauma might be different.
00:54:49 --> 00:54:51 I climbed through, here's some of my things that
00:54:51 --> 00:54:53 helped. And this will be more in my second book,
00:54:54 --> 00:54:57 The How I Did It. And I'm probably gonna have
00:54:57 --> 00:55:00 like a free little self -help PDF to go with
00:55:00 --> 00:55:02 it. I've been working on that a bit on the side.
00:55:02 --> 00:55:05 Oh, cool, okay. So people can follow along and
00:55:05 --> 00:55:07 take some of these tools and see if it works
00:55:07 --> 00:55:09 for them or helps them out. Yeah, with their
00:55:09 --> 00:55:14 own situation, yeah. Because I didn't have that
00:55:14 --> 00:55:17 and I wanted it and I needed that. Tell me how
00:55:17 --> 00:55:21 tell me tell me how to meet a healthy person
00:55:21 --> 00:55:25 or how to Get a healthy circle of friends or
00:55:25 --> 00:55:27 to get the support I need like tell me the how
00:55:27 --> 00:55:30 and I didn't know Not that I necessarily know
00:55:30 --> 00:55:33 now, but I found some things that worked, you
00:55:33 --> 00:55:36 know And so I was like I want to share my story,
00:55:36 --> 00:55:44 you know Because you can do it I did it. We can
00:55:44 --> 00:55:47 do this. Did it come out pretty easy once you
00:55:47 --> 00:55:50 started writing it? Did it flow like the river?
00:55:51 --> 00:55:54 No. Well, my second one is flowing better. The
00:55:54 --> 00:55:57 first one, no. I did a really good job trying
00:55:57 --> 00:56:01 to forget my life. I did a very good job trying
00:56:01 --> 00:56:05 to forget my life. And remembering trauma is
00:56:05 --> 00:56:10 not fun. And trying to write in a non -judgmental,
00:56:10 --> 00:56:14 non -victimized way. to be fair because the people
00:56:14 --> 00:56:16 in the commune didn't you know what some of the
00:56:16 --> 00:56:19 people in the commune definitely didn't set out
00:56:19 --> 00:56:22 with the plan to do this sort of thing to people
00:56:22 --> 00:56:25 like me that wasn't that wasn't their goal their
00:56:25 --> 00:56:28 goal was something completely different so i
00:56:28 --> 00:56:30 wanted to to be very fair in how i shared it
00:56:30 --> 00:56:34 you know and not just be pointing fingers and
00:56:34 --> 00:56:38 um and to try and just tell the story clearly
00:56:38 --> 00:56:41 So bless my editor and bless my beta readers
00:56:41 --> 00:56:44 because they were so helpful. They were like,
00:56:44 --> 00:56:48 I don't understand this or I need to know more.
00:56:50 --> 00:56:53 And so it was just, it was really helpful in
00:56:53 --> 00:56:57 just getting the story shared in a way that answered
00:56:57 --> 00:57:00 the questions and came out. And like I said,
00:57:01 --> 00:57:04 I wanted to be very, very, try to be fair to
00:57:04 --> 00:57:08 the other people involved. From you saying that
00:57:08 --> 00:57:11 already tells me that you've done a lot of a
00:57:11 --> 00:57:15 lot of self reflection in some of your own inner
00:57:15 --> 00:57:18 work dealing with your inner dynamics because
00:57:18 --> 00:57:23 to not be biased or to point the blame and to
00:57:23 --> 00:57:26 make you know to shed a bad light on some things
00:57:26 --> 00:57:28 but then put a good light on other things and
00:57:28 --> 00:57:31 to just come at it try to come at it from a a
00:57:31 --> 00:57:33 righteous and holistic way where you're giving
00:57:33 --> 00:57:36 it a clear picture, but you're the one involved
00:57:36 --> 00:57:38 in it and you were the one affected by a lot
00:57:38 --> 00:57:41 of things. That's, that's really hard to do.
00:57:41 --> 00:57:45 It took a while. Yeah. I spent, I spent about
00:57:45 --> 00:57:47 five years writing it, I think on and off. I
00:57:47 --> 00:57:49 mean, I was working full time and my kids are
00:57:49 --> 00:57:52 graduating high school, so I wasn't just sitting
00:57:52 --> 00:57:55 writing, right? But I definitely spent a good
00:57:55 --> 00:57:58 amount of time doing it. And then Took it to
00:57:58 --> 00:58:00 my dear friend. She was an inspiration to me
00:58:00 --> 00:58:02 and I dedicated the book to her and I took it
00:58:02 --> 00:58:06 to her. I was just like, this wouldn't be without
00:58:06 --> 00:58:09 you. You know, it was my gift, my gift to her.
00:58:10 --> 00:58:13 And the title of it is Where I Belong was that
00:58:13 --> 00:58:16 kind of, you talked about it earlier was just
00:58:16 --> 00:58:19 the fact you felt like you didn't fit anywhere.
00:58:20 --> 00:58:21 Does that kind of have something to do with it
00:58:21 --> 00:58:24 or? Yeah. What's the meaning behind the title?
00:58:24 --> 00:58:28 Well, where do I belong? Like, I didn't belong
00:58:28 --> 00:58:30 anywhere. I didn't belong in the commune. I didn't
00:58:30 --> 00:58:32 belong to a family. I didn't belong on the streets.
00:58:33 --> 00:58:36 I didn't belong to these hypocritical people
00:58:36 --> 00:58:40 that, you know, tried to save me to put a jewel
00:58:40 --> 00:58:43 in their crown, so to speak. It's pretty much
00:58:43 --> 00:58:46 like exiled in a way. You were exiled, just exed
00:58:46 --> 00:58:49 off in a lot of different ways. And yeah, left
00:58:49 --> 00:58:53 to fend for yourself and figure it out. Before
00:58:53 --> 00:58:56 chat sheet PT and all these AI configurements.
00:58:57 --> 00:59:01 Yeah, before all that. It was wild because I
00:59:01 --> 00:59:03 didn't because I'm coming from the commune. I
00:59:03 --> 00:59:06 didn't understand that the cell phone was such
00:59:06 --> 00:59:08 a new exciting thing like to go from a pager
00:59:08 --> 00:59:10 to a cell phone. I was just like, oh, there's
00:59:10 --> 00:59:13 one more thing. I remember the pagers. That just
00:59:13 --> 00:59:15 brings up something funny with the whole pager
00:59:15 --> 00:59:18 and how we would write with numbers like hello.
00:59:20 --> 00:59:22 And you thought you were the coolest thing when
00:59:22 --> 00:59:24 you got a page. It's like, well, I can't do anything
00:59:24 --> 00:59:26 with it. I have to wait to use the phone to call
00:59:26 --> 00:59:30 it back, but just to get a buzz. Yeah. Feeling
00:59:30 --> 00:59:33 all cool that you wrote hello instead of putting
00:59:33 --> 00:59:37 a number in. But you were talking about the cell
00:59:37 --> 00:59:41 phones. You didn't know it was such a, the advancements
00:59:41 --> 00:59:45 in technology. Yeah. Like there was huge advancements
00:59:45 --> 00:59:48 in the nineties and it just went right over my
00:59:48 --> 00:59:52 head because To me, everything was new. Grocery
00:59:52 --> 00:59:55 stores and shopping and freedom. I mean, everything
00:59:55 --> 00:59:59 was new. Oh, wow. So a computer, I'm like, okay,
00:59:59 --> 01:00:03 that's nice. That had to be overwhelming. I mean,
01:00:03 --> 01:00:05 to just get flushed with all of this stuff where
01:00:05 --> 01:00:08 you're like, where have I been at? What's going
01:00:08 --> 01:00:10 on here? This is a completely different world
01:00:10 --> 01:00:13 than I know. And when people would meet me, they
01:00:13 --> 01:00:17 would... People that were quite a bit older like
01:00:17 --> 01:00:19 a few decades older than me usually would would
01:00:19 --> 01:00:22 who i'd run with and um They'd be like, oh my
01:00:22 --> 01:00:24 god, you don't know the yellow brick road. You
01:00:24 --> 01:00:27 have to see wizard of oz You know or they'd be
01:00:27 --> 01:00:28 like, oh my god, you don't know this you have
01:00:28 --> 01:00:35 to songs or any Musicians nothing Yeah All of
01:00:35 --> 01:00:39 it. Wow, you know, there's some i've heard on
01:00:39 --> 01:00:42 the count of that what you just explained with
01:00:42 --> 01:00:45 the the the uncertainties or it just being the
01:00:45 --> 01:00:48 overstimulation is too much and sometimes that's
01:00:48 --> 01:00:50 a that's a reason for some people to say you
01:00:50 --> 01:00:54 know i'm just going back this this is what it's
01:00:54 --> 01:00:57 overwhelming and um there's a there's also a
01:00:57 --> 01:01:01 fear with the freedom because now um not saying
01:01:01 --> 01:01:03 with you, but there are people that I've read
01:01:03 --> 01:01:06 their stories, some people that is leaving North
01:01:06 --> 01:01:08 Korea, let's say for instance, or coming out
01:01:08 --> 01:01:11 of prison doing 15 years or 20 years. And then
01:01:11 --> 01:01:15 now the responsibility of having to make their
01:01:15 --> 01:01:17 own choices, their own decisions, that could
01:01:17 --> 01:01:21 be so frightening that some of them wish that
01:01:21 --> 01:01:23 they just go back to where it was, where everything
01:01:23 --> 01:01:26 was told what to do, what time to go to bed.
01:01:27 --> 01:01:29 how your whole day was going to be planned out,
01:01:29 --> 01:01:33 that they just became accustomed to it and that
01:01:33 --> 01:01:35 the freedom was just overwhelming and it could
01:01:35 --> 01:01:40 be a fearful thing. It can be. You know, I mean,
01:01:40 --> 01:01:43 this is very trite, but I mean, it can be overwhelming
01:01:43 --> 01:01:47 to try and buy shampoo, you know, because there's
01:01:47 --> 01:01:50 an entire aisle just for shampoo. And that's
01:01:50 --> 01:01:52 just for any old one of us, not even someone
01:01:52 --> 01:01:55 that's come from trauma. I find I do really well
01:01:55 --> 01:01:57 with nature. I grew up in nature. I'll show you
01:01:57 --> 01:01:59 the cover of my book, because it kind of shows
01:01:59 --> 01:02:02 a little bit. So this, I don't know if you can
01:02:02 --> 01:02:05 see the full cover, is a photo of my father and
01:02:05 --> 01:02:08 I. Oh, wow, okay. Yeah, is that a... That's a
01:02:08 --> 01:02:09 teepee. That looks pretty cool. Yeah, we're camping
01:02:09 --> 01:02:14 in the winter. We built that teepee. So I grew
01:02:14 --> 01:02:17 up in nature. We went further away from the commune
01:02:17 --> 01:02:20 to go spend time in nature on our times off.
01:02:21 --> 01:02:25 So now like I go kayaking or paddle boarding
01:02:25 --> 01:02:28 or hiking or, you know, where the sound is the
01:02:28 --> 01:02:32 wind going through the leaves or the chipmunks
01:02:32 --> 01:02:34 or the, you know, the birds may do with care.
01:02:35 --> 01:02:38 Take bear spray with me. Usually a buddy, although
01:02:38 --> 01:02:40 I tend to run slower. So I'm going to be the
01:02:40 --> 01:02:51 one getting eaten. My heart goes out to people
01:02:51 --> 01:02:54 that live in big cities that maybe don't have
01:02:54 --> 01:03:00 as easy an ability to find nature. But I found
01:03:00 --> 01:03:02 even as a teenager, and you know, like there
01:03:02 --> 01:03:06 was Mont Royal, a huge, huge mountainous park
01:03:06 --> 01:03:09 in Montreal when I was there, I found that like,
01:03:10 --> 01:03:14 and I found that just very Soul restoring to
01:03:14 --> 01:03:16 just go lie on the grass put your feet in the
01:03:16 --> 01:03:21 dirt in the grass hug a tree, you know and just
01:03:21 --> 01:03:26 Get away from everything and Reground yourself
01:03:26 --> 01:03:29 because it's super overwhelming when you have
01:03:29 --> 01:03:32 to make your own decisions Yeah, that's that's
01:03:32 --> 01:03:34 scary. I'm just still going back and putting
01:03:34 --> 01:03:38 myself in that predicament if I was 13 what I
01:03:38 --> 01:03:43 or 11 12 13 would I be able to I don't think,
01:03:43 --> 01:03:46 honestly, I don't think I'd be able to make that
01:03:46 --> 01:03:49 move. I mean, that takes a lot of guts, a lot
01:03:49 --> 01:03:55 of just determination, grit and courage to be
01:03:55 --> 01:03:59 willing to face whatever lies ahead, but just
01:03:59 --> 01:04:03 to separate yourself from that situation because
01:04:03 --> 01:04:07 it really, really isn't healthy anymore to stick
01:04:07 --> 01:04:12 around. And wow, you made that choice. Got in
01:04:12 --> 01:04:15 the wind and lived to talk about it and even
01:04:15 --> 01:04:18 laugh about it and joke about it years later
01:04:18 --> 01:04:21 never mind all of the the Bears the mountain
01:04:21 --> 01:04:24 lions that they We're talking about even predators
01:04:24 --> 01:04:27 that walk upright to men, women, these adults,
01:04:28 --> 01:04:30 and you're in a whole different world. And with
01:04:30 --> 01:04:34 all of the technologies and just everything that
01:04:34 --> 01:04:37 comes with it, the brand new world is open with
01:04:37 --> 01:04:40 so many things that you had no idea about. And
01:04:40 --> 01:04:42 then even probably can feel a bit like an outcast
01:04:42 --> 01:04:45 because you're the weird one. If you want to
01:04:45 --> 01:04:47 call that, like, you don't know about this. You
01:04:47 --> 01:04:48 don't know this movie. You don't know. And then
01:04:48 --> 01:04:51 kind of feel like. You know, you're you're out
01:04:51 --> 01:04:53 of place with that and look that differently
01:04:53 --> 01:04:55 because of it. Sometimes people can be cruel
01:04:55 --> 01:04:58 like that and say, wow, where have you been at
01:04:58 --> 01:05:03 under a rock? Yeah, almost. Oh, yeah. But those
01:05:03 --> 01:05:05 normal questions when you get to know someone,
01:05:06 --> 01:05:08 where are you from? Where is your hometown? Where
01:05:08 --> 01:05:12 did you go to school? I thought some pat lies
01:05:12 --> 01:05:15 if I didn't want to have a conversation. Well,
01:05:15 --> 01:05:17 so it was was it hard to to really make some
01:05:17 --> 01:05:21 genuine connections on account of that? Well,
01:05:21 --> 01:05:24 it's kind of a choice. I tend to go with how
01:05:24 --> 01:05:27 my gut feels. When I meet someone, I tend to
01:05:27 --> 01:05:29 get a feeling about them or not, like their voice,
01:05:29 --> 01:05:32 how they look. And I don't mean the clothes they're
01:05:32 --> 01:05:37 wearing. I mean just how they present their emotional
01:05:37 --> 01:05:44 self in their body. Do you know? And also the
01:05:44 --> 01:05:46 strength that I had because it takes strength
01:05:46 --> 01:05:49 to share and to be honest. So if I was exhausted
01:05:49 --> 01:05:52 emotionally, I wouldn't tell the truth unless
01:05:52 --> 01:05:55 I really felt a connection to that person that
01:05:55 --> 01:05:58 I felt that there could be something real there.
01:05:59 --> 01:06:01 I would determine how I'd answer that. And it
01:06:01 --> 01:06:05 still does. It still does. Because it's just,
01:06:05 --> 01:06:12 I mean, my book is out there. Have you got any
01:06:12 --> 01:06:15 feedback in general with the book? And have you
01:06:15 --> 01:06:17 heard from people who've read it and it really
01:06:17 --> 01:06:21 resonated with them? Yeah, that I had such an
01:06:21 --> 01:06:25 outpouring of support. My book launch, I was
01:06:25 --> 01:06:27 shocked. There was about 75 people there. I was
01:06:27 --> 01:06:33 totally shocked. Wow. Yeah. People came from
01:06:33 --> 01:06:37 75 people there. I mean, that's that's no small
01:06:37 --> 01:06:40 potatoes. Yeah, I didn't expect that. I mean,
01:06:40 --> 01:06:42 I expected a handful, you know, but people came
01:06:42 --> 01:06:46 from like two, three hour drive to come out.
01:06:46 --> 01:06:49 And since then, I occasionally go to markets
01:06:49 --> 01:06:53 and as an author and have a table and people
01:06:53 --> 01:06:55 have driven. They're like, oh, I'm finally in
01:06:55 --> 01:06:57 the province, you know, or whatever. And I drove
01:06:57 --> 01:07:00 in from wherever to get it, like to get a signed
01:07:00 --> 01:07:05 copy. And yeah, people have been just like, thank
01:07:05 --> 01:07:09 you that it helped them see their childhood or
01:07:09 --> 01:07:13 I had one woman, I had been really good friends
01:07:13 --> 01:07:16 with her husband when we were like. six or something
01:07:16 --> 01:07:20 and Yeah, probably six years old we were friends
01:07:20 --> 01:07:23 and she said your book helped me understand so
01:07:23 --> 01:07:27 much about my husband Because he doesn't have
01:07:27 --> 01:07:31 the words to maybe share some of this just the
01:07:31 --> 01:07:36 indoctrination and the the fear and the hellfire
01:07:36 --> 01:07:39 that That you're gonna face, you know, and then
01:07:39 --> 01:07:42 just trying to deal with life After outside of
01:07:42 --> 01:07:44 that like trying to raise a normal family, but
01:07:44 --> 01:07:48 you have that upbringing from birth I've just
01:07:48 --> 01:07:51 felt an overwhelming sense of love and support
01:07:51 --> 01:07:55 from people that it helped them You know with
01:07:55 --> 01:07:57 with what they grew up with that's a beautiful
01:07:57 --> 01:08:00 thing and that can be more rewarding than any
01:08:00 --> 01:08:03 gold or any check any blank check when you have
01:08:03 --> 01:08:07 genuine responses like that with something that
01:08:07 --> 01:08:09 you wrote and you're just sharing your heart
01:08:09 --> 01:08:12 and some of your your life's experiences and
01:08:12 --> 01:08:17 it's touched it sounds like a lot of people and
01:08:17 --> 01:08:19 that's the power of word to where you can you're
01:08:19 --> 01:08:21 able to be that voice and that expression for
01:08:21 --> 01:08:23 some people like you said with this lady and
01:08:23 --> 01:08:25 her husband he's not able to he's not able to
01:08:25 --> 01:08:27 voice it or express it the way he would like
01:08:27 --> 01:08:30 to and you're you're that medium for those people
01:08:30 --> 01:08:35 yeah yeah those that have been through it those
01:08:35 --> 01:08:38 that are dealing with it and maybe even helping
01:08:38 --> 01:08:41 someone who's still in it and giving them the
01:08:41 --> 01:08:46 courage to, you know, pack up and just part ways
01:08:46 --> 01:08:49 with something that is an unhealthy, whether
01:08:49 --> 01:08:52 it's an unhealthy relationship and organization
01:08:52 --> 01:08:54 you're involved with or just anything that is
01:08:54 --> 01:08:57 just keeping you from actualize your full potential
01:08:57 --> 01:09:00 or to be something better than what you're told
01:09:00 --> 01:09:04 that. you're capable of being because sometimes
01:09:04 --> 01:09:07 in those groups you have a role to play and then
01:09:07 --> 01:09:08 you're not supposed to stray from that. That's
01:09:08 --> 01:09:11 the role you're playing to the end. This is your
01:09:11 --> 01:09:13 ticket and you're going to ride that to the very
01:09:13 --> 01:09:16 end. And don't you dare think that you can do
01:09:16 --> 01:09:19 this or do that because that's not in this show.
01:09:19 --> 01:09:24 Maybe next go around. Yeah, I don't have a punch
01:09:24 --> 01:09:29 card with that ticket. I'm like, no, no. That
01:09:29 --> 01:09:34 does not have my name on it. Okay, so you have
01:09:34 --> 01:09:38 your first book, the memoir that Where Do I Belong?
01:09:38 --> 01:09:41 You wrote that a couple years ago and then now
01:09:41 --> 01:09:44 you're in the middle of writing your second.
01:09:44 --> 01:09:48 This is the part two where you're going to map
01:09:48 --> 01:09:51 out the ways that what's helped you like tools
01:09:51 --> 01:09:54 and things that helped you along the way to get
01:09:54 --> 01:09:57 through this, get past it, overcome it, heal,
01:09:57 --> 01:10:00 move forward, that kind of thing? Yeah, probably
01:10:00 --> 01:10:03 more like the second half. The first half is
01:10:03 --> 01:10:07 just the 10 years of like five kids. It's kind
01:10:07 --> 01:10:12 of a blur. And then after that, how I managed
01:10:12 --> 01:10:16 to leave an extremely unhealthy relationship
01:10:16 --> 01:10:20 and to build a better life for my children. You
01:10:20 --> 01:10:22 know to go to school and to because I mean I
01:10:22 --> 01:10:24 would have been homeless and on welfare was what
01:10:24 --> 01:10:27 I was facing at the time and that wasn't gonna
01:10:27 --> 01:10:32 happen and Yeah, just how I managed to get from
01:10:32 --> 01:10:37 that to Working as a nurse I guess you know and
01:10:37 --> 01:10:41 not let anything hold me back Yeah, where there's
01:10:41 --> 01:10:43 a will there's a way is something I've always
01:10:43 --> 01:10:46 thought True indeed and and sometimes when you're
01:10:46 --> 01:10:48 put in these kind of positions like when you
01:10:48 --> 01:10:51 go through certain things in life It's almost
01:10:51 --> 01:10:58 like that's a way for life in the world to Help
01:10:58 --> 01:11:03 you rise to the occasion and find pieces of yourself
01:11:03 --> 01:11:06 that you didn't know existed strengths that you
01:11:06 --> 01:11:10 never knew you had abilities that you never knew
01:11:10 --> 01:11:13 were possible of attaining and it was all because
01:11:13 --> 01:11:17 you were put in the position to where this from
01:11:17 --> 01:11:20 inside of you was like it was a catalyst for
01:11:20 --> 01:11:23 that to come out and for you to express it some
01:11:23 --> 01:11:27 people they They allow that to happen. They dig
01:11:27 --> 01:11:30 within and they find that and they open up to
01:11:30 --> 01:11:34 it and others, they allow themselves to be swallowed
01:11:34 --> 01:11:36 whole by the situation. And it seems like you
01:11:36 --> 01:11:40 were the ladder where that was your ability to
01:11:40 --> 01:11:43 where the creativity, all the sparks of the ways
01:11:43 --> 01:11:46 that you were able to express yourself, the overcoming,
01:11:46 --> 01:11:49 the strength, the triumph, all that came from.
01:11:50 --> 01:11:54 unfortunately being raised in a condition that
01:11:54 --> 01:11:56 isn't ideal, but with that, you were able to
01:11:56 --> 01:11:59 find, in that darkness, you were able to find
01:11:59 --> 01:12:02 that light and that torch to bring out and to
01:12:02 --> 01:12:04 share with other people and those around you
01:12:04 --> 01:12:07 and strangers you never met, but just on account
01:12:07 --> 01:12:10 of you sharing your story also. Honestly, I think
01:12:10 --> 01:12:13 it's, I'm so fortunate for the genetics that
01:12:13 --> 01:12:16 I have. My mom and dad, they weren't born and
01:12:16 --> 01:12:19 raised in a commune like that. I like to think
01:12:19 --> 01:12:22 that maybe my dad would have left and I have
01:12:22 --> 01:12:26 definitely some of their personality, their positivity,
01:12:27 --> 01:12:29 that not give up, that keep going, you know,
01:12:30 --> 01:12:34 feel the fear and do it anyways, that quest for
01:12:34 --> 01:12:37 continual, you know, growth, emotional growth
01:12:37 --> 01:12:39 and knowledge and I mean honestly one of my biggest
01:12:39 --> 01:12:42 fears would be just to stop and settle in place
01:12:42 --> 01:12:45 in life and not continue to try to become a better
01:12:45 --> 01:12:48 person. as many hiccups as my mom had as a parent
01:12:48 --> 01:12:51 to me. She was a pretty amazing woman, and I
01:12:51 --> 01:12:56 definitely attribute the woman I am to the parents
01:12:56 --> 01:12:59 that I had and what they created in me. That's
01:12:59 --> 01:13:03 a beautiful thing. And you lost them both at
01:13:03 --> 01:13:07 a very early age. Oh, yeah. You said your mother
01:13:07 --> 01:13:11 passed when you were 22, 23? Yeah, 23. She died
01:13:11 --> 01:13:15 10 years after my dad died, yeah. Wow. I know
01:13:15 --> 01:13:18 it's been years and years have passed, but is
01:13:18 --> 01:13:22 there anybody in that commune that you still
01:13:22 --> 01:13:26 haven't some kind of connection with or you still
01:13:26 --> 01:13:29 keep in touch with or there's? Not in the commune,
01:13:29 --> 01:13:34 but those of us that have have walked away and,
01:13:34 --> 01:13:38 you know, found life after happy. Yeah, life
01:13:38 --> 01:13:43 after life in the world. Yeah. And honestly,
01:13:44 --> 01:13:47 facebook i really appreciate facebook just for
01:13:47 --> 01:13:49 bringing together these people because we're
01:13:49 --> 01:13:54 all over the all over the globe and um you know
01:13:54 --> 01:13:56 we can touch in touch base or be supportive how
01:13:56 --> 01:13:59 are you doing or so i'm in contact with people
01:13:59 --> 01:14:03 like that but nobody's still at the commune and
01:14:03 --> 01:14:09 um and i don't actually physically name the names
01:14:09 --> 01:14:11 of the communes or what towns they're in because
01:14:12 --> 01:14:14 They've either evolved into something else or
01:14:14 --> 01:14:16 they're still going and some of those people
01:14:16 --> 01:14:19 are still living there and drinking that great
01:14:19 --> 01:14:23 drink and full on believing so I don't want to
01:14:23 --> 01:14:28 get sued. So all the names are changed except
01:14:28 --> 01:14:30 for the woman I dedicated it to because they'd
01:14:30 --> 01:14:33 have to come forward and be upset and say this
01:14:33 --> 01:14:36 is me. When you were involved in it, and like
01:14:36 --> 01:14:39 again, I said, this has been years have passed,
01:14:39 --> 01:14:41 but when you were involved in it, it was controlled.
01:14:41 --> 01:14:44 They were watching what you did, where you went,
01:14:45 --> 01:14:48 how you conducted yourself. Did they still, you
01:14:48 --> 01:14:51 know, you hear about some organizations or some
01:14:51 --> 01:14:55 codes like Scientology, or there's other ones
01:14:55 --> 01:14:57 that are slipping my mind right now. I'm sure
01:14:57 --> 01:14:59 there's a handful and some that aren't even as
01:14:59 --> 01:15:03 mainstream or known as these other ones, but
01:15:03 --> 01:15:06 where? years after somebody separates themselves,
01:15:06 --> 01:15:10 they're still being harassed. They're still being
01:15:10 --> 01:15:13 sought after. Did you deal with anything like
01:15:13 --> 01:15:18 that for some time? I did in the beginning, but
01:15:18 --> 01:15:21 I was quite young. They were able to bully me
01:15:21 --> 01:15:24 a bit because I was a teenager. They weren't
01:15:24 --> 01:15:26 too happy when I went to court against that person.
01:15:27 --> 01:15:30 But I ended up, like, I knew the Bible like the
01:15:30 --> 01:15:33 back of my hand. And I could have an argument
01:15:33 --> 01:15:36 and throw back their stuff at them quite well.
01:15:36 --> 01:15:39 Was it the Christian Bible? Was it the Christian
01:15:39 --> 01:15:42 Bible? The Christian Bible. OK. And then Alan
01:15:42 --> 01:15:46 G. White. They really, really followed Alan G.
01:15:46 --> 01:15:49 White. Oh, I'm not familiar with him. Alan G.
01:15:49 --> 01:15:52 White. Yeah, you're not missing anything. She
01:15:52 --> 01:15:58 told me. Whoever owns that foundation is incredibly
01:15:58 --> 01:16:01 wealthy because her writings are well sought
01:16:01 --> 01:16:04 after. She was considered a prophetess. So a
01:16:04 --> 01:16:06 little backstory on Ellen DeWight. When she was
01:16:06 --> 01:16:09 young she was bullied and a girl threw a rock
01:16:09 --> 01:16:11 and hit her in the face and she was in a coma.
01:16:11 --> 01:16:15 And I want to say this is in the 1800s. And so
01:16:15 --> 01:16:18 when she came out of the coma she was never quite
01:16:18 --> 01:16:21 the same and she... I don't know if you're familiar,
01:16:22 --> 01:16:23 there's those family Bibles that are quite large
01:16:23 --> 01:16:25 and they go on a coffee table. They're very heavy.
01:16:26 --> 01:16:28 She would go into a trance and she would hold
01:16:28 --> 01:16:30 this Bible out in one arm and have been in a
01:16:30 --> 01:16:33 trance for like an hour. And then she would come
01:16:33 --> 01:16:35 to and would write it down and it was the Word
01:16:35 --> 01:16:38 of God. And now there's all these books with
01:16:38 --> 01:16:42 the Word of God coming through her. And this
01:16:42 --> 01:16:46 is where the diet, the clothes, what age women
01:16:46 --> 01:16:49 should be or men should be when they marry, the
01:16:49 --> 01:16:53 segregation. everything came through. And so
01:16:53 --> 01:16:57 that's what our leaders really aspired to and
01:16:57 --> 01:17:00 followed. So not only the Bible, but her visions
01:17:00 --> 01:17:03 from God that interpreted for us. Okay, yeah,
01:17:03 --> 01:17:08 I was not familiar of Alan G. White, so that's
01:17:08 --> 01:17:11 you learn something new every day. But well,
01:17:11 --> 01:17:13 okay, so they didn't, you said just in the beginning
01:17:13 --> 01:17:16 when you were young, but after that, they just
01:17:16 --> 01:17:20 let you be. Yeah, they... They asked if they
01:17:20 --> 01:17:22 could take my name off the church records and
01:17:22 --> 01:17:25 whatever. And I was like, there floats your boat.
01:17:26 --> 01:17:31 Yeah. That makes you happy. Right. So they also
01:17:31 --> 01:17:35 keep the church records, too. I've heard Mormons
01:17:35 --> 01:17:37 or Jehovah's Witness talk about the same thing
01:17:37 --> 01:17:40 that they had to write some type of letter of
01:17:40 --> 01:17:45 separation. And I was like, wow, they expect
01:17:45 --> 01:17:50 you to write something so they can now No longer
01:17:50 --> 01:17:52 consider you a part of that the organization.
01:17:52 --> 01:17:55 That's that's pretty intense That's like that.
01:17:55 --> 01:17:58 But yeah, they they yeah, they have the records
01:17:58 --> 01:18:00 of baptisms and they just want to wipe you off
01:18:00 --> 01:18:02 that you're no longer Wipe your name from the
01:18:02 --> 01:18:06 book. I was like If you wanted to make this phone
01:18:06 --> 01:18:07 call to ask that question if that's what you
01:18:07 --> 01:18:10 needed to do today by all means you go ahead
01:18:17 --> 01:18:20 They never harassed me really, and they certainly
01:18:20 --> 01:18:22 weren't helpful when I was raising my siblings.
01:18:23 --> 01:18:25 Other than not being happy that I took them,
01:18:25 --> 01:18:28 they definitely weren't there to help. Thank
01:18:28 --> 01:18:31 goodness for you taking guardianship over them.
01:18:31 --> 01:18:34 But like you said also, they're the ones that
01:18:34 --> 01:18:38 saved you and helped you. It was a mutual thing
01:18:38 --> 01:18:40 where you both helped each other. We're really
01:18:40 --> 01:18:44 close, the three of us. I'm so fortunate that
01:18:44 --> 01:18:49 I have them. Sarah, this has really, really been
01:18:49 --> 01:18:53 interesting and inspiring. And I'm not just saying
01:18:53 --> 01:18:56 that, but it's just great to hear everything
01:18:56 --> 01:18:59 that you went through, everything that you encountered,
01:18:59 --> 01:19:03 the close calls, the fear and leaving at such
01:19:03 --> 01:19:06 a young age, but you still came out beaming with
01:19:06 --> 01:19:09 light. I'm sure you're a joy to everybody that
01:19:09 --> 01:19:12 is in, that you have around your life and you're
01:19:12 --> 01:19:15 that beacon of light. that the world needs. So
01:19:15 --> 01:19:17 even in your corner, wherever, wherever you're
01:19:17 --> 01:19:19 at and how you're going about your day to day
01:19:19 --> 01:19:22 business, I mean, it's a blessing. I'm sure that
01:19:22 --> 01:19:25 people have you have you around and that's great
01:19:25 --> 01:19:28 to hear. You know, I'm really thankful that you
01:19:28 --> 01:19:31 were you were open to do this and to share and
01:19:31 --> 01:19:33 open up your book, share some of your story.
01:19:33 --> 01:19:36 I know you have another one on the way and I'm
01:19:36 --> 01:19:40 going to leave the links for. all of your contacts
01:19:40 --> 01:19:43 and information so people can reach out to you.
01:19:43 --> 01:19:45 They can get their hands in the book if that's
01:19:45 --> 01:19:48 something they wanna look into, read, and just
01:19:48 --> 01:19:51 see what else you have going on, all the good
01:19:51 --> 01:19:55 lines, the good words, and the good tools that
01:19:55 --> 01:19:57 you're also gonna be providing for people. Yeah,
01:19:57 --> 01:20:00 it's a beautiful thing and a great work. And
01:20:00 --> 01:20:03 I'd like to give you opportunity also if you
01:20:03 --> 01:20:06 were kind enough to share a lot of your time,
01:20:06 --> 01:20:08 your morning with us. Appreciate that again,
01:20:09 --> 01:20:11 but if you have any any final words or anything
01:20:11 --> 01:20:14 you'd like to leave off with feel free Just you
01:20:14 --> 01:20:17 know, don't give up Reach out for a hug if a
01:20:17 --> 01:20:19 person needs it don't give up. That's that's
01:20:19 --> 01:20:23 most important, right? We're We're all really
01:20:23 --> 01:20:27 important and even if you feel alone You're not
01:20:27 --> 01:20:30 shoot me a message. I'll answer right every day
01:20:30 --> 01:20:34 is a new day for the wise man or the wise woman.
01:20:35 --> 01:20:37 So, I mean, as long as you still have breath
01:20:37 --> 01:20:40 in your lungs, there can be something done with
01:20:40 --> 01:20:43 that. Don't give up. There's this old song I
01:20:43 --> 01:20:45 used to like, I joke around and I always sing
01:20:45 --> 01:20:47 it sometimes when I feel like I'm in the dumps.
01:20:48 --> 01:20:53 I'm like, just give it one more day. And so,
01:20:53 --> 01:20:57 yeah, right on. No, thank you again, Sarah. Thank
01:20:57 --> 01:21:00 you so much. All the best to you and yours. Thank
01:21:00 --> 01:21:10 you. Same to you. Where do I belong? Maybe you've
01:21:10 --> 01:21:13 asked yourself that once or twice. I know I have
01:21:13 --> 01:21:17 on several occasions. If you're interested in
01:21:17 --> 01:21:20 getting a copy for yourself or even as a gift
01:21:20 --> 01:21:23 for someone you feel might appreciate the read,
01:21:23 --> 01:21:27 and I'm talking about where do I belong? the
01:21:27 --> 01:21:29 memoir that was written by Sarah our guest today
01:21:29 --> 01:21:33 you can get it in print or as an ebook and I've
01:21:33 --> 01:21:36 linked that in the show notes you'll also find
01:21:36 --> 01:21:39 all the other ways that you can reach out to
01:21:39 --> 01:21:42 you can connect you can contact Sarah if this
01:21:42 --> 01:21:46 is something you would like to do at 13 years
01:21:46 --> 01:21:50 old a little girl decided enough was enough and
01:21:50 --> 01:21:53 took her chances with the elements wandering
01:21:53 --> 01:21:59 off into a world she knew nothing about in northern
01:21:59 --> 01:22:05 BC cold in the dark alone you've got bears you've
01:22:05 --> 01:22:08 got two -legged Kai you've got four -legged Kai
01:22:08 --> 01:22:12 and through this in the midst of this pedaling
01:22:12 --> 01:22:16 on her bike for 10 kilometers on a long dirt
01:22:16 --> 01:22:20 road those are extreme conditions for anybody
01:22:20 --> 01:22:23 let alone a 13 year old girl and not to make
01:22:23 --> 01:22:25 it a laughing matter but it kind of reminded
01:22:25 --> 01:22:29 me of Dorothy with the lions and tigers and bears
01:22:29 --> 01:22:32 oh my on the yellow brick road off to see the
01:22:32 --> 01:22:35 wizard Sarah was on her own yellow brick road
01:22:35 --> 01:22:39 to a place that was unfamiliar that was scary
01:22:39 --> 01:22:43 that was foreign but also a place that she had
01:22:43 --> 01:22:47 the potential to experience new possibilities
01:22:47 --> 01:22:52 and new freedoms reminding us that rewards do
01:22:52 --> 01:22:56 in fact come with risks sometimes through Sarah's
01:22:56 --> 01:23:00 trauma the tragic death of her father losing
01:23:00 --> 01:23:04 her mother at 23 and all the other ways life
01:23:04 --> 01:23:08 can shake one's world upside down Sarah she's
01:23:08 --> 01:23:11 turned a new leaf found a new song to fill her
01:23:11 --> 01:23:14 heart with and is enjoying a new chapter in her
01:23:14 --> 01:23:17 life and even helping others see the value in
01:23:17 --> 01:23:21 themselves and in reminding them that If she
01:23:21 --> 01:23:24 did it, there's no reason you can't do it as
01:23:24 --> 01:23:28 well. I pulled this quote from Sarah's website
01:23:28 --> 01:23:33 and it reads, mountains were made to climb, weakness
01:23:33 --> 01:23:37 allowed to be strengthened, obstacles were designed
01:23:37 --> 01:23:40 to be overcome. And what you shared with us today,
01:23:40 --> 01:23:44 I know it was only a brief peek into your life.
01:23:44 --> 01:23:48 But nonetheless that brief peek into your life
01:23:48 --> 01:23:50 showed every bit of what that quote encompasses
01:23:50 --> 01:23:59 Sarah you are a giant amongst us I hope you enjoyed
01:23:59 --> 01:24:02 the conversation Let me know how you feel. There's
01:24:02 --> 01:24:05 a couple of ways you can get in contact with
01:24:05 --> 01:24:08 us a couple of different mediums that you'll
01:24:08 --> 01:24:11 be able to find us. We're on the YouTubes, we're
01:24:11 --> 01:24:14 on Reddit, we're on Twitter. And of course, the
01:24:14 --> 01:24:19 home base hometown is where it's at giantsamongstus
01:24:19 --> 01:24:25 .org. Again, that's giantsamongstus .org. And
01:24:25 --> 01:24:27 those are the places where you can reach out
01:24:27 --> 01:24:30 to us. You can let us know where you're listening
01:24:30 --> 01:24:33 from, how you're listening to the show and anything
01:24:33 --> 01:24:35 else you want to break bread and talk about.
01:24:35 --> 01:24:38 It's always good to hear back from you. And this
01:24:38 --> 01:24:41 is something that I truly enjoy doing. This is
01:24:41 --> 01:24:44 one of the joys in my life is to connect with
01:24:44 --> 01:24:47 people and to hear not just their struggles and
01:24:47 --> 01:24:50 their failures and their hiccups, but how they
01:24:50 --> 01:24:54 were able to get past that, to transcend it,
01:24:54 --> 01:24:57 to rise above it, and to start creating something
01:24:57 --> 01:25:00 more meaningful and valuable for themselves that
01:25:00 --> 01:25:04 have just helped them overall as a human being.
01:25:04 --> 01:25:07 we're embracing what it is to be human the raw
01:25:07 --> 01:25:11 emotions the inner constellations that make us
01:25:11 --> 01:25:14 unique and we're going to continue to grow to
01:25:14 --> 01:25:18 evolve and to work towards becoming what we were
01:25:18 --> 01:25:22 meant to be as cliche as it sounds and like i
01:25:22 --> 01:25:25 opened it up in the very beginning self -discovery
01:25:25 --> 01:25:30 isn't a destination but a lifelong journey who's
01:25:30 --> 01:25:33 up for the ride so we're gonna pick it back up
01:25:33 --> 01:25:36 and do this again real soon if you want to reach
01:25:36 --> 01:25:40 out to us if you want to contact us for any and
01:25:40 --> 01:25:42 everything well just about any and everything
01:25:42 --> 01:25:45 the links will be in the show notes you guys
01:25:45 --> 01:25:50 be safe out there you be sane and be the change
01:25:50 --> 01:25:53 you'd like to see of course before I wrap this
01:25:53 --> 01:25:58 up I want to remind you that if you would like
01:25:58 --> 01:26:01 to be a part of the show and share your story
01:26:01 --> 01:26:04 or even a story of someone in your life that
01:26:04 --> 01:26:07 has impacted you in a positive way, you could
01:26:07 --> 01:26:11 always reach out to us via email. We'd be happy
01:26:11 --> 01:26:19 to connect until next time and very soon. Peace.
01:26:30 --> 01:26:38 Looking for a sign to know I'm on the right road
01:26:38 --> 01:26:43 Ain't seen no sign since Jericho